Category Archives: News

Newly-married husband divorces wife after discovering she makes piss-poor coffee

A newly-married husband is divorcing his wife after discovering that his wife makes piss-poor cups of coffee. Haydn Fatarse married his wife Glenys just two months ago. But after she handed him a mug of what he described as ‘elephant spunk’, Haydn called his solicitor and requested a divorce. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “It had […]

Police given new powers to taser people who whistle no tune in particular


Police have been given new powers to taser people who whistle no tune in particular. People who whistle nothing in particular have become one of the world’s most annoying fuckers. A spokesman for the police force told Grumpy Fuckers: “These people are the scum of the earth. They go about their day, whistling any old […]

Fire crews free woman trapped in own home by 150,000 cushions

A woman who couldn’t stop buying cushions has been freed from her home by the Fire Service. Gaynor BonkEye has been buying cushions every day for nearly twenty years. Things came to a head over the weekend when she realised she couldn’t reach her front door. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was a twenty-a-day girl. […]

Coffee scientifically proven to ease the pain of being awake

Scientists have conclusively proved that coffee eases the pain of being awake. The study included plying coffee to over 1,000 grumpy fuckers over a three day period. Professor Frankie Cleverclogs told Grumpy Fuckers: “We studied this subject over many years and our results are particularly striking. We found over 1,000 grumpy fuckers on public transport […]

Psychic Festival cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances


Cardiff’s first Psychic Festival has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances. The festival was due to be held at Cardiff Bay in May but organisers are now considering postponing it until next year. Mystic Maggie, the festival’s director told Grumpy Fuckers: “We was hoping to have lots of mystic people here but sadly, that’s not […]

Lazy fucker forced to tilt tube of Pringles because his hands are too fat to reach inside


A lazy fucker has been forced to tilt his tube of Pringles after finding that his hands were too fat to fit into the container. Jamie ‘Wibbly Wobbly’ Webly, 32, was eating his Pringles while watching a replay of the A-Team on telly. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve been eating Pringles for many years now […]

Get ready for International Grumpy Fuckers Day 2019 – Monday 28th January

Grumpy Fucker

Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Monday 28th January. The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day. One grumpy fucker said: “Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day […]

Woman accidentally leans on phone, inputs 16 digit card number and buys new shoes

A woman has accidentally bought herself a new pair of shoes after leaning on her phone. Thelma BendyLegs sat on her phone while watching Friends on telly – and happened to accidentally input all of her 16 credit card numbers, her expiry date and her security number – all in the correct order. She told […]

PROVEN: Coffee makes you do stupid things faster and with more energy

Scientists in the UK have proven that coffee makes people do stupid things faster and more energy. Prof. Gordon Bumlick made the announcement at a hastily-arranged press conference in a hotel car park. He told the waiting audience: “We’ve done this quick kind of experiment and we’ve proven something that we think we all know. […]

Police given new powers to shoot next person to ask ‘All ready for Christmas?’

Police have been given emergency new powers to shoot anyone who asks ‘All ready for Christmas?’ Thousands of people are expected to fall foul of the new law, which takes place with immediate effect. PC Plod of the Police Force Federation told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve been overwhelmed by the amount of people asking this question […]

17 year old girl vanishes after using moisturiser that makes you look 20 years younger

A 17 year old girl has vanished after using moisturiser that makes its users look 20 years younger. Betty Bumflaps applied the moisturiser on Saturday and hasn’t been seen since. A spokesman for the local police said: “We’ve looked high and low for Betty but she seems to have disappeared off the face of the […]

Queues at shopping malls as dickheads return the shit they bought on Black Friday

Queues have been forming all over the country as dickheads return the shit they bought on Black Friday. Shops had been selling shit that they hadn’t been able to move all year on Black Friday. One shop manager told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve had these shitty Chinese TVs out the back and I haven’t been able […]

The average dog spends 25 minutes looking for the perfect place to shit

Scientists have shown that dogs take at least 25 minutes to find the perfect place to shit. Unlike humans, who just drop their guts at the nearest WC, dogs need a particular place to lay a cable. Brian CleverClogs who headed up the investigation told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve been studying these dogs over a period […]