A married couple who have been quarantined for the last 14 days have filed for divorce.
Henry and Daisy Dipshit have said that they never want to see each other again after their enforced quarantine.
Henry told Grumpy Fuckers:
“That was the hardest two weeks of my life. I never want to do that again. I’ve had some shit thrown at me in my life but Jesus, that virus has got a lot to answer for. It started off pretty well. I was quite surprised to find that she’d lost her job making Polaroid cameras. For the first few days, we got on ok. But then things got tricky. By the end of the 14 days, I was wishing that the virus would just take me.”
Wife Daisy was also less than flattering about her husband.
“The man’s an arsehole. I can’t believe I married the shit. The less I see of him, the better. I want to find myself a real man.”
A man has been imprisoned for 3 months for playing Christmas music in his car.
Police said that Graham Smoothballs was ‘playing a ridiculous Christmas CD in his car when it’s only November’.
PC Billy Twoporches told Grumpy Fuckers:
“Our boys were out on patrol when this dickhead drove past with his windows down, playing this awful Christmas shit on his CD player. We believe it was Johnny Mathis. Our brave boys leapt into action at once, pulling the offender over and dragging him out of his car by the testicles. After throwing him over the front of his car, our officers then tasered him for a laugh before taking him down the station to be beaten about the heat with a rubber hose. We took him to court where the judge didn’t even bother hearing from the defence and handed down a 3 month sentence to start immediately. Hopefully, by the time this son-of-a-bitch comes out of prison, Christmas will be well and truly over. We had also confiscated his CD. Oh. And his car.”
Graham’s wife Theresa said:
“I warned him and warned him about playing that Christmas shit so early. He’s brought it all upon himself and has no one to blame but himself.”
A 50-year-old man has avoided having emotional breakdowns throughout his life by not having any emotions.
Tony Bigballs said that having no emotions made life a lot easier for him.
“I see friends and they’re running around like lunatics all day. They’re tired, they’re stressy and worst of all, they’re emotional. They go through highs and lows and live every emotion deeply. But they get tired. They’re having breakdowns all over the place. Me? I’m as fresh as a daisy. How come? For starters, I don’t go doing emotions. They sap you of energy. They raise you up to knock you down. By steering clear of having any emotions, I’ve found that I can avoid having any emotional breakdowns like my loser friends do.”
Bigballs said he was ‘thrilled’ not to have experienced any emotional breakdowns over the last 50 years.
“By ‘thrilled’, I mean that I’m sort of ok with it all.”
Local police have been given emergency new powers to taser anyone who asks ‘All ready for Christmas?’
Thousands of people are expected to fall foul of the new law, which takes place with immediate effect.
PC Plod of the Police Force Federation told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We’ve been overwhelmed by the amount of people asking this question so we referred the matter to the Government. They boys and girls down there were pretty good at passing this act, which means that we can taser people on the spot should we hear them asking this bloody question. We had a woman last night who came into the station to report a break-in and while she was waiting to see someone, she asked one of our officers whether they were ready for Christmas. She was tasered, beaten about the head with a bottle of Fanta and placed in handcuffs. We have also sent out special undercover officers to infiltrate places of work.”
The new law also applies to people asking ‘What are you doing for Christmas?’
The emotion of happiness has been officially classified as ‘over-rated’.
Over 3,000 Grumpy Fuckers were questioned about happiness, and nearly 97% said it was over-rated.
One Grumpy Fucker said:
“I spent my whole life chasing happiness and it was only just as I’m nearing the end of my life that I’ve realised that I was never going to get it. I worked my arse off, day in, day out, to make other people happy, thinking that it would make me happy. It’s only now that I realise that happiness is so over-rated. I suggest that people spend the best part of their lives chasing other things instead – like getting laid.”
Happiness featured way down on the list of things that Grumpy Fuckers valued. Other emotions that were also over-rated included empathy, a sense of achievement and kindness.
Inspirational memes posted by social media users cure up to 97% of cases of depression.
Social media users who post inspirational memes are often viewed as experts in curing mental health disorders.
One social media user told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I was down on my luck. I was really having a hard time of things and I couldn’t see a way out. Then I logged onto my social media account and saw something that one of my expert friends had posted. It was a picture of a sunset, saying that ‘I was enough’. I wasn’t exactly sure what or what I was enough for but thanks to my friend, I’m now completely cured of my depression. My life has completely turned around thanks to their inspirational quote. I feel like a new person. I now laugh in the face of depression and I skip to work every morning like a child. It’s been an amazing journey.”
The user who posted the inspiration quote said:
“I knew I could help.”
A recent study has shown that nearly all cases of depression can be totally cured by reading an inspirational meme.
World Peace Day has officially been ruined by an asshole with a lawnmower.
Local residents were woken at 7.30 this morning by Jimmy Dickface, who was mowing his lawn.
One resident told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I was resting in bed because I’d been up late last night sitting on my husband’s face. I thought I’d be able to get some sleep in the morning because it’s the weekend. But just after 7.30 this morning, Jimmy Dickface gets his lawnmower out and starts trimming his lawn. He’s had all fucking week to do it but he decides to do it when we’re all trying to get some sleep. He spent just 20 minutes mowing his lawn and then fucked off into town while the rest of us couldn’t get back to sleep. If I see Jimmy Dickface around, I’m going to punch him straight in the face. People like him should not be allowed to own a lawnmower and should be punched in the face instead.”
Jimmy’s wife explained his early morning antics:
“Jimmy shat the bed last night so rather than change the sheets, he fucked off and did the lawn instead as it was easier. He’s such a dickface.”
Children have been voted the #1 reason why people drink themselves into oblivion.
98% of piss-heads included in a recent survey, said that their kids were the main reason they drank themselves silly.
One participant said:
“I get up at 6.30am every day to get stuff ready for the little fuckers. I have to drag them out of bed because they don’t respond to me shouting up the stairs, I have to dress them, feed them and even tell them to take a shit because if I don’t, they won’t do it. After I get home from the school run, I sit down and have a bottle of brandy all to myself. Then I spend the day picking up all their shit in the house, ready for when they come back home from school, when they get it all back out again. I finally get them to bed about 10pm, after which, I open a bottle of vodka and drink that shit until I pass out. Then I’m up again at 6.30 the next day.”
Professor Ian Limpwrist, who conducted the survey said:
“It’s clear that children are the main reason why adults drink themselves into oblivion. If children were more grown-up, things would be a lot different around the world. As it is, they continue in their childish ways and we all have to put up with it.”
A university in London is now offering people to be a fully qualified Grumpy Fucker.
The University of Farkin Larden will be offering the 3-year course from 2020.
Professor Henry Scrote told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We’ve often seen amateur Grumpy Fuckers around the world but we are now offering the chance to actually obtain some accreditation for it. So many people are so good at it and we just want to embrace that potential and turn it into something more tangible. Our course will offer students to study the psychology of being a Grumpy Fucker, and learn how to use it in day-to-day scenarios. We’re going to charge shitloads of money for it because we know that they course will be a sell-out and if possible, I’d like to sleep with all the good-looking birds who come on the course. Just don’t tell my wife that. Or print what I just said obvs.”
The course will only have room for 300 students, or 270 if some of them are fat fuckers.
An arsehole has spent an entire movie pointing out the differences between the movie and the book.
Glen Shitface sat through the 2010 version of Alice in Wonderland and pointed out every single difference between that and Lewis Carroll’s book.
His wife Glenda said:
“I’m never going to watch a film with him again. The man is a dickhead. All I wanted to do was sit down and watch just one film of my choosing. And then my arsehole husband decides that he’s the literary master by pointing out all the differences. I really couldn’t give a shit. I just wanted to watch it and escape my shitty marriage for a few hours. I want a divorce. In fact, I’m going to sell him. Do you want to buy him? Name your price. He’s yours. Yes. You can have him for free. Just take him away. Please.”
Glen plans to spend the next week with his new girlfriend.
“I think I might take her to the cinema,” he said. “I hear that The Cat in the Hat is on and I’d like to see how it differs to the book.”
The government is to set up a National Cockwomble register to allow authorities to keep track of their activities.
Registered cockwombles will be subject to a range of restrictions, including being allowed out in the daytime and night time.
A spokesman for the government told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We’ve been calling for this register for many years now. The number of cockwombles in this country has increased by nearly 1,000% and we are facing an epidemic. Anyone who is deemed to be cockwomble will be forced to sign onto the register, both to warn members of the public, and so that we can keep track of them on a daily basis. Should anyone contravene any of the restrictions placed upon them, and we’ll come down on them like a sack of shit. And heavy shit at that. Members of the public can report people being cockwombles via a new cockwomble hotline that we’re setting up.”
One woman, who has a cockwomble partner said:
“As soon as this becomes law, I’ll be phoning the hotline and getting my partner on that list. He is a complete and utter cockwomble and should be sent to live on Mars.”
Authorities are expecting a large number of cockwombles to be registered within the first few days.
An email sent from a woman in Australia has found a woman well in the US.
Sheila Bilgepump sent an email to Cindy Leathercroth earlier this month. The email found Cindy well.
Sheila told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I always want my emails to find my customers well. For this very reason, I start my emails by writing the words ‘I hope this email finds you well’. In most cases, I’m never sure if my emails find anyone well because nobody likes me and don’t respond to me. However, I was delighted to hear back from Cindy, who told me that indeed, my email found her well. I’ve never been so happy in all my life. Cindy wrote back to me to tell me to stop spamming her but even so, it’s still nice to know that my email found her well in the first place.”
Cindy said she didn’t want to comment on the story to Grumpy Fuckers:
“I don’t want to comment on this story,” she commented.
Scientists at a lab in Switzerland have concluded that drinking too much coffee can make you smell colours.
Professor Hanz Cleverclogs announced his findings in a coffee shop this morning.
He told awaiting members of the public.
“We first started testing this theory on monkeys but they drank all the coffee and were then unable to tell us if they could smell colours because they don’t speak English. So we had to hire some humans and made them drink shitloads of coffee. Nearly all of our subjects drank 3 litres of coffee before 8m and by 9am, they were all crawling the walls and speaking a different language. 98% of our subjects also reported smelling colours which is the information we were after. I made some notes in my notebook and here I am today, telling you all about it. That’s how this thing works folks.”
Cleverclogs also pointed out that most of his experiment subjects had a shit after their 3rd cup of coffee.
“I’m not sure what that means exactly. Read into that what you will.”
Motorists across the world are preparing to drive like arseholes ahead of International Drive Like a Dickhead Day this Monday.
The day allows drivers to drive like complete arseholes, angering other normal motorists.
Darren Dickface of the Arsehole Drivers Association told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I can’t wait! I’ve been practising my driving all week in anticipation of the day. I’ve been driving up people’s arseholes, cutting people up and running them off the road. I think I’m really good at it now and I can’t wait to show off my skills. I’ve got a few friends who are also looking to drive like total arseholes. It’s going to be great.”
International Drive Like A Dickhead Day is celebrating its 70th anniversary this year and is celebrated most days in most countries.
The 2019 Grumpy Fuckers Awareness week has been launched at a shitty coffee shop in Wales.
This year’s Grumpy Fuckers Awareness Week takes place from 5th-11th August, and will include several days of fuckers of moping around with a face like a slapped arse.
Organiser Clive Grimgrits, who also manages Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop in Cardiff, said:
“This affliction can happen to anyone, especially in this day and age. I went to a supermarket last night to pick up some coffee for the shop and on the way out, this old fucker just stopped walking and stood there in the doorway to check her receipt. She was blocking everyone who wanted to come in and out. I wasn’t in a particularly good mood anyway but this instantly turned me into a Grumpy Fucker. Of course, lots of other people are grumpy because they have to work with arseholes and dickheads. It’s those people we should feel sorry for and that’s what this week is all about.
“Awareness is important! Let’s get the message out there that it’s ok to be a Grumpy Fucker. You’ve got this! You are enough and other overused and dismissive clichés,” he added.
Grumpy Fucker Awareness Week will kick off with a shitty coffee morning at Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop. No other events have been planned as yet because organisers can’t be arsed.
Are you a Grumpy Fucker? Has life turned you from a bouncy, young, happy-go-lucky spring chicken to an old miserable fucking fucker? Ah well. Tough shit. That’s life for you.
Police are to be given new powers to taser people who use apostrophes incorrectly.
The Government says that it’s had enough of that shit and wants to clamp down immediately.
A spokesman for the Government said:
“We’ve had enough of this shit. Everywhere we go, we see apostrophes being used in the wrong context. It takes just a few minutes to learn the rules but people can’t be arsed. It’s a national disgrace. We have therefore passed new laws to allow our police services to taser the fuck out of anyone who uses an apostrophe incorrectly. If they still refuse to use them correctly, then we have instructed our policemen and women to beat them with a large stick. We’d like to think that this will send a very clear message to the cockwombles who still use their apostrophes incorrectly.”
One nervous shopkeeper said:
“I never know what to write on the blackboard in my greengrocers. Do I write carrots, carrot’s or carrots’? I’m so confused.”
Comedians all over the world are ready to crack their annual May the Fourth jokes.
The japesters are itching to point out that May 4th sounds like something that would have been said in a Star Wars film.
One comedian told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I do it every year. I am soooooo funny. I get so excited on May 3rd because I know that the next day, I’m able to catch all my friends out by saying May the Fourth Be With You. I’m hilaaaaaaaaaaaaarious! All my friends love me and they always like my posts when I mention it on social media. It’s like they forget that May 4th sounds like May The Force and I get them every time. My mum says that I should go on telly – I am THAT funny. I made someone laugh earlier when I asked someone what ET was short for. I told them that he’s an alien and that they don’t grow more than 3ft tall. Honestly, I’m mad I am. Really mad.”
Another comedian said that he was going to go into work and tell everyone that it is Star Wars Day and when they ask him why it’s Star Wars Day, he’ll say that it’s May 4th.
May 4th is often known as Star Wars Day because that’s the day that Star Wars was made.
A man has filed for divorce after she hung a Live Laugh Love sign at their home.
Charlie Bigbollocks said that it was the last straw after she’d also put up another sign that read ‘You’ve Got This’.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I’ve never heard such a load of shit in my life. I can’t live my life with these shitty stock phrases around my house and the fact that she expects me to laugh and love with it makes it all a joke. Only last week she put up a sign saying ‘You Are Enough’ but I’m nowhere near enough, despite what the sign says. Then we had the ‘You’ve Got This’ sign stuck on the wall, when I clearly don’t have this. And then to top it all off, we’ve got the old chestnut – Live Laugh Love sign going up. It really was the last straw for me. I went straight to my lawyer and demanded a divorce. And once we are divorced, I’m going to live in Peru on my own, where there hopefully no shitty signs around.”
Wife Wendy was left in tears:
“I like putting up these signs because it saves me posting the saying to Facebook every day. Please come back, Charlie!”
Charlie told local media that he wasn’t going back.
Image: DNI licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license.
A nightclub has banned comedy eyebrows after complaints by members of the public.
The Jurassic Park nightclub introduced the ban to stop some youngsters scaring the shit out of older guests.
Manager Mark Fatberg told Grumpy Fuckers:
“They are pretty scary to look at to be honest and they seem to have got worse over the last few years. We’ve had all sorts of eyebrows coming in here and causing trouble. Only last night, this girl turned up with her eyebrows and within minutes, she was fighting with the bouncers. It took 15 men to pin her down. She hadn’t even touched her cider. A lot of our older guests are complaining about their eyebrows and with that in mind, we decided to ban these comedy accessories. I’ve instructed my bouncers to send anyone with comedy eyebrows down to the pub down the road. We are not having it here.”
Drinker Kylie Thundergunt thought that the ban was unfair:
“I can’t do much about my figure but I can look after my eyebrows and if I can’t show them off down Jurassic, where can I show them off?”
Image: DNI licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license.
Gin coolers are to be installed in workplaces in an effort to make work more bearable.
A trial at an office in Cardiff saw productivity rise by 500%, with office workers laughing and singing their way through the day.
Office manager Mary Dangleberry told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We’re always looking at ways to make our workplaces a better place to be and the introduction of the gin cooler really worked a treat. By 10am, we were all laughing and singing and at lunchtime, we had karaoke on the desks. Admittedly, we were struggling to get to the end of the day by 5pm and and 6pm, we were dragging our sorry arses out the door. But all in all, it was well worth it. We noticed that we worked much harder, did things a lot quicker and there wasn’t too much in the way of vomit to clear up after.”
Office worker Theresa said:
“It was great. It really made all the lads in the office look half-fuckable, which was nice. I felt like a bag of shit the next day though.”