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87% population in a ‘serious’ relationship with coffee

coffee

A recent survey has shown that 87% of the world’s population is in a serious relationship with coffee.

Participants of the survey said that they’d rather have a serious relationship with coffee than a human being.

One coffee-lover told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I’ve found that I hate most people because they’re dickheads. I’d much rather have a relationship with a tall dark stranger that doesn’t answer back or let me down. I prefer to have a relationship with something that’s ready to give it to me first thing in the morning and at any point during the day – whenever I want it. I want something that smells good, tastes good and makes me feel alive – something that touches my very soul.”

Coffee was first invented by Keith Coffee in 1764, when he found some coffee beans lying on the floor in some jungle somewhere. He boiled some water in his kettle, put the beans in and invented the world’s first cup of coffee there and then. Since then, over 500 billion cups of coffee are sold every day.

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WHO recognises 4pm as the new official Wine O’Clock

The World Health Organisation has today announced that 4pm is the universal Wine O’Clock.

The organisation said that 4pm is now the most popular time to start getting shit-faced.

Lionel DeBlair, spokesman for the WHO, told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We’ve been collecting data from all over the world and after we’ve crunched all the figures, we’ve come to the conclusion that 4pm is the new Wine O’Clock. This marks a distinct shift from the usual 8pm, and reflects the nature of lockdown all over the world. I myself, usually start getting shit-faced just before 4pm. I have one cold beer, just to get me going, followed by two bottles of Gavi and if that still hasn’t done the job, I go to my emergency cupboard and open whatever’s there – that could include things like peach vodka or sherry from last Christmas. The WHO now recognises 4pm as the new Wine O’Clock and we will be confirming this in a letter to anyone who wants to read it. I’m off to get shit-faced now. Bye.”

World leaders will be forced to accept the new rulings, which comes as the world struggles with lockdowns in towns and cities across the world.

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Woman accidentally leans on phone, inputs 16 digit card number in the correct order and buys new shoes

A woman has accidentally bought herself a new pair of shoes after leaning on her phone.

Thelma BendyLegs sat on her phone while watching a wildlife show on telly – and happened to accidentally input all of her 16 credit card numbers, her expiry date and her security number – all in the correct order.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:

“It’s the third time this has happened to me in a week. I feel awfully embarrassed. All I did was sit down to watch two rhinos shagging and before I knew it, my fat arse had managed to unlock my phone, enter all my card details and order a pair of shoes I’ve been dying to have. They were very expensive and it means I won’t be able to feed the kids for a week but I’m going to look a stunner when I goes down the club tonight.”

Husband Ken said:

“This keeps happening to her all the time. Last month, she sat down to watch Friends, sat on her phone and bought a new Ford. She really needs to put some sort of lock on her phone or at least take it out of her back pocket when she sits down.”

Thelma added:

“That poor delivery man. He’s around her every day or so which is no bad thing as I like perving at his legs in his little Post Office shorts. Sigh.”

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Man sells homing pigeons for 47th time this year

A man has sold his homing pigeons for the 47th time this year after the birds repeatedly returned home.

Every time Darryl Twosheds drops his pigeons off to the buyer, he returns home to find them back home.

He told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I bought these homing pigeons because nobody likes me and I thought I’d made some animal friends. Back in the early days, it was wonderful releasing them and letting them find their way home again. But then they started making extortionate demands and they were getting on my tits. In the end, I decided to sell the fuckers.

“I popped them on eBay and managed to sell them all within the first hour. I drove them 30 miles to drop them off but when I got home, there they were. This has happened 47 times now and I’m not happy about it. In fact, I’m going to write a strongly-worded letter of complaint to the local newspaper about it all.”

Darryl’s wife Susan said:

“My husband’s a dickhead and always has been. I can’t stand the sight of him. Would you like to buy him from me?”

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Kanye West promises to stop singing if he becomes President

Superstar rapper Kanye West has promised to stop singing if he claims the White House this November.

It means that the singer has suddenly become a serious presidential candidate as a result of the pledge.

A spokeswoman for Mr West told Grumpy Fuckers:

“It’s true. I spoke to Mr West himself this morning as he flew in on his private yacht. We were looking for election-winning pledges when one of the girls serving coffee suggested that he stopped singing. We all looked at each other in amazement – it was so simple, yet so powerful. We put this to Mr West and he didn’t take it very well at first. We told him that he didn’t have to really stick to his pledge – it was just to get into the White House. So he agreed.

One music critic welcomed the move.

“Anything to shut him up is fine by me, even if it is for a few months”

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UN bans pineapple on pizza

pineapple-pizza

The United Nations has officially banned pineapple as a pizza topping.

The craze of putting pineapple on pizza was started by some asshole during the 1960s. The United Nations has said that the world can no longer go on with pineapple on top of a cheese and tomato base.

A spokeswoman for the United Nation told Grumpy Fuckers:

“It seems as if the world has been turned upside down these last few years and one of the main reasons for this is because people have continued to put pineapple on their pizzas. This horrendous procedure has been going on for far too long and we have now decided to act swiftly to deal with it. We are therefore announcing that from today, pineapple on pizza will be banned. Those attempting to put this exotic fruit on their pizza could face up to ten years in jail. We will not tolerate it any more.”

Pizza-lovers across the world have broadly welcome the move.

“I was happily married for 34 years until I discovered that my wife likes pineapple on her pizza,” said Mario Kart. “We were divorced the next day. I therefore welcome this new ban. I am now looking for a new wife. Hopefully one that has never put pineapple on her pizza.”

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Grumpy Fuckers demand permanent social distancing

social-distancing

Grumpy Fuckers across the world are demanding that social distancing rules should remain in place so that they don’t have to talk to anyone in the future.

Grumpy Fuckers have been quietly pleased with the social distancing rules as it has meant that they can keep the fuck away from other fuckers.

Gary TwoSheds, President of the Worldwide Grumpy Fuckers Association said:

“I’ve been more than happy with not having to speak to anyone. It’s saved me having to cross the road whenever I see anyone I know. The social distancing rules have been a blessing in disguise because it’s meant that I’ve been able to stay indoors and not go out and see anyone. I know that all the members of the association feel exactly the same so we are demanding that these measures are put in place permanently. Then we never have to speak to anyone ever. Perfect.”

Social distancing has been put in place in many parts of the world but the Worldwide Grumpy Fuckers Association said that they’d like to see the restrictions put in place globally.

“I’d like to go on holiday and not have to small talk with any fuckers while I’m there,” added Gary.

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2020 to be turned into a disaster movie

A studio in Hollywood has announced that it is to turn the year 2020 into a disaster movie.

The movie will come with the tagline ‘When you thought things couldn’t get any worse, it just did’.

Studio boss Danny SquareEyes told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I distinctly remember wishing my friends and family a happy 2020 on New Year’s Eve, and reminding myself that things couldn’t get any worse than they did in 2019. Boy was I wrong. This year has been an absolute shitshow and we’re not even halfway through yet. We’re going to sit tight and see how the next 7 months pan out and once it’s in the bag, we’ll get working on a script and get filming. We’ve not yet thought of who we’re going to cast, namely because we don’t know who’s still going to be with us by the end of the year. But we’ve already started some tentative storylines that we never thought we’d make because they seemed too over the top.”

The movie will be called 2020 – A Year of Shit, and studios are hoping to have it in cinemas across the world by the summer of 2021.

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Get ready for Grumpy Fuckers Day – Monday 25th May

Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Monday 25th May.

The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day.

One grumpy fucker said:

“Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day in my life. The first thing I do when I get up in the morning is moan to myself about how shit my life is. I then go downstairs and make myself a shit cup of coffee. I head off to work about 8am and then spend the day working with arseholes. After that, I come back home, make myself a shit dinner and go to bed. That’s it. That’s my life.”

Another fucker said:

“Meh. Just get out of my face, fucker.”

International Grumpy Fucker Day was first celebrated in 2007. It’s been celebrated every year since because that’s how often annual events are celebrated.

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Dickhead neighbour mows lawn at 7.30am on a Saturday

A dickhead neighbour has mown his lawn at 7.30am on a Saturday.

Residents hoping for a nice lie-in were woken by Alan Dupper and his Qualcast 125cc push petrol rotary lawnmower.

Alan told Grumpy Fuckers:

“My lawn needed doing so I got up early so that I could then spend the rest of the day relaxing. It’s quite a large lawn so it took me about half an hour. Some of my neighbours started hanging out of their bedroom windows and calling me all the names under the sun but I had that same sort of treatment a few weeks ago when I started drilling a wall down in my living room at 6am. They’re not very nice around here – I thought I had moved to a nice neighbourhood but they’re all pretty selfish.”

Neighbour Emma Dale said:

“I didn’t get in till 5.30am this morning because I stopped over at my mate’s house for a drunken shag. I was then woken by Mr Dickhead and now I can’t get back to sleep.”

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Woman spends three hours doing hair to buy bread

A woman has spent three hours doing her hair nice so that she can go and buy a loaf of bread.

Emily Triplebelly washed it, blow-dried it and styled it in order to go and buy herself a small bloomer.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I don’t get out much these days so it’s nice to make an effort. I got up early so that I had plenty of time. I didn’t want to rush anything in case the man down the shop noticed. Once I’d done my hair nice, I went to the shop and bought a loaf of bread. It was only a small loaf I wanted since I’m trying to cut down on my carbs these days. I’ve become the size of a small hippo since the lockdown. I came home and made a small sandwich with the bread I’d bought. Sadly, no one commented on my hair that I’d spent so long doing. Still, in my own mind, it looked nice and I was proud of myself for doing it.”

Emily plans on putting on her ballgown over the weekend to go and buy some eggs.

“I’ll have to get up very early for that,” she added.

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Vibrators ask for some time out

Vibrators across the world have been asking their owners for some time out.

The phallic funboys have been in constant demand since the lockdown started, but many are now experiencing burnout.

One dildo told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I’m used to working once, maybe twice a week. This week, I’ve put in 17 shifts, including 7 in just one day. My owner doesn’t know whether she’s coming or going, as it were. All I know is that I’m exhausted. I’ve had to change my battery three times this week and I’m just hoping that she’ll run out and won’t be able to go to the shops to get more. I wasn’t built for this kind of industrial abuse. I should have joined the union when I had the chance. I can’t get a word in edgeways and I wake up every morning with a horrible feeling of dread coming over me. I don’t think I can take any more.”

One user told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I’ve completed Netflix and YouTube and the only thing left for me to do now is frig myself to death. It’s not my fault. I blame the government.”

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Man has underpants surgically removed after wearing them for 13 years

A 54 year-old man has had his underpants surgically removed after he had worn them for 13 consecutive years.

Brian CrispyGrits underwent the procedure after his wife threatened to divorce him if he didn’t change them.

Brian told Grumpy Fuckers:

“They were my comfy ones so I liked to wear them every day. But then after the hot weather yesterday, my wife Sheila went apeshit on me, telling me to change them. It was only then that I realised that my kegs had become attached to my body. Sheila called an ambulance and a few hours later, they were finally off. It’s a shame really because I considered them my lucky ones.”

Wife Sheila was relieved that her husband was finally free of his underpants.

“I bought them for him back in 2002 and he’s worn them every day since. They had a massive hole in them and his bollocks were hanging out of them like a bag of giblets. I’d like to thank the staff at the hospital for all their help.”

Sheila is now planning a trip to the shops when they reopen to buy Brian a new pair of underpants.

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Self-isolating woman completes Netflix

netflix

A woman in self-isolation has successfully watched everything on Netflix.

Ethel LardArse says that she’s now moving on to YouTube, and hopes to complete that too by the end of the month.

She told Grumpy Fuckers.

“The big boss man told us that we’ve all got to stay indoors in case we get the virus. Luckily, I’d recently signed up to Netflix so the first thing I did was sit on my fat arse and flick it on. Within the first day, I’d completed seven box sets and just a few short hours ago, I finally managed to complete it all. I haven’t moved from my sofa once apart to get myself some ice cream from my freezer.

“My next challenge is to complete YouTube, which my friend reckons is doable by the end of the month. After that, fuck knows what I’m going to do with myself. I’ll probably have to frig myself to death.”

Ethel’s husband Stan said that he is proud of his wife’s achievements.

“We’re going through some tough times but she’s as tough as shit.”

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45% women secretly use their fella’s beard trimmers to mow their lady gardens

A staggering 45% of the female population secretly use their boyfriend or husband’s beard trimmers to trim their muffters.

Researchers found that a further 76% fail to wash the trimmer before returning back to the bathroom cupboard.

Brian Bellend who conducted the survey, told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We are both shocked and amused that women do this kind of thing without telling their other half. Of all the women we spoke to, only one had a trimmer of her own. The rest either let things grow wild or used their fella’s beard trimmers. We were taken aback by the secrecy of it all. We are not sure about how many men are having their beard trimmers used but the figures suggest that it is quite high.”

One woman who didn’t want to be named said:

“I take my hubby’s trimmer and do everything from arsehole to breakfast time. He never notices. At least I don’t think so.”

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New T-shirt campaign aims to tackle social distancing assholes

A new T-shirt campaign has been launched to alert social distancing assholes to back the fuck off.

The new T-shirts tell the assholes to back away, reminding them to keep 6 feet away from the wearer.

Gilly Underfumble, who created the T-shirts told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I’m sick of walking down the street and coming across assholes who won’t move out of my way. I’ve made these T-shirts so that I don’t have to go repeating myself, telling these assholes to move the fuck out of the way. If they refuse to comply with my T-shirt, I have no other option than to punch them hard in their assholes faces. It’s as simple as that.”

The T-shirts have been trialed at several locations, with great success.

“Some people think it’s a joke at first but when they don’t move their fat asses out of the way, I let fly with fists of fury.”

Much of the world is currently exercising social distancing measures to slow the spread of C19.

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Self-isolating couple file for divorce

self-isolation

A married couple who have been quarantined for the last 14 days have filed for divorce.

Henry and Daisy Dipshit have said that they never want to see each other again after their enforced quarantine.

Henry told Grumpy Fuckers:

“That was the hardest two weeks of my life. I never want to do that again. I’ve had some shit thrown at me in my life but Jesus, that virus has got a lot to answer for. It started off pretty well. I was quite surprised to find that she’d lost her job making Polaroid cameras. For the first few days, we got on ok. But then things got tricky. By the end of the 14 days, I was wishing that the virus would just take me.”

Wife Daisy was also less than flattering about her husband.

“The man’s an arsehole. I can’t believe I married the shit. The less I see of him, the better. I want to find myself a real man.”

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Man imprisoned for playing Christmas music in his car in November

A man has been imprisoned for 3 months for playing Christmas music in his car.

Police said that Graham Smoothballs was ‘playing a ridiculous Christmas CD in his car when it’s only November’.

PC Billy Twoporches told Grumpy Fuckers:

“Our boys were out on patrol when this dickhead drove past with his windows down, playing this awful Christmas shit on his CD player. We believe it was Johnny Mathis. Our brave boys leapt into action at once, pulling the offender over and dragging him out of his car by the testicles. After throwing him over the front of his car, our officers then tasered him for a laugh before taking him down the station to be beaten about the heat with a rubber hose. We took him to court where the judge didn’t even bother hearing from the defence and handed down a 3 month sentence to start immediately. Hopefully, by the time this son-of-a-bitch comes out of prison, Christmas will be well and truly over. We had also confiscated his CD. Oh. And his car.”

Graham’s wife Theresa said:

“I warned him and warned him about playing that Christmas shit so early. He’s brought it all upon himself and has no one to blame but himself.”

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Man avoids emotional breakdowns by not having any emotions

A 50-year-old man has avoided having emotional breakdowns throughout his life by not having any emotions.

Tony Bigballs said that having no emotions made life a lot easier for him.

He said:

“I see friends and they’re running around like lunatics all day. They’re tired, they’re stressy and worst of all, they’re emotional. They go through highs and lows and live every emotion deeply. But they get tired. They’re having breakdowns all over the place. Me? I’m as fresh as a daisy. How come? For starters, I don’t go doing emotions. They sap you of energy. They raise you up to knock you down. By steering clear of having any emotions, I’ve found that I can avoid having any emotional breakdowns like my loser friends do.”

Bigballs said he was ‘thrilled’ not to have experienced any emotional breakdowns over the last 50 years.

“By ‘thrilled’, I mean that I’m sort of ok with it all.”

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Police given new powers to taser next person to ask ‘All ready for Christmas?’

Local police have been given emergency new powers to taser anyone who asks ‘All ready for Christmas?’

Thousands of people are expected to fall foul of the new law, which takes place with immediate effect.

PC Plod of the Police Force Federation told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We’ve been overwhelmed by the amount of people asking this question so we referred the matter to the Government. They boys and girls down there were pretty good at passing this act, which means that we can taser people on the spot should we hear them asking this bloody question. We had a woman last night who came into the station to report a break-in and while she was waiting to see someone, she asked one of our officers whether they were ready for Christmas. She was tasered, beaten about the head with a bottle of Fanta and placed in handcuffs. We have also sent out special undercover officers to infiltrate places of work.”

The new law also applies to people asking ‘What are you doing for Christmas?’