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2020 to be turned into a disaster movie

A studio in Hollywood has announced that it is to turn the year 2020 into a disaster movie.

The movie will come with the tagline ‘When you thought things couldn’t get any worse, it just did’.

Studio boss Danny SquareEyes told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I distinctly remember wishing my friends and family a happy 2020 on New Year’s Eve, and reminding myself that things couldn’t get any worse than they did in 2019. Boy was I wrong. This year has been an absolute shitshow and we’re not even halfway through yet. We’re going to sit tight and see how the next 7 months pan out and once it’s in the bag, we’ll get working on a script and get filming. We’ve not yet thought of who we’re going to cast, namely because we don’t know who’s still going to be with us by the end of the year. But we’ve already started some tentative storylines that we never thought we’d make because they seemed too over the top.”

The movie will be called 2020 – A Year of Shit, and studios are hoping to have it in cinemas across the world by the summer of 2021.

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Get ready for Grumpy Fuckers Day – Monday 25th May

Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Monday 25th May.

The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day.

One grumpy fucker said:

“Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day in my life. The first thing I do when I get up in the morning is moan to myself about how shit my life is. I then go downstairs and make myself a shit cup of coffee. I head off to work about 8am and then spend the day working with arseholes. After that, I come back home, make myself a shit dinner and go to bed. That’s it. That’s my life.”

Another fucker said:

“Meh. Just get out of my face, fucker.”

International Grumpy Fucker Day was first celebrated in 2007. It’s been celebrated every year since because that’s how often annual events are celebrated.

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Dickhead neighbour mows lawn at 7.30am on a Saturday

A dickhead neighbour has mown his lawn at 7.30am on a Saturday.

Residents hoping for a nice lie-in were woken by Alan Dupper and his Qualcast 125cc push petrol rotary lawnmower.

Alan told Grumpy Fuckers:

“My lawn needed doing so I got up early so that I could then spend the rest of the day relaxing. It’s quite a large lawn so it took me about half an hour. Some of my neighbours started hanging out of their bedroom windows and calling me all the names under the sun but I had that same sort of treatment a few weeks ago when I started drilling a wall down in my living room at 6am. They’re not very nice around here – I thought I had moved to a nice neighbourhood but they’re all pretty selfish.”

Neighbour Emma Dale said:

“I didn’t get in till 5.30am this morning because I stopped over at my mate’s house for a drunken shag. I was then woken by Mr Dickhead and now I can’t get back to sleep.”

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Woman spends three hours doing hair to buy bread

A woman has spent three hours doing her hair nice so that she can go and buy a loaf of bread.

Emily Triplebelly washed it, blow-dried it and styled it in order to go and buy herself a small bloomer.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I don’t get out much these days so it’s nice to make an effort. I got up early so that I had plenty of time. I didn’t want to rush anything in case the man down the shop noticed. Once I’d done my hair nice, I went to the shop and bought a loaf of bread. It was only a small loaf I wanted since I’m trying to cut down on my carbs these days. I’ve become the size of a small hippo since the lockdown. I came home and made a small sandwich with the bread I’d bought. Sadly, no one commented on my hair that I’d spent so long doing. Still, in my own mind, it looked nice and I was proud of myself for doing it.”

Emily plans on putting on her ballgown over the weekend to go and buy some eggs.

“I’ll have to get up very early for that,” she added.

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Vibrators ask for some time out

Vibrators across the world have been asking their owners for some time out.

The phallic funboys have been in constant demand since the lockdown started, but many are now experiencing burnout.

One dildo told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I’m used to working once, maybe twice a week. This week, I’ve put in 17 shifts, including 7 in just one day. My owner doesn’t know whether she’s coming or going, as it were. All I know is that I’m exhausted. I’ve had to change my battery three times this week and I’m just hoping that she’ll run out and won’t be able to go to the shops to get more. I wasn’t built for this kind of industrial abuse. I should have joined the union when I had the chance. I can’t get a word in edgeways and I wake up every morning with a horrible feeling of dread coming over me. I don’t think I can take any more.”

One user told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I’ve completed Netflix and YouTube and the only thing left for me to do now is frig myself to death. It’s not my fault. I blame the government.”

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Man has underpants surgically removed after wearing them for 13 years

A 54 year-old man has had his underpants surgically removed after he had worn them for 13 consecutive years.

Brian CrispyGrits underwent the procedure after his wife threatened to divorce him if he didn’t change them.

Brian told Grumpy Fuckers:

“They were my comfy ones so I liked to wear them every day. But then after the hot weather yesterday, my wife Sheila went apeshit on me, telling me to change them. It was only then that I realised that my kegs had become attached to my body. Sheila called an ambulance and a few hours later, they were finally off. It’s a shame really because I considered them my lucky ones.”

Wife Sheila was relieved that her husband was finally free of his underpants.

“I bought them for him back in 2002 and he’s worn them every day since. They had a massive hole in them and his bollocks were hanging out of them like a bag of giblets. I’d like to thank the staff at the hospital for all their help.”

Sheila is now planning a trip to the shops when they reopen to buy Brian a new pair of underpants.

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Self-isolating woman completes Netflix

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A woman in self-isolation has successfully watched everything on Netflix.

Ethel LardArse says that she’s now moving on to YouTube, and hopes to complete that too by the end of the month.

She told Grumpy Fuckers.

“The big boss man told us that we’ve all got to stay indoors in case we get the virus. Luckily, I’d recently signed up to Netflix so the first thing I did was sit on my fat arse and flick it on. Within the first day, I’d completed seven box sets and just a few short hours ago, I finally managed to complete it all. I haven’t moved from my sofa once apart to get myself some ice cream from my freezer.

“My next challenge is to complete YouTube, which my friend reckons is doable by the end of the month. After that, fuck knows what I’m going to do with myself. I’ll probably have to frig myself to death.”

Ethel’s husband Stan said that he is proud of his wife’s achievements.

“We’re going through some tough times but she’s as tough as shit.”

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45% women secretly use their fella’s beard trimmers to mow their lady gardens

A staggering 45% of the female population secretly use their boyfriend or husband’s beard trimmers to trim their muffters.

Researchers found that a further 76% fail to wash the trimmer before returning back to the bathroom cupboard.

Brian Bellend who conducted the survey, told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We are both shocked and amused that women do this kind of thing without telling their other half. Of all the women we spoke to, only one had a trimmer of her own. The rest either let things grow wild or used their fella’s beard trimmers. We were taken aback by the secrecy of it all. We are not sure about how many men are having their beard trimmers used but the figures suggest that it is quite high.”

One woman who didn’t want to be named said:

“I take my hubby’s trimmer and do everything from arsehole to breakfast time. He never notices. At least I don’t think so.”

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New T-shirt campaign aims to tackle social distancing assholes

A new T-shirt campaign has been launched to alert social distancing assholes to back the fuck off.

The new T-shirts tell the assholes to back away, reminding them to keep 6 feet away from the wearer.

Gilly Underfumble, who created the T-shirts told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I’m sick of walking down the street and coming across assholes who won’t move out of my way. I’ve made these T-shirts so that I don’t have to go repeating myself, telling these assholes to move the fuck out of the way. If they refuse to comply with my T-shirt, I have no other option than to punch them hard in their assholes faces. It’s as simple as that.”

The T-shirts have been trialed at several locations, with great success.

“Some people think it’s a joke at first but when they don’t move their fat asses out of the way, I let fly with fists of fury.”

Much of the world is currently exercising social distancing measures to slow the spread of C19.

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Self-isolating couple file for divorce

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A married couple who have been quarantined for the last 14 days have filed for divorce.

Henry and Daisy Dipshit have said that they never want to see each other again after their enforced quarantine.

Henry told Grumpy Fuckers:

“That was the hardest two weeks of my life. I never want to do that again. I’ve had some shit thrown at me in my life but Jesus, that virus has got a lot to answer for. It started off pretty well. I was quite surprised to find that she’d lost her job making Polaroid cameras. For the first few days, we got on ok. But then things got tricky. By the end of the 14 days, I was wishing that the virus would just take me.”

Wife Daisy was also less than flattering about her husband.

“The man’s an arsehole. I can’t believe I married the shit. The less I see of him, the better. I want to find myself a real man.”

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Man imprisoned for playing Christmas music in his car in November

A man has been imprisoned for 3 months for playing Christmas music in his car. Police said that Graham Smoothballs was ‘playing a ridiculous Christmas CD in his car when it’s only November’. PC Billy Twoporches told Grumpy Fuckers: “Our boys were out on patrol when this dickhead drove past with his windows down, playing this awful Christmas shit on his CD player. We believe it was Johnny Mathis. Our brave boys leapt into action at once, pulling the offender over and dragging him out of his car by the testicles. After throwing him over the front of his car, our officers then tasered him for a laugh before taking him down the station to be beaten about the heat with a rubber hose. We took him to court where the judge didn’t even bother hearing from the defence and handed down a 3 month sentence to start immediately. Hopefully, by the time this son-of-a-bitch comes out of prison, Christmas will be well and truly over. We had also confiscated his CD. Oh. And his car.” Graham’s wife Theresa said: “I warned him and warned him about playing that Christmas shit so early. He’s brought it all upon himself and has no one to blame but himself.”
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Man avoids emotional breakdowns by not having any emotions

A 50-year-old man has avoided having emotional breakdowns throughout his life by not having any emotions.

Tony Bigballs said that having no emotions made life a lot easier for him.

He said:

“I see friends and they’re running around like lunatics all day. They’re tired, they’re stressy and worst of all, they’re emotional. They go through highs and lows and live every emotion deeply. But they get tired. They’re having breakdowns all over the place. Me? I’m as fresh as a daisy. How come? For starters, I don’t go doing emotions. They sap you of energy. They raise you up to knock you down. By steering clear of having any emotions, I’ve found that I can avoid having any emotional breakdowns like my loser friends do.”

Bigballs said he was ‘thrilled’ not to have experienced any emotional breakdowns over the last 50 years.

“By ‘thrilled’, I mean that I’m sort of ok with it all.”

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Police given new powers to taser next person to ask ‘All ready for Christmas?’

Local police have been given emergency new powers to taser anyone who asks ‘All ready for Christmas?’

Thousands of people are expected to fall foul of the new law, which takes place with immediate effect.

PC Plod of the Police Force Federation told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We’ve been overwhelmed by the amount of people asking this question so we referred the matter to the Government. They boys and girls down there were pretty good at passing this act, which means that we can taser people on the spot should we hear them asking this bloody question. We had a woman last night who came into the station to report a break-in and while she was waiting to see someone, she asked one of our officers whether they were ready for Christmas. She was tasered, beaten about the head with a bottle of Fanta and placed in handcuffs. We have also sent out special undercover officers to infiltrate places of work.”

The new law also applies to people asking ‘What are you doing for Christmas?’

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Happiness an ‘over-rated’ emotion

The emotion of happiness has been officially classified as ‘over-rated’.

Over 3,000 Grumpy Fuckers were questioned about happiness, and nearly 97% said it was over-rated.

One Grumpy Fucker said:

“I spent my whole life chasing happiness and it was only just as I’m nearing the end of my life that I’ve realised that I was never going to get it. I worked my arse off, day in, day out, to make other people happy, thinking that it would make me happy. It’s only now that I realise that happiness is so over-rated. I suggest that people spend the best part of their lives chasing other things instead – like getting laid.”

Happiness featured way down on the list of things that Grumpy Fuckers valued. Other emotions that were also over-rated included empathy, a sense of achievement and kindness.

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Inspirational memes cure 97% cases of depression

Inspirational memes posted by social media users cure up to 97% of cases of depression.

Social media users who post inspirational memes are often viewed as experts in curing mental health disorders.

One social media user told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I was down on my luck. I was really having a hard time of things and I couldn’t see a way out. Then I logged onto my social media account and saw something that one of my expert friends had posted. It was a picture of a sunset, saying that ‘I was enough’. I wasn’t exactly sure what or what I was enough for but thanks to my friend, I’m now completely cured of my depression. My life has completely turned around thanks to their inspirational quote. I feel like a new person. I now laugh in the face of depression and I skip to work every morning like a child. It’s been an amazing journey.”

The user who posted the inspiration quote said:

“I knew I could help.”

A recent study has shown that nearly all cases of depression can be totally cured by reading an inspirational meme.

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World Peace Day ruined by asshole with a lawnmower

World Peace Day has officially been ruined by an asshole with a lawnmower.

Local residents were woken at 7.30 this morning by Jimmy Dickface, who was mowing his lawn.

One resident told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I was resting in bed because I’d been up late last night sitting on my husband’s face. I thought I’d be able to get some sleep in the morning because it’s the weekend. But just after 7.30 this morning, Jimmy Dickface gets his lawnmower out and starts trimming his lawn. He’s had all fucking week to do it but he decides to do it when we’re all trying to get some sleep. He spent just 20 minutes mowing his lawn and then fucked off into town while the rest of us couldn’t get back to sleep. If I see Jimmy Dickface around, I’m going to punch him straight in the face. People like him should not be allowed to own a lawnmower and should be punched in the face instead.”

Jimmy’s wife explained his early morning antics:

“Jimmy shat the bed last night so rather than change the sheets, he fucked off and did the lawn instead as it was easier. He’s such a dickface.”

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Kids voted #1 reason why people drink

Children have been voted the #1 reason why people drink themselves into oblivion.

98% of piss-heads included in a recent survey, said that their kids were the main reason they drank themselves silly.

One participant said:

“I get up at 6.30am every day to get stuff ready for the little fuckers. I have to drag them out of bed because they don’t respond to me shouting up the stairs, I have to dress them, feed them and even tell them to take a shit because if I don’t, they won’t do it. After I get home from the school run, I sit down and have a bottle of brandy all to myself. Then I spend the day picking up all their shit in the house, ready for when they come back home from school, when they get it all back out again. I finally get them to bed about 10pm, after which, I open a bottle of vodka and drink that shit until I pass out. Then I’m up again at 6.30 the next day.”

Professor Ian Limpwrist, who conducted the survey said:

“It’s clear that children are the main reason why adults drink themselves into oblivion. If children were more grown-up, things would be a lot different around the world. As it is, they continue in their childish ways and we all have to put up with it.”

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University offers qualification in being a Grumpy Fucker

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A university in London is now offering people to be a fully qualified Grumpy Fucker.

The University of Farkin Larden will be offering the 3-year course from 2020.

Professor Henry Scrote told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We’ve often seen amateur Grumpy Fuckers around the world but we are now offering the chance to actually obtain some accreditation for it. So many people are so good at it and we just want to embrace that potential and turn it into something more tangible. Our course will offer students to study the psychology of being a Grumpy Fucker, and learn how to use it in day-to-day scenarios. We’re going to charge shitloads of money for it because we know that they course will be a sell-out and if possible, I’d like to sleep with all the good-looking birds who come on the course. Just don’t tell my wife that. Or print what I just said obvs.”

The course will only have room for 300 students, or 270 if some of them are fat fuckers.

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Arsehole sits through entire movie pointing out differences to the book

An arsehole has spent an entire movie pointing out the differences between the movie and the book.

Glen Shitface sat through the 2010 version of Alice in Wonderland and pointed out every single difference between that and Lewis Carroll’s book.

His wife Glenda said:

“I’m never going to watch a film with him again. The man is a dickhead. All I wanted to do was sit down and watch just one film of my choosing. And then my arsehole husband decides that he’s the literary master by pointing out all the differences. I really couldn’t give a shit. I just wanted to watch it and escape my shitty marriage for a few hours. I want a divorce. In fact, I’m going to sell him. Do you want to buy him? Name your price. He’s yours. Yes. You can have him for free. Just take him away. Please.”

Glen plans to spend the next week with his new girlfriend.

“I think I might take her to the cinema,” he said. “I hear that The Cat in the Hat is on and I’d like to see how it differs to the book.”

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Government set up National Cockwomble Register

The government is to set up a National Cockwomble register to allow authorities to keep track of their activities.

Registered cockwombles will be subject to a range of restrictions, including being allowed out in the daytime and night time.

A spokesman for the government told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We’ve been calling for this register for many years now. The number of cockwombles in this country has increased by nearly 1,000% and we are facing an epidemic. Anyone who is deemed to be cockwomble will be forced to sign onto the register, both to warn members of the public, and so that we can keep track of them on a daily basis. Should anyone contravene any of the restrictions placed upon them, and we’ll come down on them like a sack of shit. And heavy shit at that. Members of the public can report people being cockwombles via a new cockwomble hotline that we’re setting up.”

One woman, who has a cockwomble partner said:

“As soon as this becomes law, I’ll be phoning the hotline and getting my partner on that list. He is a complete and utter cockwomble and should be sent to live on Mars.”

Authorities are expecting a large number of cockwombles to be registered within the first few days.

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