Breakfast radio DJs across the country have been instructed to stop sounding so fucking happy.
Critics have complained that sounding so happy about life so early in the morning is unnatural, and should be banned.
Frank Grumblebags of the National Council of Radio Stations said:
“We’ve been having happy DJs first thing in the morning for far too long. Back in the day, I used to turn my radio on and listen to pure silence because there were no fuckers on the airwaves. Then some arsehole comes along and thinks it’s funny to be happy first thing in the morning. The annoying thing about radio is that you can’t punch the offender in the face. All you can do is turn that shit off. We are calling for a blanket ban across the country to stop these people infecting our mornings with happiness and laughter. It’s just not right.”
Brett Smiley, breakfast DJ for Shit FM said:
“I’m so happy in the mornings. I just want to make everyone else happy. After 10am when I get home though, I am a miserable fucker.”
A silent hairdressers has opened for grumpy fuckers who hate small talk.
Grumpy Fuckers’ Hair Salon opened its doors yesterday and was overwhelmed by demand.
Manager Sheila Fuckwit told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We appreciate that lots of fuckers just want to come in and get their hair cut. We hate talking shit as much as the next person but a lot of the time, we feel that we have to make small talk to cover up the awkward silences. Our salon offers our guests a new experience. We don’t say a fucking word and don’t expect our guests to either. It’s this kind of bespoke yet excellent customer service that makes us stand out from the competition.”
Customers to the salon will be pleased to know that their hairdresser won’t be asking where they’re going on holiday this year.
One customer said:
“I just want to sit on my fat arse and get my shitty hair cut. This place is perfect for me.”
World-famous coffee shop Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop has changed its name to Grumpy Fuckers Covfefe Shop in honour of Donald Trump’s now infamous tweet.
Trump was reportedly halfway through a tweet when the magic mushrooms he’d taken kicked in.
A spokesman for the White House said:
“These are the words of a true leader. People have been asking us all day what covfefe actually means – the word is Latin for great and glorious leader of the free world. It’s a word that defies meaning. Only certain people can say this word. It’s so special that it’s not even in the dictionary. You will find that our Chosen One was given this word by God himself. No ordinary man can comprehend it.”
Another spokesman said:
“Yeah Trump was off his tits. He was halfway through his tweet before he started dribbling and talking bollocks.”
A local man has visited his local gym and forgotten to ‘check-in’ on Facebook.
The dickhead, who didn’t want to be named for fear of embarrassment, visited Big Guns Gym last week.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I still can’t get my head around the fact that I went there, did a really good workout and then forgot to tell everyone on Facebook. What a waste of a gym visit. I am absolutely gutted. I told my wife Sheila when I got home and she hasn’t spoken to me since. I had to cancel a night out with the lads on the weekend in case I let slip. I told them I had bardy guts. I can’t even go back to the gym in case they saw my Facebook page last week and knew that I didn’t tag myself in. I’m mortified.”
The case follows last week’s revelation that some men are sitting outside their local gym, just so that they can ‘check-in’ and make it appear to their Facebook friends that they work out.
“These people are muppets.” said gym owner Jim ‘Gym’ Slim. “We all know you don’t have to physically be at the gym to check yourself in there.”
A woman who seduced a man in a nightclub wearing her Fuck Me Shoes replaced them with her Fuck Off Slippers when she got back to her place.
Frank Boner thought his luck was in after Denise Wideflaps gave him the come-on in Jurassic Park nightclub but she wanted to sleep instead.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I really thought I was in. I’m no oil painting and I’ve been to Jurassic Park many times and not even been acknowledged by a woman. But on this night, I really thought that my luck was in. I was stood looking at the dance floor when this woman called me over. I didn’t think she was looking at me at first because she had a bonk eye but eventually, we ended up dancing. She had these amazing Fuck Me Shoes on and she was rubbing her fat arse up against my groins. I bumped and grinded for a while and then she said that she wanted to take me home. I didn’t need to be asked twice. I went to the gents and got myself some protection and we got a cab home. When we got there, she put on her Fuck Off Slippers and told me to fuck off. She told me that she wanted to sleep and that I wasn’t welcome to stay.”
“I can’t remember much about what happened. I vaguely remember coming home in a cab with some fat twat so the story may be true.”
A 32 year old woman has faced up to the fact that being a grown up is shit.
Lucy Biffon said that she’s fed up of having to do grown up things and would like to be a kid again. Please.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“When I was little, my mum told me what life was wonderful. She took me by the hand and said that I had my whole life ahead of me – I’d see wonderful things, meet beautiful people and enjoy my life. Turns out that she was talking shit. I hate my job, can’t find a fella that’s right for me and my tits are already starting to droop like a pair of empty purses. Grown up is shit. I thought it’d be fun but all I do is pay bills, put the bins out, pick up the dog’s shit and go to sleep. I’d like to speak to my mum and ask for a refund because this is not what I signed up for, or what I was promised.”
Lucy’s mum said:
“I had to lie to give her some hope in the world. Sadly, she’s realised already that it’s all pretty pointless. I’m going to run away now. Bye.”
A woman has faked her own death to avoid having to have a romantic interlude with her husband.
Jennie Dryflaps said that she was fed up of her fella rubbing his semi up against her back to turn her on.
She told her local press:
“When my fella and I first got together, we were at it all over the place, all the time. We were tied at the groins – nothing could stop us getting it on. We’d do it at home, in the car, in the shopping mall – even in church. Then we got married and that was the end of that. Recently, he’s taken to rubbing his half-chubby up against my back in a bid to turn me on but it’s making me feel physically sick. He doesn’t even speak to me – he just rubs it all over like he’s painting my back with it. Yesterday morning, I’d had enough so I pretended I was dead. After two hours, he realised that I wasn’t responding and called an ambulance. They carted me off and once I was in the back of the ambulance, I was able to sit up and have a cup of tea. I phoned home an hour later, pretending that I was doctor, and telling him that I’d died. He took it pretty well. I’ve now booked a flight to Mexico where I can get some Mexican hunk to ravage me on the beach.”
Jennie said that faking her own death was worth it:
“At least I won’t have to deal with that every morning from now on.”
A local company has officially advertised a paid position of Office Arsehole.
The company has been inundated with applications from arseholes all over the country.
Jimmy FudgeFingers who placed the advert said:
“Every office has an arsehole, some more than others. We thought we’d embrace this wonderful diversity that Office Arseholes bring to the world of commerce. Duties include bringing food into the office each lunchtime, filling the fridge with loads of their own food and taking credit for someone else’s work. We also fully expect them to hit ‘Reply To All’ when they receive a company email and also to leave dirty cups and dishes around the place for other people to pick up. Being an Office Arsehole is a very important job and we are delighted to see the response we’ve had from our advert. Sadly, we lost our Office Arsehole last week when he ran off with all our takings.”
Applicant Andy Arsehole said:
“I like to bring fish or curry into work and cook it on site. I also like to steal other people’s milk from the fridge. I’m very clever and take from a different bottle each times so that I never get noticed. I’m a professional arsehole.”
A man who has spent his entire life paying bills has died.
Clarence Dullard started paying his bills when he was just 16 years and spent the following 71 years paying them.
Daughter Molly said:
“Dad spent his entire life paying bills but sadly after paying them for 71 years, he died. We were watching telly. He just kind of pulled a face and that was it – he was gone. I look back over his 71 years of him paying his bills and wonder if he’d have had more fun if he’d said ‘Fuck it’, bought a camper van and went to see the world. History has a funny way of repeating itself too as I’ve been paying bills now for nearly 26 years and I’ll probably end up the same way as Dad did.”
Clarence was buried on Monday but has left one final bill for his lazy daughter to pay – his funeral fees.
“Sadly, Dad forgot to pay in advance for his funeral. He wanted dancing naked ladies and all sorts there. What he failed to tell me was that I’d be paying for it.”
After 85 years of living on earth, an old wise man has concluded that everyone on the planet is a cockwomble.
Sanjay Grumpydrawers says that his conclusion is based on decades of research of the human race.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I’ve been around long enough to know what’s what. Ever since I was little boy, I began studying the human race and how they interacted with one another. It started with my parents. My dad was a right cockwomble and my mum wasn’t much better. I went to school and got bullied. Loads of cockwombles there. I got a job. Place was full of cockwombles. Moved to the city. Couldn’t move for cockwombles. Decided to become a hermit and live in a cave. Got myself a dog. He shat in my cave and fucked off. Another cockwomble. The world is full of cockwombles. Everywhere you look, there are millions of cockwombles and to be quite honest, I’ve had enough of it.”
Sanjay’s teachings are to be documented in a new TV show called ‘Everyone’s A Cockwomble’ which will be aired next year.
The total number of minutes that mums get to themselves has been totted up by someone very clever.
They’ve concluded that the amount of minutes that mums get to themselves in any given day is ‘fuck all’.
Peter ‘Pied’ Piper who made the findings said:
“We tried to speak to mums to get some feedback on how many minutes in a day that they get to themselves. On several occasions, we were kept waiting while the mums were sorting their kids out. On many occasions, we had to abandon the interviews because the kids kept interrupting everything. We spoke to some mums who told us that we’d have to speak to them later by phone as they had to be at soft play and despite several calls put in, we never actually got to speak to the mums. Everything considered, we concluded that the amount of actual minutes that mums get to themselves every day is what we call ‘fuck all’. It’s a technical term.”
We asked one mother what her thoughts were on the findings but she said that she had to go because she was late for feeding her little one.
A recent study has proven that being unique has no benefit to anyone.
The study by the University of FackAll proved conclusively that being unique doesn’t mean that you’re useful.
Prof. Brian CleverClogs who ran the study said:
“People go around thinking that they’re God’s gift to the world. The truth of the matter is, most of us are dispensable. Being unique means Jack Shit. It’s of no use to anyone so if anyone approaches you and tells you that they’re special, either punch them in the face or refer them to my study. If someone comes up to you and says that they work really hard, remind them that washing machines do too. Being unique is of no benefit to anyone.”
Lloyd Gunt who took part in the study said:
“I always thought that I was very special but I realise now that I’m not. I think I’ll spend the rest of my life in my bedroom, away from people.”
A man has been dragged from his own home after putting his phone into Airplane Mode.
Brian Wetcleft was trying out his new phone when police burst into his house and dragged him from his armchair.
Speaking from hospital, Brian told local reporters:
“I’d been very excited about my new phone as I’d never had one before. I made myself a cup of tea and turned my new phone on to see what it did. There were a few things that I wasn’t quite sure about and one of them was the Airplane Mode. Firstly, I couldn’t understand why it didn’t say Aeroplane Mode and then I wondered what happened if I pressed it. I thought my armchair might sprout a pair of wings or something. What I wasn’t expecting was a large group of armed police crashing through my window and dragging me from my chair. They dragged me out of the house and down the street where a few of the boys saw what was going on and tried to stop them. At one point, I was being pulled like Stretch Armstrong and I realise now that I’m about 1 foot taller than I was this morning. The police gave no explanation as to why they dragged me from the house but I did hear one of them mutter that I was overbooked.”
The police have given no formal response to this story, probably because we just made it all up.
“I’m hoping to get home soon and finish off that cup of tea,” said Brian. “I hate it when I don’t finish off a cup of tea. I feel incomplete.”
A large percentage of the population’s happiness derives directly from gloating in other people’s misfortunes.
The figure, published in a recent study, is an indicator that most people get on other people’s tits.
Jessica Fuckwit who took part in the survey said:
“I went through my entire teenage years being a spotty, messy freak. Most of the other girls were beautiful and my mum kept telling me that my day would come. Twenty years later and all the beautiful girls that were in my class are now decrepit grandmothers while I am in full blossom. Seeing these girls moaning on Facebook about how many more fellas are going to leave them, or the fact that they’re being turfed out of my house is music to my ears. My mum was right all along because most mums are.”
Gary Gunt who also took part in the study said:
“Seeing other people having bad luck makes me feel better about my shitty life. Only yesterday, I saw a guy trip over a dog, smack his face on a lamp post and then get run over by a passing street cleaning machine. Oh how I laughed.”
It’s here again- that’s right – the World’s Grumpiest Fucker Competition.
This year’s competition is called the Grumpiest Fucker of the Year Competition 2017 to reflect that actual year that we are in.
We’re also looking for the world’s grumpiest fucker, hence the title.
Do you know someone who mopes around the place with a face like a slapped arse? Do you live with someone who lingers around the place like a bad fart? Are you married to someone who moans about any old shit they can think of? Then you need to nominate them. Right here, right now.
All you need to do is fill in the form below, explaining why you think this asshole is the world’s grumpiest fucker.
Winners will receive an exclusive mug T-shirt and a mug so if they’re a fat fucker, remember to specify a size for the T-shirt.
83% of the world’s dog population bark just to be annoying little bastards.
That’s the startling conclusion into a recent study into why the little shits make so much noise.
Professor Danny Dogger who headed up the survey said:
“We spoke to over 450 dogs and asked them the same question – Why do you bark? In over 83% of cases, the dogs replied that they bark just to be annoying little bastards. Some dogs said that they only barked to piss their owners off and some also said that they barked to annoy neighbours. What we are seeing here is a large-scale attempt by our canine friends to be annoying fuckers, and this will help us going forward in finding ways to stop them being so noisy.”
One dog said:
“Yeah man. I just bark to piss my owners off. I usually like barking when their favourite TV show comes on. I’ll bark until they tell me to stop and when they do, I bark even more. I also like to bark when they’re trying to get their jig on. There’s nothing funnier than seeing my owner trying to get his end away while trying to stop me from barking at the same time.”
The World Health Association has officially classed coffee withdrawal symptoms as a medical condition.
Depresso is experienced when an individual is exposed to lack of coffee. Sufferers experience anything from headaches to committing homicide.
A very important spokesperson said:
“This condition has been around for a long, long time but it’s only now that we’ve gotten off our arses and officially classified it. We called it Depresso because we thought that sounded clever. Individuals who are exposed to lack of coffee can suffer incredibly. We often see sufferers lash out at other individuals or inanimate objects. The only way that it can be controlled is to reintroduce coffee into the bloodstream. We are working closely with hospitals so that those who have acute symptoms can be put on a drip and receive their coffee intravenously. Depresso cannot be passed from person to person but we have seen a very large increase in reported cases since we officially classified it.”
One sufferer said:
“I went one day without coffee and I ended up punching a local priest in the face. That’s the kind of thing you do when suffering from Depresso.
Easter Egg Hunts across the country are proving that kids can find things when they really, really want to.
Children often have problems locating clean clothes, the things that they were sent upstairs to fetch, as well as inner calm.
Frank ‘Humpty’ EggHead, who runs local Egg Hunts said:
“I’m sure that this is something that’s played out across the country. But chuck in a few bits of chocolate and maybe some toys and these kids can sniff them out from 3 miles. At one recent event, we even encased some treats inside some lead and buried underground. Even Superman couldn’t find them, but sure as fuck, these kids found them and ate them inside ten minutes. Back at home, I ask them where their dirty school uniform is so that it can be washed, and they can’t find a thing. Send them upstairs to fetch my reading glasses – can’t find them. Ask them to simmer down and find some inner calm – bullshit. Their talent soon deserts them.”
One parent added:
“I sent my daughter outside to find my phone as I’d last used it when I was outside gardening. She couldn’t find my phone but she did find her way to the local supermarket and bought herself a shitload of sweets and candy.”
37% of all men grow beards to cover up their pig-ugly faces.
The recent study showed that ugly men would grow their beards all over their faces if they could.
Kevin LardArse who ran the study said:
“The recent rise of the hipster look has given men the ideal opportunity to cover up their face if they themselves deemed them ugly. Previously, we used to see lads walking around with cardboard boxes on their heads but not so much these days. The hipster beard means that these boys can still show their faces in public and even attempt to try and chat others up- all without the need for a cardboard box. Our figures showed that 37% of men across the world only grew their beard so that they don’t look so bad. We were also surprised at how ugly some of the men were when they shaved their beards off.”
One participant in the study said that he had another reason for growing a beard:
“My chin looks like a pair of large buttocks so I was more than happy when the hipster beard look came along. I can walk to the shops now without looking as if I’ve got a massive arse hanging off my face.”
The other 63% questions said that they grew their beards because they look dashingly handsome with them.
People who work and live in London have been voted the Grumpiest Fuckers in the UK.
Londoners, more commonly known as Laaaardernuz in their local tongue, were installed as the Grumpiest Fuckers in the UK by everyone outside of London.
Gareth ThunderGunt, who headed up the survey said:
“The UK has a wide variety of Grumpy Fuckers. Last year’s winners were the Scottish who always seem particularly miserable. That may be down to the fact that they never get any sun and that they always have midges flying around the place. But the Scottish are a lovely race and this year, their Grumpy title was well and truly snatched from them by Londoners. For anyone who has every visited the city, you can tell that they’re a true Londoner because they’ll have a face like a slapped arse and won’t speak to you. Londoners polled over 75% of the vote this year, which is a record for us.”
London commuters were particularly grumpy, presumably because they don’t get to see any of the natural world on their 10 hour journeys to and from work.