Tag Archives: featured

Santa asking kids to leave out gin and donuts this year


Santa has reportedly been asking kids to leave out bottles of gin and boxes of donuts for him this year. Santa’s rough year means that he’d appreciate gin and donuts, rather than the traditional milk and mince pies this Christmas. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “I get fed up of the same old shit, year in […]

PROVEN: Resting bitch faces keep you looking young


Researchers at a very posh university have scientifically proven that people with resting bitch faces look younger. Their work proves that people who smile too much look wrinkly and that too much happiness can leave you looking haggard and miserable. Professor Brian CleverClogs who headed the study told Grumpy Fuckers: “Us clever people have suspected […]

People who whistle non-tunes can now legally be punched in the throat

People who whistle shit that doesn’t even resemble a song can now legally be punched in the throat. It means that people who appear happy in their jobs can be reminded that other people don’t want to listen to their shit. Police spokesman Danny LoveTruncheon told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve all heard it – some dickhead […]

Will you be calling in sick on 17th October – International Fuck Work Day?


That’s right! The day when we can finally tell work to go fuck itself is finally here. Grumpy Fuckers all over the world will be calling work and telling their managers where they can stick their shitty jobs. Campaign manager Clive Grimgrits, who runs Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop in Cardiff said: “I’ve worked for some […]

Grumpiness linked to higher intelligence

Scientists have officially proved that intelligent people are the grumpiest fuckers on earth. The study showed that those who have an IQ of 140 or more were the grumpiest fuckers known to mankind. Professor CleverClogs who commissioned and carried out the study, told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve all had an inkling that those with greater intelligence […]

International Day of Happiness can fuck right off


Grumpy Fuckers all over the world are staging protests at today’s International Day of Happiness. Some grumpy fuckers are refusing to get out of bed while others are moping around with faces like slapped arses in protest of the day. Clive Grimgrits, who runs Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop said: “What a shower of shit. We […]

The average dog spends 25 minutes looking for the perfect place to shit

Scientists have shown that dogs take at least 25 minutes to find the perfect place to shit. Unlike humans, who just drop their guts at the nearest WC, dogs need a particular place to lay a cable. Brian CleverClogs who headed up the investigation told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve been studying these dogs over a period […]

Hold on to your wheels! It’s International Dickhead Driver Day!

Motorists all over the world are bracing themselves for International Dickhead Driver Day. Dickhead drivers all over the world will be tail-gating, cutting people up and pulling out in front of other people. One motorist told Grumpy Fuckers: “I can’t wait. I drive like a dickhead all the time and I can’t wait to be […]

Prosecco coolers to be introduced to offices nationwide

Offices across the country are to introduce Prosecco coolers to keep their workers happy. The drive is aimed at decreasing the number of grumpy fuckers who work in offices. Campaigner Kayne EastbyNortheast told Grumpy Fuckers: “We are aiming to have a Prosecco cooler in every office by the year 2020. Employers would see a significant […]

OFFICIAL: Taking your bra off after a long day is the best feeling in the world 2018

Taking your bra off after a long day is the best feeling in the world has been declared the best feeling in the world this year. Setting the puppies free has also been ranked ‘Best Feeling of 2018’ by women. A spokeswoman from the Institute of Feelings and Emotions told Grumpy Fuckers: “There have been […]

Don’t bother – it’s International Neg Head Day


If you woke up this morning, happy that you were alive and that a new day is a new start – think again. That’s because it’s International Neg Head Day, the day where all the doom-and-gloomers come out and shit all over any little piece of happiness you have. Organiser Jimmy LardArse told Grumpy Fuckers: […]

Doctors receptionists voted Grumpiest Fuckers of 2018

Doctors receptionists have claimed the title of this year’s Grumpiest Fuckers in the World. It means that they have successfully defended the crown they won last year. Gloria Grumpydrawers, Treasurer of the Grumpy Doctors Receptionists Guild said: “We are delighted to have won this title for a second time. We undergo a lot of training […]

Good-looking people more likely to be Grumpy Fuckers

You might be a stunner but chances are, you’re probably not happy. Scientists have proven the despite their good looks, beautiful people are often the grumpiest fuckers on earth. Professor BoggleEyes of Fuckwit University told Grumpy Fuckers: “You think they’ve got everything because they’ve got the looks. But oh no. Far from it. We asked […]

It’s International Hug A Grumpy Fucker Day!

People all over the world are being urged to Hug a Grumpy Fucker in the world’s first International Hug A Grumpy Fucker Day. The day is aimed at giving grumpy people some attention and cheering the fuckers up. Organiser Clive Grimgrits told Grumpy Fuckers: “I get to do fuck all every day so I thought […]

Grumpy fucker told overly happy man ‘to fuck off’ before punching him

A court has heard that a Grumpy Fucker told an overly happy man to ‘fuck off’ before proceeding to punch him in the bollocks. Gerald Grizzle said that he acted in self-defence after the happy man became too fucking annoying. Victim Tim Sparkles told police: “I’m such a happy-go-lucky chap. The world is a beautiful […]

People who post motivational bullshit can fuck right off

People who continually post bullshit so-called motivational posts can fuck right off, according to a new charity. The Grumpy Fuckers Veterans Society said that those who spend days posting motivational bullshit never really achieve anything in life themselves. A spokeswoman for the group said: “I see it all the time on social media. These fuckers […]

Sarcasm replaces English language as official language of over-40s


Sarcasm has overtaken the English language to become the most popular language among over-40s. The new figures show a correlation between an increasing general disappointment in life and increasing usage of sarcasm as a first language. Professor Greypants of Noname University told Grumpy Fuckers: “We have found a startling connection between increased age and the […]

Woman thrown out of coffee shop after asking for decaf

A woman has been thrown out of a coffee shop after she asked for a decaf Americano. Lisa Largethighs was thrown out of Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop early yesterday morning. Shop manager Clive Grimgrits told Grumpy Fuckers: “We get all kinds of arseholes coming in here and every single one of them is grumpy as […]