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The average dog spends 25 minutes looking for the perfect place to shit

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Scientists have shown that dogs take at least 25 minutes to find the perfect place to shit.

Unlike humans, who just drop their guts at the nearest WC, dogs need a particular place to lay a cable.

Brian CleverClogs who headed up the investigation told Grumpy Fuckers:



“We’ve been studying these dogs over a period of several months and with our stopwatches, we figured that dogs take a tremendous amount of time looking for the perfect place to shit. We’ve no idea why this is the case. We just know that they take a very long time. In some cases, dogs go away as far from their owners as they can. This isn’t a privacy thing. They just want to piss the owners off as they then have to walk have a mile to pick the shit up. In one experiment we did, one dog decided to go to a neighbouring town for his shit. He caught the bus there and back.”

Dog owner Jimmy Bigballs said:

“I take my dog out for 25 minutes a day and every minutes of that walk is him looking for a place to shit.”

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Santa asking kids to leave out gin and donuts this year

Santa has reportedly been asking kids to leave out bottles of gin and boxes of donuts for him this year.

Santa’s rough year means that he’d appreciate gin and donuts, rather than the traditional milk and mince pies this Christmas.

He told Grumpy Fuckers:



“I get fed up of the same old shit, year in year out. This year, I want to have some fun so I’ve been asking the kids to leave out some gin and donuts for me. Christmas Eve will be so much more exciting knowing that I pissed off my head and stuffed full of cake. The kids have been very responsive so far and told me that they’ve leave out what I’ve asked for. I was going to be cheeky and ask for them to leave out some spliffs for me but I don’t want to push things too far. Maybe next year.”

One child said:

“I sat on Santa’s knee and reeled off what I wanted for Christmas. He then turned around and told me that I’d only get what I asked for if I left a bottle of gin and box of donuts out for him. I told him to leave it to me so I’m looking forward to getting all my presents this year.”

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Hold on to your wheels! It’s International Dickhead Driver Day!

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Motorists all over the world are bracing themselves for International Dickhead Driver Day.

Dickhead drivers all over the world will be tail-gating, cutting people up and pulling out in front of other people.

One motorist told Grumpy Fuckers:




“I can’t wait. I drive like a dickhead all the time and I can’t wait to be joined by all the other dickhead drivers in the world. I’m going to get up nice and early so that I can make the most of it. I’ve been testing out my horn so that I can toot to people for no reason, I’ve taken off all the mirrors attached to the car so that I’ve no idea who’s around me and I’ll also be wearing heavy shoes so that I can press the fast pedal really well. I do hope that everyone comes out to join us because we love being dickhead drivers.”

Another motorist said:

“Ah shit. That’s the last thing we need is a load more dickheads on the road. I think I’ll just stay in bed and play with myself instead.”

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QUIZ: Are you on Santa’s Good List or Naughty List?

It won’t be long before the judgmental fucker that is Santa Claus will be jamming his fat arse down our chimneys. But are you on his Good List or his Naughty List? Find out here:

Welcome to your Are you on Santa's Good List or Bad List?

You are crossing the road when you spot a frail old lady with a small dog waiting to cross the road. Do you?
A small child trips in front of you spilling their sweets and grazing their knee. Do you?
You find a purse while you're waiting for the number 62 bus. It's wodged full of cash but also contains some ID belonging to a little old lady. Do you?
The local church is looking for new lead that has been stolen from their roof. Do you?
You borrow a DVD from a friend but when you get home, you realise the DVD in the case is one of their homemade porn films. Do you?
You are in a crowded lift and you've got the mother of all farts brewing. What do you do?
Your dog wants to go out for a walk but you're very tired. Do you?
A car pulls up and the driver asks you for directions. Do you?
What do you mostly use social media for?
What do you think of Santa Claus?


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People who whistle non-tunes can now legally be punched in the throat

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People who whistle shit that doesn’t even resemble a song can now legally be punched in the throat.

It means that people who appear happy in their jobs can be reminded that other people don’t want to listen to their shit.

Police spokesman Danny LoveTruncheon told Grumpy Fuckers:



“We’ve all heard it – some dickhead happy at their job, whistling something that doesn’t even resemble a song. People that need to be punched hard in the throat so we’ve pushed through some legislation that means that anyone can now legally shut the happy fuckers up. I was in a restaurant yesterday and there was this prick who was happily cleaning the dishes out the back. He was so happy in his job that he was whistling any old shit. I slammed down my steak, stormed into the kitchen and punched the fucker in the throat. He stopped whistling after that. I am glad to see our law-makers seeing sense and passing this as law.”

One postman who didn’t want to be identified said:

“It now means that I’ll have to do my rounds in complete silence. This world has gone mad.”

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Woman rushes home from work to do fuck all at home

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A woman has rushed home from work to do fuck all at home.

Hattie Gammon managed to get home in record time in order to sit on her arsehole and do nothing.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:



“I can’t wait to get out of work. I hate it. The best part of going to work is coming home again and on Friday, I just needed to get home asap. I left at 6pm on the fucking dot, got in my car and drove like a fucking loon. I was home in record time and when I got in, I did fuck all. It was amazing. I just sat there and did absolutely nothing. It was the best feeling in the world.”

Hattie also did very little over the weekend.

“I just sat around doing fuck all for most of it,” she said. “Sometimes, that’s all a girl wants and I’m glad I rushed home on Friday so I had more time to do fuck all.”

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Prosecco coolers to be introduced to offices nationwide

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Offices across the country are to introduce Prosecco coolers to keep their workers happy.

The drive is aimed at decreasing the number of grumpy fuckers who work in offices.

Campaigner Kayne EastbyNortheast told Grumpy Fuckers:



“We are aiming to have a Prosecco cooler in every office by the year 2020. Employers would see a significant increase in the happiness of their workers, and workplace would become a nice place to work once again. Over the last few decades, the office has become a place of doom and negativity. Our aim is to ply workers with huge amounts of Prosecco in order to reverse this trend. We tested it in our workplace and every day has been a great one. I can’t remember much about them but the photos are hilarious. Also, our Chief Executive has had to go off work as she’s now found out that she’s pregnant. By Phil in accounts I think. And Tina’s broken leg is healing nicely after her fall from the top of the photocopier.”

Prosecco coolers are expected to be installed in most offices throughout November.

“I can’t wait,” said one worker. “I’m going to get shit-faced every day.”

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OFFICIAL: Taking your bra off after a long day is the best feeling in the world 2018

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Taking your bra off after a long day is the best feeling in the world has been declared the best feeling in the world this year.

Setting the puppies free has also been ranked ‘Best Feeling of 2018’ by women.

A spokeswoman from the Institute of Feelings and Emotions told Grumpy Fuckers:



“There have been days where the only thing I look forward to is unhooking my bra and releasing my boulders from their holders. In this day and age, and the popularity of moobs among the lads, bras have never been so popular. We asked 13 people what they thought was the best feeling in the world and every single one of our subjects gave the answer of undoing their bra at the end of a long day. Who’d have thought it?”

One of the subjects added:

“I came home last night after a shitty day and the only thing that was on my mind was undoing my bra. I cried I was so happy. It was an emotional moment.”

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Don’t bother – it’s International Neg Head Day

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If you woke up this morning, happy that you were alive and that a new day is a new start – think again.

That’s because it’s International Neg Head Day, the day where all the doom-and-gloomers come out and shit all over any little piece of happiness you have.

Organiser Jimmy LardArse told Grumpy Fuckers:



“We’ve been wanting to launch this day for years but we couldn’t be arsed and we never thought it’d do any good. I still don’t see what it’s going to achieve to be honest but I’ve recently been sacked for being too negative so I’d rather do that than sit around trying to better my life. We’re not expecting it to be a successful day.”

Neg heads all over the world are being encouraged to put the dampeners on any one’s positivity today.

“If someone tells you about their exciting new plan, point out how it’ll never work. If someone’s achieved something that they’ve been striving for ages to achieve, point out what they haven’t achieved yet. If anyone tells you that they’re happy, point out all their failings,” added LardArse.

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Doctors receptionists voted Grumpiest Fuckers of 2018

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Doctors receptionists have claimed the title of this year’s Grumpiest Fuckers in the World.

It means that they have successfully defended the crown they won last year.

Gloria Grumpydrawers, Treasurer of the Grumpy Doctors Receptionists Guild said:




“We are delighted to have won this title for a second time. We undergo a lot of training and work very hard to be the rude and grumpy fuckers that you see sat behind those desks. It’s not a job that anyone can do – you really do need to go that extra mile, whether it’s shouting a patient’s confidential details out so that everyone can hear, or just simply ignoring people stood in front of you and answering the phone instead. This title is validation that we’re doing all the right things and we’ll be giving it pride of place in our trophy cabinet.”

Freddie MiseryGuts of the Grumpy Fuckers Competition said:

“We had some stiff competition this year, especially from the likes of accountants and even doctors themselves. But I am glad to see the trophy going to where it belongs – the Grumpiest Fuckers in the World. We wish them a very grumpy year ahead.”

Doctors receptionists won the title last year and are the first people to win it back-to-back.

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Good-looking people more likely to be Grumpy Fuckers

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You might be a stunner but chances are, you’re probably not happy.

Scientists have proven the despite their good looks, beautiful people are often the grumpiest fuckers on earth.

Professor BoggleEyes of Fuckwit University told Grumpy Fuckers:




“You think they’ve got everything because they’ve got the looks. But oh no. Far from it. We asked 100 good-looking people, including myself, whether they were happy. 86% of them said that they weren’t and of that 86%, 98% said that they were complete grumpy fuckers. The main reason that good-looking people find themselves grumpy as fuck is that they always think that they can be even betterer-looking than they already are. I asked one guy who was God’s gift to women why he wasn’t happy and he said that his hairy arse got him down. We asked one woman who looked like she’d just come off the catwalk why she wasn’t happy. And she said that one of her tits was ever so slightly bigger than the other. Take a look at me. I’m perfect but my breath smells like an arsehole. It’s these kind of things that make us grumpy.”

The Professor’s findings follow his recent discovery that intelligent people are also likely to be grumpy fuckers.

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It’s International Hug A Grumpy Fucker Day!

People all over the world are being urged to Hug a Grumpy Fucker in the world’s first International Hug A Grumpy Fucker Day.

The day is aimed at giving grumpy people some attention and cheering the fuckers up.

Organiser Clive Grimgrits told Grumpy Fuckers:




“I get to do fuck all every day so I thought I’d fill my time by making up another pointless ‘awareness’ day – but this time with a twist. I’d like everyone to join with me in actually hugging grumpy fuckers all over the world in an attempt to cheer them up. If that fails, I suggest using the classic phrase ‘Chin up’ or ‘It might never happen’. And if that doesn’t work, well quite frankly, they can fuck right off.”

Local legal firm TightArse and Feltcher have warned that some people could get themselves into trouble.

“If someone touches me without me asking them to, they’re getting a mouthful of fist,” said one spokesman.

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Will you be calling in sick on 5th October – International Fuck Work Day?

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That’s right! The day when we can finally tell work to go fuck itself is finally here.

Grumpy Fuckers all over the world will be calling work and telling their managers where they can stick their shitty jobs.

Campaign manager Clive Grimgrits, who runs Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop in Cardiff said:



“I’ve worked for some right arseholes in my time and all I ever wanted to do was tell them to go fuck themselves. I came up with the idea of International Fuck Work Day to allow people to express their true feelings for their jobs and work. Over 90% of the world’s population work under some kind of manager and 89% of those managers are arseholes. It’s a day when we can call in sick, crack open a few beers and not give a flying fuck about those shitty managers and those shitty jobs.”

One manager said:

“I’m expecting half my team to not turn up on Friday. It’s not that I’ve been an arsehole manager but the job is really shitty. I might be joining them actually.”

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Grumpy fucker told overly happy man ‘to fuck off’ before punching him

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A court has heard that a Grumpy Fucker told an overly happy man to ‘fuck off’ before proceeding to punch him in the bollocks.

Gerald Grizzle said that he acted in self-defence after the happy man became too fucking annoying.

Victim Tim Sparkles told police:



“I’m such a happy-go-lucky chap. The world is a beautiful place and I am sooooooooooooo happy to be alive. I was walking to my local restaurant when I bumped into Mr Grizzle who was half-asleep and walking down the road. Mr Grizzle grumbled under his breath and I told him to cheer up and that it might not happen. I told him that he should be happy to be alive. I did a little twirl on the spot and then sprinkled him with glitter. I leaned in to give him a hug but Mr Grizzle told me to fuck off and proceeded to punch me in the bollocks. It hurt. It hurt a lot. Since then, I’ve been a right miserable fucker. I can see his point now.”

Mr Grizzle is expected to say that he acted in self-defence. That’s if he can be arsed to turn up in court.

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People who post motivational bullshit can fuck right off

People who continually post bullshit so-called motivational posts can fuck right off, according to a new charity.

The Grumpy Fuckers Veterans Society said that those who spend days posting motivational bullshit never really achieve anything in life themselves.

A spokeswoman for the group said:




“I see it all the time on social media. These fuckers who are posting this shit are the ones who sit at home all day eating Cheetos. They’re not the ones who’ve been out there and achieved things. And when I’m in a really bad mood, I see shit like ‘You’ve Got This’ and ‘You Are Enough’. NO! I haven’t got fuck all and who am I not enough for? I’ve deleted all my friends on social media who post this shit and I’ve found that I’m left with one neighbour I never speak to and an old friend who I don’t speak to because he just wants to get in my knickers.”

A recent survey has found that people who post motivational bollocks are less likely to actually follow their own advice.

“People who post motivational bullshit can fuck right off,” said the spokeswoman before punching a dog in the face.

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Sarcasm replaces English language as official language of over-40s

Sarcasm has overtaken the English language to become the most popular language among over-40s.

The new figures show a correlation between an increasing general disappointment in life and increasing usage of sarcasm as a first language.

Professor Greypants of Noname University told Grumpy Fuckers:




“We have found a startling connection between increased age and the use of sarcasm as a first language. Essentially, what we’ve found is that the older you are, the more sarcastic you’re going to be. We think this is because when you set out in life, you have hopes and dreams and bags full of drive and determination. After a few decades of trying the same old shit and getting nowhere, you realise that is hasn’t worked. Fuckers internalise this and become bitter. They see members of the youth with their hopes and dreams and bags full of drive and determination and they realise that theirs has gone. That’s when they turn to sarcasm and that’s why we’re seeing these kind of numbers.”

The figures show that over 90% of over 40s use sarcasm as their first language.

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Grumpiness linked to higher intelligence

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Scientists have officially proved that intelligent people are the grumpiest fuckers on earth.

The study showed that those who have an IQ of 140 or more were the grumpiest fuckers known to mankind.

Professor CleverClogs who commissioned and carried out the study, told Grumpy Fuckers:




“We’ve all had an inkling that those with greater intelligence seem to be the ones who are the grumpiest. We think it’s because they realise what a shitfest this world really is. Those with less intelligence live in a sort of ignorant bubble where everything is lovely and delightful. Our study has shown that the cleverer the person, the more they realise that life sucks – and hence the grumpiness.”

One participant of the study said:

“I’m a Doctor of Human Psychology and I’ve spent many years studying humans and their relationship with each other and the world. Sadly, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s all a load of shit. This gets me down and makes me sad.”

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Woman thrown out of coffee shop after asking for decaf

A woman has been thrown out of a coffee shop after she asked for a decaf Americano.

Lisa Largethighs was thrown out of Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop early yesterday morning.

Shop manager Clive Grimgrits told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We get all kinds of arseholes coming in here and every single one of them is grumpy as fuck. The only way that they manage to get through the day is to drink shitloads of coffee. It’s the only thing they can do to get through the day. We were all in a grumpy mood yesterday when this posh tart comes waltzing in. First thing she said to me was ‘Good morning’ and I could tell straight away that she was too happy for comfort. I think at one point, she even smiled. Then she dropped the bombshell and asked for decaf. The shop fell silent. I asked her to repeat what she had just said and with a smile on her face, asked for decaf. Within seconds, she was outside on her arse. I wasn’t putting up with any of that shit.”

Largethighs said she usually asks for decaf as it makes her poop.

“I usually ask for decaf because it makes me poop,” she said.

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Cats silently tell owners to ‘go fuck themselves’ up to 50 times a day

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Scientists have discovered that cats secretly tell their owners to go fuck themselves – in some cases up to 50 times a day.

The boffins found that whereas dogs need constant attention, cats are quite happy for everyone to fuck off.

Professor Shinyshoes told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We have always considered cats as members of our family but in truth, they really don’t give a shit. They’re quite happy to take the food, warmth and treats that you give them but they feel no allegiance to you. Just because they live in your house doesn’t mean that they love you. We invented a very special piece of kit that reads cats’ minds and we discovered that cats are constantly telling their owners to fuck off. We had one cat that was constantly repeating the words ‘fuck you’ every few minutes or so. One owner was petting her cat so much that the cat had enough and went and shat in her slipper. These cats just don’t care and they don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves.”

One owner said:

“I don’t believe a word of it. My cat loves me and I know this because it brought me in a dead frog last night.”

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Woman divorces husband after he leaves traces of butter in the jam

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A woman has filed for divorce after 30 years of marriage after finding traces of butter in her jam.

Ethel Leathercrotch said she’d been putting up with that butter-in-the-jam shit for too long and she’d had enough.

Husband Terry told Grumpy Fuckers:

“She went absolutely apeshit. I’ve been making her toast and jam every morning for the last 30 years. It was only today after she’d come back from bingo that she fancied a slice of toast and decided to make it herself. Of course, she opened the jam pot and saw a sliver of butter in there. There was a momentary pause before she threw the pot of jam at my head and punched the dog in the face. She then flounced out of the front door and smashed up my car. That was the last I saw of her. A few days later, I had a letter from her solicitor asking for a divorce. I don’t know what to do with myself so I’m going carry on making toast and jam every morning in the the hope that one day, she’ll come back.”

Ethel said:

“He can fuck right off is he thinks I’m coming back. I’m moving to Greece to find myself a bronzed Adonis and I’m going to sit on his face all day. Bollocks to the toast and jam.”

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