Police are to be given new powers to taser people who use apostrophes incorrectly.
The Government says that it’s had enough of that shit and wants to clamp down immediately.
A spokesman for the Government said:
“We’ve had enough of this shit. Everywhere we go, we see apostrophes being used in the wrong context. It takes just a few minutes to learn the rules but people can’t be arsed. It’s a national disgrace. We have therefore passed new laws to allow our police services to taser the fuck out of anyone who uses an apostrophe incorrectly. If they still refuse to use them correctly, then we have instructed our policemen and women to beat them with a large stick. We’d like to think that this will send a very clear message to the cockwombles who still use their apostrophes incorrectly.”
One nervous shopkeeper said:
“I never know what to write on the blackboard in my greengrocers. Do I write carrots, carrot’s or carrots’? I’m so confused.”
Comedians all over the world are ready to crack their annual May the Fourth jokes.
The japesters are itching to point out that May 4th sounds like something that would have been said in a Star Wars film.
One comedian told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I do it every year. I am soooooo funny. I get so excited on May 3rd because I know that the next day, I’m able to catch all my friends out by saying May the Fourth Be With You. I’m hilaaaaaaaaaaaaarious! All my friends love me and they always like my posts when I mention it on social media. It’s like they forget that May 4th sounds like May The Force and I get them every time. My mum says that I should go on telly – I am THAT funny. I made someone laugh earlier when I asked someone what ET was short for. I told them that he’s an alien and that they don’t grow more than 3ft tall. Honestly, I’m mad I am. Really mad.”
Another comedian said that he was going to go into work and tell everyone that it is Star Wars Day and when they ask him why it’s Star Wars Day, he’ll say that it’s May 4th.
May 4th is often known as Star Wars Day because that’s the day that Star Wars was made.
A man has filed for divorce after she hung a Live Laugh Love sign at their home.
Charlie Bigbollocks said that it was the last straw after she’d also put up another sign that read ‘You’ve Got This’.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I’ve never heard such a load of shit in my life. I can’t live my life with these shitty stock phrases around my house and the fact that she expects me to laugh and love with it makes it all a joke. Only last week she put up a sign saying ‘You Are Enough’ but I’m nowhere near enough, despite what the sign says. Then we had the ‘You’ve Got This’ sign stuck on the wall, when I clearly don’t have this. And then to top it all off, we’ve got the old chestnut – Live Laugh Love sign going up. It really was the last straw for me. I went straight to my lawyer and demanded a divorce. And once we are divorced, I’m going to live in Peru on my own, where there hopefully no shitty signs around.”
Wife Wendy was left in tears:
“I like putting up these signs because it saves me posting the saying to Facebook every day. Please come back, Charlie!”
Charlie told local media that he wasn’t going back.
Image: DNI licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license.
A nightclub has banned comedy eyebrows after complaints by members of the public.
The Jurassic Park nightclub introduced the ban to stop some youngsters scaring the shit out of older guests.
Manager Mark Fatberg told Grumpy Fuckers:
“They are pretty scary to look at to be honest and they seem to have got worse over the last few years. We’ve had all sorts of eyebrows coming in here and causing trouble. Only last night, this girl turned up with her eyebrows and within minutes, she was fighting with the bouncers. It took 15 men to pin her down. She hadn’t even touched her cider. A lot of our older guests are complaining about their eyebrows and with that in mind, we decided to ban these comedy accessories. I’ve instructed my bouncers to send anyone with comedy eyebrows down to the pub down the road. We are not having it here.”
Drinker Kylie Thundergunt thought that the ban was unfair:
“I can’t do much about my figure but I can look after my eyebrows and if I can’t show them off down Jurassic, where can I show them off?”
Image: DNI licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license.
Gin coolers are to be installed in workplaces in an effort to make work more bearable.
A trial at an office in Cardiff saw productivity rise by 500%, with office workers laughing and singing their way through the day.
Office manager Mary Dangleberry told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We’re always looking at ways to make our workplaces a better place to be and the introduction of the gin cooler really worked a treat. By 10am, we were all laughing and singing and at lunchtime, we had karaoke on the desks. Admittedly, we were struggling to get to the end of the day by 5pm and and 6pm, we were dragging our sorry arses out the door. But all in all, it was well worth it. We noticed that we worked much harder, did things a lot quicker and there wasn’t too much in the way of vomit to clear up after.”
Office worker Theresa said:
“It was great. It really made all the lads in the office look half-fuckable, which was nice. I felt like a bag of shit the next day though.”
A new Government directive will give new powers to police to clamp down on people who are too happy in the mornings.
Police will soon be able to taser happy morning people straight in the face from next month.
A spokesman for the Police Federation told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We’ve all had enough of this happy-in-the-morning shit from arseholes who really haven’t lived. They come whistling into work as if they’re the happiest arseholes on the planets when most of us are struggling to even keep our eyes open. This new directive comes at a very timely moment and it will allow us to nip this kind of shit in the bud before they even get going. The directive is very clear that we can taser people straight in the face if they appear too happy first thing in the morning. We have officers who have been specially trained to get up at 6am ready for these shitheads. They’ve had it coming to them for years.”
Happy morning person Jim said:
“I can’t wait to get tasered in the face. I just LOVE mornings and getting tasered in the face. This is like the best thing that’s ever happened to me! Life is sssssssssssssoooooooooooooo good right now.”
Image: Lance Cpl. Trevon S. Peracca (labelled for reuse)
“What a shower of shit. We all know that this day is a cynical ploy to get people to spend money. It ain’t going to happen because life isn’t one big happy bunch of roses. Get real people – we live to work and anything we want to do that’s fun is either taxed or banned. Here at Grumpy Fucker’s Coffee Shop, we’ll be spending the day drinking shit coffee and moaning about how shit everything is. International Day of Happiness can fuck right off.”
Organisers of International Day of Happiness are hoping that everyone suddenly becomes happy because of their official day.
“They can stick it up their fat arses,” added Clive.
A woman has burnt 600 calories talking about her new diet.
Weightwatcher Gladys Thunderbuns said that the new diet replaces the old diet that she was doing last week.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“Last week’s diet was rubbish. I was on it three days and only lost half an ounce. This new diet is wonderful. It mainly involves me talking about it to the point where I burn off calories. Yesterday, I went into work and talked about it for seven hours non-stop. I checked my phone app and it told me that I’d burnt 600 calories – just from talking about it. Today, I’m going to talk about it even more because my work colleagues are so interested in it. I can tell that they are interested in it because they yawn a lot and one friend even threw his desk upside down to celebrate my calorie loss. I’m a new woman.”
Gladys’s boss, Jim said:
“If she talks about that fricking diet for one more minute, I’m firing the shit out of her. I don’t want to hear any more about it.”
Scientists have scientifically proven that dog farts can kill a small family.
The scientists collected a collection of dog farts and unleashed them in a small room. Paramedics managed to save the family just in time.
Professor Harry Bighead told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We all know the power of the dog fart but we wanted to see how potent they really were. We collected a load of dog farts and put them in a jar. Then we locked a small family in the room to see what happened. They got into trouble immediately and within three minutes, we had to open the door and send our medical staff in. They were close to death. I think we proved our point.”
An angry driver has managed to fit 34 curse words into one single sentence.
Karl Wetcleft came out with the record-breaking outburst when some fucker pulled out in front of him quickly and then drove very slowly.
Wetcleft told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I was driving down the fucking street like I normally fucking do when this fucking fucker just pulled out on me like he was in some massive fucking rush. I fucking swore at him good and proper but when the fucker started driving at 15mph, I lost my shit. I came out with curse words I never even knew existed. I went on for about a good two minutes and it was only when I ran out of breath that I realised I’d broken the world record. Luckily, the fucker who’d pulled out on me fucked off and I was allowed to continue on my fucking way. If he’d be in front of me for a fucking minute longer, he’d have had my fucking fist in his face.”
Wetcleft has been contacted by the World Record Association to collect his prize.
The 2019 Grumpy Fuckers Awareness week has been launched at a shitty coffee shop in Wales.
This year’s Grumpy Fuckers Awareness Week takes place from 6th-13th February, and will include several days of fuckers of moping around with a face like a slapped arse.
Organiser Clive Grimgrits, who also manages Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop in Cardiff, said:
“This affliction can happen to anyone, especially in this day and age. I went to a supermarket last night to pick up some coffee for the shop and on the way out, this old fucker just stopped walking and stood there in the doorway to check her receipt. She was blocking everyone who wanted to come in and out. I wasn’t in a particularly good mood anyway but this instantly turned me into a Grumpy Fucker. Of course, lots of other people are grumpy because they have to work with arseholes and dickheads. It’s those people we should feel sorry for and that’s what this week is all about.
“Awareness is important! Let’s get the message out there that it’s ok to be a Grumpy Fucker. You’ve got this! You are enough and other overused and dismissive clichés,” he added.
Grumpy Fucker Awareness Week will kick off with a shitty coffee morning at Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop. No other events have been planned as yet because organisers can’t be arsed.
Are you a Grumpy Fucker? Has life turned you from a bouncy, young, happy-go-lucky spring chicken to an old miserable fucking fucker? Ah well. Tough shit. That’s life for you.
A woman has been branded a psycho after actually using a set of drawers in a hotel.
Eileen Jibbergunt left items in the drawer that’s usually reserved for fuck all.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I thought I’d use the hotel drawers to put things in. They were there and I had things to put in them. I put my items in the drawer and took a picture, which I then put on my social media. Within minutes, all my friends had turned on me, calling me a psycho. Everyone went nuts. When I got home from holiday, all of my friends had moved away. I didn’t realise I’d been so bad.”
Husband Tony said:
“I’ve disowned her. The next wife I’m going to have is never going to use hotel drawers.”
A newly-married husband is divorcing his wife after discovering that his wife makes piss-poor cups of coffee.
Haydn Fatarse married his wife Glenys just two months ago. But after she handed him a mug of what he described as ‘elephant spunk’, Haydn called his solicitor and requested a divorce.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“It had never crossed my mind that she made shit coffee. As the alpha male of the house, I’m always the one making it. But we were watching TV last night and I couldn’t get up because I had the dog on my lap. Glenys asked me if I wanted a cuppa and although I was a bit uneasy about letting her do it, I thought she should give it a go. What she brought in was the biggest mug of piss I’d ever seen. I think she must have literally shown the coffee pod to the mug before putting it straight in the bin. I was crushed. I picked up the phone and called my solicitor straight away. Actually, that’s a lie. I waited for my show to finish and then I rang him.”
Heartbroken Glenys said:
“I’ve never made a cup of coffee in my life. I thought I was giving it my best shot but I’m clearly not good enough for him. I’m so ashamed.”
Haydn is now considering setting up a Coffee-Making Course for people who make piss-poor tea.
A pet dog has told Grumpy Fuckers that he’s convinced that he owns the street he lives on.
Rover the dog barks at any other animal or human that dares pass outside his house.
Rover told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I was born to own this street. This street is mine. Any other bastard comes past my house and I’m there, barking away like a bastard. My owners think that they own the house that we live in but I keep reminding them that the house actually belongs to the bank. Unlike them, I actually own this street. It’s mine. Everything belongs to me. The cars, the houses, the tarmac. It’s all mine.”
Rover’s owners said that their dog is deluded.
“He’s a pain in the arse to be honest. He snores and smells like shit.”
People who do stuff primarily with their left hands have been told to grow the fuck up.
It is estimated that 100% of left-handers only do so to piss other people off.
Arthur TwoPorches, President of the Right-Handed Hand Group, told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We’ve put up with these idiots for years. Going around, doing stuff with their left hands like as if that’s their naturally dominant hand. We all know that these left-handers are right-handers in disguise and we urge them to stop arsing around and grow up. We’re fed up with having to provide ambidextrous pens and pencils for them. Enough is enough. God made you a certain way and I’m pretty sure that he mentioned something in it when he wrote the Bible.”
Left-handed Gillian Gobshite said:
“I can’t help it. I do everything with my left-hand apart from pick my nose. No particular reason.
Police have been given new powers to taser people who whistle no tune in particular.
People who whistle nothing in particular have become one of the world’s most annoying fuckers.
A spokesman for the police force told Grumpy Fuckers:
“These people are the scum of the earth. They go about their day, whistling any old shit without a care in the world. It’s not as if they’re even whistling anything that we can recognise. We are therefore happy to announce that we will now be able to taser any fucker who continues to whistle. Personally, I can’t wait to beat the shit out of them. It’ll take a lot of stress out of my day and make me a lot happier.”
Police will start training on Monday at about 11.30am when they get out of bed.
A man has taken up wearing glasses so that people start taking him seriously.
Danny Dickwad was largely ignored until he donned a pair of spectacles. Now people listen to what he has to say.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I used to go into work and sit at my desk. All day long, I’d try and make an impact but everyone just ignored me. At meetings, I’d try and offer my opinion but others would look at me as if I was just shit on their shoe. Then I had the idea of wearing a pair of glasses. I put on a pair that I found in the Lost Property box and instantly people started asking for my expert opinion. I was put in charge of meetings and given a new desk and a PA. When I went for lunch, people looked to see what I was eating and ordered the same.
“Now I wear my glasses all the time so that people take me more seriously. I feel like Clark Kent but in reverse if that makes sense which it probably doesn’t because I’m still the same dopey fuckwit underneath this professional and intelligent looking exterior.”
Dickwad’s workmates said that they had a new-found respect for him.
“I used to think he was a prick but now I think he’s a four-eyed prick,” said one work colleague.
Nature boffins have discovered that woodpeckers only peck trees because they hate them.
One woodpecker told Grumpy Fuckers that he hated trees so much that he just ‘wanted to hammer the shit out of them.’
“I’m just an angry bird as it were. I fucking hate trees. They just stand around looking all pompous all the fucking time. Like as if they own the place. The only way I can make myself feel better is to stick my fat arse on the side of them and hammer the shit out of them.
Scientists say that woodpeckers are often born angry.
“In our experience, these woodpeckers are just jumped up little mother fuckers. The poor trees are the ones to take the brunt of their anger.”