Author Archives: Royston Butterscotch

Santa asking kids to leave out gin and donuts this year


Santa has reportedly been asking kids to leave out bottles of gin and boxes of donuts for him this year. Santa’s rough year means that he’d appreciate gin and donuts, rather than the traditional milk and mince pies this Christmas. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “I get fed up of the same old shit, year in […]

Man who invented the phrase ‘Good Morning’ found murdered

The man who invented the phrase ‘Good Morning’ has been found fatally murdered in his apartment. Cheery John Smiley coined the phrase back in 1952 as a way of making his employees feel valued as they arrived for work. He was found dead last night. A police spokeswoman told GrumpyFuckers: “He had it coming for […]

Woman spends day off work worrying about going back to work


A woman has spent her entire day off work worrying about going back to work. Sally Gumboots spent the entire day with a horrible pit-of-the-stomach feeling about going back to work the day after. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “Tuesday is normally my day off but it never feels like a day off because I spend […]

PROVEN: Resting bitch faces keep you looking young


Researchers at a very posh university have scientifically proven that people with resting bitch faces look younger. Their work proves that people who smile too much look wrinkly and that too much happiness can leave you looking haggard and miserable. Professor Brian CleverClogs who headed the study told Grumpy Fuckers: “Us clever people have suspected […]

People who whistle non-tunes can now legally be punched in the throat

People who whistle shit that doesn’t even resemble a song can now legally be punched in the throat. It means that people who appear happy in their jobs can be reminded that other people don’t want to listen to their shit. Police spokesman Danny LoveTruncheon told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve all heard it – some dickhead […]

96% of people tell their pets that they ‘won’t be long’ when they pop out

A recent survey has discovered that 96% of people tell their pets that they ‘won’t be long’ when they pop out. The survey also showed that 100% of cats didn’t give a shit how long their owners were going to be out. Dr Colin Underchafing told Grumpy Fuckers: “While we eat some animals, we also […]

REVEALED: 10 minutes of work makes you start using the word ‘fuck’ like a comma


A new survey has revealed that just 10 minutes of work can make people use the word ‘fuck’ as if they were commas. The research was completed by a team at the University of Grumpy Fucks. They wanted to know why people were using the word so frequently. Professor FuckFace who led the research, told […]

Will you be calling in sick on 17th October – International Fuck Work Day?


That’s right! The day when we can finally tell work to go fuck itself is finally here. Grumpy Fuckers all over the world will be calling work and telling their managers where they can stick their shitty jobs. Campaign manager Clive Grimgrits, who runs Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop in Cardiff said: “I’ve worked for some […]

Grumpiness linked to higher intelligence

Scientists have officially proved that intelligent people are the grumpiest fuckers on earth. The study showed that those who have an IQ of 140 or more were the grumpiest fuckers known to mankind. Professor CleverClogs who commissioned and carried out the study, told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve all had an inkling that those with greater intelligence […]

PROVEN: Coffee saves thousands of arrests every morning

Coffee saves thousands of people being arrested every morning, according to a recent survey. The survey, carried out by the University of Little Hope, published its findings yesterday. It also concluded that prison population was kept down by up to 50% thanks to the wonder drink. Professor Frank FourEyes, who led the survey, told Grumpy […]

Get ready for International Grumpy Fuckers Day 2021 – Monday 30th August


Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Monday 30th August. The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day. One grumpy fucker said: “Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day […]

Male version Alexa ‘doesn’t listen to a word you say’

A new ‘male’ version of Amazon’s virtual assistant Alexa has been met with poor reviews following complaints that the device doesn’t listen to a word anyone’s saying. Housewives across the country have been left frustrated with the device, commonly known as Alex, that only seems to light up and respond when there’s a mention of […]

Libraries move ‘Post Apocalyptic Fiction’ books to ‘Non-Fiction’ shelves


Libraries across the country have moved the entire contents of their Post Apocalyptic Fiction shelves to that of Non-Fiction. The reclassification follows a shitfest of a year that’s seen the world change as we know it. One head librarian told Grumpy Fuckers: “We always thought that the books in the Post Apocalyptic Fiction section were […]

Daredevil drinks orange juice after brushing teeth

A 32 year old daredevil has drunk a whole glass of orange juice after brushing his teeth. Gordon Wobblebottom sank the ice-cold glass of fruit juice after spending four minutes brushing his gnashers. His wife Wendy told Grumpy Fuckers: “Gordon’s always had a bit of a wild side to him and he’s often spoke about […]

Jehovah’s Witnesses call for ban on door-knocking Trick or Treaters


Jehovah’s Witnesses have called for a full and immediate ban on Trick or Treaters. They say that they don’t appreciate strangers knocking on their front doors and threatening them with fire and brimstone if they don’t conform to what they say. One Jehovah’s Witness said: “I was in bed the other day. It was my first […]

Husband divorces wife after discovering she irons their socks

A husband has filed for divorce after finding out that his wife has been ironing their socks. Eric Bigballs said that he would never have married his wife Natalie had he known she ironed the socks. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “Our socks were always immaculately crease-free and I don’t know why I ever noticed it. […]