Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Monday 30th August.
The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day.
One grumpy fucker said:
“Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day in my life. The first thing I do when I get up in the morning is moan to myself about how shit my life is. I then go downstairs and make myself a shit cup of coffee. I head off to work about 8am and then spend the day working with arseholes. After that, I come back home, make myself a shit dinner and go to bed. That’s it. That’s my life.”
Another fucker said:
“Meh. Just get out of my face, fucker.”
International Grumpy Fucker Day was first celebrated in 2007. It’s been celebrated every year since because that’s how often annual events are celebrated.
A new ‘male’ version of Amazon’s virtual assistant Alexa has been met with poor reviews following complaints that the device doesn’t listen to a word anyone’s saying.
Housewives across the country have been left frustrated with the device, commonly known as Alex, that only seems to light up and respond when there’s a mention of blow jobs.
One Alex user told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I bought one because I wanted a man around the house. I wanted him to just to listen to me but the more I spoke to him, the more he’d shut down and not respond. The more I spoke, the more he’d stop working. In the end, I mentioned the phrase ‘blow job’ and as soon as I’d said it, he lit up and started responding. If I need him to do anything, I just offer him sexual favours and he does what I want. I even asked it to clean my dishes and clear out my guttering and it did it all on the back of a promise of a cock suck.”
Managers at Amazon have asked owners to keep a record of any ongoing issues, and to let them know so that they can ignore them.
Libraries across the country have moved the entire contents of their Post Apocalyptic Fiction shelves to that of Non-Fiction.
The reclassification follows a shitfest of a year that’s seen the world change as we know it.
One head librarian told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We always thought that the books in the Post Apocalyptic Fiction section were always a bit too far-fetched but even we didn’t think that the world would go to shit as much as it has done. Having looked through our catalogue of books, we’ve decided that most, if not all, of the Post Apocalyptic Fiction books now belong in the non-fiction section. I’ve got Babs to shift all the books from the one lot of shelves to the other. She’s done fuck all all year so it’s the least she can do.”
Book stores are likely to follow suit when they reopen. If they reopen.
A woman has spent her entire day off work worrying about going back to work.
Sally Gumboots spent the entire day with a horrible pit-of-the-stomach feeling about going back to work the day after.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“Tuesday is normally my day off but it never feels like a day off because I spend the entire day worrying about the fact that I have to go back to work on the Wednesday. It’s doesn’t feel like a day off. I’d like to think that I can enjoy a day away from the assholes I have to work with but in truth, I just spend all my time off worrying about going back to work with all the assholes I work with. Even when I get two days off together, I’m counting down the days to go back to work so I never get to enjoy my time off. I’d like a job where I never actually have to go in, or do anything, or see or speak to anyone. That would be my ideal job.”
Sally’s boss Emma Tingletoes said that no one looks forward to Sally coming back to work either.
“She’s a right grumpy fucker,” said Emma. “All she does is moan about stuff. I might just sack her actually.”
A 32 year old daredevil has drunk a whole glass of orange juice after brushing his teeth.
Gordon Wobblebottom sank the ice-cold glass of fruit juice after spending four minutes brushing his gnashers.
His wife Wendy told Grumpy Fuckers:
“Gordon’s always had a bit of a wild side to him and he’s often spoke about drinking a glass of orange juice after brushing his teeth. We’ve been married for 7 years now and every morning when he brushes his pegs he’s mentioned it. What I wasn’t expecting was him to do it for real. He went into training for it back in February and late last night down at the local leisure centre, he did it.”
Gordon brushed his teeth in front of a small socially-distanced crowd before downing the orange juice.
One eyewitness said:
“I couldn’t watch so I’ve no idea if he did if for real. I expect he did though because he said that he did. Brave man.”
Jehovah’s Witnesses have called for a full and immediate ban on Trick or Treaters.
They say that they don’t appreciate strangers knocking on their front doors and threatening them with fire and brimstone if they don’t conform to what they say.
One Jehovah’s Witness said:
“I was in bed the other day. It was my first lie in for several weeks as I’ve been working extra hours. I was in such a deep sleep – it was just what my body was craving- and all of a sudden there was a knock on the door. I tried to ignore it but the knock came again. I dragged my sorry backside out of bed, down the stairs and opened the front door, only to be confronted by a group of total strangers, threatening me that if I didn’t conform to their way of thinking, that there’d be hell to pay. I told them that I wasn’t interested but they kept on and on until I had to shut the door in their faces which I don’t like doing as it’s very rude.”
One trick or treater said:
“Whatever mate. I’ll stick an egg right in your face.”
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A husband has filed for divorce after finding out that his wife has been ironing their socks.
Eric Bigballs said that he would never have married his wife Natalie had he known she ironed the socks.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“Our socks were always immaculately crease-free and I don’t know why I ever noticed it. I happened to come downstairs one morning and found her ironing the frigging things. I didn’t know where to look. The shame of it. I couldn’t look her in the eye. I went straight out and talked to my lawyer about it. I filed for divorce there and then. I’ll be moving out in the next day or so and I won’t be stepping back into that house. Hopefully, she can meet someone new and they can iron socks together. While listening to Kenny G or something.”
Wife Natalie says she couldn’t give a shit about her husband leaving her.
People with shit handwriting have been told that it’s possible that they have a higher-than-average IQ.
Boffins at a local university have told Grumpy Fuckers that people whose handwriting is shit are more likely to be clever.
Professor Timmy CleverClogs told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We’ve all seen those doctors’ prescriptions and I can’t read those for shit. We decided to do some digging into this and it appears that these people are so fucking clever that their brains wire out and causes them to write any old shit. Those with neat writing turned out to be proper dunces. They may be able to write neatly but they don’t half write some crap. If you’re writing’s all over the place, you can guarantee that you’re a clever bastard.”
Schoolteacher Simon BigHead said:
“I’m so clever that when I go to write, I find myself scribbling all over the page. I can’t help it. It’s just the way I am.”
Higher intelligence has also been linked to people having shit eyesight and needing to wear glasses.
2020 been a bit shit? Get planning a better year ahead with your Grumpy Fucker 2021 Year Planner. Available here
New Year’s Eve has been cancelled worldwide – because it’s shit.
The annual event traditionally sees millions of people wasting time and money on the big non-event. Authorities say that NYE will be cancelled for the foreseeable.
The local mayor told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I’ve been saying this shit for years – New Year’s Eve is a waste of everyone’s time. We all pay over the odds for a waste of time and then wake up the next day feeling even more shit. We’ve decided to cancel it nationwide to save people wasting their precious time. Everyone will thank us in the long run. All going well, we may even extend the ban to Christmas as well. Last year, my wife ran off with the local priest that I gave all my savings to so it’d be good to see that disappear too.”
A recent survey has shown that 87% of the world’s population is in a serious relationship with coffee.
Participants of the survey said that they’d rather have a serious relationship with coffee than a human being.
One coffee-lover told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I’ve found that I hate most people because they’re dickheads. I’d much rather have a relationship with a tall dark stranger that doesn’t answer back or let me down. I prefer to have a relationship with something that’s ready to give it to me first thing in the morning and at any point during the day – whenever I want it. I want something that smells good, tastes good and makes me feel alive – something that touches my very soul.”
Coffee was first invented by Keith Coffee in 1764, when he found some coffee beans lying on the floor in some jungle somewhere. He boiled some water in his kettle, put the beans in and invented the world’s first cup of coffee there and then. Since then, over 500 billion cups of coffee are sold every day.
The World Health Organisation has today announced that 4pm is the universal Wine O’Clock.
The organisation said that 4pm is now the most popular time to start getting shit-faced.
Lionel DeBlair, spokesman for the WHO, told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We’ve been collecting data from all over the world and after we’ve crunched all the figures, we’ve come to the conclusion that 4pm is the new Wine O’Clock. This marks a distinct shift from the usual 8pm, and reflects the nature of lockdown all over the world. I myself, usually start getting shit-faced just before 4pm. I have one cold beer, just to get me going, followed by two bottles of Gavi and if that still hasn’t done the job, I go to my emergency cupboard and open whatever’s there – that could include things like peach vodka or sherry from last Christmas. The WHO now recognises 4pm as the new Wine O’Clock and we will be confirming this in a letter to anyone who wants to read it. I’m off to get shit-faced now. Bye.”
World leaders will be forced to accept the new rulings, which comes as the world struggles with lockdowns in towns and cities across the world.
A woman has accidentally bought herself a new pair of shoes after leaning on her phone.
Thelma BendyLegs sat on her phone while watching a wildlife show on telly – and happened to accidentally input all of her 16 credit card numbers, her expiry date and her security number – all in the correct order.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“It’s the third time this has happened to me in a week. I feel awfully embarrassed. All I did was sit down to watch two rhinos shagging and before I knew it, my fat arse had managed to unlock my phone, enter all my card details and order a pair of shoes I’ve been dying to have. They were very expensive and it means I won’t be able to feed the kids for a week but I’m going to look a stunner when I goes down the club tonight.”
Husband Ken said:
“This keeps happening to her all the time. Last month, she sat down to watch Friends, sat on her phone and bought a new Ford. She really needs to put some sort of lock on her phone or at least take it out of her back pocket when she sits down.”
“That poor delivery man. He’s around her every day or so which is no bad thing as I like perving at his legs in his little Post Office shorts. Sigh.”
A man has sold his homing pigeons for the 47th time this year after the birds repeatedly returned home.
Every time Darryl Twosheds drops his pigeons off to the buyer, he returns to find the fuckers back home.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I bought these homing pigeons because nobody likes me and I thought I’d made some animal friends. Back in the early days, it was wonderful releasing them and letting them find their way home again. But then they started making extortionate demands and they were getting on my tits. In the end, I decided to sell the fuckers.
“I popped them on eBay and managed to sell them all within the first hour. I drove them 30 miles to drop them off but when I got home, there they were. This has happened 47 times now and I’m not happy about it. In fact, I’m going to write a strongly-worded letter of complaint to the local newspaper about it all.”
Darryl’s wife Susan said:
“My husband’s a dickhead and always has been. I can’t stand the sight of him. Would you like to buy him from me?”
A staggering 45% of the female population secretly use their boyfriend or husband’s beard trimmers to trim their muffters.
Researchers found that a further 76% fail to wash the trimmer before returning back to the bathroom cupboard.
Brian Bellend who conducted the survey, told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We are both shocked and amused that women do this kind of thing without telling their other half. Of all the women we spoke to, only one had a trimmer of her own. The rest either let things grow wild or used their fella’s beard trimmers. We were taken aback by the secrecy of it all. We are not sure about how many men are having their beard trimmers used but the figures suggest that it is quite high.”
One woman who didn’t want to be named said:
“I take my hubby’s trimmer and do everything from arsehole to breakfast time. He never notices. At least I don’t think so.”
A new T-shirt campaign has been launched to alert social distancing assholes to back the fuck off.
The new T-shirts tell the assholes to back away, reminding them to keep 6 feet away from the wearer.
Gilly Underfumble, who created the T-shirts told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I’m sick of walking down the street and coming across assholes who won’t move out of my way. I’ve made these T-shirts so that I don’t have to go repeating myself, telling these assholes to move the fuck out of the way. If they refuse to comply with my T-shirt, I have no other option than to punch them hard in their assholes faces. It’s as simple as that.”
The T-shirts have been trialed at several locations, with great success.
“Some people think it’s a joke at first but when they don’t move their fat asses out of the way, I let fly with fists of fury.”
Much of the world is currently exercising social distancing measures to slow the spread of C19.
A married couple who have been quarantined for the last 14 days have filed for divorce.
Henry and Daisy Dipshit have said that they never want to see each other again after their enforced quarantine.
Henry told Grumpy Fuckers:
“That was the hardest two weeks of my life. I never want to do that again. I’ve had some shit thrown at me in my life but Jesus, that virus has got a lot to answer for. It started off pretty well. I was quite surprised to find that she’d lost her job making Polaroid cameras. For the first few days, we got on ok. But then things got tricky. By the end of the 14 days, I was wishing that the virus would just take me.”
Wife Daisy was also less than flattering about her husband.
“The man’s an arsehole. I can’t believe I married the shit. The less I see of him, the better. I want to find myself a real man.”
“As women, we often hear this phrase and it’s often dished out by men who are either too short, too hairy, too bald or just stink of piss. Their belief is that they are offering some kind of constructive criticism but that’s not how it’s being received. Men think that the woman has to do all the hard work of losing weight to assuage the man’s desire to look at someone smaller. But we got a few of our experts around and we’ve decided that this is not the compliment that some men think it is.”
One woman said:
“One guy said this to me last night. I told him that if he was taller, had more hair on his head and less on his back, and if that he didn’t stink of piss, I might consider talking to him. He left shortly afterwards.”
A man has been imprisoned for 3 months for playing Christmas music in his car.
Police said that Graham Smoothballs was ‘playing a ridiculous Christmas CD in his car when it’s only November’.
PC Billy Twoporches told Grumpy Fuckers:
“Our boys were out on patrol when this dickhead drove past with his windows down, playing this awful Christmas shit on his CD player. We believe it was Johnny Mathis. Our brave boys leapt into action at once, pulling the offender over and dragging him out of his car by the testicles. After throwing him over the front of his car, our officers then tasered him for a laugh before taking him down the station to be beaten about the heat with a rubber hose. We took him to court where the judge didn’t even bother hearing from the defence and handed down a 3 month sentence to start immediately. Hopefully, by the time this son-of-a-bitch comes out of prison, Christmas will be well and truly over. We had also confiscated his CD. Oh. And his car.”
Graham’s wife Theresa said:
“I warned him and warned him about playing that Christmas shit so early. He’s brought it all upon himself and has no one to blame but himself.”
A 50-year-old man has avoided having emotional breakdowns throughout his life by not having any emotions.
Tony Bigballs said that having no emotions made life a lot easier for him.
“I see friends and they’re running around like lunatics all day. They’re tired, they’re stressy and worst of all, they’re emotional. They go through highs and lows and live every emotion deeply. But they get tired. They’re having breakdowns all over the place. Me? I’m as fresh as a daisy. How come? For starters, I don’t go doing emotions. They sap you of energy. They raise you up to knock you down. By steering clear of having any emotions, I’ve found that I can avoid having any emotional breakdowns like my loser friends do.”
Bigballs said he was ‘thrilled’ not to have experienced any emotional breakdowns over the last 50 years.
“By ‘thrilled’, I mean that I’m sort of ok with it all.”
Local police have been given emergency new powers to taser anyone who asks ‘All ready for Christmas?’
Thousands of people are expected to fall foul of the new law, which takes place with immediate effect.
PC Plod of the Police Force Federation told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We’ve been overwhelmed by the amount of people asking this question so we referred the matter to the Government. They boys and girls down there were pretty good at passing this act, which means that we can taser people on the spot should we hear them asking this bloody question. We had a woman last night who came into the station to report a break-in and while she was waiting to see someone, she asked one of our officers whether they were ready for Christmas. She was tasered, beaten about the head with a bottle of Fanta and placed in handcuffs. We have also sent out special undercover officers to infiltrate places of work.”
The new law also applies to people asking ‘What are you doing for Christmas?’
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