Author Archives: Royston Butterscotch

Will you be calling in sick on 17th October – International Fuck Work Day?

Jack-shit

That’s right! The day when we can finally tell work to go fuck itself is finally here. Grumpy Fuckers all over the world will be calling work and telling their managers where they can stick their shitty jobs. Campaign manager Clive Grimgrits, who runs Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop in Cardiff said: “I’ve worked for some […]

Grumpiness linked to higher intelligence

Scientists have officially proved that intelligent people are the grumpiest fuckers on earth. The study showed that those who have an IQ of 140 or more were the grumpiest fuckers known to mankind. Professor CleverClogs who commissioned and carried out the study, told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve all had an inkling that those with greater intelligence […]

PROVEN: Coffee saves thousands of arrests every morning

Coffee saves thousands of people being arrested every morning, according to a recent survey. The survey, carried out by the University of Little Hope, published its findings yesterday. It also concluded that prison population was kept down by up to 50% thanks to the wonder drink. Professor Frank FourEyes, who led the survey, told Grumpy […]

Get ready for International Grumpy Fuckers Day 2021 – Monday 30th August

Grumpy-Fucker-Day-2021

Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Monday 30th August. The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day. One grumpy fucker said: “Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day […]

Male version Alexa ‘doesn’t listen to a word you say’

A new ‘male’ version of Amazon’s virtual assistant Alexa has been met with poor reviews following complaints that the device doesn’t listen to a word anyone’s saying. Housewives across the country have been left frustrated with the device, commonly known as Alex, that only seems to light up and respond when there’s a mention of […]

Libraries move ‘Post Apocalyptic Fiction’ books to ‘Non-Fiction’ shelves

library

Libraries across the country have moved the entire contents of their Post Apocalyptic Fiction shelves to that of Non-Fiction. The reclassification follows a shitfest of a year that’s seen the world change as we know it. One head librarian told Grumpy Fuckers: “We always thought that the books in the Post Apocalyptic Fiction section were […]

Woman spends day off work worrying about going back to work

day-off

A woman has spent her entire day off work worrying about going back to work. Sally Gumboots spent the entire day with a horrible pit-of-the-stomach feeling about going back to work the day after. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “Tuesday is normally my day off but it never feels like a day off because I spend […]

Daredevil drinks orange juice after brushing teeth

A 32 year old daredevil has drunk a whole glass of orange juice after brushing his teeth. Gordon Wobblebottom sank the ice-cold glass of fruit juice after spending four minutes brushing his gnashers. His wife Wendy told Grumpy Fuckers: “Gordon’s always had a bit of a wild side to him and he’s often spoke about […]

Jehovah’s Witnesses call for ban on door-knocking Trick or Treaters

trickortreat

Jehovah’s Witnesses have called for a full and immediate ban on Trick or Treaters. They say that they don’t appreciate strangers knocking on their front doors and threatening them with fire and brimstone if they don’t conform to what they say. One Jehovah’s Witness said: “I was in bed the other day. It was my first […]

Husband divorces wife after discovering she irons their socks

A husband has filed for divorce after finding out that his wife has been ironing their socks. Eric Bigballs said that he would never have married his wife Natalie had he known she ironed the socks. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “Our socks were always immaculately crease-free and I don’t know why I ever noticed it. […]

Shit handwriting linked to higher intelligence

shit-handwriting

People with shit handwriting have been told that it’s possible that they have a higher-than-average IQ. Boffins at a local university have told Grumpy Fuckers that people whose handwriting is shit are more likely to be clever. Professor Timmy CleverClogs told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve all seen those doctors’ prescriptions and I can’t read those for […]

New Year’s Eve cancelled because it’s shit

New Year’s Eve has been cancelled worldwide – because it’s shit. The annual event traditionally sees millions of people wasting time and money on the big non-event. Authorities say that NYE will be cancelled for the foreseeable. The local mayor told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve been saying this shit for years – New Year’s Eve is […]

87% population in a ‘serious’ relationship with coffee

coffee

A recent survey has shown that 87% of the world’s population is in a serious relationship with coffee. Participants of the survey said that they’d rather have a serious relationship with coffee than a human being. One coffee-lover told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve found that I hate most people because they’re dickheads. I’d much rather have […]

WHO recognises 4pm as the new official Wine O’Clock

The World Health Organisation has today announced that 4pm is the universal Wine O’Clock. The organisation said that 4pm is now the most popular time to start getting shit-faced. Lionel DeBlair, spokesman for the WHO, told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve been collecting data from all over the world and after we’ve crunched all the figures, we’ve […]

Woman accidentally leans on phone, inputs 16 digit card number in the correct order and buys new shoes

A woman has accidentally bought herself a new pair of shoes after leaning on her phone. Thelma BendyLegs sat on her phone while watching a wildlife show on telly – and happened to accidentally input all of her 16 credit card numbers, her expiry date and her security number – all in the correct order. […]

45% women secretly use their fella’s beard trimmers to mow their lady gardens

A staggering 45% of the female population secretly use their boyfriend or husband’s beard trimmers to trim their muffters. Researchers found that a further 76% fail to wash the trimmer before returning back to the bathroom cupboard. Brian Bellend who conducted the survey, told Grumpy Fuckers: “We are both shocked and amused that women do […]