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New Year’s Eve cancelled because it’s shit

New Year’s Eve has been cancelled worldwide – because it’s shit.

The annual event traditionally sees millions of people wasting time and money on the big non-event. Authorities say that NYE will be cancelled for the foreseeable.

The local mayor told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I’ve been saying this shit for years – New Year’s Eve is a waste of everyone’s time. We all pay over the odds for a waste of time and then wake up the next day feeling even more shit. We’ve decided to cancel it nationwide to save people wasting their precious time. Everyone will thank us in the long run. All going well, we may even extend the ban to Christmas as well. Last year, my wife ran off with the local priest that I gave all my savings to so it’d be good to see that disappear too.”

One New Year’s Eve fan said:

“Oh well. I’m off to get shit-faced.”

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87% population in a ‘serious’ relationship with coffee

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A recent survey has shown that 87% of the world’s population is in a serious relationship with coffee.

Participants of the survey said that they’d rather have a serious relationship with coffee than a human being.

One coffee-lover told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I’ve found that I hate most people because they’re dickheads. I’d much rather have a relationship with a tall dark stranger that doesn’t answer back or let me down. I prefer to have a relationship with something that’s ready to give it to me first thing in the morning and at any point during the day – whenever I want it. I want something that smells good, tastes good and makes me feel alive – something that touches my very soul.”

Coffee was first invented by Keith Coffee in 1764, when he found some coffee beans lying on the floor in some jungle somewhere. He boiled some water in his kettle, put the beans in and invented the world’s first cup of coffee there and then. Since then, over 500 billion cups of coffee are sold every day.

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WHO recognises 4pm as the new official Wine O’Clock

The World Health Organisation has today announced that 4pm is the universal Wine O’Clock.

The organisation said that 4pm is now the most popular time to start getting shit-faced.

Lionel DeBlair, spokesman for the WHO, told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We’ve been collecting data from all over the world and after we’ve crunched all the figures, we’ve come to the conclusion that 4pm is the new Wine O’Clock. This marks a distinct shift from the usual 8pm, and reflects the nature of lockdown all over the world. I myself, usually start getting shit-faced just before 4pm. I have one cold beer, just to get me going, followed by two bottles of Gavi and if that still hasn’t done the job, I go to my emergency cupboard and open whatever’s there – that could include things like peach vodka or sherry from last Christmas. The WHO now recognises 4pm as the new Wine O’Clock and we will be confirming this in a letter to anyone who wants to read it. I’m off to get shit-faced now. Bye.”

World leaders will be forced to accept the new rulings, which comes as the world struggles with lockdowns in towns and cities across the world.

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Woman accidentally leans on phone, inputs 16 digit card number in the correct order and buys new shoes

A woman has accidentally bought herself a new pair of shoes after leaning on her phone.

Thelma BendyLegs sat on her phone while watching a wildlife show on telly – and happened to accidentally input all of her 16 credit card numbers, her expiry date and her security number – all in the correct order.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:

“It’s the third time this has happened to me in a week. I feel awfully embarrassed. All I did was sit down to watch two rhinos shagging and before I knew it, my fat arse had managed to unlock my phone, enter all my card details and order a pair of shoes I’ve been dying to have. They were very expensive and it means I won’t be able to feed the kids for a week but I’m going to look a stunner when I goes down the club tonight.”

Husband Ken said:

“This keeps happening to her all the time. Last month, she sat down to watch Friends, sat on her phone and bought a new Ford. She really needs to put some sort of lock on her phone or at least take it out of her back pocket when she sits down.”

Thelma added:

“That poor delivery man. He’s around her every day or so which is no bad thing as I like perving at his legs in his little Post Office shorts. Sigh.”

Wondering what to get dickhead for Christmas? Get them this week-to-week 2021 Grumpy Fucker Yrea Planner. Click here to get yours

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Man sells homing pigeons for 47th time this year

A man has sold his homing pigeons for the 47th time this year after the birds repeatedly returned home.

Every time Darryl Twosheds drops his pigeons off to the buyer, he returns home to find them back home.

He told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I bought these homing pigeons because nobody likes me and I thought I’d made some animal friends. Back in the early days, it was wonderful releasing them and letting them find their way home again. But then they started making extortionate demands and they were getting on my tits. In the end, I decided to sell the fuckers.

“I popped them on eBay and managed to sell them all within the first hour. I drove them 30 miles to drop them off but when I got home, there they were. This has happened 47 times now and I’m not happy about it. In fact, I’m going to write a strongly-worded letter of complaint to the local newspaper about it all.”

Darryl’s wife Susan said:

“My husband’s a dickhead and always has been. I can’t stand the sight of him. Would you like to buy him from me?”

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45% women secretly use their fella’s beard trimmers to mow their lady gardens

A staggering 45% of the female population secretly use their boyfriend or husband’s beard trimmers to trim their muffters.

Researchers found that a further 76% fail to wash the trimmer before returning back to the bathroom cupboard.

Brian Bellend who conducted the survey, told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We are both shocked and amused that women do this kind of thing without telling their other half. Of all the women we spoke to, only one had a trimmer of her own. The rest either let things grow wild or used their fella’s beard trimmers. We were taken aback by the secrecy of it all. We are not sure about how many men are having their beard trimmers used but the figures suggest that it is quite high.”

One woman who didn’t want to be named said:

“I take my hubby’s trimmer and do everything from arsehole to breakfast time. He never notices. At least I don’t think so.”

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New T-shirt campaign aims to tackle social distancing assholes

A new T-shirt campaign has been launched to alert social distancing assholes to back the fuck off.

The new T-shirts tell the assholes to back away, reminding them to keep 6 feet away from the wearer.

Gilly Underfumble, who created the T-shirts told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I’m sick of walking down the street and coming across assholes who won’t move out of my way. I’ve made these T-shirts so that I don’t have to go repeating myself, telling these assholes to move the fuck out of the way. If they refuse to comply with my T-shirt, I have no other option than to punch them hard in their assholes faces. It’s as simple as that.”

The T-shirts have been trialed at several locations, with great success.

“Some people think it’s a joke at first but when they don’t move their fat asses out of the way, I let fly with fists of fury.”

Much of the world is currently exercising social distancing measures to slow the spread of C19.

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Self-isolating couple file for divorce

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A married couple who have been quarantined for the last 14 days have filed for divorce.

Henry and Daisy Dipshit have said that they never want to see each other again after their enforced quarantine.

Henry told Grumpy Fuckers:

“That was the hardest two weeks of my life. I never want to do that again. I’ve had some shit thrown at me in my life but Jesus, that virus has got a lot to answer for. It started off pretty well. I was quite surprised to find that she’d lost her job making Polaroid cameras. For the first few days, we got on ok. But then things got tricky. By the end of the 14 days, I was wishing that the virus would just take me.”

Wife Daisy was also less than flattering about her husband.

“The man’s an arsehole. I can’t believe I married the shit. The less I see of him, the better. I want to find myself a real man.”

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‘If you lost weight, you’d be a stunner’ declared NOT a compliment

The phrase ‘If you lost weight, you’d be a stunner’ has been deemed NOT a compliment by a panel of experts.

The phrase is often proffered by over-confident men as a way of attempted seduction.

Panel expert Jody Strongthighs told Grumpy Fuckers:

“As women, we often hear this phrase and it’s often dished out by men who are either too short, too hairy, too bald or just stink of piss. Their belief is that they are offering some kind of constructive criticism but that’s not how it’s being received. Men think that the woman has to do all the hard work of losing weight to assuage the man’s desire to look at someone smaller. But we got a few of our experts around and we’ve decided that this is not the compliment that some men think it is.”

One woman said:

“One guy said this to me last night. I told him that if he was taller, had more hair on his head and less on his back, and if that he didn’t stink of piss, I might consider talking to him. He left shortly afterwards.”

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Man imprisoned for playing Christmas music in his car in November

A man has been imprisoned for 3 months for playing Christmas music in his car.

Police said that Graham Smoothballs was ‘playing a ridiculous Christmas CD in his car when it’s only November’.

PC Billy Twoporches told Grumpy Fuckers:

“Our boys were out on patrol when this dickhead drove past with his windows down, playing this awful Christmas shit on his CD player. We believe it was Johnny Mathis. Our brave boys leapt into action at once, pulling the offender over and dragging him out of his car by the testicles. After throwing him over the front of his car, our officers then tasered him for a laugh before taking him down the station to be beaten about the heat with a rubber hose. We took him to court where the judge didn’t even bother hearing from the defence and handed down a 3 month sentence to start immediately. Hopefully, by the time this son-of-a-bitch comes out of prison, Christmas will be well and truly over. We had also confiscated his CD. Oh. And his car.”

Graham’s wife Theresa said:

“I warned him and warned him about playing that Christmas shit so early. He’s brought it all upon himself and has no one to blame but himself.”

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Man avoids emotional breakdowns by not having any emotions

A 50-year-old man has avoided having emotional breakdowns throughout his life by not having any emotions.

Tony Bigballs said that having no emotions made life a lot easier for him.

He said:

“I see friends and they’re running around like lunatics all day. They’re tired, they’re stressy and worst of all, they’re emotional. They go through highs and lows and live every emotion deeply. But they get tired. They’re having breakdowns all over the place. Me? I’m as fresh as a daisy. How come? For starters, I don’t go doing emotions. They sap you of energy. They raise you up to knock you down. By steering clear of having any emotions, I’ve found that I can avoid having any emotional breakdowns like my loser friends do.”

Bigballs said he was ‘thrilled’ not to have experienced any emotional breakdowns over the last 50 years.

“By ‘thrilled’, I mean that I’m sort of ok with it all.”

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Police given new powers to taser next person to ask ‘All ready for Christmas?’

Local police have been given emergency new powers to taser anyone who asks ‘All ready for Christmas?’

Thousands of people are expected to fall foul of the new law, which takes place with immediate effect.

PC Plod of the Police Force Federation told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We’ve been overwhelmed by the amount of people asking this question so we referred the matter to the Government. They boys and girls down there were pretty good at passing this act, which means that we can taser people on the spot should we hear them asking this bloody question. We had a woman last night who came into the station to report a break-in and while she was waiting to see someone, she asked one of our officers whether they were ready for Christmas. She was tasered, beaten about the head with a bottle of Fanta and placed in handcuffs. We have also sent out special undercover officers to infiltrate places of work.”

The new law also applies to people asking ‘What are you doing for Christmas?’

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Happiness an ‘over-rated’ emotion

The emotion of happiness has been officially classified as ‘over-rated’.

Over 3,000 Grumpy Fuckers were questioned about happiness, and nearly 97% said it was over-rated.

One Grumpy Fucker said:

“I spent my whole life chasing happiness and it was only just as I’m nearing the end of my life that I’ve realised that I was never going to get it. I worked my arse off, day in, day out, to make other people happy, thinking that it would make me happy. It’s only now that I realise that happiness is so over-rated. I suggest that people spend the best part of their lives chasing other things instead – like getting laid.”

Happiness featured way down on the list of things that Grumpy Fuckers valued. Other emotions that were also over-rated included empathy, a sense of achievement and kindness.

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Inspirational memes cure 97% cases of depression

Inspirational memes posted by social media users cure up to 97% of cases of depression.

Social media users who post inspirational memes are often viewed as experts in curing mental health disorders.

One social media user told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I was down on my luck. I was really having a hard time of things and I couldn’t see a way out. Then I logged onto my social media account and saw something that one of my expert friends had posted. It was a picture of a sunset, saying that ‘I was enough’. I wasn’t exactly sure what or what I was enough for but thanks to my friend, I’m now completely cured of my depression. My life has completely turned around thanks to their inspirational quote. I feel like a new person. I now laugh in the face of depression and I skip to work every morning like a child. It’s been an amazing journey.”

The user who posted the inspiration quote said:

“I knew I could help.”

A recent study has shown that nearly all cases of depression can be totally cured by reading an inspirational meme.

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World Peace Day ruined by asshole with a lawnmower

World Peace Day has officially been ruined by an asshole with a lawnmower.

Local residents were woken at 7.30 this morning by Jimmy Dickface, who was mowing his lawn.

One resident told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I was resting in bed because I’d been up late last night sitting on my husband’s face. I thought I’d be able to get some sleep in the morning because it’s the weekend. But just after 7.30 this morning, Jimmy Dickface gets his lawnmower out and starts trimming his lawn. He’s had all fucking week to do it but he decides to do it when we’re all trying to get some sleep. He spent just 20 minutes mowing his lawn and then fucked off into town while the rest of us couldn’t get back to sleep. If I see Jimmy Dickface around, I’m going to punch him straight in the face. People like him should not be allowed to own a lawnmower and should be punched in the face instead.”

Jimmy’s wife explained his early morning antics:

“Jimmy shat the bed last night so rather than change the sheets, he fucked off and did the lawn instead as it was easier. He’s such a dickface.”

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Kids voted #1 reason why people drink

Children have been voted the #1 reason why people drink themselves into oblivion.

98% of piss-heads included in a recent survey, said that their kids were the main reason they drank themselves silly.

One participant said:

“I get up at 6.30am every day to get stuff ready for the little fuckers. I have to drag them out of bed because they don’t respond to me shouting up the stairs, I have to dress them, feed them and even tell them to take a shit because if I don’t, they won’t do it. After I get home from the school run, I sit down and have a bottle of brandy all to myself. Then I spend the day picking up all their shit in the house, ready for when they come back home from school, when they get it all back out again. I finally get them to bed about 10pm, after which, I open a bottle of vodka and drink that shit until I pass out. Then I’m up again at 6.30 the next day.”

Professor Ian Limpwrist, who conducted the survey said:

“It’s clear that children are the main reason why adults drink themselves into oblivion. If children were more grown-up, things would be a lot different around the world. As it is, they continue in their childish ways and we all have to put up with it.”

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University offers qualification in being a Grumpy Fucker

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A university in London is now offering people to be a fully qualified Grumpy Fucker.

The University of Farkin Larden will be offering the 3-year course from 2020.

Professor Henry Scrote told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We’ve often seen amateur Grumpy Fuckers around the world but we are now offering the chance to actually obtain some accreditation for it. So many people are so good at it and we just want to embrace that potential and turn it into something more tangible. Our course will offer students to study the psychology of being a Grumpy Fucker, and learn how to use it in day-to-day scenarios. We’re going to charge shitloads of money for it because we know that they course will be a sell-out and if possible, I’d like to sleep with all the good-looking birds who come on the course. Just don’t tell my wife that. Or print what I just said obvs.”

The course will only have room for 300 students, or 270 if some of them are fat fuckers.

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Arsehole sits through entire movie pointing out differences to the book

An arsehole has spent an entire movie pointing out the differences between the movie and the book.

Glen Shitface sat through the 2010 version of Alice in Wonderland and pointed out every single difference between that and Lewis Carroll’s book.

His wife Glenda said:

“I’m never going to watch a film with him again. The man is a dickhead. All I wanted to do was sit down and watch just one film of my choosing. And then my arsehole husband decides that he’s the literary master by pointing out all the differences. I really couldn’t give a shit. I just wanted to watch it and escape my shitty marriage for a few hours. I want a divorce. In fact, I’m going to sell him. Do you want to buy him? Name your price. He’s yours. Yes. You can have him for free. Just take him away. Please.”

Glen plans to spend the next week with his new girlfriend.

“I think I might take her to the cinema,” he said. “I hear that The Cat in the Hat is on and I’d like to see how it differs to the book.”

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Government set up National Cockwomble Register

The government is to set up a National Cockwomble register to allow authorities to keep track of their activities.

Registered cockwombles will be subject to a range of restrictions, including being allowed out in the daytime and night time.

A spokesman for the government told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We’ve been calling for this register for many years now. The number of cockwombles in this country has increased by nearly 1,000% and we are facing an epidemic. Anyone who is deemed to be cockwomble will be forced to sign onto the register, both to warn members of the public, and so that we can keep track of them on a daily basis. Should anyone contravene any of the restrictions placed upon them, and we’ll come down on them like a sack of shit. And heavy shit at that. Members of the public can report people being cockwombles via a new cockwomble hotline that we’re setting up.”

One woman, who has a cockwomble partner said:

“As soon as this becomes law, I’ll be phoning the hotline and getting my partner on that list. He is a complete and utter cockwomble and should be sent to live on Mars.”

Authorities are expecting a large number of cockwombles to be registered within the first few days.

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Email finds woman well

An email sent from a woman in Australia has found a woman well in the US.

Sheila Bilgepump sent an email to Cindy Leathercroth earlier this month. The email found Cindy well.

Sheila told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I always want my emails to find my customers well. For this very reason, I start my emails by writing the words ‘I hope this email finds you well’. In most cases, I’m never sure if my emails find anyone well because nobody likes me and don’t respond to me. However, I was delighted to hear back from Cindy, who told me that indeed, my email found her well. I’ve never been so happy in all my life. Cindy wrote back to me to tell me to stop spamming her but even so, it’s still nice to know that my email found her well in the first place.”

Cindy said she didn’t want to comment on the story to Grumpy Fuckers:

“I don’t want to comment on this story,” she commented.

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