Coffee scientifically proven to ease the pain of being awake

Scientists have conclusively proved that coffee eases the pain of being awake.

The study included plying coffee to over 1,000 grumpy fuckers over a three day period.

Professor Frankie Cleverclogs told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We studied this subject over many years and our results are particularly striking. We found over 1,000 grumpy fuckers on public transport on their way to work. We knew that these arseholes would be the perfect subjects. We then locked them in a room for three days to see what would happen. Of course, there were riots and all kinds of shit kicking off. After the third day, we told them that we were locking them in for another three days but this time, we plied them with as much coffee as they wanted. Things calmed down a lot and in some cases, some of our subjects even spoke to each other. We also noticed that our toilets were particularly busy when coffee was given to our subjects, leading us to conclude that coffee helps you shit. We will be publishing our findings when we can be arsed.”

Coffee has also recently been proven to reduce homicide rates across the world.

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