A man has taken up wearing glasses so that people start taking him seriously.
Danny Dickwad was largely ignored until he donned a pair of spectacles. Now people listen to what he has to say.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I used to go into work and sit at my desk. All day long, I’d try and make an impact but everyone just ignored me. At meetings, I’d try and offer my opinion but others would look at me as if I was just shit on their shoe. Then I had the idea of wearing a pair of glasses. I put on a pair that I found in the Lost Property box and instantly people started asking for my expert opinion. I was put in charge of meetings and given a new desk and a PA. When I went for lunch, people looked to see what I was eating and ordered the same.
“Now I wear my glasses all the time so that people take me more seriously. I feel like Clark Kent but in reverse if that makes sense which it probably doesn’t because I’m still the same dopey fuckwit underneath this professional and intelligent looking exterior.”
Dickwad’s workmates said that they had a new-found respect for him.
“I used to think he was a prick but now I think he’s a four-eyed prick,” said one work colleague.
Nature boffins have discovered that woodpeckers only peck trees because they hate them.
One woodpecker told Grumpy Fuckers that he hated trees so much that he just ‘wanted to hammer the shit out of them.’
“I’m just an angry bird as it were. I fucking hate trees. They just stand around looking all pompous all the fucking time. Like as if they own the place. The only way I can make myself feel better is to stick my fat arse on the side of them and hammer the shit out of them.
Scientists say that woodpeckers are often born angry.
“In our experience, these woodpeckers are just jumped up little mother fuckers. The poor trees are the ones to take the brunt of their anger.”
A recent survey has discovered that 96% of people tell their pets that they ‘won’t be long’ when they pop out.
The survey also showed that 100% of cats didn’t give a shit how long their owners were going to be out.
Dr Colin Underchafing told Grumpy Fuckers:
“While we eat some animals, we also like to keep some in our house and love them like family members. We wanted to look into how these people interact with their pets and we were surprised to learn that most people actually talk to their pets as if they are human. Our study found that most people felt a sense of guilt when leaving their pets and a staggering 96% of them told their pets that they wouldn’t be long when they headed out. In most cases, this was to make the owner feel better and in almost all cases, it was a very big lie.
“We spoke to the pets about this and while most dogs felt a sense of anxiety about being left alone, every single cat we spoke to said that they didn’t give a shit how long they were left alone for.”
One cat said:
“I hope they stay out all day. I can then shit in their slipper and invite all my mates around for a rave.”
A woman who couldn’t stop buying cushions has been freed from her home by the Fire Service.
Gaynor BonkEye has been buying cushions every day for nearly twenty years. Things came to a head over the weekend when she realised she couldn’t reach her front door.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I was a twenty-a-day girl. It all started off with my settee and once that was completely full, I needed some for my bed. Things just got out of hand. I was down at the cushion shop most days but when things really started getting out of hand, I turned to Very on the internet. The deliveryman had to start leaving them outside as I couldn’t open the front door for cushions. The place was looking lovely but things were getting out of control, especially when I couldn’t reach the kitchen to make myself some food.”
Husband Simon, who left home three years ago after being replaced by a pillow in the shape of a kitten, said:
“It was ridiculous. I’m not surprised she had to call the Fire Brigade out. The woman was ill in the head.”
Fire crews took two hours to free Gaynor from her home. One fireman told Grumpy Fuckers:
“It looked dead comfy in there. We counted over 150,000 cushions and soft furnishings in there. I took a few home for my missis.”
Scientists have conclusively proved that coffee eases the pain of being awake.
The study included plying coffee to over 1,000 grumpy fuckers over a three day period.
Professor Frankie Cleverclogs told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We studied this subject over many years and our results are particularly striking. We found over 1,000 grumpy fuckers on public transport on their way to work. We knew that these arseholes would be the perfect subjects. We then locked them in a room for three days to see what would happen. Of course, there were riots and all kinds of shit kicking off. After the third day, we told them that we were locking them in for another three days but this time, we plied them with as much coffee as they wanted. Things calmed down a lot and in some cases, some of our subjects even spoke to each other. We also noticed that our toilets were particularly busy when coffee was given to our subjects, leading us to conclude that coffee helps you shit. We will be publishing our findings when we can be arsed.”
Coffee has also recently been proven to reduce homicide rates across the world.
Cardiff’s first Psychic Festival has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
The festival was due to be held at Cardiff Bay in May but organisers are now considering postponing it until next year.
Mystic Maggie, the festival’s director told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We was hoping to have lots of mystic people here but sadly, that’s not going to happen now. Due to unforeseen circumstances, we’ve had to cancel the festival. Hopefully though, we’re going to hire a tent and do one next year. It’s such a shame as I’d bought several bags of sausage rolls from Iceland and now they’re all going to go waste. It’s such a shame.”
Critics have pointed out that there was no such festival planned in the first place, and that Grumpy Fuckers have just made it all up to squeeze in a cheap joke when they can’t think of anything else to write.
A lazy fucker has been forced to tilt his tube of Pringles after finding that his hands were too fat to fit into the container.
Jamie ‘Wibbly Wobbly’ Webly, 32, was eating his Pringles while watching a replay of the A-Team on telly.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I’ve been eating Pringles for many years now and I’ve never had this problem before. I usually eat about ten tubes a week. I was sat down watching The A-Team last night and to drown my sorrows, I thought I’d eat a tube of Sour Cream flavoured Pringles. I popped the lid off no problem but before long, I found myself actually having to tilt the tube so that the Pringles would come out. I blame my fat hands for the problem – I think I must have some thyroid problem or something so I’m going to see my doctor.”
Jamie has now taken to pouring his Pringles into a bowl to avoid the embarrassment of not getting his fat hands in the tube in front of friends and family.
Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Monday 28th January.
The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day.
One grumpy fucker said:
“Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day in my life. The first thing I do when I get up in the morning is moan to myself about how shit my life is. I then go downstairs and make myself a shit cup of coffee. I head off to work about 8am and then spend the day working with arseholes. After that, I come back home, make myself a shit dinner and go to bed. That’s it. That’s my life.”
Another fucker said:
“Meh. Just get out of my face, fucker.”
International Grumpy Fucker Day was first celebrated in 2007. It’s been celebrated every year since because that’s how often annual events are celebrated.
A woman has accidentally bought herself a new pair of shoes after leaning on her phone.
Thelma BendyLegs sat on her phone while watching Friends on telly – and happened to accidentally input all of her 16 credit card numbers, her expiry date and her security number – all in the correct order.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“It’s the third time this has happened to me in a week. I feel awfully embarrassed. All I did was sit down to watch Friends and before I knew it, my fat arse had managed to unlock my phone, enter all my card details and order a pair of shoes I’ve been dying to have. They were very expensive and it means I won’t be able to feed the kids for a week but I’m going to look a stunner when I goes down the club tonight.”
Husband Ken said:
“This keeps happening to her all the time. Last month, she sat down to watch Benny Hill, sat on her phone and bought a new Ford Focus. She really needs to put some sort of lock on her phone or at least take it out of her back pocket when she sits down.”
“That poor delivery man. He’s around her every day or so which is no bad thing as I like perving at his legs in his little Post Office shorts. Sigh.”
Scientists in the UK have proven that coffee makes people do stupid things faster and more energy.
Prof. Gordon Bumlick made the announcement at a hastily-arranged press conference in a hotel car park.
He told the waiting audience:
“We’ve done this quick kind of experiment and we’ve proven something that we think we all know. I can’t stay any longer as I’ve got so much I need to do today. I was up a sparrow’s fart to make sure I go here today but I’d been up all night at the dog kept wanting to go out the back garden for a shit. I’m exhausted. The only thing that got me through the hell of getting up was my coffee, which kind of makes my point. I was able to drive to work without ramming anyone off the road and a second cup of coffee has helped me put up with the dipshits that have arranged this conference. I need to go now because my boss is on my back about another project and if he’s not careful, I’m going to stab him in the eye with my posh pen. Thanks.”
Bumlick handed out copies of the report for audience members to read when they’ve got fuck all else to do.
Police have been given emergency new powers to shoot anyone who asks ‘All ready for Christmas?’
Thousands of people are expected to fall foul of the new law, which takes place with immediate effect.
PC Plod of the Police Force Federation told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We’ve been overwhelmed by the amount of people asking this question so we referred the matter to the local council. They boys and girls down there were pretty good at passing this act, which means that we can shoot people on the spot should we hear them asking this bloody question. We had a woman last night who came into the station to report a break-in and while she was waiting to see someone, she asked one of our officers whether they were ready for Christmas. She was shot, beaten about the head with a bottle of gin and placed in handcuffs. We have also sent out special undercover officers to infiltrate places of work.”
The new law also applies to people asking ‘What are you doing for Christmas?’
A 17 year old girl has vanished after using moisturiser that makes its users look 20 years younger.
Betty Bumflaps applied the moisturiser on Saturday and hasn’t been seen since.
A spokesman for the local police said:
“We’ve looked high and low for Betty but she seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth. She was last seen sticking this magic cream on her face that makes people look 20 years younger. Given her age, we now think that she looks something that resembles an egg. We’ve put out posters and all that kind of shit but I think it’ll be another 20 years or so before we see her again. To be honest, I don’t have the time to go looking for her. My in-tray is overflowing and I’m not getting paid any extra for speaking to you. If she turns up, she turns up.”
Queues have been forming all over the country as dickheads return the shit they bought on Black Friday.
Shops had been selling shit that they hadn’t been able to move all year on Black Friday.
One shop manager told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I’ve had these shitty Chinese TVs out the back and I haven’t been able to move them for months. I even tried giving them away with a free naked lady over the summer but people weren’t buying it. But then came along Black Friday and they went like shit off a shovel. My stockroom was empty. The only problem now is that everyone is coming back with them, wanting their money back. It’s a pisser.”
One shopper said:
“I bought this telly because it was on offer. When I got home, I realised that it was in fact, a pile of shit. Even my dog wouldn’t watch it. I’ve brought it back for a refund so that I can buy a real TV.”
Shops across the country have reported lengthy queues and record refunds.
Scientists have shown that dogs take at least 25 minutes to find the perfect place to shit.
Unlike humans, who just drop their guts at the nearest WC, dogs need a particular place to lay a cable.
Brian CleverClogs who headed up the investigation told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We’ve been studying these dogs over a period of several months and with our stopwatches, we figured that dogs take a tremendous amount of time looking for the perfect place to shit. We’ve no idea why this is the case. We just know that they take a very long time. In some cases, dogs go away as far from their owners as they can. This isn’t a privacy thing. They just want to piss the owners off as they then have to walk have a mile to pick the shit up. In one experiment we did, one dog decided to go to a neighbouring town for his shit. He caught the bus there and back.”
Dog owner Jimmy Bigballs said:
“I take my dog out for 25 minutes a day and every minutes of that walk is him looking for a place to shit.”
Santa has reportedly been asking kids to leave out bottles of gin and boxes of donuts for him this year.
Santa’s rough year means that he’d appreciate gin and donuts, rather than the traditional milk and mince pies this Christmas.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I get fed up of the same old shit, year in year out. This year, I want to have some fun so I’ve been asking the kids to leave out some gin and donuts for me. Christmas Eve will be so much more exciting knowing that I pissed off my head and stuffed full of cake. The kids have been very responsive so far and told me that they’ve leave out what I’ve asked for. I was going to be cheeky and ask for them to leave out some spliffs for me but I don’t want to push things too far. Maybe next year.”
One child said:
“I sat on Santa’s knee and reeled off what I wanted for Christmas. He then turned around and told me that I’d only get what I asked for if I left a bottle of gin and box of donuts out for him. I told him to leave it to me so I’m looking forward to getting all my presents this year.”
Motorists all over the world are bracing themselves for International Dickhead Driver Day.
Dickhead drivers all over the world will be tail-gating, cutting people up and pulling out in front of other people.
One motorist told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I can’t wait. I drive like a dickhead all the time and I can’t wait to be joined by all the other dickhead drivers in the world. I’m going to get up nice and early so that I can make the most of it. I’ve been testing out my horn so that I can toot to people for no reason, I’ve taken off all the mirrors attached to the car so that I’ve no idea who’s around me and I’ll also be wearing heavy shoes so that I can press the fast pedal really well. I do hope that everyone comes out to join us because we love being dickhead drivers.”
Another motorist said:
“Ah shit. That’s the last thing we need is a load more dickheads on the road. I think I’ll just stay in bed and play with myself instead.”
A university has finally proven that women don’t fart – they shoot tiny puffs of glitter that sound like unicorn’s laughter and smell like rainbows.
Women’s farts have been the subject of debate since Shirley Bassey accidentally let one rip during a live performance at the Royal Variety Show.
Spokesperson for Farting Women told Grumpy Fuckers:
“Women have been given a rough time over the last 200 years. We all fart but women were always accused of floating air biscuits that smelt of sulphur. It’s good to know that it’s been scientifically proven that women’s farts smell like rainbows. Makes me feel better about pumping one out in front of the telly anyway.”
But husbands have hit back, saying that women are just taking the credit for their own handiwork.
Bruce Stud said:
“My guffs smell of roses. And my wife takes credit for them! What the eff is going on in this world? I should be on Britain’s Got Talent!”
A woman has told Grumpy Fuckers that she felt ‘gutted’ when she recently discovered that a Facebook notification was nothing more than a Candy Crush request from an irrelevant person.
Sandy WideFace received the Facebook notification overnight. She clicked on it as soon as she woke up, thinking that someone had commented on a photo of her new hair that she had posted before going to sleep.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I posted a photo of my new hairdo before I went to sleep because I thought that that would give my friends 7 or 8 hours to comment on how nice it looks. As expected, I woke up this morning to find that I had a notification and so I clicked on it. You can imagine my devastation when it said that I had only received an invitation to play Candy Crush from someone on my Facebook that I really don’t know that well. I’ll be spending the rest of the day sulking like a bitch now. I really don’t know what’s wrong with people – they’re supposed to be my friends.”
The Candy Crush invitation came from Dave FourEyes, who Sandy added to her Facebook friends three years ago because he commented on one of her friends’ photos.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I didn’t do it personally. Candy Crush does it automatically so I’m sorry if I come across as a pain in the arse. Now if you excuse me, I have a game of Candy Crush to get on with so please leave me alone. Thanks.”
A new camouflage clothing shop that has opened has gone unnoticed by local shoppers.
‘Now U See Us, Now U Don’t’ opened its doors two months ago but is yet to receive its first customer.
Manager Michael Sneak told Grumpy Fuckers:
“It’s pretty gutting that we’ve had no one come in yet. We’ve got loads of camouflage gear here at great prices. If we don’t start selling stuff soon, I’m going to have to go back to my shit job at British Gas and I don’t really want to have to do that as I left under a cloud.”
The new shop sells all sorts of camouflage gear. But local shoppers have had trouble finding it. Ben DingDong said:
“I’d love to go and see it but I can’t find the farking thing. I’ll go to Iceland instead. They’ve got crispy pancakes on offer.”