Scientists have conclusively proved that coffee eases the pain of being awake.
The study included plying coffee to over 1,000 grumpy fuckers over a three day period.
Professor Frankie Cleverclogs told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We studied this subject over many years and our results are particularly striking. We found over 1,000 grumpy fuckers on public transport on their way to work. We knew that these arseholes would be the perfect subjects. We then locked them in a room for three days to see what would happen. Of course, there were riots and all kinds of shit kicking off. After the third day, we told them that we were locking them in for another three days but this time, we plied them with as much coffee as they wanted. Things calmed down a lot and in some cases, some of our subjects even spoke to each other. We also noticed that our toilets were particularly busy when coffee was given to our subjects, leading us to conclude that coffee helps you shit. We will be publishing our findings when we can be arsed.”
Coffee has also recently been proven to reduce homicide rates across the world.
Cardiff’s first Psychic Festival has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
The festival was due to be held at Cardiff Bay in May but organisers are now considering postponing it until next year.
Mystic Maggie, the festival’s director told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We was hoping to have lots of mystic people here but sadly, that’s not going to happen now. Due to unforeseen circumstances, we’ve had to cancel the festival. Hopefully though, we’re going to hire a tent and do one next year. It’s such a shame as I’d bought several bags of sausage rolls from Iceland and now they’re all going to go waste. It’s such a shame.”
Critics have pointed out that there was no such festival planned in the first place, and that Grumpy Fuckers have just made it all up to squeeze in a cheap joke when they can’t think of anything else to write.
A lazy fucker has been forced to tilt his tube of Pringles after finding that his hands were too fat to fit into the container.
Jamie ‘Wibbly Wobbly’ Webly, 32, was eating his Pringles while watching a replay of the A-Team on telly.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I’ve been eating Pringles for many years now and I’ve never had this problem before. I usually eat about ten tubes a week. I was sat down watching The A-Team last night and to drown my sorrows, I thought I’d eat a tube of Sour Cream flavoured Pringles. I popped the lid off no problem but before long, I found myself actually having to tilt the tube so that the Pringles would come out. I blame my fat hands for the problem – I think I must have some thyroid problem or something so I’m going to see my doctor.”
Jamie has now taken to pouring his Pringles into a bowl to avoid the embarrassment of not getting his fat hands in the tube in front of friends and family.
Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Monday 28th January.
The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day.
One grumpy fucker said:
“Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day in my life. The first thing I do when I get up in the morning is moan to myself about how shit my life is. I then go downstairs and make myself a shit cup of coffee. I head off to work about 8am and then spend the day working with arseholes. After that, I come back home, make myself a shit dinner and go to bed. That’s it. That’s my life.”
Another fucker said:
“Meh. Just get out of my face, fucker.”
International Grumpy Fucker Day was first celebrated in 2007. It’s been celebrated every year since because that’s how often annual events are celebrated.
A woman has accidentally bought herself a new pair of shoes after leaning on her phone.
Thelma BendyLegs sat on her phone while watching Friends on telly – and happened to accidentally input all of her 16 credit card numbers, her expiry date and her security number – all in the correct order.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“It’s the third time this has happened to me in a week. I feel awfully embarrassed. All I did was sit down to watch Friends and before I knew it, my fat arse had managed to unlock my phone, enter all my card details and order a pair of shoes I’ve been dying to have. They were very expensive and it means I won’t be able to feed the kids for a week but I’m going to look a stunner when I goes down the club tonight.”
Husband Ken said:
“This keeps happening to her all the time. Last month, she sat down to watch Benny Hill, sat on her phone and bought a new Ford Focus. She really needs to put some sort of lock on her phone or at least take it out of her back pocket when she sits down.”
“That poor delivery man. He’s around her every day or so which is no bad thing as I like perving at his legs in his little Post Office shorts. Sigh.”
Scientists in the UK have proven that coffee makes people do stupid things faster and more energy.
Prof. Gordon Bumlick made the announcement at a hastily-arranged press conference in a hotel car park.
He told the waiting audience:
“We’ve done this quick kind of experiment and we’ve proven something that we think we all know. I can’t stay any longer as I’ve got so much I need to do today. I was up a sparrow’s fart to make sure I go here today but I’d been up all night at the dog kept wanting to go out the back garden for a shit. I’m exhausted. The only thing that got me through the hell of getting up was my coffee, which kind of makes my point. I was able to drive to work without ramming anyone off the road and a second cup of coffee has helped me put up with the dipshits that have arranged this conference. I need to go now because my boss is on my back about another project and if he’s not careful, I’m going to stab him in the eye with my posh pen. Thanks.”
Bumlick handed out copies of the report for audience members to read when they’ve got fuck all else to do.
Police have been given emergency new powers to shoot anyone who asks ‘All ready for Christmas?’
Thousands of people are expected to fall foul of the new law, which takes place with immediate effect.
PC Plod of the Police Force Federation told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We’ve been overwhelmed by the amount of people asking this question so we referred the matter to the local council. They boys and girls down there were pretty good at passing this act, which means that we can shoot people on the spot should we hear them asking this bloody question. We had a woman last night who came into the station to report a break-in and while she was waiting to see someone, she asked one of our officers whether they were ready for Christmas. She was shot, beaten about the head with a bottle of gin and placed in handcuffs. We have also sent out special undercover officers to infiltrate places of work.”
The new law also applies to people asking ‘What are you doing for Christmas?’
A 17 year old girl has vanished after using moisturiser that makes its users look 20 years younger.
Betty Bumflaps applied the moisturiser on Saturday and hasn’t been seen since.
A spokesman for the local police said:
“We’ve looked high and low for Betty but she seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth. She was last seen sticking this magic cream on her face that makes people look 20 years younger. Given her age, we now think that she looks something that resembles an egg. We’ve put out posters and all that kind of shit but I think it’ll be another 20 years or so before we see her again. To be honest, I don’t have the time to go looking for her. My in-tray is overflowing and I’m not getting paid any extra for speaking to you. If she turns up, she turns up.”
Queues have been forming all over the country as dickheads return the shit they bought on Black Friday.
Shops had been selling shit that they hadn’t been able to move all year on Black Friday.
One shop manager told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I’ve had these shitty Chinese TVs out the back and I haven’t been able to move them for months. I even tried giving them away with a free naked lady over the summer but people weren’t buying it. But then came along Black Friday and they went like shit off a shovel. My stockroom was empty. The only problem now is that everyone is coming back with them, wanting their money back. It’s a pisser.”
One shopper said:
“I bought this telly because it was on offer. When I got home, I realised that it was in fact, a pile of shit. Even my dog wouldn’t watch it. I’ve brought it back for a refund so that I can buy a real TV.”
Shops across the country have reported lengthy queues and record refunds.
Scientists have shown that dogs take at least 25 minutes to find the perfect place to shit.
Unlike humans, who just drop their guts at the nearest WC, dogs need a particular place to lay a cable.
Brian CleverClogs who headed up the investigation told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We’ve been studying these dogs over a period of several months and with our stopwatches, we figured that dogs take a tremendous amount of time looking for the perfect place to shit. We’ve no idea why this is the case. We just know that they take a very long time. In some cases, dogs go away as far from their owners as they can. This isn’t a privacy thing. They just want to piss the owners off as they then have to walk have a mile to pick the shit up. In one experiment we did, one dog decided to go to a neighbouring town for his shit. He caught the bus there and back.”
Dog owner Jimmy Bigballs said:
“I take my dog out for 25 minutes a day and every minutes of that walk is him looking for a place to shit.”
Santa has reportedly been asking kids to leave out bottles of gin and boxes of donuts for him this year.
Santa’s rough year means that he’d appreciate gin and donuts, rather than the traditional milk and mince pies this Christmas.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I get fed up of the same old shit, year in year out. This year, I want to have some fun so I’ve been asking the kids to leave out some gin and donuts for me. Christmas Eve will be so much more exciting knowing that I pissed off my head and stuffed full of cake. The kids have been very responsive so far and told me that they’ve leave out what I’ve asked for. I was going to be cheeky and ask for them to leave out some spliffs for me but I don’t want to push things too far. Maybe next year.”
One child said:
“I sat on Santa’s knee and reeled off what I wanted for Christmas. He then turned around and told me that I’d only get what I asked for if I left a bottle of gin and box of donuts out for him. I told him to leave it to me so I’m looking forward to getting all my presents this year.”
Motorists all over the world are bracing themselves for International Dickhead Driver Day.
Dickhead drivers all over the world will be tail-gating, cutting people up and pulling out in front of other people.
One motorist told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I can’t wait. I drive like a dickhead all the time and I can’t wait to be joined by all the other dickhead drivers in the world. I’m going to get up nice and early so that I can make the most of it. I’ve been testing out my horn so that I can toot to people for no reason, I’ve taken off all the mirrors attached to the car so that I’ve no idea who’s around me and I’ll also be wearing heavy shoes so that I can press the fast pedal really well. I do hope that everyone comes out to join us because we love being dickhead drivers.”
Another motorist said:
“Ah shit. That’s the last thing we need is a load more dickheads on the road. I think I’ll just stay in bed and play with myself instead.”
A university has finally proven that women don’t fart – they shoot tiny puffs of glitter that sound like unicorn’s laughter and smell like rainbows.
Women’s farts have been the subject of debate since Shirley Bassey accidentally let one rip during a live performance at the Royal Variety Show.
Spokesperson for Farting Women told Grumpy Fuckers:
“Women have been given a rough time over the last 200 years. We all fart but women were always accused of floating air biscuits that smelt of sulphur. It’s good to know that it’s been scientifically proven that women’s farts smell like rainbows. Makes me feel better about pumping one out in front of the telly anyway.”
But husbands have hit back, saying that women are just taking the credit for their own handiwork.
Bruce Stud said:
“My guffs smell of roses. And my wife takes credit for them! What the eff is going on in this world? I should be on Britain’s Got Talent!”
A woman has told Grumpy Fuckers that she felt ‘gutted’ when she recently discovered that a Facebook notification was nothing more than a Candy Crush request from an irrelevant person.
Sandy WideFace received the Facebook notification overnight. She clicked on it as soon as she woke up, thinking that someone had commented on a photo of her new hair that she had posted before going to sleep.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I posted a photo of my new hairdo before I went to sleep because I thought that that would give my friends 7 or 8 hours to comment on how nice it looks. As expected, I woke up this morning to find that I had a notification and so I clicked on it. You can imagine my devastation when it said that I had only received an invitation to play Candy Crush from someone on my Facebook that I really don’t know that well. I’ll be spending the rest of the day sulking like a bitch now. I really don’t know what’s wrong with people – they’re supposed to be my friends.”
The Candy Crush invitation came from Dave FourEyes, who Sandy added to her Facebook friends three years ago because he commented on one of her friends’ photos.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I didn’t do it personally. Candy Crush does it automatically so I’m sorry if I come across as a pain in the arse. Now if you excuse me, I have a game of Candy Crush to get on with so please leave me alone. Thanks.”
A new camouflage clothing shop that has opened has gone unnoticed by local shoppers.
‘Now U See Us, Now U Don’t’ opened its doors two months ago but is yet to receive its first customer.
Manager Michael Sneak told Grumpy Fuckers:
“It’s pretty gutting that we’ve had no one come in yet. We’ve got loads of camouflage gear here at great prices. If we don’t start selling stuff soon, I’m going to have to go back to my shit job at British Gas and I don’t really want to have to do that as I left under a cloud.”
The new shop sells all sorts of camouflage gear. But local shoppers have had trouble finding it. Ben DingDong said:
“I’d love to go and see it but I can’t find the farking thing. I’ll go to Iceland instead. They’ve got crispy pancakes on offer.”
A porn film has been banned for portraying plumbers as people who turn up on time.
The film, which features Dennis ‘ThunderRod’ Muggins as The Plumber, was made in 2010 by the now defunct Welsh porn company, Tits and Sheep. But the UK government has taken the unprecedented step of banning the film, as it features a scene where the plumber turns up at a woman’s house when he said he would.
Government spokeswoman Glenda Pencilskirt told Grumpy Fuckers:
“In this day and age, when young people are so susceptible to things they see on telly, we thought it right and proper to remove this film from the public domain. We can’t let our children see this kind of thing, letting them grow up thinking that a plumber will turn up when he says he will. The days I’ve sat in waiting for the arsehole to turn up. It’s just not on. We need to think of the children.”
But critics have pointed out that the film will now go underground. Welsh porn fan Dave StrongArm said:
“It’ll go underground now without a doubt. Gang wars will pop up as they try to ship illicit copies of the film and the government will see that it’s a short-sighted solution. I personally like the bit where Debbie gets spit-roasted. It reminds me of a Scout fete I went to once.”
Rescue workers have recovered 643 bodies after a 2-seater plane crashed into a cemetery.
The Cessna aircraft hit a Chinese lantern and crashed. Rescue workers cordoned off the cemetery where the plane came down and are still recovering bodies.
Rescue worker Glynne ThickHead said:
“I was eating my tea when I heard the crash. We came up here and feared the worst. Me and my mates went down to Homebase to buy some of that yellow tape and then we went up and cordoned off the area. The plane was in bits. It’s taken us a few hours but we’ve so far pulled up 643 bodies and sent them to hospital for identification. I’m off home in a minute, if you can just mind the area.”
Locals say that the digging is disrupting their TV viewing. Carl Goggins said:
“I’ve been trying to watch my Game Of Thrones box set but this digging is doing my nut in. Why can’t planes stay clear of our area? It’s just not on.”
Police are to be given new powers to beat the shit out of motorists who don’t indicate.
The Government announced the new measures to cut down on the amount of arseholes who think that every other motorist knows where they are intending to go.
Government spokeswoman Tina Tightarse told Grumpy Fuckers:
“They’ve facking dickheads. They fly around roundabouts without giving a shit and then pull over at the last minute so we have to slam on our brakes. Indicators are there for a reason and if they’re not going to use them, they’ll feel the full weight of the law coming down on them.”
Police chief PC Plod said that his force looked forward to implementing the new rules.
“We can’t wait. Me and the boys have ordered some new extra hard truncheons off Amazon and we look forward to beating the shit out of people who don’t indicate.”
Critics have pointed out that the new rule is excessive. Motorist Claire GoggleEyes told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I never indicate. I like people to second guess where I’m going. I love it, especially when I pull over to go to the Co-op and wait until the last possible minute to pull over without indicating. I love looking in the mirror and seeing the irate driver’s face behind me.”
Men are set to get free evening classes so they can learn how to put things back where they belong after they’ve used them.
The Government has announced the measures for men who struggle to put things back and then get stressed when they can’t find them the next time they need them, leading to endless domestic disputes.
Government spokesman Brian Boring told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We often get girls in here moaning that their fella hasn’t put a certain item back where it belongs in their house. It could be the measuring tape, it could be a set of keys. We’re finding that more and more lads are using things and then not putting them back where they belong.”
The classes will include:
• Understanding why things need to go back to where you picked them up from
• Learning how to put things back in the place that they belong
• Why making excuses for not finding items around the house is fruitless
It is hoped that the classes will bring about a more organised society in Wales and also bring down the percentage of domestic arguments.
A band is following in the footsteps of Band Aid 30 by releasing a shit single and telling people to buy it ‘because it’s a charity single’.
Acres of Doom have released a song that their lead singer Freddy Twmpath wrote when he was on the toilet. They hope to raise £50 for a local charity that looks to rehome lost rabbits.
Twmpath told Grumpy Fuckers:
“The song is really, really shit. But we dragged the school choir in here to tart it up a little. We don’t really care what it sounds like to be honest but you do need to buy it because it’s for a good cause. Them poor rabbits – they all need a loving home you know.”
But critics have pointed out that releasing a single could have been avoided. Neighbour Jim LargeArse told Grumpy Fuckers:
“The fakking noise that was coming from their bedroom was shocking. Why couldn’t they raise money by doing something crazy like sitting in a bath full of baked beans. They do it on Children in Need – why not here?”
The single will be available from all good retailers and some crap ones.