A new Government directive will give new powers to police to clamp down on people who are too happy in the mornings. Police will soon be able to taser happy morning people straight in the face from next month. A spokesman for the Police Federation told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve all had enough of this happy-in-the-morning […]
Grumpy Fuckers all over the world are staging protests at today’s International Day of Happiness. Some grumpy fuckers are refusing to get out of bed while others are moping around with faces like slapped arses in protest of the day. Clive Grimgrits, who runs Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop said: “What a shower of shit. We […]
A woman has burnt 600 calories talking about her new diet. Weightwatcher Gladys Thunderbuns said that the new diet replaces the old diet that she was doing last week. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “Last week’s diet was rubbish. I was on it three days and only lost half an ounce. This new diet is wonderful. […]
Scientists have scientifically proven that dog farts can kill a small family. The scientists collected a collection of dog farts and unleashed them in a small room. Paramedics managed to save the family just in time. Professor Harry Bighead told Grumpy Fuckers: “We all know the power of the dog fart but we wanted to […]
An angry driver has managed to fit 34 curse words into one single sentence. Karl Wetcleft came out with the record-breaking outburst when some fucker pulled out in front of him quickly and then drove very slowly. Wetcleft told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was driving down the fucking street like I normally fucking do when this […]
The 2019 Grumpy Fuckers Awareness week has been launched at a shitty coffee shop in Wales. This year’s Grumpy Fuckers Awareness Week takes place from 6th-13th February, and will include several days of fuckers of moping around with a face like a slapped arse. Organiser Clive Grimgrits, who also manages Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop in […]
A woman has been branded a psycho after actually using a set of drawers in a hotel. Eileen Jibbergunt left items in the drawer that’s usually reserved for fuck all. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “I thought I’d use the hotel drawers to put things in. They were there and I had things to put in […]
A newly-married husband is divorcing his wife after discovering that his wife makes piss-poor cups of coffee. Haydn Fatarse married his wife Glenys just two months ago. But after she handed him a mug of what he described as ‘elephant spunk’, Haydn called his solicitor and requested a divorce. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “It had […]
A pet dog has told Grumpy Fuckers that he’s convinced that he owns the street he lives on. Rover the dog barks at any other animal or human that dares pass outside his house. Rover told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was born to own this street. This street is mine. Any other bastard comes past my […]
People who do stuff primarily with their left hands have been told to grow the fuck up. It is estimated that 100% of left-handers only do so to piss other people off. Arthur TwoPorches, President of the Right-Handed Hand Group, told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve put up with these idiots for years. Going around, doing stuff […]
Police have been given new powers to taser people who whistle no tune in particular. People who whistle nothing in particular have become one of the world’s most annoying fuckers. A spokesman for the police force told Grumpy Fuckers: “These people are the scum of the earth. They go about their day, whistling any old […]
A man has taken up wearing glasses so that people start taking him seriously. Danny Dickwad was largely ignored until he donned a pair of spectacles. Now people listen to what he has to say. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “I used to go into work and sit at my desk. All day long, I’d try […]
It’s that time of year again when we are on the hunt for the Grumpy Fucker of the Year. It could be your husband. It could be your wife. If could be your dog or it even be you! Here’s what you need to do: 1. Fill in the form below. 2. That’s it!! Closing […]
Nature boffins have discovered that woodpeckers only peck trees because they hate them. One woodpecker told Grumpy Fuckers that he hated trees so much that he just ‘wanted to hammer the shit out of them.’ He said: “I’m just an angry bird as it were. I fucking hate trees. They just stand around looking all […]
A woman who couldn’t stop buying cushions has been freed from her home by the Fire Service. Gaynor BonkEye has been buying cushions every day for nearly twenty years. Things came to a head over the weekend when she realised she couldn’t reach her front door. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was a twenty-a-day girl. […]
Scientists have conclusively proved that coffee eases the pain of being awake. The study included plying coffee to over 1,000 grumpy fuckers over a three day period. Professor Frankie Cleverclogs told Grumpy Fuckers: “We studied this subject over many years and our results are particularly striking. We found over 1,000 grumpy fuckers on public transport […]
Cardiff’s first Psychic Festival has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances. The festival was due to be held at Cardiff Bay in May but organisers are now considering postponing it until next year. Mystic Maggie, the festival’s director told Grumpy Fuckers: “We was hoping to have lots of mystic people here but sadly, that’s not […]
A lazy fucker has been forced to tilt his tube of Pringles after finding that his hands were too fat to fit into the container. Jamie ‘Wibbly Wobbly’ Webly, 32, was eating his Pringles while watching a replay of the A-Team on telly. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve been eating Pringles for many years now […]
Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Monday 28th January. The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day. One grumpy fucker said: “Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day […]
A woman has accidentally bought herself a new pair of shoes after leaning on her phone. Thelma BendyLegs sat on her phone while watching Friends on telly – and happened to accidentally input all of her 16 credit card numbers, her expiry date and her security number – all in the correct order. She told […]