A 40 year old woman has forgotten to take her phone on her visit to the shitter.
Beverly GlumPlums resorted to reading the bottles of cleaning products under the sink after her stupid mistake.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I always take my phone to the shitter. Every single time. Except for this time obvs. It wasn’t until I’d dropped my load that I realised I’d forgotten my phone. I was devastated. I really didn’t know what to do because I usually like to sit there for an hour or so looking at the crap my friends had posted on their social media. I sat looking around the bathroom for a few minutes before realising that the only thing I could read were the bottles of cleaning products. There was a bottle of bleach and also some disinfectant. I learnt lots from reading the bottles but it wasn’t the same as having my phone. After I left the shitter, I had to have a lie down. That’s how exhausting it was.”
Bev’s mum also called Bev said:
“My daughter’s a lazy waster. I want her to get off her fat arse, get herself a job and a house so she can stop shitting in my shitter.”
Scientists have officially proved that intelligent people are the grumpiest fuckers on earth.
The study showed that those who have an IQ of 140 or more were the grumpiest fuckers known to mankind.
Professor CleverClogs who commissioned and carried out the study, told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We’ve all had an inkling that those with greater intelligence seem to be the ones who are the grumpiest. We think it’s because they realise what a shitfest this world really is. Those with less intelligence live in a sort of ignorant bubble where everything is lovely and delightful. Our study has shown that the cleverer the person, the more they realise that life sucks – and hence the grumpiness.”
One participant of the study said:
“I’m a Doctor of Human Psychology and I’ve spent many years studying humans and their relationship with each other and the world. Sadly, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s all a load of shit. This gets me down and makes me sad.”
Record levels of dickheads were recorded last month, sparking fears that the world is in the midst of a dickhead epidemic.
The world saw a 14% rise in dickheads in the last month alone.
Professor Freddy Fuckface told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I’ve never seen it this bad in all my life and I’m an old fucker. I sent the boys out yesterday to collect data from across the world and when we sat down and put it all together, we were amazed. The world has never seen such a high population of dickheads. They’re everywhere – in work, at home, down the disco. Everywhere you go, you’re knee deep in dickheads. I think that we are going to have to speak to the UN about this because this is unpresidented in modern day history. And yes, I did just say unpresidented.”
The rise in dickheads has been blamed on all sorts of shit. Professor Fuckface says that there is no one reason for the rise.
“Shit happens. This generation is stuck with the most amount of dickheads the world has ever seen. That’s all there is to it.”
The World Day of Peace has been disrupted by a fucking alarm clock.
The annual day, dedicated to peace across the globe, went tits up after a shitty alarm clock woke those observing the holiday.
One observer told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I’ve been looking forward to this day all year. It’s the only day when I can officially have a lie in and get some peace and quiet. Then what goes and happens? My fucking alarm clock goes off. I thought I’d turned the fucker off but it seems not. It’s not surprising – I was totally wankered last night to the point where I was talking shit all night long. Talk about peace – none of my friends got any. I finally climbed into bed about 3am because I’d been up singing Gloria Gaynor songs all night.”
The World Day of Peace is designed to bring peace and harmony to the world.
So far, its effect can be officially classified as ‘Fuck all’.
A very clever cat expert has proved that cats can actually speak but choose not to.
Cats are renowned for not giving a flying fuck about their owners or anything else for that matter.
Gary ‘Whiskers’ Fourpaws told GrumpyFuckers:
“We did some kind of experiment that was highly top secret so I can’t tell you what it entailed. But we did conclude that cats can indeed speak perfectly good English but choose not to. Whether it’s the fact that they are indifferent to any other living creature, whether it’s shyness – or in fact whether it’s just that they hate people, we’re not quite sure. When we left our cats along in a room, they chatted among themselves in perfectly good discourse. As soon as we re-entered the room, they shut the fuck up and pretended that they couldn’t speak.”
The scientists also ran experiments on dogs to see if they could talk too.
“Sadly, dogs are just thick as shit and can’t talk,” said Gary.
Appropriate Eyebrow Education is to be taught in schools for the first time from October.
New directives are set to warn children about the dangers of looking like a cockwomble.
A government spokeswoman said:
“Ten years ago, eyebrows weren’t a problem. The one day, a beauty technician who was having a quiet week thought up the ‘problem’ of normal eyebrows. They started telling people that their eyebrows were shit and that they needed to be sorted. Naturally, people flocked from all around the world to have their eyebrows sorted. Other beauty technicians cottoned on to the idea and started offering their brand of eyebrow treatments, often just using a permanent black marker pen. Since then, people all over the world have been colouring their faces, some of them looking like right cockwombles. Our children need to be protected against this. They need to be reminded that it’s ok to have natural eyebrows so we’re introducing this into schools.”
One pupil at a local school said:
“My mam colours in her face every day before she goes to work. I want to tell her that she looks like a cockwomble but I’m scared that she’ll take my dinner money off me.”
Classes will be rolled out across Wales from October 4th onwards.
The government has granted new powers to police to allow them to beat the shit out of people who can’t park their cars.
It follows months of pressure from motorists who can’t find a place to park because some other dickhead can’t park their own cars properly.
Campaigner Debbie Moany told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We are sick to the back teeth of these arseholes thinking that they can park wherever they want. We are looking forward to seeing them getting beaten within an inch of their lives. I know that some of the rozzers around here have been dying to get stuck in and now that they have clearance from the top, they’ll be round our car parks like flies around shit.”
Police officer Gary Twogunts said:
“I’ve got myself a new truncheon and I can’t wait to use it. Bring. It. On.”
A large proportion of the population would describe themselves as Coffee Sluts, according to latest figures.
The rise appears to come in response to the recent rise of fuckwits and cockwombles in society.
A spokesman for The Coffee Analysis Foundation said:
“We’ve got Coffee Sluts left, right and centre. We’ve got Coffee Sluts all over the place. Christ, I’ve even got Coffee Sluts coming out of my arse. And the rise is down to the sudden rise of fuckwits and cockwombles that have infiltrated society. Coffee has kept murder rates relatively low over the years and the fact that we are seeing more and more Coffee Sluts is testament to that fact. Coffee is literally saving the world, one mug at a time.”
One coffee drinker said:
“I loves the stuff. Can’t get enough of it. I’m at the point in my life where I’m injecting it now.”
A new training regime for dogs will see dogs thanking the mugs who pick up their shit.
Unlike cats who hide their turds, dogs simply empty their bowels and fuck off to sniff things like plants and stuff.
Derek Dunce, director of Dog Owners R Mugs told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I’ve had dogs all of my life and not one of them has ever thanked me for picking up their shit. In fact, they’ve taken me for granted for so long now that it’s a joke. I’ve therefore devised a training regime so that dogs can thank us for picking up their shit. It’s a four week training course; dogs will go through some reflection on their current behaviour to begin with. We’ll then do some role playing where owners will shit on the carpet and dogs will be expected to pick it up. At the end of the four weeks, the dogs will receive a certificate and a biscuit because they’ll do anything for a biscuit. I’d like to think that the world will be a nicer place – even if dogs can’t pick up after themselves, a thank you to their owners wouldn’t go amiss.”
One dog said:
“Hey man. You bought me. You can expect to pick up my shit. I’m not going on this patronising so-called training course thanks.”
Flat-earthers have launched a new initiative to increase their global following.
Followers of the concept say that they want to increase followers in all corners of the globe.
Chief flat-earther Billy Fuckwit told GrumpyFuckers:
“Since Neil Armstrong went to the moon, we’ve had people leaving our ranks in their tens. Of course, all of that was a load of bollocks – the earth is flat and we can prove that – just look at maps – they’re flatter than a witch’s tit. We want our reach to be truly global. We want our message to go all around the world. We want more members of our club so that we can give them membership badges. We got shitloads of them and we just can’t get rid of them.”
Critics of flat-earthers say that they are talking out of their arseholes.
“They’re just talking out of their arseholes,” said one critic.
Scientists have proved the theory that mums are right about everyf*cking thing.
Children who think that they know best have been told to shut the f*ck up and listen to their mothers.
One mother told Grumpyf*ckers:
“I’ve been telling the little shits who live with me for 20 years now that I know best. Everything they’ve done, I’ve done it before and learnt from it. Take my daughter for instance. She banging this married man who told her that he’d leave his wife for her. A year down the line and what do you know? He still hasn’t left her. I’ve been telling my daughter for a whole year that this guy is a cockwomble and that she has to get rid of him. It’s only now that she’s realising that what I’ve been saying all along is right. Why don’t they just listen to what I have to say in the first place? It’d save them a lot of hassle and stress.”
One child said:
“My mum always thinks she’s right and most of the time she is. But she did say recently that Alice Cooper is still looking sexy and I don’t thinks she’s quite right about that.”
Breakfast radio DJs across the country have been instructed to stop sounding so fucking happy.
Critics have complained that sounding so happy about life so early in the morning is unnatural, and should be banned.
Frank Grumblebags of the National Council of Radio Stations said:
“We’ve been having happy DJs first thing in the morning for far too long. Back in the day, I used to turn my radio on and listen to pure silence because there were no fuckers on the airwaves. Then some arsehole comes along and thinks it’s funny to be happy first thing in the morning. The annoying thing about radio is that you can’t punch the offender in the face. All you can do is turn that shit off. We are calling for a blanket ban across the country to stop these people infecting our mornings with happiness and laughter. It’s just not right.”
Brett Smiley, breakfast DJ for Shit FM said:
“I’m so happy in the mornings. I just want to make everyone else happy. After 10am when I get home though, I am a miserable fucker.”
A silent hairdressers has opened for grumpy fuckers who hate small talk.
Grumpy Fuckers’ Hair Salon opened its doors yesterday and was overwhelmed by demand.
Manager Sheila Fuckwit told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We appreciate that lots of fuckers just want to come in and get their hair cut. We hate talking shit as much as the next person but a lot of the time, we feel that we have to make small talk to cover up the awkward silences. Our salon offers our guests a new experience. We don’t say a fucking word and don’t expect our guests to either. It’s this kind of bespoke yet excellent customer service that makes us stand out from the competition.”
Customers to the salon will be pleased to know that their hairdresser won’t be asking where they’re going on holiday this year.
One customer said:
“I just want to sit on my fat arse and get my shitty hair cut. This place is perfect for me.”
World-famous coffee shop Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop has changed its name to Grumpy Fuckers Covfefe Shop in honour of Donald Trump’s now infamous tweet.
Trump was reportedly halfway through a tweet when the magic mushrooms he’d taken kicked in.
A spokesman for the White House said:
“These are the words of a true leader. People have been asking us all day what covfefe actually means – the word is Latin for great and glorious leader of the free world. It’s a word that defies meaning. Only certain people can say this word. It’s so special that it’s not even in the dictionary. You will find that our Chosen One was given this word by God himself. No ordinary man can comprehend it.”
Another spokesman said:
“Yeah Trump was off his tits. He was halfway through his tweet before he started dribbling and talking bollocks.”
A local man has visited his local gym and forgotten to ‘check-in’ on Facebook.
The dickhead, who didn’t want to be named for fear of embarrassment, visited Big Guns Gym last week.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I still can’t get my head around the fact that I went there, did a really good workout and then forgot to tell everyone on Facebook. What a waste of a gym visit. I am absolutely gutted. I told my wife Sheila when I got home and she hasn’t spoken to me since. I had to cancel a night out with the lads on the weekend in case I let slip. I told them I had bardy guts. I can’t even go back to the gym in case they saw my Facebook page last week and knew that I didn’t tag myself in. I’m mortified.”
The case follows last week’s revelation that some men are sitting outside their local gym, just so that they can ‘check-in’ and make it appear to their Facebook friends that they work out.
“These people are muppets.” said gym owner Jim ‘Gym’ Slim. “We all know you don’t have to physically be at the gym to check yourself in there.”
A woman who seduced a man in a nightclub wearing her Fuck Me Shoes replaced them with her Fuck Off Slippers when she got back to her place.
Frank Boner thought his luck was in after Denise Wideflaps gave him the come-on in Jurassic Park nightclub but she wanted to sleep instead.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I really thought I was in. I’m no oil painting and I’ve been to Jurassic Park many times and not even been acknowledged by a woman. But on this night, I really thought that my luck was in. I was stood looking at the dance floor when this woman called me over. I didn’t think she was looking at me at first because she had a bonk eye but eventually, we ended up dancing. She had these amazing Fuck Me Shoes on and she was rubbing her fat arse up against my groins. I bumped and grinded for a while and then she said that she wanted to take me home. I didn’t need to be asked twice. I went to the gents and got myself some protection and we got a cab home. When we got there, she put on her Fuck Off Slippers and told me to fuck off. She told me that she wanted to sleep and that I wasn’t welcome to stay.”
“I can’t remember much about what happened. I vaguely remember coming home in a cab with some fat twat so the story may be true.”
A 32 year old woman has faced up to the fact that being a grown up is shit.
Lucy Biffon said that she’s fed up of having to do grown up things and would like to be a kid again. Please.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“When I was little, my mum told me what life was wonderful. She took me by the hand and said that I had my whole life ahead of me – I’d see wonderful things, meet beautiful people and enjoy my life. Turns out that she was talking shit. I hate my job, can’t find a fella that’s right for me and my tits are already starting to droop like a pair of empty purses. Grown up is shit. I thought it’d be fun but all I do is pay bills, put the bins out, pick up the dog’s shit and go to sleep. I’d like to speak to my mum and ask for a refund because this is not what I signed up for, or what I was promised.”
Lucy’s mum said:
“I had to lie to give her some hope in the world. Sadly, she’s realised already that it’s all pretty pointless. I’m going to run away now. Bye.”
A woman has faked her own death to avoid having to have a romantic interlude with her husband.
Jennie Dryflaps said that she was fed up of her fella rubbing his semi up against her back to turn her on.
She told her local press:
“When my fella and I first got together, we were at it all over the place, all the time. We were tied at the groins – nothing could stop us getting it on. We’d do it at home, in the car, in the shopping mall – even in church. Then we got married and that was the end of that. Recently, he’s taken to rubbing his half-chubby up against my back in a bid to turn me on but it’s making me feel physically sick. He doesn’t even speak to me – he just rubs it all over like he’s painting my back with it. Yesterday morning, I’d had enough so I pretended I was dead. After two hours, he realised that I wasn’t responding and called an ambulance. They carted me off and once I was in the back of the ambulance, I was able to sit up and have a cup of tea. I phoned home an hour later, pretending that I was doctor, and telling him that I’d died. He took it pretty well. I’ve now booked a flight to Mexico where I can get some Mexican hunk to ravage me on the beach.”
Jennie said that faking her own death was worth it:
“At least I won’t have to deal with that every morning from now on.”
A local company has officially advertised a paid position of Office Arsehole.
The company has been inundated with applications from arseholes all over the country.
Jimmy FudgeFingers who placed the advert said:
“Every office has an arsehole, some more than others. We thought we’d embrace this wonderful diversity that Office Arseholes bring to the world of commerce. Duties include bringing food into the office each lunchtime, filling the fridge with loads of their own food and taking credit for someone else’s work. We also fully expect them to hit ‘Reply To All’ when they receive a company email and also to leave dirty cups and dishes around the place for other people to pick up. Being an Office Arsehole is a very important job and we are delighted to see the response we’ve had from our advert. Sadly, we lost our Office Arsehole last week when he ran off with all our takings.”
Applicant Andy Arsehole said:
“I like to bring fish or curry into work and cook it on site. I also like to steal other people’s milk from the fridge. I’m very clever and take from a different bottle each times so that I never get noticed. I’m a professional arsehole.”
Applications for the post close on Monday.
A man who has spent his entire life paying bills has died.
Clarence Dullard started paying his bills when he was just 16 years and spent the following 71 years paying them.
Daughter Molly said:
“Dad spent his entire life paying bills but sadly after paying them for 71 years, he died. We were watching telly. He just kind of pulled a face and that was it – he was gone. I look back over his 71 years of him paying his bills and wonder if he’d have had more fun if he’d said ‘Fuck it’, bought a camper van and went to see the world. History has a funny way of repeating itself too as I’ve been paying bills now for nearly 26 years and I’ll probably end up the same way as Dad did.”
Clarence was buried on Monday but has left one final bill for his lazy daughter to pay – his funeral fees.
“Sadly, Dad forgot to pay in advance for his funeral. He wanted dancing naked ladies and all sorts there. What he failed to tell me was that I’d be paying for it.”