Category Archives: News

Police given new powers to taser people who are too happy in the mornings

A new Government directive will give new powers to police to clamp down on people who are too happy in the mornings. Police will soon be able to taser happy morning people straight in the face from next month. A spokesman for the Police Federation told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve all had enough of this happy-in-the-morning […]

International Day of Happiness can fuck right off

a-grumpy-fucker

Grumpy Fuckers all over the world are staging protests at today’s International Day of Happiness. Some grumpy fuckers are refusing to get out of bed while others are moping around with faces like slapped arses in protest of the day. Clive Grimgrits, who runs Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop said: “What a shower of shit. We […]

Angry driver fits 34 curse words into one sentence

angry-fucker

An angry driver has managed to fit 34 curse words into one single sentence. Karl Wetcleft came out with the record-breaking outburst when some fucker pulled out in front of him quickly and then drove very slowly. Wetcleft told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was driving down the fucking street like I normally fucking do when this […]

Newly-married husband divorces wife after discovering she makes piss-poor coffee

A newly-married husband is divorcing his wife after discovering that his wife makes piss-poor cups of coffee. Haydn Fatarse married his wife Glenys just two months ago. But after she handed him a mug of what he described as ‘elephant spunk’, Haydn called his solicitor and requested a divorce. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “It had […]

Police given new powers to taser people who whistle no tune in particular

whistling-arsehole

Police have been given new powers to taser people who whistle no tune in particular. People who whistle nothing in particular have become one of the world’s most annoying fuckers. A spokesman for the police force told Grumpy Fuckers: “These people are the scum of the earth. They go about their day, whistling any old […]

96% of people tell their pets that they ‘won’t be long’ when they pop out

A recent survey has discovered that 96% of people tell their pets that they ‘won’t be long’ when they pop out. The survey also showed that 100% of cats didn’t give a shit how long their owners were going to be out. Dr Colin Underchafing told Grumpy Fuckers: “While we eat some animals, we also […]

Fire crews free woman trapped in own home by 150,000 cushions

A woman who couldn’t stop buying cushions has been freed from her home by the Fire Service. Gaynor BonkEye has been buying cushions every day for nearly twenty years. Things came to a head over the weekend when she realised she couldn’t reach her front door. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was a twenty-a-day girl. […]

Coffee scientifically proven to ease the pain of being awake

Scientists have conclusively proved that coffee eases the pain of being awake. The study included plying coffee to over 1,000 grumpy fuckers over a three day period. Professor Frankie Cleverclogs told Grumpy Fuckers: “We studied this subject over many years and our results are particularly striking. We found over 1,000 grumpy fuckers on public transport […]

Psychic Festival cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances

fortune-teller

Cardiff’s first Psychic Festival has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances. The festival was due to be held at Cardiff Bay in May but organisers are now considering postponing it until next year. Mystic Maggie, the festival’s director told Grumpy Fuckers: “We was hoping to have lots of mystic people here but sadly, that’s not […]

Lazy fucker forced to tilt tube of Pringles because his hands are too fat to reach inside

pringles-lazy-fucker

A lazy fucker has been forced to tilt his tube of Pringles after finding that his hands were too fat to fit into the container. Jamie ‘Wibbly Wobbly’ Webly, 32, was eating his Pringles while watching a replay of the A-Team on telly. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve been eating Pringles for many years now […]