A telephone helpline has been set up for women who are obsessed with purchasing cushions.
Cushions Anonymous will allow women to call in confidence to talk about their addiction to buying soft furnishings. The line will also allow husbands who take second place to cushions in a marriage to call in.
Manager Lesley Spreadlegs told Grumpy Fuckers:
“This addiction is still a bit of a taboo, even in this day and age. We had a woman yesterday who had been to the local furniture shop and bought three shelves full of cushions. She had to hire a van to get them home. God knows where she’s going to keep them.”
Cushion addict Tina Plump added:
“I can’t help myself. My fella comes home from work but has to sit on the floor as the sofas are taken up with all my cushions. I’m glad this hotline is being set up because he can now phone them to moan about it instead of moaning to me from his lowly place on the floor.”
A man has risked having his bollocks ripped off by trying to talk to his wife before she’s had her morning coffee.
Richard Dunce attempted to converse with his wife about his job before wife Glenda had taken a sip of her coffee.
Glenda told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I couldn’t quite believe what was happening. I hadn’t even lifted the cup to my lips when he came in the room without a care in the world and started talking about his shitty job. My jaw just dropped. He babbled on for a few minutes before he noticed that I wasn’t replying and was getting ready to rip his testicles off.”
Richard shut the fuck up as soon as he knew he was putting his life at risk.
“I thought she’d had a few sips and I didn’t even think. I just went into the room and started talking. It was only when I saw her pulling her fingernails out of the bed that I realised I was in trouble. I shut the fuck up and went straight to work,” said Richard.
A woman has kept her sadness to herself after receiving a haircut that she didn’t like.
Even though Annabel Arsewipe told her hairdresser that she loved her new perm, she ended up looking like Phil Spector and was afraid to say anything.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I was in that chair for over three hours. I browsed through several magazines looking for a cut that I liked and I eventually settled on a cut that looked that that one out of Friends. I told my hairdresser that I wanted my hair like that and she said that it’d be no problem. Three hours later and I ended up looking like Phil Spector. I’m not sure where it all got lost in translation. When my hairdresser asked me if I liked my new hair, I told her that I loved it but I couldn’t get out of the shop quick enough. I had to keep all my sadness inside. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about it now. I’ve become such a grumpy fucker that the only thing I can do is get shit-faced on gin.”
Annabel’s hairdresser was contacted for a comment but told us to fuck off. Annabel is hoping to leave her home in 5 months once her new hairstyle has grown out.”
82% of the world’s population have or will experience, the Mid-Life Fuck It.
The ‘Mid-Life Fuck It’ has been described as realising that one is too old to give a fuck about anyone or anything.
One Mid-Life Fucker told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I woke up one morning and looked in the mirror and went to comb my hair but realised that I didn’t have any left. It was then that I realised that it’d happened – I’d become middle-aged. I took the mirror off the wall and went out to the nearest motorcycle shop. I part-exchanged my house for a new bike, took all my clothes off and drove down the highway until I run out of gas. Then I went into the nearest bar and drunk so much that I pissed myself. I was hoping to get laid that night but the ladies in the bar weren’t too keen so I went home and watched some porn. I masturbated until my penis came off in my hand.”
Professor BigBollocks of a local university said that this kind of experience is all too common among middle-aged fuckers.
“It’s happening all over the world. We spoke to one woman who sold her kids for a new pair of tits. She felt like she was 19 again until 9pm came around and she had to go home to have a lie down,” said the Professor.
“If my calculations are correct, I’d say that 3 million people are experiencing that ‘moment’ right now.
Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Friday 2nd November.
Fuckers all over the globe have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day.
One grumpy fucker said:
“Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day in my life. The first thing I do when I get up in the morning is moan to myself about how shit my life is. I then go downstairs and make myself a shit cup of coffee. I head off to work about 8am and then spend the day working with arseholes. After that, I come back home, make myself a shit dinner and go to bed. That’s it. That’s my life.”
Another fucker said:
“Meh. Just get out of my face, fucker.”
International Grumpy Fucker Day was first celebrated in 2007. It’s been celebrated every year since because that’s how often annual events are celebrated. Friday’s celebrations follow a previous International Grumpy Fuckers Day only a few weeks ago at the end of September because once a year isn’t enough to celebrate the fucking day.
People who whistle shit that doesn’t even resemble a song can now legally be punched in the throat.
It means that people who appear happy in their jobs can be reminded that other people don’t want to listen to their shit.
Police spokesman Danny LoveTruncheon told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We’ve all heard it – some dickhead happy at their job, whistling something that doesn’t even resemble a song. People that need to be punched hard in the throat so we’ve pushed through some legislation that means that anyone can now legally shut the happy fuckers up. I was in a restaurant yesterday and there was this prick who was happily cleaning the dishes out the back. He was so happy in his job that he was whistling any old shit. I slammed down my steak, stormed into the kitchen and punched the fucker in the throat. He stopped whistling after that. I am glad to see our law-makers seeing sense and passing this as law.”
One postman who didn’t want to be identified said:
“It now means that I’ll have to do my rounds in complete silence. This world has gone mad.”
“We are aiming to have a Prosecco cooler in every office by the year 2020. Employers would see a significant increase in the happiness of their workers, and workplace would become a nice place to work once again. Over the last few decades, the office has become a place of doom and negativity. Our aim is to ply workers with huge amounts of Prosecco in order to reverse this trend. We tested it in our workplace and every day has been a great one. I can’t remember much about them but the photos are hilarious. Also, our Chief Executive has had to go off work as she’s now found out that she’s pregnant. By Phil in accounts I think. And Tina’s broken leg is healing nicely after her fall from the top of the photocopier.”
Prosecco coolers are expected to be installed in most offices throughout November.
“I can’t wait,” said one worker. “I’m going to get shit-faced every day.”
Taking your bra off after a long day is the best feeling in the world has been declared the best feeling in the world this year.
Setting the puppies free has also been ranked ‘Best Feeling of 2018’ by women.
A spokeswoman from the Institute of Feelings and Emotions told Grumpy Fuckers:
“There have been days where the only thing I look forward to is unhooking my bra and releasing my boulders from their holders. In this day and age, and the popularity of moobs among the lads, bras have never been so popular. We asked 13 people what they thought was the best feeling in the world and every single one of our subjects gave the answer of undoing their bra at the end of a long day. Who’d have thought it?”
One of the subjects added:
“I came home last night after a shitty day and the only thing that was on my mind was undoing my bra. I cried I was so happy. It was an emotional moment.”
If you woke up this morning, happy that you were alive and that a new day is a new start – think again.
That’s because it’s International Neg Head Day, the day where all the doom-and-gloomers come out and shit all over any little piece of happiness you have.
Organiser Jimmy LardArse told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We’ve been wanting to launch this day for years but we couldn’t be arsed and we never thought it’d do any good. I still don’t see what it’s going to achieve to be honest but I’ve recently been sacked for being too negative so I’d rather do that than sit around trying to better my life. We’re not expecting it to be a successful day.”
Neg heads all over the world are being encouraged to put the dampeners on any one’s positivity today.
“If someone tells you about their exciting new plan, point out how it’ll never work. If someone’s achieved something that they’ve been striving for ages to achieve, point out what they haven’t achieved yet. If anyone tells you that they’re happy, point out all their failings,” added LardArse.
Doctors receptionists have claimed the title of this year’s Grumpiest Fuckers in the World.
It means that they have successfully defended the crown they won last year.
Gloria Grumpydrawers, Treasurer of the Grumpy Doctors Receptionists Guild said:
“We are delighted to have won this title for a second time. We undergo a lot of training and work very hard to be the rude and grumpy fuckers that you see sat behind those desks. It’s not a job that anyone can do – you really do need to go that extra mile, whether it’s shouting a patient’s confidential details out so that everyone can hear, or just simply ignoring people stood in front of you and answering the phone instead. This title is validation that we’re doing all the right things and we’ll be giving it pride of place in our trophy cabinet.”
Freddie MiseryGuts of the Grumpy Fuckers Competition said:
“We had some stiff competition this year, especially from the likes of accountants and even doctors themselves. But I am glad to see the trophy going to where it belongs – the Grumpiest Fuckers in the World. We wish them a very grumpy year ahead.”
Doctors receptionists won the title last year and are the first people to win it back-to-back.
You might be a stunner but chances are, you’re probably not happy.
Scientists have proven the despite their good looks, beautiful people are often the grumpiest fuckers on earth.
Professor BoggleEyes of Fuckwit University told Grumpy Fuckers:
“You think they’ve got everything because they’ve got the looks. But oh no. Far from it. We asked 100 good-looking people, including myself, whether they were happy. 86% of them said that they weren’t and of that 86%, 98% said that they were complete grumpy fuckers. The main reason that good-looking people find themselves grumpy as fuck is that they always think that they can be even betterer-looking than they already are. I asked one guy who was God’s gift to women why he wasn’t happy and he said that his hairy arse got him down. We asked one woman who looked like she’d just come off the catwalk why she wasn’t happy. And she said that one of her tits was ever so slightly bigger than the other. Take a look at me. I’m perfect but my breath smells like an arsehole. It’s these kind of things that make us grumpy.”
The Professor’s findings follow his recent discovery that intelligent people are also likely to be grumpy fuckers.
People all over the world are being urged to Hug a Grumpy Fucker in the world’s first International Hug A Grumpy Fucker Day.
The day is aimed at giving grumpy people some attention and cheering the fuckers up.
Organiser Clive Grimgrits told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I get to do fuck all every day so I thought I’d fill my time by making up another pointless ‘awareness’ day – but this time with a twist. I’d like everyone to join with me in actually hugging grumpy fuckers all over the world in an attempt to cheer them up. If that fails, I suggest using the classic phrase ‘Chin up’ or ‘It might never happen’. And if that doesn’t work, well quite frankly, they can fuck right off.”
Local legal firm TightArse and Feltcher have warned that some people could get themselves into trouble.
“If someone touches me without me asking them to, they’re getting a mouthful of fist,” said one spokesman.
That’s right! The day when we can finally tell work to go fuck itself is finally here.
Grumpy Fuckers all over the world will be calling work and telling their managers where they can stick their shitty jobs.
Campaign manager Clive Grimgrits, who runs Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop in Cardiff said:
“I’ve worked for some right arseholes in my time and all I ever wanted to do was tell them to go fuck themselves. I came up with the idea of International Fuck Work Day to allow people to express their true feelings for their jobs and work. Over 90% of the world’s population work under some kind of manager and 89% of those managers are arseholes. It’s a day when we can call in sick, crack open a few beers and not give a flying fuck about those shitty managers and those shitty jobs.”
One manager said:
“I’m expecting half my team to not turn up on Friday. It’s not that I’ve been an arsehole manager but the job is really shitty. I might be joining them actually.”
A court has heard that a Grumpy Fucker told an overly happy man to ‘fuck off’ before proceeding to punch him in the bollocks.
Gerald Grizzle said that he acted in self-defence after the happy man became too fucking annoying.
Victim Tim Sparkles told police:
“I’m such a happy-go-lucky chap. The world is a beautiful place and I am sooooooooooooo happy to be alive. I was walking to my local restaurant when I bumped into Mr Grizzle who was half-asleep and walking down the road. Mr Grizzle grumbled under his breath and I told him to cheer up and that it might not happen. I told him that he should be happy to be alive. I did a little twirl on the spot and then sprinkled him with glitter. I leaned in to give him a hug but Mr Grizzle told me to fuck off and proceeded to punch me in the bollocks. It hurt. It hurt a lot. Since then, I’ve been a right miserable fucker. I can see his point now.”
Mr Grizzle is expected to say that he acted in self-defence. That’s if he can be arsed to turn up in court.
People who continually post bullshit so-called motivational posts can fuck right off, according to a new charity.
The Grumpy Fuckers Veterans Society said that those who spend days posting motivational bullshit never really achieve anything in life themselves.
A spokeswoman for the group said:
“I see it all the time on social media. These fuckers who are posting this shit are the ones who sit at home all day eating Cheetos. They’re not the ones who’ve been out there and achieved things. And when I’m in a really bad mood, I see shit like ‘You’ve Got This’ and ‘You Are Enough’. NO! I haven’t got fuck all and who am I not enough for? I’ve deleted all my friends on social media who post this shit and I’ve found that I’m left with one neighbour I never speak to and an old friend who I don’t speak to because he just wants to get in my knickers.”
A recent survey has found that people who post motivational bollocks are less likely to actually follow their own advice.
“People who post motivational bullshit can fuck right off,” said the spokeswoman before punching a dog in the face.
Sarcasm has overtaken the English language to become the most popular language among over-40s.
The new figures show a correlation between an increasing general disappointment in life and increasing usage of sarcasm as a first language.
Professor Greypants of Noname University told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We have found a startling connection between increased age and the use of sarcasm as a first language. Essentially, what we’ve found is that the older you are, the more sarcastic you’re going to be. We think this is because when you set out in life, you have hopes and dreams and bags full of drive and determination. After a few decades of trying the same old shit and getting nowhere, you realise that is hasn’t worked. Fuckers internalise this and become bitter. They see members of the youth with their hopes and dreams and bags full of drive and determination and they realise that theirs has gone. That’s when they turn to sarcasm and that’s why we’re seeing these kind of numbers.”
The figures show that over 90% of over 40s use sarcasm as their first language.
Scientists have officially proved that intelligent people are the grumpiest fuckers on earth.
The study showed that those who have an IQ of 140 or more were the grumpiest fuckers known to mankind.
Professor CleverClogs who commissioned and carried out the study, told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We’ve all had an inkling that those with greater intelligence seem to be the ones who are the grumpiest. We think it’s because they realise what a shitfest this world really is. Those with less intelligence live in a sort of ignorant bubble where everything is lovely and delightful. Our study has shown that the cleverer the person, the more they realise that life sucks – and hence the grumpiness.”
One participant of the study said:
“I’m a Doctor of Human Psychology and I’ve spent many years studying humans and their relationship with each other and the world. Sadly, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s all a load of shit. This gets me down and makes me sad.”
A woman has been thrown out of a coffee shop after she asked for a decaf Americano.
Lisa Largethighs was thrown out of Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop early yesterday morning.
Shop manager Clive Grimgrits told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We get all kinds of arseholes coming in here and every single one of them is grumpy as fuck. The only way that they manage to get through the day is to drink shitloads of coffee. It’s the only thing they can do to get through the day. We were all in a grumpy mood yesterday when this posh tart comes waltzing in. First thing she said to me was ‘Good morning’ and I could tell straight away that she was too happy for comfort. I think at one point, she even smiled. Then she dropped the bombshell and asked for decaf. The shop fell silent. I asked her to repeat what she had just said and with a smile on her face, asked for decaf. Within seconds, she was outside on her arse. I wasn’t putting up with any of that shit.”
Largethighs said she usually asks for decaf as it makes her poop.
“I usually ask for decaf because it makes me poop,” she said.
Scientists have discovered that cats secretly tell their owners to go fuck themselves – in some cases up to 50 times a day.
The boffins found that whereas dogs need constant attention, cats are quite happy for everyone to fuck off.
Professor Shinyshoes told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We have always considered cats as members of our family but in truth, they really don’t give a shit. They’re quite happy to take the food, warmth and treats that you give them but they feel no allegiance to you. Just because they live in your house doesn’t mean that they love you. We invented a very special piece of kit that reads cats’ minds and we discovered that cats are constantly telling their owners to fuck off. We had one cat that was constantly repeating the words ‘fuck you’ every few minutes or so. One owner was petting her cat so much that the cat had enough and went and shat in her slipper. These cats just don’t care and they don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves.”
One owner said:
“I don’t believe a word of it. My cat loves me and I know this because it brought me in a dead frog last night.”
A woman has filed for divorce after 30 years of marriage after finding traces of butter in her jam.
Ethel Leathercrotch said she’d been putting up with that butter-in-the-jam shit for too long and she’d had enough.
Husband Terry told Grumpy Fuckers:
“She went absolutely apeshit. I’ve been making her toast and jam every morning for the last 30 years. It was only today after she’d come back from bingo that she fancied a slice of toast and decided to make it herself. Of course, she opened the jam pot and saw a sliver of butter in there. There was a momentary pause before she threw the pot of jam at my head and punched the dog in the face. She then flounced out of the front door and smashed up my car. That was the last I saw of her. A few days later, I had a letter from her solicitor asking for a divorce. I don’t know what to do with myself so I’m going carry on making toast and jam every morning in the the hope that one day, she’ll come back.”
“He can fuck right off is he thinks I’m coming back. I’m moving to Greece to find myself a bronzed Adonis and I’m going to sit on his face all day. Bollocks to the toast and jam.”