A woman has fallen out with her family in September in a bid to prepare herself early for Christmas.
Glenda Wideflaps phoned her parents and siblings last night to call then ‘selfish cockwombles’ to start her festive fisticuffs.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I always tend to leave things to the last minute so I thought I’d get started early this year. I’ve done all my Christmas shopping, put the tree up and cooked the turkey. All that was left for me to do was to kick off and cause an argument with my family. I called each member of my family and told them what I thought of them. They all started shouting and hollering so I think I’ve done well this year already. I’m hoping that they’ll come round and kick off with members of my family so that we can embrace the festive spirit properly.”
Glenda’s also hoping to fall out with her neighbours within the next week or so.
“I’ve started a few fires in my garden when their washing’s out and if that doesn’t work, I’m going to play Demi Roussos at full volume at 3am.”
A terrier has saved his owner from the murder by 13 postmen, 46 bin men and 103 cyclists in the last week with just his barking.
Rufus has scared away would-be murderers from the house with his yapping and hollering.
Owner Chris SmellyHouse told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I’m so glad I bought him. I would have been murdered a hundred times over if it wasn’t for Rufus. I had a sneaky suspicion about the postie – every time he comes up my path, he’s got that murderous glint in his eye. And the other day, I was just sitting down to watch Peak Practice and this cyclist went past. Rufus started scaring him away and if he hadn’t, I wouldn’t have got to see Peak Practice. As it is, I’m working my way through the second series.”
Rufus however, feels that Chris is not as grateful as he should be. He said:
“I stand at that fecking window day and night guarding the realm. And every time a murderer comes up the path, I’m the one fending them away. What do I get? I get shouted at and a slipper thrown at me. It’s not on. If he’s not careful, I’m going to walk away from this family. Then he’ll see what he’s missing.”
A telephone helpline has been set up for women who are obsessed with purchasing cushions.
Cushions Anonymous will allow women to call in confidence to talk about their addiction to buying soft furnishings. The line will also allow husbands who take second place to cushions in a marriage to call in.
Manager Lesley Spreadlegs told Grumpy Fuckers:
“This addiction is still a bit of a taboo, even in this day and age. We had a woman yesterday who had been to Dunelm and bought three shelves full of cushions. She had to hire a van to get them home. God knows where she’s going to keep them.”
Cushion addict Tina Plump added:
“I can’t help myself. My fella comes home from work but has to sit on the floor as the sofas are taken up with all my cushions. I’m glad this hotline is being set up because he can now phone them to moan about it instead of moaning to me from his lowly place on the floor.”
A walker has been taken to hospital with shock after a cyclist thanked them for moving out of their way.
The incident happened on the popular Taff Trail in Cardiff. The walker is said to be in a stable condition.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I was walking to work down the Taff Trail as I do every day of my frigging life when I heard the little tinkle of a cyclist coming from behind. As I always do, I stepped out of their way so that they could pass with ease. What I wasn’t expecting was the cyclist to open his mouth and say the words ‘Thank’ and ‘you’, one after the other, just like that. I don’t remember much after that apart from waking up in the back of an ambulance. I wouldn’t have minded but I was hoping to meet up with my butty for breakfast but that’s all gone tits up now.”
Police are trying to track down the cyclist, who was reportedly wearing shorts so tight that you could clearly see that he had one bollock hanging down much further than the other.
“There are so many boring people in the world and it’s about time that these arseholes were put in their place. Day after day, we have to listen to these people droning on and on about their kids, or their jobs or their shitty families. The fact of the matter is, we really don’t give a shit about them. We need to start telling these people to their ugly faces – we don’t care now FUCK OFF.”
Campaign organisers are hoping that FuckOfftober will combine nicely with Stopober, when smokers will feel other peoples’ boring banter more acutely.
Fundraiser Jason FatLip said:
“I’m looking forward to going into work and telling people to Fuck Up. It’s been a lifelong dream for me and hopefully, I’ll raise a bit of money in the process.”
A man has made conversation with his wife who was sat next to him after Facebook went down last night.
The popular social networking site went down leaving many not sure what to do with themselves.
Jeff WideGut told Grumpy Fuckers:
“It was all a bit strange. There I was one minute on my phone; the next minute I was faced with my wife, who was sat there beside me. She had been on Facebook too. We ended up talking to each other. She seemed a nice lady.”
Other couples joined Twitter in order to look up more shit on the internet. One lady said:
“I spend all night looking up other people’s wonderful lives on Facebook. When it went down, there wasn’t much else to do so I was forced to join Twitter. It was a bit shit to be honest because I posted a picture of my dinner on there but no-one liked it.”
The Government has ordered BMW to recall 5 million of their cars after it was discovered that none of the indicators work on their cars.
The car manufacturer has yet to respond to the request, which follows on the news that VW will have to recall some of their cars due to falsified emission tests.
Government spokesman Dan Greysuit told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We’ve been getting calls from motorists and police officers across the country telling us that flashers on the side of BMWs are not working. Whether they are pulling into a different lane on the motorway or just coming around a roundabout, it seems that no-one is aware of where the BMW is heading because its indicators just simply aren’t working. We would like BMW to look into this as a matter of urgency.”
But it seems that the indicators ARE working but that some BMW drivers are not aware of their existence.
Driver Clive Snitch said:
“Indicators? Eh? In my car? Ha ha. Don’t be stupid! Eh? On the side of my steering wheel? Really?…Good god, you’re right. I thought that was just there to flash my lights to people when I’m driving up their arseholes at 90mph.”
A runner has set a personal best but stupidly, has totally forgotten to post it to Facebook.
Denise Lardarse beat her previous best of 32:45 to run down the chippy and back last night.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I was so excited about the bag of chips I’d just bought, I totally forgot to share my personal best with my friends and family on Facebook. I can’t believe I wasted that opportunity. Normally I share every single run I do, just to impress everybody. They love seeing my stats and all the maps of where I go and that. They think I’m so healthy but really, I’m just running to the chippy and back. They do a lovely line in steak and kidney pies and I can’t stop eating the bastards.”
Denise’s new time of 5 minutes and 3 seconds shaves nearly half an hour off her personal best. Her husband Tim said:
“She took the car last night. You did know that didn’t you? She set the RunKeeper app on her phone to run, got in the Austin Allegro and drove to the chippie.”
A man has taken the rest of the year off work to make sure he’s in when his wife’s internet orders arrive.
Jimmy Blundergunt says that it will help his relationship as his wife always gets stressed when her deliveries go back to the Post Office.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“My job’s shit anyway so I don’t mind staying home. The problem is that my missis has ordered so much shit that I’m struggling to keep up. It all started when I missed the delivery man because I was upstairs changing the duvet. When I came downstairs, I noticed a card saying that I’d missed my delivery so the next day, I went to the sorting office to collect it and then found three more cards saying that I’d missed more deliveries when I got back. There’s all sorts arriving at my house and the bin man’s going to have a heart attack when he sees the amount of cardboard boxes I’ve got for him on Monday.”
Wife Sandra does all her Christmas shopping on her break at work. She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I do all my Christmas shopping on my break at work.”
A new app has been launched to help fuckers find their lost socks.
The FindMySock app can even find socks that have seemingly vanished in the washing machine.
Creator Jimmy Fuckface said:
“I’ve lost shitloads of socks over the years. It got so bad that I realised that I had to do something. I knew that I was very clever so I came up with this amazing app that I’m going to charge through the nose for. It helps fuckers find their socks and can be useful for tracing long lost socks that have vanished in the washing machine. I’d like everyone in the world to buy it so that I can retire within the next year and live on a tropical island where topless women bring me ice cold gin and tonic every hour on the hour.”
Critics have pointed out flaws with the new app, saying that no-one has ever been able to find socks that have gone missing from a washing machine.
“This app’s a load of shit,” said one critic. “I wouldn’t use it if anyone paid me to.”
The app is available in most good outlets and some shit ones
Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Monday 24th September.
The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day.
One grumpy fucker said:
“Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day in my life. The first thing I do when I get up in the morning is moan to myself about how shit my life is. I then go downstairs and make myself a shit cup of coffee. I head off to work about 8am and then spend the day working with arseholes. After that, I come back home, make myself a shit dinner and go to bed. That’s it. That’s my life.”
Another fucker said:
“Meh. Just get out of my face, fucker.”
International Grumpy Fucker Day was first celebrated in 2007. It’s been celebrated every year since because that’s how often annual events are celebrated.
A group of antisocial people is still yet to meet, ten months after it was set up.
The Grumpy Fuckers Anti Social Social Club have put off ten monthly meetings so far this year.
A spokesman told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We really can’t be arsed to meet. Our problem is that we hate people as a rule so it’s been a bit tricky meeting up. The last thing I want to do when I get home from working with dickheads all day is going to meet more dickheads. We’ve therefore not yet once yet, which is probably just as well because I’d punch them in the face. We’ll see how things pan out for the rest of the year and if we haven’t met yet by Christmas, we might just pull the plug on it. We’re not really sure why we set it up in the first place to be honest.”
One member said:
“Can’t think of anything worse than meeting up with other people. What kind of fucktard likes to do that?”
A new emoji has been launched, allowing people to express how much of a Grumpy Fucker they are with one push of their fat fucking thumb.
The new emoji is available on all good smart phones, and some shit ones.
Inventor Clive Grimgrits told a waiting audience:
“A Grumpy Fucker emoji has been a long time in the making. It’s taken years of research and development and tens of thousands of hours of blood, sweat and tears. Actually, that’s a lie. It took me three minutes to knock up on Photoshop. Even so, it looks pretty good and will help grumpy fuckers to express themselves in a way that words never could. We’ll be making the emoji available to all major phone providers but we’ll be looking to charge them millions so that we can retire and forget about working. We look forward to seeing the new emoji in action.”
But critics have pointed out that the new emoji is shit.
“It’s just been put together in three minutes on Photoshop. Where’s the thought behind it? It’s just some arsehole trying to make a quick buck. Disgraceful”
Police have been granted new powers to punch noisy eaters in the fucking face.
Under the new laws, noisy eaters face chewing on a fist if they don’t eat quietly.
A spokeswoman for the police told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I hate noisy eaters. My boyfriend eats like a fucking cement mixer and I’ll be more than happy to see him getting punched hard in the face if he carries on. We have given our police these new powers so that we can stamp this stupid behaviour out. Police will be able to apply these new rules even when they are off duty so that if they are in a public place and come across a noisy eater, they can punch them in the face, no questions asked.”
One woman added:
“I was out having a meal last night and I swear that the woman on the table next to me was chewing a load of fucking rocks.”
Hospitals across the nation are to start offering free Intravenous Coffee Therapy.
The therapy will be offered to those who can’t do jack shit without a cup of coffee in the mornings.
A spokeswoman for the new therapy initiative told Grumpy Fuckers:
“Shit, I couldn’t get out of bed this morning until my fella brought me a bucket of coffee. We’ve set up this new therapy to take advantage of the fact that millions can’t function without caffeine and we are hoping to retire by the end of the year with the shitloads of money we’re going to make from it. Patients will be able to come into hospital, get their shot of coffee straight into their arms and this will allow them to function all week without having to down a coffee.”
Trial users have expressed their deep joy at the therapy. Gordon Wundergunt told Grumpy Fuckers:
“As soon as I got the hit, I went into a 15 minute orgasm. After that, I went and had a sit down because my head hurt but I was then able to function all week without having to get my coffee fix. It is a beautiful thing.”
Patients will be pumped with 20 pints of coffee in one sitting.
“We are worried that Les won’t be able to bring himself to slaughter the animals that are on the island and will starve himself to death. We all know that the only source of protein in the world comes from dead animals and if Les doesn’t get his shit together pretty quickly, he’s going to end up as food for the vultures. We would encourage Les to stop being vegan and look after himself properly.
Les managed to get a message home to his family earlier this week. It read:
“I’ve often been asked the question ‘What would I eat if I get stuck on a desert island?’. There are wild pigs running around here, as well as sheep and cows and all kinds of animals. And I’ll be eating what they’re eating. It’s rather nice being away from all the arseholes in the world so I’m beginning to think that this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Everyone can go fuck themselves. Apart from the animals obvs.”
International Lazy Fuckers Day has been postponed until next month sometime.
Organisers said that they couldn’t be arsed to arrange the annual event because it was too much hard work.
Organiser Fatboy Lardarse told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I woke up this afternoon and asked myself whether I really wanted all the work and hassle of arranging the event. I did it last year and it nearly killed me and this year, I think I’d rather just sit around in my kegs and watch telly instead. I phoned my mate Turdy McGinty and he said the same so we’ve decided just to postpone it for a while. Maybe when we’re feeling a bit more in the mood for it all.”
Regular visitors to the festival welcomed the news. Jerry Shithead said:
“To be honest, I’m glad to hear it. If was this month, I probably wouldn’t have gone because I really can’t be arsed. I hope that they postpone it indefinitely so that I don’t have to go.”
“We were inundated with entries last year. We had husbands who were moaning that they didn’t get food cooked for them after a long day at work; we had husbands who were moaning that they couldn’t get their ends away with their wives; we even had one husband moan that the TV remote control was too far away from him. The world is full of grumpy husbands and we’ll be wanting to find this year’s Grumpiest Fucker.”
There will be prizes for this year’s winner, including a World’s Grumpiest Husband T-shirt and mug.
“I’m sure that this year’s competition will be the best. If it isn’t, I’ll eat my hat. Metaphorically of course.”
To be notified of when entries open, scroll down to our mailing list below and pop your email address in.
“What a shower of shit. We all know that this day is a cynical ploy to get people to spend money. It ain’t going to happen because life isn’t one big happy bunch of roses. Get real people – we live to work and anything we want to do that’s fun is either taxed or banned. Here at Grumpy Fucker’s Coffee Shop, we’ll be spending the day drinking shit coffee and moaning about how shit everything is. International Day of Happiness can fuck right off.”
Organisers of International Day of Happiness are hoping that everyone suddenly becomes happy because of their official day.
“They can stick it up their fat arses,” added Clive.
A new online dating site has opened for people of mixed weights.
It means that fat fuckers can now date skinny fuckers at the click of a button.
Larry Lardarse, CEO of Fat v Skinny Dating told Grumpy Fuckers:
“It’s very rare that you see fat fuckers dating skinny fuckers and that’s all because of the stigma surrounding a fat fucker dating a skinny fucker. I was lying in bed last night next to my fat fucking wife and she asked me if I was going to make love to her. Of course I was going to make love to her – she’s my wife. Why wouldn’t I? But as I was there, banging away at her mound, it made me think about all the other skinny lads who were missing out on the fun that I have. The following day, I borrowed £250,000 from her to set up my own website especially for people of mixed weights. The best part about it is that I can log in as any of my clients so I can cheat on my wife and she’ll never know.”
Customers are expected to pay £30 a month in subscriptions.
“I’m so excited,” said Larry. “The first thing I’m going to buy with my huge income is a speedboat because I’ve always wanted one.”