83% of the world’s dog population bark just to be annoying little bastards.
That’s the startling conclusion into a recent study into why the little shits make so much noise.
Professor Danny Dogger who headed up the survey said:
“We spoke to over 450 dogs and asked them the same question – Why do you bark? In over 83% of cases, the dogs replied that they bark just to be annoying little bastards. Some dogs said that they only barked to piss their owners off and some also said that they barked to annoy neighbours. What we are seeing here is a large-scale attempt by our canine friends to be annoying fuckers, and this will help us going forward in finding ways to stop them being so noisy.”
One dog said:
“Yeah man. I just bark to piss my owners off. I usually like barking when their favourite TV show comes on. I’ll bark until they tell me to stop and when they do, I bark even more. I also like to bark when they’re trying to get their jig on. There’s nothing funnier than seeing my owner trying to get his end away while trying to stop me from barking at the same time.”
The World Health Association has officially classed coffee withdrawal symptoms as a medical condition.
Depresso is experienced when an individual is exposed to lack of coffee. Sufferers experience anything from headaches to committing homicide.
A very important spokesperson said:
“This condition has been around for a long, long time but it’s only now that we’ve gotten off our arses and officially classified it. We called it Depresso because we thought that sounded clever. Individuals who are exposed to lack of coffee can suffer incredibly. We often see sufferers lash out at other individuals or inanimate objects. The only way that it can be controlled is to reintroduce coffee into the bloodstream. We are working closely with hospitals so that those who have acute symptoms can be put on a drip and receive their coffee intravenously. Depresso cannot be passed from person to person but we have seen a very large increase in reported cases since we officially classified it.”
One sufferer said:
“I went one day without coffee and I ended up punching a local priest in the face. That’s the kind of thing you do when suffering from Depresso.
Easter Egg Hunts across the country are proving that kids can find things when they really, really want to.
Children often have problems locating clean clothes, the things that they were sent upstairs to fetch, as well as inner calm.
Frank ‘Humpty’ EggHead, who runs local Egg Hunts said:
“I’m sure that this is something that’s played out across the country. But chuck in a few bits of chocolate and maybe some toys and these kids can sniff them out from 3 miles. At one recent event, we even encased some treats inside some lead and buried underground. Even Superman couldn’t find them, but sure as fuck, these kids found them and ate them inside ten minutes. Back at home, I ask them where their dirty school uniform is so that it can be washed, and they can’t find a thing. Send them upstairs to fetch my reading glasses – can’t find them. Ask them to simmer down and find some inner calm – bullshit. Their talent soon deserts them.”
One parent added:
“I sent my daughter outside to find my phone as I’d last used it when I was outside gardening. She couldn’t find my phone but she did find her way to the local supermarket and bought herself a shitload of sweets and candy.”
37% of all men grow beards to cover up their pig-ugly faces.
The recent study showed that ugly men would grow their beards all over their faces if they could.
Kevin LardArse who ran the study said:
“The recent rise of the hipster look has given men the ideal opportunity to cover up their face if they themselves deemed them ugly. Previously, we used to see lads walking around with cardboard boxes on their heads but not so much these days. The hipster beard means that these boys can still show their faces in public and even attempt to try and chat others up- all without the need for a cardboard box. Our figures showed that 37% of men across the world only grew their beard so that they don’t look so bad. We were also surprised at how ugly some of the men were when they shaved their beards off.”
One participant in the study said that he had another reason for growing a beard:
“My chin looks like a pair of large buttocks so I was more than happy when the hipster beard look came along. I can walk to the shops now without looking as if I’ve got a massive arse hanging off my face.”
The other 63% questions said that they grew their beards because they look dashingly handsome with them.
People who work and live in London have been voted the Grumpiest Fuckers in the UK.
Londoners, more commonly known as Laaaardernuz in their local tongue, were installed as the Grumpiest Fuckers in the UK by everyone outside of London.
Gareth ThunderGunt, who headed up the survey said:
“The UK has a wide variety of Grumpy Fuckers. Last year’s winners were the Scottish who always seem particularly miserable. That may be down to the fact that they never get any sun and that they always have midges flying around the place. But the Scottish are a lovely race and this year, their Grumpy title was well and truly snatched from them by Londoners. For anyone who has every visited the city, you can tell that they’re a true Londoner because they’ll have a face like a slapped arse and won’t speak to you. Londoners polled over 75% of the vote this year, which is a record for us.”
London commuters were particularly grumpy, presumably because they don’t get to see any of the natural world on their 10 hour journeys to and from work.
A man who was told to go and reach for the stars has spent three hours waving his hands around pointlessly.
Charlie Fuckwit was given the inspirational speech by a life coach he’d paid handsomely.
“I paid her a lot of money. She listened to all my problems and made me feel very special. I felt that she really cared about me. She told me to step outside of her large mansion, to get a grip, and to reach for the stars. Her speech filled me with positive vibes. I got straight on my bike and headed down to the nearest hill, just as dusk was approaching. I looked up at the majesty of the night sky. I recalled her words about how small I was and that I had to reach for the stars. I lifted my arms and reached.”
Charlie was somewhat disappointed though.
“After a several hours, I realised that they were billions of light years away and even with Inspector Gadget arms, I was never going to reach the stars. On reflection, I just stood there pointlessly waving my arms around like a cockwomble. I gained nothing from my experience, except for the idea that I’m going to become a life coach, take shitloads of money off people and tell them to go reach for the stars.”
A man with a metal detector has spent an afternoon looking for the meaning of life.
Billy NoMates came away empty-handed from his pointless activity.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I had this thing for Christmas several years back and I never used it because I thought it was shit. But then last week, I was going to go out with my mates before realising that I didn’t have any. Instead, I got my metal detector out and headed out into some fields. I was there for about 2 hours and found nothing. Then I realised that I hadn’t turned the machine on. I turned it on and looked for another 2 hours. I still didn’t find anything. I spent the rest of the afternoon seeking the meaning of my life. Still didn’t find anything thought.”
Billy went home and ordered himself a pizza instead.
“I won’t be going out again. I looked a right cockwomble. If only I’d discovered a horde of hidden treasure – I’d be on the first plane to somewhere else.”
A woman has painted a smile onto her face to help her get through her shitty day.
Debbie FatArse says that it saves her the effort of pretending to be ok with things.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“My day’s hard enough without other dickheads making it worse. I always get told to cheer the fuck up when I’m in work and I really can’t be arsed to smile fake smiles. I thought it’d be a lot easier just to paint a happy face on my miserable face and then I can get through my shitty day without exerting myself too much. It’s worked wonders over the last few days as I haven’t had to speak to anyone because they think I’m a happy bastard. I wash my happy face off at night so that I can be a miserable bastard naturally at home.”
Co-workers have been amazed at Debbie’s overnight transformation. One said:
“She looks so happy these days. Either she’s getting a good seeing to every night or she’s on some kind of medication. Either way, I want what she’s having.”
Former internet celebrity Bill the Stickman is being lined up to feature in the next season of Celebrity Big Brother.
Bill took the internet by storm in 2016 before everyone got fucked off with him and put out a contract for his demise. Bill went to ground and hasn’t been seen since.
However, his agent can exclusively reveal to Grumpy Fuckers that he’ll be appearing in the reality TV show.
“Bill’s be laying low for a while but he thinks it’s time to get back out into the real world. He still feels for his safety but is hoping that he can redeem himself via the medium of TV. If he can get his real personality across to the viewer, we think we might be able to save him. He’s currently a broken man – he needs this chance to show people what he’s really like.”
Celebrity Big Brother producer Buck Smiley said:
“We’re always on the lookout for washed up celebrities and Bill the Stickman really fits the bill. He’s not liked, has nothing going for him and he’s disposable. Just the sort of ‘celebrity’ we like to have on here. We look forward to watching his life collapse around him on live TV.”
The word ‘good’ has been officially banned from the popular phrase ‘Have a good day’.
Government sources say that it more accurately reflects life in today’s modern world.
A spokeswoman said:
“I think it’s about time that we took a reality check and realised that the word ‘good’ doesn’t really add anything to our days. In fact, we are just deluding ourselves to the fact that we wake up each morning and think that today is going to be better than yesterday. We therefore decided to remove the word ‘good’ from the phrase ‘have a good day’ so that it more accurately portrays today’s life. Anyone caught saying ‘Have a good day’ will be put in prison for 37 or years or deported. We’d like to encourage people to use the new phrase of ‘Have a day’.”
One Grumpy Fucker said:
“This is one thing I can agree with the government on. I don’t have good days – just days. The new ban is therefore something I wholeheartedly agree with.”
Grumpy fuckers all over the world are celebrating International Grumpy Fucker Day.
The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit all day.
One grumpy fucker said:
“Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day in my life. The first thing I do when I get up in the morning is moan to myself about how shit my life is. I then go downstairs and make myself a shit cup of coffee. I head off to work about 8am and then spend the day working with arseholes. After that, I come back home, make myself a shit dinner and go to bed. That’s it. That’s my life.”
Another fucker said:
“Meh. Just get out of my face, fucker.”
International Grumpy Fucker Day was first celebrated in 2007. It’s been celebrated every year since because that’s how often annual events are celebrated.
Grumpy Fuckers across the world have told supporters of the International Day of Happiness to go fuck themselves.
They say that the day of happiness is a load of shit designed to dupe people into thinking that life is fine.
Manager of Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop, Clive Grimgrits said:
“What a load of shit. Anyone with any sense would know that International Day of Happiness is the biggest pile of horse shit ever invented. Life isn’t about being happy – it’s about struggling through one shitty day to survive for another shitty day the following morning. Whoever invented this pile of bollocks should have their heads seen to – they’re obviously making a lot of money out of it somewhere.”
One grumpy fucker who didn’t want to be named said:
“I prefer to wallow in my own self-pity. Anyone who thinks otherwise can go fuck themselves.”
A woman who has become so disenchanted with life has gone past the point of not giving a fuck anymore.
Gladys Throbbon is now at the point where she is now giving negative fucks.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“When I was born, my Mamma told me that life was such a wonderful adventure and that I should cherish every moment. What my Mamma didn’t say was that she was talking out of her arsehole. She was lying to my face. I’ll never forgive her. I spent many years giving a fuck about things and it only dawned on me quite recently, that life is easier if I don’t give a fuck. But even then, I found that wasn’t enough. Life was still pissing me off. I now find myself in a position where I am giving negative fucks about anything. I’m not sure how that works exactly, but that’s the way it is.”
Friends of Gladys say that she really is one grumpy fucker.
“Jesus. One minute spent with this bitch and you want to slit your own wrists.”
Doctors receptionists have claimed the title of this year’s Grumpiest Fuckers in the World.
It means that they have successfully defended the crown they won last year.
Gloria Grumpydrawers, Treasurer of the Grumpy Doctors Receptionists Guild said:
“We are delighted to have won this title for a second time. We undergo a lot of training and work very hard to be the rude and grumpy fuckers that you see sat behind those desks. It’s not a job that anyone can do – you really do need to go that extra mile, whether it’s shouting a patient’s confidential details out so that everyone can hear, or just simply ignoring people stood in front of you and answering the phone instead. This title is validation that we’re doing all the right things and we’ll be giving it pride of place in our trophy cabinet.”
Freddie MiseryGuts of the Grumpy Fuckers Competition said:
“We had some stiff competition this year, especially from the likes of accountants and even doctors themselves. But I am glad to see the trophy going to where it belongs – the Grumpiest Fuckers in the World. We wish them a very grumpy year ahead.”
An angry wife has filed for divorce from her husband after her failed to dispose of an empty toilet roll holder.
Rita Bunce’s husband Terry left the toilet roll holder in the bathroom, even when the bin was right next to him.
Rita told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I can’t believe I married that lazy slob. He sat there for 25 minutes dropping his guts and couldn’t even be arsed to open the bin and put the empty toilet roll holder in the bin. It was right next to him! If he’d only put it in the bin, we’d have the happiest marriage in the world but the fact is that this has been going on for a while now. It can’t go on any more. I’ve instructed my solicitor to start divorce proceedings against him.”
Husband Terry said:
“She’s set me up to this. She’s a very crafty woman. If she’s getting to the end of a toilet roll, she’ll use as little as possible so that she doesn’t finish it off. That way, she never has to reach down and put it in the bin. I feel sad about it all but sometimes, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles I’m afraid.”
A world-famous coffee shop has launched its own line of wine-flavoured coffee.
The new coffee is aimed at those who struggle to draw a distinction between the night before the morning after and the morning after the night before.
Clive GrimGrits, who owns Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop said:
“We get all kinds of lazy shites in here. They fall in through the door on their way to work and think that this magic stuff called coffee is going to make everything better. It doesn’t quite work like that so we’ve come up with an idea that will help those who really struggle in the mornings. Our new wine-flavoured coffee will give lazy lard-arses that extra kick in the mornings so that arriving at work is almost bearable. It comes in three sizes – large, extra large and bucket sized. So far, we’ve had some great feedback and a few people falling over, breaking their arms and having to have the day off. It’s been a real success story here.”
One customer who had purple teeth said:
“I loves you. I really does. No really. I really, really loves you.”
A grumpy mother has sent her three children to school dressed as Kindles for World Book Day.
Debbie WideArse said she really didn’t have the time to make up any other fancy dress outfits.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“Every week there seems to be something I have to make or create for my kids to take to school. If I’m not creating life-sized dinosaurs out of cardboard boxes, I’m building a remote-controlled car out of wire. It was the last straw when I had a letter asking me to dress my kids up for World Book Day. That was it for me. I made three large cutouts of Kindles and stuck those on my kids and sent them to school. The teachers weren’t very happy and sent the kids home which is fine by me because I wanted to take them shopping for some new shoes.”
Pupils at the school were less than impressed with the children’s outfits. One stuck up 7 year-old say:
“My mother spend an absolute fortune on my outfit. What a lazy slut their mother is.”
Protests have broken out across the country, demanding that politicians stop turning people into grumpy fuckers.
100,000 people have lined the capital, chanting and holding placards to show how angry they are.
One protester told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I’m sick of it. Every time I turn on the TV, there’s some dickhead just waiting to rile me. It’s gotten to the point where they don’t even have to open their mouths any more – as soon as I see them, I want to punch someone in the throat. I’ve come here today to make my voice heard – I’m grumpy enough as it is without these fuckers making me worse.”
Another protester, armed with a placard reading ‘This is my protest placard’ said:
“We are a democracy and we need to be heard. Thousands of people across the nation are joining us in telling politicians that we’ve had enough. If you want to fuck yourselves over that’s fine – but just keep us out of it.”
A woman who was told by a Careers Adviser to follow her dreams has gone back to bed.
Julie LardArse took less than ten minutes to get home and back under her duvet.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“Chase my dreams? What’s all that shit about? The last time I followed anything I wanted, I ended up in jail. I thought going to see a Careers Adviser would give me the break in life I needed. I waited a whole hour to see the gobshite. First thing he asked me was how old I was, like that’s got anything to do with it. I told him where to go but he kept trying to give me this positive outlook on life. That’s the last thing I need at my age. He told me that it was never too late and that I had to follow my dreams. In a flash, I was out the door and heading back home and to my bed. It was still warm and the coffee I had next to it was just about drinkable.”
Julie’s husband Jake said:
“The woman needs no excuse to go back to bed. Not for filthy stuff though because that all ended the day we got married.”
Scientists have successfully established a link between obesity and eating too much shit.
The boffins concluded that eating too much shit makes you fat fucker.
Prof. Brian CleverClogs told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We’ve finally established a conclusive link between obesity and eating shit. Of course, there are people who are overweight through no fault of their own. But for the vast majority of people, they are overweight because of the shit they stuff down their necks. Our study looked at the eating habits of hundreds of subjects and we found that people who ate crap that they don’t need to eat are usually fat. Those who ate a more considered and healthy diet were not so fat. We therefore conclude that eating too much shit makes you obese.”
One fat fucker said:
“It’s true. I really don’t care what I eat or what my kids eat. I think nothing of eating three fast food meals a day. Alright, so I’m the size of a house but I’m happy. All fat people are content in life and that’s all that really matters.”