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The total number of minutes that mums get to themselves in a day is fuck all

The total number of minutes that mums get to themselves has been totted up by someone very clever.

They’ve concluded that the amount of minutes that mums get to themselves in any given day is ‘fuck all’.

Peter ‘Pied’ Piper who made the findings said:

“We tried to speak to mums to get some feedback on how many minutes in a day that they get to themselves. On several occasions, we were kept waiting while the mums were sorting their kids out. On many occasions, we had to abandon the interviews because the kids kept interrupting everything. We spoke to some mums who told us that we’d have to speak to them later by phone as they had to be at soft play and despite several calls put in, we never actually got to speak to the mums. Everything considered, we concluded that the amount of actual minutes that mums get to themselves every day is what we call ‘fuck all’. It’s a technical term.”

We asked one mother what her thoughts were on the findings but she said that she had to go because she was late for feeding her little one.

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PROVEN: Just because you’re unique doesn’t mean you’re useful

A recent study has proven that being unique has no benefit to anyone.

The study by the University of FackAll proved conclusively that being unique doesn’t mean that you’re useful.

Prof. Brian CleverClogs who ran the study said:

“People go around thinking that they’re God’s gift to the world. The truth of the matter is, most of us are dispensable. Being unique means Jack Shit. It’s of no use to anyone so if anyone approaches you and tells you that they’re special, either punch them in the face or refer them to my study. If someone comes up to you and says that they work really hard, remind them that washing machines do too. Being unique is of no benefit to anyone.”

Lloyd Gunt who took part in the study said:

“I always thought that I was very special but I realise now that I’m not. I think I’ll spend the rest of my life in my bedroom, away from people.”

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Man dragged from home after putting phone in Airplane Mode

A man has been dragged from his own home after putting his phone into Airplane Mode.

Brian Wetcleft was trying out his new phone when police burst into his house and dragged him from his armchair.

Speaking from hospital, Brian told local reporters:

“I’d been very excited about my new phone as I’d never had one before. I made myself a cup of tea and turned my new phone on to see what it did. There were a few things that I wasn’t quite sure about and one of them was the Airplane Mode. Firstly, I couldn’t understand why it didn’t say Aeroplane Mode and then I wondered what happened if I pressed it. I thought my armchair might sprout a pair of wings or something. What I wasn’t expecting was a large group of armed police crashing through my window and dragging me from my chair. They dragged me out of the house and down the street where a few of the boys saw what was going on and tried to stop them. At one point, I was being pulled like Stretch Armstrong and I realise now that I’m about 1 foot taller than I was this morning. The police gave no explanation as to why they dragged me from the house but I did hear one of them mutter that I was overbooked.”

The police have given no formal response to this story, probably because we just made it all up.

“I’m hoping to get home soon and finish off that cup of tea,” said Brian. “I hate it when I don’t finish off a cup of tea. I feel incomplete.”

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92% of population’s happiness comes from gloating in other people’s misfortunes

A large percentage of the population’s happiness derives directly from gloating in other people’s misfortunes.

The figure, published in a recent study, is an indicator that most people get on other people’s tits.

Jessica Fuckwit who took part in the survey said:

“I went through my entire teenage years being a spotty, messy freak. Most of the other girls were beautiful and my mum kept telling me that my day would come. Twenty years later and all the beautiful girls that were in my class are now decrepit grandmothers while I am in full blossom. Seeing these girls moaning on Facebook about how many more fellas are going to leave them, or the fact that they’re being turfed out of my house is music to my ears. My mum was right all along because most mums are.”

Gary Gunt who also took part in the study said:

“Seeing other people having bad luck makes me feel better about my shitty life. Only yesterday, I saw a guy trip over a dog, smack his face on a lamp post and then get run over by a passing street cleaning machine. Oh how I laughed.”

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COMPETITION: Will YOU nominate the Grumpiest Fucker of the Year 2017?

It’s here again- that’s right – the World’s Grumpiest Fucker Competition.

This year’s competition is called the Grumpiest Fucker of the Year Competition 2017 to reflect that actual year that we are in.

We’re also looking for the world’s grumpiest fucker, hence the title.

Do you know someone who mopes around the place with a face like a slapped arse? Do you live with someone who lingers around the place like a bad fart? Are you married to someone who moans about any old shit they can think of? Then you need to nominate them. Right here, right now.

All you need to do is fill in the form below, explaining why you think this asshole is the world’s grumpiest fucker.

Winners will receive an exclusive mug T-shirt and a mug so if they’re a fat fucker, remember to specify a size for the T-shirt.

Entries close at midnight GMT on 30th April 2017.

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83% dogs bark just to be annoying little bastards


83% of the world’s dog population bark just to be annoying little bastards.

That’s the startling conclusion into a recent study into why the little shits make so much noise.

Professor Danny Dogger who headed up the survey said:

“We spoke to over 450 dogs and asked them the same question – Why do you bark? In over 83% of cases, the dogs replied that they bark just to be annoying little bastards. Some dogs said that they only barked to piss their owners off and some also said that they barked to annoy neighbours. What we are seeing here is a large-scale attempt by our canine friends to be annoying fuckers, and this will help us going forward in finding ways to stop them being so noisy.”

One dog said:

“Yeah man. I just bark to piss my owners off. I usually like barking when their favourite TV show comes on. I’ll bark until they tell me to stop and when they do, I bark even more. I also like to bark when they’re trying to get their jig on. There’s nothing funnier than seeing my owner trying to get his end away while trying to stop me from barking at the same time.”

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‘Depresso’ officially classed as medical condition for those with coffee withdrawal symptoms

The World Health Association has officially classed coffee withdrawal symptoms as a medical condition.

Depresso is experienced when an individual is exposed to lack of coffee. Sufferers experience anything from headaches to committing homicide.

A very important spokesperson said:

“This condition has been around for a long, long time but it’s only now that we’ve gotten off our arses and officially classified it. We called it Depresso because we thought that sounded clever. Individuals who are exposed to lack of coffee can suffer incredibly. We often see sufferers lash out at other individuals or inanimate objects. The only way that it can be controlled is to reintroduce coffee into the bloodstream. We are working closely with hospitals so that those who have acute symptoms can be put on a drip and receive their coffee intravenously. Depresso cannot be passed from person to person but we have seen a very large increase in reported cases since we officially classified it.”

One sufferer said:

“I went one day without coffee and I ended up punching a local priest in the face. That’s the kind of thing you do when suffering from Depresso.

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Kids’ Easter Egg Hunts prove the little fuckers can find things when they want

Easter Egg Hunts across the country are proving that kids can find things when they really, really want to.

Children often have problems locating clean clothes, the things that they were sent upstairs to fetch, as well as inner calm.

Frank ‘Humpty’ EggHead, who runs local Egg Hunts said:

“I’m sure that this is something that’s played out across the country. But chuck in a few bits of chocolate and maybe some toys and these kids can sniff them out from 3 miles. At one recent event, we even encased some treats inside some lead and buried underground. Even Superman couldn’t find them, but sure as fuck, these kids found them and ate them inside ten minutes. Back at home, I ask them where their dirty school uniform is so that it can be washed, and they can’t find a thing. Send them upstairs to fetch my reading glasses – can’t find them. Ask them to simmer down and find some inner calm – bullshit. Their talent soon deserts them.”

One parent added:

“I sent my daughter outside to find my phone as I’d last used it when I was outside gardening. She couldn’t find my phone but she did find her way to the local supermarket and bought herself a shitload of sweets and candy.”

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37% men grow beards to cover up their ugly faces

37% of all men grow beards to cover up their pig-ugly faces.

The recent study showed that ugly men would grow their beards all over their faces if they could.

Kevin LardArse who ran the study said:

“The recent rise of the hipster look has given men the ideal opportunity to cover up their face if they themselves deemed them ugly. Previously, we used to see lads walking around with cardboard boxes on their heads but not so much these days. The hipster beard means that these boys can still show their faces in public and even attempt to try and chat others up- all without the need for a cardboard box. Our figures showed that 37% of men across the world only grew their beard so that they don’t look so bad. We were also surprised at how ugly some of the men were when they shaved their beards off.”

One participant in the study said that he had another reason for growing a beard:

“My chin looks like a pair of large buttocks so I was more than happy when the hipster beard look came along. I can walk to the shops now without looking as if I’ve got a massive arse hanging off my face.”

The other 63% questions said that they grew their beards because they look dashingly handsome with them.

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Londoners voted Grumpiest Fuckers in the UK

People who work and live in London have been voted the Grumpiest Fuckers in the UK.

Londoners, more commonly known as Laaaardernuz in their local tongue, were installed as the Grumpiest Fuckers in the UK by everyone outside of London.

Gareth ThunderGunt, who headed up the survey said:

“The UK has a wide variety of Grumpy Fuckers. Last year’s winners were the Scottish who always seem particularly miserable. That may be down to the fact that they never get any sun and that they always have midges flying around the place. But the Scottish are a lovely race and this year, their Grumpy title was well and truly snatched from them by Londoners. For anyone who has every visited the city, you can tell that they’re a true Londoner because they’ll have a face like a slapped arse and won’t speak to you. Londoners polled over 75% of the vote this year, which is a record for us.”

London commuters were particularly grumpy, presumably because they don’t get to see any of the natural world on their 10 hour journeys to and from work.

One commuter said:

“Fack orf.”


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Man who reached for the stars was just ‘pointlessly waving his arms around like an cockwomble’

A man who was told to go and reach for the stars has spent three hours waving his hands around pointlessly.

Charlie Fuckwit was given the inspirational speech by a life coach he’d paid handsomely.

Charlie said:

“I paid her a lot of money. She listened to all my problems and made me feel very special. I felt that she really cared about me. She told me to step outside of her large mansion, to get a grip, and to reach for the stars. Her speech filled me with positive vibes. I got straight on my bike and headed down to the nearest hill, just as dusk was approaching. I looked up at the majesty of the night sky. I recalled her words about how small I was and that I had to reach for the stars. I lifted my arms and reached.”

Charlie was somewhat disappointed though.

“After a several hours, I realised that they were billions of light years away and even with Inspector Gadget arms, I was never going to reach the stars. On reflection, I just stood there pointlessly waving my arms around like a cockwomble. I gained nothing from my experience, except for the idea that I’m going to become a life coach, take shitloads of money off people and tell them to go reach for the stars.”

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Man with metal detector spends afternoon seeking the meaning of life

A man with a metal detector has spent an afternoon looking for the meaning of life.

Billy NoMates came away empty-handed from his pointless activity.

He told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I had this thing for Christmas several years back and I never used it because I thought it was shit. But then last week, I was going to go out with my mates before realising that I didn’t have any. Instead, I got my metal detector out and headed out into some fields. I was there for about 2 hours and found nothing. Then I realised that I hadn’t turned the machine on. I turned it on and looked for another 2 hours. I still didn’t find anything. I spent the rest of the afternoon seeking the meaning of my life. Still didn’t find anything thought.”

Billy went home and ordered himself a pizza instead.

“I won’t be going out again. I looked a right cockwomble. If only I’d discovered a horde of hidden treasure – I’d be on the first plane to somewhere else.”

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Woman paints smile on her face to get her through her shitty day

A woman has painted a smile onto her face to help her get through her shitty day.

Debbie FatArse says that it saves her the effort of pretending to be ok with things.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:

“My day’s hard enough without other dickheads making it worse. I always get told to cheer the fuck up when I’m in work and I really can’t be arsed to smile fake smiles. I thought it’d be a lot easier just to paint a happy face on my miserable face and then I can get through my shitty day without exerting myself too much. It’s worked wonders over the last few days as I haven’t had to speak to anyone because they think I’m a happy bastard. I wash my happy face off at night so that I can be a miserable bastard naturally at home.”

Co-workers have been amazed at Debbie’s overnight transformation. One said:

“She looks so happy these days. Either she’s getting a good seeing to every night or she’s on some kind of medication. Either way, I want what she’s having.”

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Out of work Bill the Stickman lined up to go into Big Brother house

Former internet celebrity Bill the Stickman is being lined up to feature in the next season of Celebrity Big Brother.

Bill took the internet by storm in 2016 before everyone got fucked off with him and put out a contract for his demise. Bill went to ground and hasn’t been seen since.

However, his agent can exclusively reveal to Grumpy Fuckers that he’ll be appearing in the reality TV show.

He said:

“Bill’s be laying low for a while but he thinks it’s time to get back out into the real world. He still feels for his safety but is hoping that he can redeem himself via the medium of TV. If he can get his real personality across to the viewer, we think we might be able to save him. He’s currently a broken man – he needs this chance to show people what he’s really like.”

Celebrity Big Brother producer Buck Smiley said:

“We’re always on the lookout for washed up celebrities and Bill the Stickman really fits the bill. He’s not liked, has nothing going for him and he’s disposable. Just the sort of ‘celebrity’ we like to have on here. We look forward to watching his life collapse around him on live TV.”

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The word ‘Good’ banned from ‘Have a Good Day’

The word ‘good’ has been officially banned from the popular phrase ‘Have a good day’.

Government sources say that it more accurately reflects life in today’s modern world.

A spokeswoman said:

“I think it’s about time that we took a reality check and realised that the word ‘good’ doesn’t really add anything to our days. In fact, we are just deluding ourselves to the fact that we wake up each morning and think that today is going to be better than yesterday. We therefore decided to remove the word ‘good’ from the phrase ‘have a good day’ so that it more accurately portrays today’s life. Anyone caught saying ‘Have a good day’ will be put in prison for 37 or years or deported. We’d like to encourage people to use the new phrase of ‘Have a day’.”

One Grumpy Fucker said:

“This is one thing I can agree with the government on. I don’t have good days – just days. The new ban is therefore something I wholeheartedly agree with.”

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Today is International Grumpy Fucker Day

Grumpy fuckers all over the world are celebrating International Grumpy Fucker Day.

The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit all day.

One grumpy fucker said:

“Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day in my life. The first thing I do when I get up in the morning is moan to myself about how shit my life is. I then go downstairs and make myself a shit cup of coffee. I head off to work about 8am and then spend the day working with arseholes. After that, I come back home, make myself a shit dinner and go to bed. That’s it. That’s my life.”

Another fucker said:

“Meh. Just get out of my face, fucker.”

International Grumpy Fucker Day was first celebrated in 2007. It’s been celebrated every year since because that’s how often annual events are celebrated.

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International Day of Happiness can go fuck itself

Grumpy Fuckers across the world have told supporters of the International Day of Happiness to go fuck themselves.

They say that the day of happiness is a load of shit designed to dupe people into thinking that life is fine.

Manager of Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop, Clive Grimgrits said:

“What a load of shit. Anyone with any sense would know that International Day of Happiness is the biggest pile of horse shit ever invented. Life isn’t about being happy – it’s about struggling through one shitty day to survive for another shitty day the following morning. Whoever invented this pile of bollocks should have their heads seen to – they’re obviously making a lot of money out of it somewhere.”

One grumpy fucker who didn’t want to be named said:

“I prefer to wallow in my own self-pity. Anyone who thinks otherwise can go fuck themselves.”

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Woman so grumpy, she’s not even giving a fuck anymore – she’s giving negative fucks

A woman who has become so disenchanted with life has gone past the point of not giving a fuck anymore.

Gladys Throbbon is now at the point where she is now giving negative fucks.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:

“When I was born, my Mamma told me that life was such a wonderful adventure and that I should cherish every moment. What my Mamma didn’t say was that she was talking out of her arsehole. She was lying to my face. I’ll never forgive her. I spent many years giving a fuck about things and it only dawned on me quite recently, that life is easier if I don’t give a fuck. But even then, I found that wasn’t enough. Life was still pissing me off. I now find myself in a position where I am giving negative fucks about anything. I’m not sure how that works exactly, but that’s the way it is.”

Friends of Gladys say that she really is one grumpy fucker.

One said:

“Jesus. One minute spent with this bitch and you want to slit your own wrists.”

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Doctors receptionists voted Grumpiest Fuckers in the World 2017

Doctors receptionists have claimed the title of this year’s Grumpiest Fuckers in the World.

It means that they have successfully defended the crown they won last year.

Gloria Grumpydrawers, Treasurer of the Grumpy Doctors Receptionists Guild said:

“We are delighted to have won this title for a second time. We undergo a lot of training and work very hard to be the rude and grumpy fuckers that you see sat behind those desks. It’s not a job that anyone can do – you really do need to go that extra mile, whether it’s shouting a patient’s confidential details out so that everyone can hear, or just simply ignoring people stood in front of you and answering the phone instead. This title is validation that we’re doing all the right things and we’ll be giving it pride of place in our trophy cabinet.”

Freddie MiseryGuts of the Grumpy Fuckers Competition said:

“We had some stiff competition this year, especially from the likes of accountants and even doctors themselves. But I am glad to see the trophy going to where it belongs – the Grumpiest Fuckers in the World. We wish them a very grumpy year ahead.”

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Wife files for divorce after husband fails to dispose of empty toilet roll holder

An angry wife has filed for divorce from her husband after her failed to dispose of an empty toilet roll holder.

Rita Bunce’s husband Terry left the toilet roll holder in the bathroom, even when the bin was right next to him.

Rita told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I can’t believe I married that lazy slob. He sat there for 25 minutes dropping his guts and couldn’t even be arsed to open the bin and put the empty toilet roll holder in the bin. It was right next to him! If he’d only put it in the bin, we’d have the happiest marriage in the world but the fact is that this has been going on for a while now. It can’t go on any more. I’ve instructed my solicitor to start divorce proceedings against him.”

Husband Terry said:

“She’s set me up to this. She’s a very crafty woman. If she’s getting to the end of a toilet roll, she’ll use as little as possible so that she doesn’t finish it off. That way, she never has to reach down and put it in the bin. I feel sad about it all but sometimes, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles I’m afraid.”