A man who was told to go and reach for the stars has spent three hours waving his hands around pointlessly.
Charlie Fuckwit was given the inspirational speech by a life coach he’d paid handsomely.
“I paid her a lot of money. She listened to all my problems and made me feel very special. I felt that she really cared about me. She told me to step outside of her large mansion, to get a grip, and to reach for the stars. Her speech filled me with positive vibes. I got straight on my bike and headed down to the nearest hill, just as dusk was approaching. I looked up at the majesty of the night sky. I recalled her words about how small I was and that I had to reach for the stars. I lifted my arms and reached.”
Charlie was somewhat disappointed though.
“After a several hours, I realised that they were billions of light years away and even with Inspector Gadget arms, I was never going to reach the stars. On reflection, I just stood there pointlessly waving my arms around like a cockwomble. I gained nothing from my experience, except for the idea that I’m going to become a life coach, take shitloads of money off people and tell them to go reach for the stars.”
A man with a metal detector has spent an afternoon looking for the meaning of life.
Billy NoMates came away empty-handed from his pointless activity.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I had this thing for Christmas several years back and I never used it because I thought it was shit. But then last week, I was going to go out with my mates before realising that I didn’t have any. Instead, I got my metal detector out and headed out into some fields. I was there for about 2 hours and found nothing. Then I realised that I hadn’t turned the machine on. I turned it on and looked for another 2 hours. I still didn’t find anything. I spent the rest of the afternoon seeking the meaning of my life. Still didn’t find anything thought.”
Billy went home and ordered himself a pizza instead.
“I won’t be going out again. I looked a right cockwomble. If only I’d discovered a horde of hidden treasure – I’d be on the first plane to somewhere else.”
A woman has painted a smile onto her face to help her get through her shitty day.
Debbie FatArse says that it saves her the effort of pretending to be ok with things.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“My day’s hard enough without other dickheads making it worse. I always get told to cheer the fuck up when I’m in work and I really can’t be arsed to smile fake smiles. I thought it’d be a lot easier just to paint a happy face on my miserable face and then I can get through my shitty day without exerting myself too much. It’s worked wonders over the last few days as I haven’t had to speak to anyone because they think I’m a happy bastard. I wash my happy face off at night so that I can be a miserable bastard naturally at home.”
Co-workers have been amazed at Debbie’s overnight transformation. One said:
“She looks so happy these days. Either she’s getting a good seeing to every night or she’s on some kind of medication. Either way, I want what she’s having.”
Former internet celebrity Bill the Stickman is being lined up to feature in the next season of Celebrity Big Brother.
Bill took the internet by storm in 2016 before everyone got fucked off with him and put out a contract for his demise. Bill went to ground and hasn’t been seen since.
However, his agent can exclusively reveal to Grumpy Fuckers that he’ll be appearing in the reality TV show.
“Bill’s be laying low for a while but he thinks it’s time to get back out into the real world. He still feels for his safety but is hoping that he can redeem himself via the medium of TV. If he can get his real personality across to the viewer, we think we might be able to save him. He’s currently a broken man – he needs this chance to show people what he’s really like.”
Celebrity Big Brother producer Buck Smiley said:
“We’re always on the lookout for washed up celebrities and Bill the Stickman really fits the bill. He’s not liked, has nothing going for him and he’s disposable. Just the sort of ‘celebrity’ we like to have on here. We look forward to watching his life collapse around him on live TV.”
The word ‘good’ has been officially banned from the popular phrase ‘Have a good day’.
Government sources say that it more accurately reflects life in today’s modern world.
A spokeswoman said:
“I think it’s about time that we took a reality check and realised that the word ‘good’ doesn’t really add anything to our days. In fact, we are just deluding ourselves to the fact that we wake up each morning and think that today is going to be better than yesterday. We therefore decided to remove the word ‘good’ from the phrase ‘have a good day’ so that it more accurately portrays today’s life. Anyone caught saying ‘Have a good day’ will be put in prison for 37 or years or deported. We’d like to encourage people to use the new phrase of ‘Have a day’.”
One Grumpy Fucker said:
“This is one thing I can agree with the government on. I don’t have good days – just days. The new ban is therefore something I wholeheartedly agree with.”
Grumpy fuckers all over the world are celebrating International Grumpy Fucker Day.
The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit all day.
One grumpy fucker said:
“Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day in my life. The first thing I do when I get up in the morning is moan to myself about how shit my life is. I then go downstairs and make myself a shit cup of coffee. I head off to work about 8am and then spend the day working with arseholes. After that, I come back home, make myself a shit dinner and go to bed. That’s it. That’s my life.”
Another fucker said:
“Meh. Just get out of my face, fucker.”
International Grumpy Fucker Day was first celebrated in 2007. It’s been celebrated every year since because that’s how often annual events are celebrated.
Grumpy Fuckers across the world have told supporters of the International Day of Happiness to go fuck themselves.
They say that the day of happiness is a load of shit designed to dupe people into thinking that life is fine.
Manager of Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop, Clive Grimgrits said:
“What a load of shit. Anyone with any sense would know that International Day of Happiness is the biggest pile of horse shit ever invented. Life isn’t about being happy – it’s about struggling through one shitty day to survive for another shitty day the following morning. Whoever invented this pile of bollocks should have their heads seen to – they’re obviously making a lot of money out of it somewhere.”
One grumpy fucker who didn’t want to be named said:
“I prefer to wallow in my own self-pity. Anyone who thinks otherwise can go fuck themselves.”
A woman who has become so disenchanted with life has gone past the point of not giving a fuck anymore.
Gladys Throbbon is now at the point where she is now giving negative fucks.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“When I was born, my Mamma told me that life was such a wonderful adventure and that I should cherish every moment. What my Mamma didn’t say was that she was talking out of her arsehole. She was lying to my face. I’ll never forgive her. I spent many years giving a fuck about things and it only dawned on me quite recently, that life is easier if I don’t give a fuck. But even then, I found that wasn’t enough. Life was still pissing me off. I now find myself in a position where I am giving negative fucks about anything. I’m not sure how that works exactly, but that’s the way it is.”
Friends of Gladys say that she really is one grumpy fucker.
“Jesus. One minute spent with this bitch and you want to slit your own wrists.”
Doctors receptionists have claimed the title of this year’s Grumpiest Fuckers in the World.
It means that they have successfully defended the crown they won last year.
Gloria Grumpydrawers, Treasurer of the Grumpy Doctors Receptionists Guild said:
“We are delighted to have won this title for a second time. We undergo a lot of training and work very hard to be the rude and grumpy fuckers that you see sat behind those desks. It’s not a job that anyone can do – you really do need to go that extra mile, whether it’s shouting a patient’s confidential details out so that everyone can hear, or just simply ignoring people stood in front of you and answering the phone instead. This title is validation that we’re doing all the right things and we’ll be giving it pride of place in our trophy cabinet.”
Freddie MiseryGuts of the Grumpy Fuckers Competition said:
“We had some stiff competition this year, especially from the likes of accountants and even doctors themselves. But I am glad to see the trophy going to where it belongs – the Grumpiest Fuckers in the World. We wish them a very grumpy year ahead.”
An angry wife has filed for divorce from her husband after her failed to dispose of an empty toilet roll holder.
Rita Bunce’s husband Terry left the toilet roll holder in the bathroom, even when the bin was right next to him.
Rita told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I can’t believe I married that lazy slob. He sat there for 25 minutes dropping his guts and couldn’t even be arsed to open the bin and put the empty toilet roll holder in the bin. It was right next to him! If he’d only put it in the bin, we’d have the happiest marriage in the world but the fact is that this has been going on for a while now. It can’t go on any more. I’ve instructed my solicitor to start divorce proceedings against him.”
Husband Terry said:
“She’s set me up to this. She’s a very crafty woman. If she’s getting to the end of a toilet roll, she’ll use as little as possible so that she doesn’t finish it off. That way, she never has to reach down and put it in the bin. I feel sad about it all but sometimes, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles I’m afraid.”
A world-famous coffee shop has launched its own line of wine-flavoured coffee.
The new coffee is aimed at those who struggle to draw a distinction between the night before the morning after and the morning after the night before.
Clive GrimGrits, who owns Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop said:
“We get all kinds of lazy shites in here. They fall in through the door on their way to work and think that this magic stuff called coffee is going to make everything better. It doesn’t quite work like that so we’ve come up with an idea that will help those who really struggle in the mornings. Our new wine-flavoured coffee will give lazy lard-arses that extra kick in the mornings so that arriving at work is almost bearable. It comes in three sizes – large, extra large and bucket sized. So far, we’ve had some great feedback and a few people falling over, breaking their arms and having to have the day off. It’s been a real success story here.”
One customer who had purple teeth said:
“I loves you. I really does. No really. I really, really loves you.”
A grumpy mother has sent her three children to school dressed as Kindles for World Book Day.
Debbie WideArse said she really didn’t have the time to make up any other fancy dress outfits.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“Every week there seems to be something I have to make or create for my kids to take to school. If I’m not creating life-sized dinosaurs out of cardboard boxes, I’m building a remote-controlled car out of wire. It was the last straw when I had a letter asking me to dress my kids up for World Book Day. That was it for me. I made three large cutouts of Kindles and stuck those on my kids and sent them to school. The teachers weren’t very happy and sent the kids home which is fine by me because I wanted to take them shopping for some new shoes.”
Pupils at the school were less than impressed with the children’s outfits. One stuck up 7 year-old say:
“My mother spend an absolute fortune on my outfit. What a lazy slut their mother is.”
Protests have broken out across the country, demanding that politicians stop turning people into grumpy fuckers.
100,000 people have lined the capital, chanting and holding placards to show how angry they are.
One protester told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I’m sick of it. Every time I turn on the TV, there’s some dickhead just waiting to rile me. It’s gotten to the point where they don’t even have to open their mouths any more – as soon as I see them, I want to punch someone in the throat. I’ve come here today to make my voice heard – I’m grumpy enough as it is without these fuckers making me worse.”
Another protester, armed with a placard reading ‘This is my protest placard’ said:
“We are a democracy and we need to be heard. Thousands of people across the nation are joining us in telling politicians that we’ve had enough. If you want to fuck yourselves over that’s fine – but just keep us out of it.”
A woman who was told by a Careers Adviser to follow her dreams has gone back to bed.
Julie LardArse took less than ten minutes to get home and back under her duvet.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“Chase my dreams? What’s all that shit about? The last time I followed anything I wanted, I ended up in jail. I thought going to see a Careers Adviser would give me the break in life I needed. I waited a whole hour to see the gobshite. First thing he asked me was how old I was, like that’s got anything to do with it. I told him where to go but he kept trying to give me this positive outlook on life. That’s the last thing I need at my age. He told me that it was never too late and that I had to follow my dreams. In a flash, I was out the door and heading back home and to my bed. It was still warm and the coffee I had next to it was just about drinkable.”
Julie’s husband Jake said:
“The woman needs no excuse to go back to bed. Not for filthy stuff though because that all ended the day we got married.”
Scientists have successfully established a link between obesity and eating too much shit.
The boffins concluded that eating too much shit makes you fat fucker.
Prof. Brian CleverClogs told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We’ve finally established a conclusive link between obesity and eating shit. Of course, there are people who are overweight through no fault of their own. But for the vast majority of people, they are overweight because of the shit they stuff down their necks. Our study looked at the eating habits of hundreds of subjects and we found that people who ate crap that they don’t need to eat are usually fat. Those who ate a more considered and healthy diet were not so fat. We therefore conclude that eating too much shit makes you obese.”
One fat fucker said:
“It’s true. I really don’t care what I eat or what my kids eat. I think nothing of eating three fast food meals a day. Alright, so I’m the size of a house but I’m happy. All fat people are content in life and that’s all that really matters.”
Researchers at a very posh university have scientifically proven that people with resting bitch faces look younger.
Their work proves that people who smile too much look wrinkly and that too much happiness can leave you looking haggard and miserable.
Professor Brian CleverClogs who headed the study told Grumpy Fuckers:
“Us clever people have suspected this for a long time now. Many years ago, we studied a woman who never moved her face, not even to speak. She’d write everything down instead. She never laughed, looked shocked – she literally did nothing with her face. That was 40 years ago and she still looks exactly the same. On the other hand, we started keeping track of another subject who’d laugh at anything – even TV comedy Joey. She was very expressive and as a result, her skin’s gone to shit. She looks like Mick Jagger after a particularly long session on Class A drugs. Our study therefore shows that smiling makes you look wrinkly. We therefore conclude that resting bitch faces actually make you look younger than your happy counterparts so there is every reason to be grumpy in your life.”
One woman who took part in the study said:
“I thought I was the happiest woman in the world until I looked in the mirror at the age of 40. My face looked like a bag of shit. I should have spent my life as a proper grumpy fucker so that I wouldn’t be in this mess now.”
A world-famous coffee shop is recruiting new members of staff but on one condition – that they’re a Grumpy Fucker.
Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop is looking for miserable bastards to serve up coffee and pick up crap after people.
Manager Clive Grimgrits said:
“We’ve had grumpy fuckers coming here from all over the world. Most of them are local fuckers who don’t want to go to work and come here to get away from how shit their life is. But over the years, we’ve grown quite to the point where we need to hire new members of staff. We’re not looking for anyone who thinks that life is great because it’s not – it’s shit. We are looking for someone who really couldn’t give two shiny shites about our customers because they don’t care about us so why should we about them?”
Customer Jimmy MiseryGuts said:
“The coffee here tastes like cat’s piss but that’s ok because I’d rather that than going to work. I’d work here if I could but I think I’d probably want to punch someone in the face on my first day and where I come from, I could probably be arrested for that.”
Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop is currently accepting CVs, written application letters and bribes.
Britain’s leading TV fitness instructor has rebranded after getting old.
Derrick Evans, most commonly known as Mr Motivator has since repackaged himself as Mr Demotivator.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“You get to a certain point in your life when you think ‘I really can’t be arsed’. Things that you thought were important like doing 5 roly-polies before breakfast, really don’t matter. Fuck it. Do them another day. Who cares if you’re carrying a bit of timber? No one gives a shit anyway. I’ve come to the conclusion that nothing’s really important in life and that we’re all going to die pretty soon anyway. I’m packing up my pink leotard and I’m just going to sit around thinking of how shit life is. People can still come to me and pay me money for me to give them guidance and I might even launch a new DVD – a bit like In Da House that I launched a few years ago but without it being so happy.”
Mr Motivator rose to prominence in the early 1990s through appearances on the UK breakfast television show GMTV, where he performed live fitness sessions and offered tips and advice to viewers before Power Rangers came on.
“I’m through with all that shit. That’s all in the past,” said Mr Demotivator.
A woman who specifically told her husband not to buy her anything for Valentine’s Day has told of her disappointment that her husband didn’t buy her anything for Valentine’s Day.
Joan ‘Joan’ Strumpet, 39, told her husband not to spend any money on Valentine’s Day but to put it towards a holiday. Husband Dean didn’t buy anything, leaving Joan feeling disappointed.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“When I told him that I didn’t want anything for Valentine’s Day, I was kind of hoping that he read between the lines and went out and bought something. When I said that I didn’t want anything, I did of course mean that I would have liked something. It didn’t have to be anything super-expensive, but just something that showed a little bit of thought. As it is, he’s bought fuck all, making Valentine’s Day an absolutely shit one.”
Husband Dean added:
“I’m mightily confused. I thought that when she said not to buy anything, that she meant not to buy anything. She did the same last night when I asked her if she wanted anything from the shop. She said ‘no’ and then kicked off that I hadn’t bought her chocolate.”
Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto has announced that Mexico is going to build a tunnel under the Mexico/US border.
He said that the Americans were going to pay for the tunnel, which will cost $324bn.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“Trump can boast all he likes about his fucking wall. I said to the missis last night that I should build a tunnel instead. She said that it was a good idea so I got up out of bed to draw some designs. I was there with a blank piece of paper and pen. It took me a good few hours but I eventually came up with something perfect. It’s of cylindrical design and will go underground.”
Enrique Peña Nieto said that the location of the tunnel hasn’t been disclosed to keep the Americans guessing.
“Shit, we’ve got hundreds of tunnels there already. The faster their lot are sticking up the wall, the faster our lads will be digging a tunnel underneath it.”
The White House hasn’t responded to the announcement, saying that they are still arguing about how many people turned up at Trump’s inauguration.