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Queues at shopping malls as dickheads return the shit they bought on Black Friday

Queues have been forming all over the country as dickheads return the shit they bought on Black Friday.

Shops had been selling shit that they hadn’t been able to move all year on Black Friday.

One shop manager told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I’ve had these shitty Chinese TVs out the back and I haven’t been able to move them for months. I even tried giving them away with a free naked lady over the summer but people weren’t buying it. But then came along Black Friday and they went like shit off a shovel. My stockroom was empty. The only problem now is that everyone is coming back with them, wanting their money back. It’s a pisser.”

One shopper said:

“I bought this telly because it was on offer. When I got home, I realised that it was in fact, a pile of shit. Even my dog wouldn’t watch it. I’ve brought it back for a refund so that I can buy a real TV.”

Shops across the country have reported lengthy queues and record refunds.

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The average dog spends 25 minutes looking for the perfect place to shit

Scientists have shown that dogs take at least 25 minutes to find the perfect place to shit.

Unlike humans, who just drop their guts at the nearest WC, dogs need a particular place to lay a cable.

Brian CleverClogs who headed up the investigation told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We’ve been studying these dogs over a period of several months and with our stopwatches, we figured that dogs take a tremendous amount of time looking for the perfect place to shit. We’ve no idea why this is the case. We just know that they take a very long time. In some cases, dogs go away as far from their owners as they can. This isn’t a privacy thing. They just want to piss the owners off as they then have to walk have a mile to pick the shit up. In one experiment we did, one dog decided to go to a neighbouring town for his shit. He caught the bus there and back.”

Dog owner Jimmy Bigballs said:

“I take my dog out for 25 minutes a day and every minutes of that walk is him looking for a place to shit.”

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Santa asking kids to leave out gin and donuts this year

Santa has reportedly been asking kids to leave out bottles of gin and boxes of donuts for him this year.

Santa’s rough year means that he’d appreciate gin and donuts, rather than the traditional milk and mince pies this Christmas.

He told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I get fed up of the same old shit, year in year out. This year, I want to have some fun so I’ve been asking the kids to leave out some gin and donuts for me. Christmas Eve will be so much more exciting knowing that I pissed off my head and stuffed full of cake. The kids have been very responsive so far and told me that they’ve leave out what I’ve asked for. I was going to be cheeky and ask for them to leave out some spliffs for me but I don’t want to push things too far. Maybe next year.”

One child said:

“I sat on Santa’s knee and reeled off what I wanted for Christmas. He then turned around and told me that I’d only get what I asked for if I left a bottle of gin and box of donuts out for him. I told him to leave it to me so I’m looking forward to getting all my presents this year.”

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Hold on to your wheels! It’s International Dickhead Driver Day!

Motorists all over the world are bracing themselves for International Dickhead Driver Day.

Dickhead drivers all over the world will be tail-gating, cutting people up and pulling out in front of other people.

One motorist told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I can’t wait. I drive like a dickhead all the time and I can’t wait to be joined by all the other dickhead drivers in the world. I’m going to get up nice and early so that I can make the most of it. I’ve been testing out my horn so that I can toot to people for no reason, I’ve taken off all the mirrors attached to the car so that I’ve no idea who’s around me and I’ll also be wearing heavy shoes so that I can press the fast pedal really well. I do hope that everyone comes out to join us because we love being dickhead drivers.”

Another motorist said:

“Ah shit. That’s the last thing we need is a load more dickheads on the road. I think I’ll just stay in bed and play with myself instead.”

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PROVEN: Women fart glitter that sound like unicorn’s laughter and smell like rainbows

A university has finally proven that women don’t fart – they shoot tiny puffs of glitter that sound like unicorn’s laughter and smell like rainbows.

Women’s farts have been the subject of debate since Shirley Bassey accidentally let one rip during a live performance at the Royal Variety Show.

Spokesperson for Farting Women told Grumpy Fuckers:

“Women have been given a rough time over the last 200 years. We all fart but women were always accused of floating air biscuits that smelt of sulphur. It’s good to know that it’s been scientifically proven that women’s farts smell like rainbows. Makes me feel better about pumping one out in front of the telly anyway.”

But husbands have hit back, saying that women are just taking the credit for their own handiwork.

Bruce Stud said:

“My guffs smell of roses. And my wife takes credit for them! What the eff is going on in this world? I should be on Britain’s Got Talent!”

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Woman ‘gutted’ to discover Facebook notification was just a Candy Crush invitation from an irrelevant person

A woman has told Grumpy Fuckers that she felt ‘gutted’ when she recently discovered that a Facebook notification was nothing more than a Candy Crush request from an irrelevant person.

Sandy WideFace received the Facebook notification overnight. She clicked on it as soon as she woke up, thinking that someone had commented on a photo of her new hair that she had posted before going to sleep.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I posted a photo of my new hairdo before I went to sleep because I thought that that would give my friends 7 or 8 hours to comment on how nice it looks. As expected, I woke up this morning to find that I had a notification and so I clicked on it. You can imagine my devastation when it said that I had only received an invitation to play Candy Crush from someone on my Facebook that I really don’t know that well. I’ll be spending the rest of the day sulking like a bitch now. I really don’t know what’s wrong with people – they’re supposed to be my friends.”

The Candy Crush invitation came from Dave FourEyes, who Sandy added to her Facebook friends three years ago because he commented on one of her friends’ photos.

He told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I didn’t do it personally. Candy Crush does it automatically so I’m sorry if I come across as a pain in the arse. Now if you excuse me, I have a game of Candy Crush to get on with so please leave me alone. Thanks.”

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New camouflage gear shop goes unnoticed by locals

A new camouflage clothing shop that has opened has gone unnoticed by local shoppers.

‘Now U See Us, Now U Don’t’ opened its doors two months ago but is yet to receive its first customer.

Manager Michael Sneak told Grumpy Fuckers:

“It’s pretty gutting that we’ve had no one come in yet. We’ve got loads of camouflage gear here at great prices. If we don’t start selling stuff soon, I’m going to have to go back to my shit job at British Gas and I don’t really want to have to do that as I left under a cloud.”

The new shop sells all sorts of camouflage gear. But local shoppers have had trouble finding it. Ben DingDong said:

“I’d love to go and see it but I can’t find the farking thing. I’ll go to Iceland instead. They’ve got crispy pancakes on offer.”

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Porn film banned for ‘falsely portraying plumber turning up when he said he would’

A porn film has been banned for portraying plumbers as people who turn up on time.

The film, which features Dennis ‘ThunderRod’ Muggins as The Plumber, was made in 2010 by the now defunct Welsh porn company, Tits and Sheep. But the UK government has taken the unprecedented step of banning the film, as it features a scene where the plumber turns up at a woman’s house when he said he would.

Government spokeswoman Glenda Pencilskirt told Grumpy Fuckers:

“In this day and age, when young people are so susceptible to things they see on telly, we thought it right and proper to remove this film from the public domain. We can’t let our children see this kind of thing, letting them grow up thinking that a plumber will turn up when he says he will. The days I’ve sat in waiting for the arsehole to turn up. It’s just not on. We need to think of the children.”

But critics have pointed out that the film will now go underground. Welsh porn fan Dave StrongArm said:

“It’ll go underground now without a doubt. Gang wars will pop up as they try to ship illicit copies of the film and the government will see that it’s a short-sighted solution. I personally like the bit where Debbie gets spit-roasted. It reminds me of a Scout fete I went to once.”

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Rescue workers recover 643 bodies after 2-seater plane crashes into cemetery

Rescue workers have recovered 643 bodies after a 2-seater plane crashed into a cemetery.

The Cessna aircraft hit a Chinese lantern and crashed. Rescue workers cordoned off the cemetery where the plane came down and are still recovering bodies.

Rescue worker Glynne ThickHead said:

“I was eating my tea when I heard the crash. We came up here and feared the worst. Me and my mates went down to Homebase to buy some of that yellow tape and then we went up and cordoned off the area. The plane was in bits. It’s taken us a few hours but we’ve so far pulled up 643 bodies and sent them to hospital for identification. I’m off home in a minute, if you can just mind the area.”

Locals say that the digging is disrupting their TV viewing. Carl Goggins said:

“I’ve been trying to watch my Game Of Thrones box set but this digging is doing my nut in. Why can’t planes stay clear of our area? It’s just not on.”

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Police given new powers to beat holy shit out of motorists who don’t indicate

Police are to be given new powers to beat the shit out of motorists who don’t indicate.

The Government announced the new measures to cut down on the amount of arseholes who think that every other motorist knows where they are intending to go.

Government spokeswoman Tina Tightarse told Grumpy Fuckers:

“They’ve facking dickheads. They fly around roundabouts without giving a shit and then pull over at the last minute so we have to slam on our brakes. Indicators are there for a reason and if they’re not going to use them, they’ll feel the full weight of the law coming down on them.”

Police chief PC Plod said that his force looked forward to implementing the new rules.

“We can’t wait. Me and the boys have ordered some new extra hard truncheons off Amazon and we look forward to beating the shit out of people who don’t indicate.”

Critics have pointed out that the new rule is excessive. Motorist Claire GoggleEyes told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I never indicate. I like people to second guess where I’m going. I love it, especially when I pull over to go to the Co-op and wait until the last possible minute to pull over without indicating. I love looking in the mirror and seeing the irate driver’s face behind me.”

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Men to get free evening classes to learn how to put things back once they’ve used them

Men are set to get free evening classes so they can learn how to put things back where they belong after they’ve used them.

The Government has announced the measures for men who struggle to put things back and then get stressed when they can’t find them the next time they need them, leading to endless domestic disputes.

Government spokesman Brian Boring told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We often get girls in here moaning that their fella hasn’t put a certain item back where it belongs in their house. It could be the measuring tape, it could be a set of keys. We’re finding that more and more lads are using things and then not putting them back where they belong.”

The classes will include:

• Understanding why things need to go back to where you picked them up from
• Learning how to put things back in the place that they belong
• Why making excuses for not finding items around the house is fruitless

It is hoped that the classes will bring about a more organised society in Wales and also bring down the percentage of domestic arguments.

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Band release shit Christmas single – and insist you buy it ‘because it’s for charity’

A band is following in the footsteps of Band Aid 30 by releasing a shit single and telling people to buy it ‘because it’s a charity single’.

Acres of Doom have released a song that their lead singer Freddy Twmpath wrote when he was on the toilet. They hope to raise £50 for a local charity that looks to rehome lost rabbits.

Twmpath told Grumpy Fuckers:

“The song is really, really shit. But we dragged the school choir in here to tart it up a little. We don’t really care what it sounds like to be honest but you do need to buy it because it’s for a good cause. Them poor rabbits – they all need a loving home you know.”

But critics have pointed out that releasing a single could have been avoided. Neighbour Jim LargeArse told Grumpy Fuckers:

“The fakking noise that was coming from their bedroom was shocking. Why couldn’t they raise money by doing something crazy like sitting in a bath full of baked beans. They do it on Children in Need – why not here?”

The single will be available from all good retailers and some crap ones.

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Mother-of-six takes frozen Christmas turkey out to defrost

A mother-of-six has taken out her frozen Christmas turkey to allow it to defrost.

Full-time mum Glenda Slackflaps has taken the frozen dead bird from the chest freezer in her garage, and has placed it on a plate at room temperature in her kitchen.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We had big problems last year when I only took it out to defrost on the 1st December. We had it in the bath, under my sunbed and even under my hairdryer. We’re ready for it this year.”

The Slackflaps family had to endure eating turkey drumsticks that mum Glenda had as an emergency supply in her freezer.

“It was awful.” said eldest daughter Tonya. “It was like eating turkey drumsticks for Christmas dinner.”

Glenda still plans to take her frozen sprouts out of the freezer at the annual family ‘Getting-The-Sprouts-Out-The-Freezer’ get-together on December 15th.

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4 out of 5 teenagers think safe sex ‘involves having a handrail around the bed’

80% of teenagers think that ‘safe sex involves having a handrail around the bed’.

That’s just one of the shocking statistics thrown up in a recent survey into the attitudes to sex from teenagers.

The survey also found that:

• 47% thought that rimming involved running a wet finger along the top of a milk bottle until it hummed a melodic tune
• 52% thought that bumming involved rubbing bare buttocks together
• 87% enjoyed watching porn films instead of Sesame Street

The shocking results of the report has taken many by surprise. Bernard Gonad, President of The Society for Rude Things told Grumpy Fuckers:

“The figures are truly shocking. To think that 80% of teenagers consider safe sex to have a handrail around the bed, and then to find out that an extra 7% think that having one foot on the floor helps make it safer, makes us realise that these kids are all as thick as shit. We really need to educate them.”

One teenager, who didn’t want to be identified, told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I really haven’t got a clue. It was only yesterday that I found out how babies were made. I honestly thought that all the lads had to do was rub the girl’s tummy to get them pregnant. How thick as shit am I?”

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Shoppers left speechless by woman ‘ready to pay at supermarket checkout’

A female woman has left shoppers speechless after she had her ‘purse out ready to pay’ at a supermarket checkout.

Onlookers were stunned when the mystery woman was immediately ready to pay for 6 donuts and a packet of toilet rolls after the checkout girl had scanned them through at a Kwik Save store. Usual women’s supermarket etiquette demands that a woman must first SLOWLY pack her items into plastic bags in an organised manner, and then SLOWLY dig her purse out from her Tardis handbag while other shoppers wait in line.

Witness Colin Greenteeth told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was ready to wait impatiently for ten minutes, cussing and sighing while she searched each pocket for her purse. But this woman was there holding out her tenner before the checkout girl could say ‘that’s £6.37 please love’. I had to ask the fella next to me to pinch me to prove that I wasn’t dreaming.”

CCTV footage showed that the woman was getting her money out from a pocket WHILE THE CHECKOUT GIRL WAS SCANNING THE ITEMS. Kwik Save manager Debbie Twoshoes told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I was ashamed to see it with my own eyes. She won’t be shopping here again.”

Were you the mystery woman? If so, please get in touch. We’d like to buy you a pint.

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CLAIM: I’ve put on 32 stone with SpeedySlim shakes

A woman is suing a slimming company for £90 million after claiming that their slimming shakes made her put on 32 stone.

Tammy Thundergunt claimed that instead of losing her weight, it actually made her even bigger after drinking 17 of them a day.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I saw one of their adverts in Chat magazine and after my husband told me that I’d put on a bit of timber. I’d been putting on pound after pound after pound. I couldn’t understand it – I always had a Diet Coke when I went for a burger every lunchtime.”

Tammy started taking the slimming shakes last month in a bid to halt the weight gain.

“So I’ve been having one with my breakfast, one with my mid-morning snack, one with my lunch, one with my afternoon snack, one with my tea and one with my nightly takeaway. It’s a blatant contravention of the Trade Description Act – I’m now so big that I can’t even lift my fat arm to lift my remote control to change to channel when Oprah finishes.”

But husband, Timmy, who advised her not to buy the slimming shakes, said:

“She’s an eating machine. She says that it’s all related to her childhood but judging by the photos, she was a greedy shit back then too. I feel sorry for her, I really do, but she just can’t break the cycle. We lost our cat Tiddles for a few weeks last month. We found him wedged under Tammy’s gunt when she finally got up to take a dump.”

He added that he was hoping to make some money from her.

“Would you like to buy her? I’m selling her for £40. I’ll chuck in her unused treadmill for free.”

SpeedySlim spokeswoman, Linda Pertbutt, rejected the claims that SpeedySlim would add weight. She said:

“The woman’s talking out of her arsehole. That’s if she can find it of course.”

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Man finds end of sticky tape

A man has successfully found the end of a roll of sticky tape.

David Dumfuck threw an impromptu party to celebrate, having spent the last three months looking for it.

He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“It was three months ago to the day that I started looking for the end of this tape. I’d been wrapping some presents for my Mum’s birthday and it just seemed to happen. I looked for the end and there it was – gone. I spent several hours looking for it and in the end, I had to give my mum her new dildo in a plastic bag. It kinda took all the fun out of it. She loved it though.”

David spent the following three months searching for the end of the roll:

“I was up at 5am every morning looking for it. I had a few false alarms but it was only yesterday that I managed to find it. I was delirious. I was so happy that I invited all my friends to a local restaurant and for them all to stuff their fat faces. I’m over the moon.”

David is now recovering at home.

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Helpline opens to help women addicted to buying cushions

A telephone helpline has been set up for women who are obsessed with purchasing cushions.

Cushions Anonymous will allow women to call in confidence to talk about their addiction to buying soft furnishings. The line will also allow husbands who take second place to cushions in a marriage to call in.

Manager Lesley Spreadlegs told Grumpy Fuckers:

“This addiction is still a bit of a taboo, even in this day and age. We had a woman yesterday who had been to the local furniture shop and bought three shelves full of cushions. She had to hire a van to get them home. God knows where she’s going to keep them.”

Cushion addict Tina Plump added:

“I can’t help myself. My fella comes home from work but has to sit on the floor as the sofas are taken up with all my cushions. I’m glad this hotline is being set up because he can now phone them to moan about it instead of moaning to me from his lowly place on the floor.”

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Man lives dangerously by attempting to talk to wife before her morning coffee

A man has risked having his bollocks ripped off by trying to talk to his wife before she’s had her morning coffee.

Richard Dunce attempted to converse with his wife about his job before wife Glenda had taken a sip of her coffee.

Glenda told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I couldn’t quite believe what was happening. I hadn’t even lifted the cup to my lips when he came in the room without a care in the world and started talking about his shitty job. My jaw just dropped. He babbled on for a few minutes before he noticed that I wasn’t replying and was getting ready to rip his testicles off.”

Richard shut the fuck up as soon as he knew he was putting his life at risk.

“I thought she’d had a few sips and I didn’t even think. I just went into the room and started talking. It was only when I saw her pulling her fingernails out of the bed that I realised I was in trouble. I shut the fuck up and went straight to work,” said Richard.

He hasn’t returned home since.

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