Category Archives: News

Fire crews free woman trapped in own home by 150,000 cushions

A woman who couldn’t stop buying cushions has been freed from her home by the Fire Service. Gaynor BonkEye has been buying cushions every day for nearly twenty years. Things came to a head over the weekend when she realised she couldn’t reach her front door. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was a twenty-a-day girl. […]

Coffee scientifically proven to ease the pain of being awake

Scientists have conclusively proved that coffee eases the pain of being awake. The study included plying coffee to over 1,000 grumpy fuckers over a three day period. Professor Frankie Cleverclogs told Grumpy Fuckers: “We studied this subject over many years and our results are particularly striking. We found over 1,000 grumpy fuckers on public transport […]

Psychic Festival cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances

fortune-teller

Cardiff’s first Psychic Festival has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances. The festival was due to be held at Cardiff Bay in May but organisers are now considering postponing it until next year. Mystic Maggie, the festival’s director told Grumpy Fuckers: “We was hoping to have lots of mystic people here but sadly, that’s not […]

Lazy fucker forced to tilt tube of Pringles because his hands are too fat to reach inside

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A lazy fucker has been forced to tilt his tube of Pringles after finding that his hands were too fat to fit into the container. Jamie ‘Wibbly Wobbly’ Webly, 32, was eating his Pringles while watching a replay of the A-Team on telly. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve been eating Pringles for many years now […]

Get ready for International Grumpy Fuckers Day 2019 – Monday 28th January

Grumpy Fucker

Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Monday 28th January. The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day. One grumpy fucker said: “Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day […]

Woman accidentally leans on phone, inputs 16 digit card number and buys new shoes

A woman has accidentally bought herself a new pair of shoes after leaning on her phone. Thelma BendyLegs sat on her phone while watching Friends on telly – and happened to accidentally input all of her 16 credit card numbers, her expiry date and her security number – all in the correct order. She told […]

PROVEN: Coffee makes you do stupid things faster and with more energy

Scientists in the UK have proven that coffee makes people do stupid things faster and more energy. Prof. Gordon Bumlick made the announcement at a hastily-arranged press conference in a hotel car park. He told the waiting audience: “We’ve done this quick kind of experiment and we’ve proven something that we think we all know. […]

Police given new powers to shoot next person to ask ‘All ready for Christmas?’

Police have been given emergency new powers to shoot anyone who asks ‘All ready for Christmas?’ Thousands of people are expected to fall foul of the new law, which takes place with immediate effect. PC Plod of the Police Force Federation told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve been overwhelmed by the amount of people asking this question […]

17 year old girl vanishes after using moisturiser that makes you look 20 years younger

A 17 year old girl has vanished after using moisturiser that makes its users look 20 years younger. Betty Bumflaps applied the moisturiser on Saturday and hasn’t been seen since. A spokesman for the local police said: “We’ve looked high and low for Betty but she seems to have disappeared off the face of the […]

Queues at shopping malls as dickheads return the shit they bought on Black Friday

Queues have been forming all over the country as dickheads return the shit they bought on Black Friday. Shops had been selling shit that they hadn’t been able to move all year on Black Friday. One shop manager told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve had these shitty Chinese TVs out the back and I haven’t been able […]

The average dog spends 25 minutes looking for the perfect place to shit

Scientists have shown that dogs take at least 25 minutes to find the perfect place to shit. Unlike humans, who just drop their guts at the nearest WC, dogs need a particular place to lay a cable. Brian CleverClogs who headed up the investigation told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve been studying these dogs over a period […]

Santa asking kids to leave out gin and donuts this year

Santa has reportedly been asking kids to leave out bottles of gin and boxes of donuts for him this year. Santa’s rough year means that he’d appreciate gin and donuts, rather than the traditional milk and mince pies this Christmas. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “I get fed up of the same old shit, year in […]

Hold on to your wheels! It’s International Dickhead Driver Day!

Motorists all over the world are bracing themselves for International Dickhead Driver Day. Dickhead drivers all over the world will be tail-gating, cutting people up and pulling out in front of other people. One motorist told Grumpy Fuckers: “I can’t wait. I drive like a dickhead all the time and I can’t wait to be […]

PROVEN: Women fart glitter that sound like unicorn’s laughter and smell like rainbows

A university has finally proven that women don’t fart – they shoot tiny puffs of glitter that sound like unicorn’s laughter and smell like rainbows. Women’s farts have been the subject of debate since Shirley Bassey accidentally let one rip during a live performance at the Royal Variety Show. Spokesperson for Farting Women told Grumpy […]

Woman ‘gutted’ to discover Facebook notification was just a Candy Crush invitation from an irrelevant person

A woman has told Grumpy Fuckers that she felt ‘gutted’ when she recently discovered that a Facebook notification was nothing more than a Candy Crush request from an irrelevant person. Sandy WideFace received the Facebook notification overnight. She clicked on it as soon as she woke up, thinking that someone had commented on a photo […]

Porn film banned for ‘falsely portraying plumber turning up when he said he would’

A porn film has been banned for portraying plumbers as people who turn up on time. The film, which features Dennis ‘ThunderRod’ Muggins as The Plumber, was made in 2010 by the now defunct Welsh porn company, Tits and Sheep. But the UK government has taken the unprecedented step of banning the film, as it […]

Rescue workers recover 643 bodies after 2-seater plane crashes into cemetery

Rescue workers have recovered 643 bodies after a 2-seater plane crashed into a cemetery. The Cessna aircraft hit a Chinese lantern and crashed. Rescue workers cordoned off the cemetery where the plane came down and are still recovering bodies. Rescue worker Glynne ThickHead said: “I was eating my tea when I heard the crash. We […]

Police given new powers to beat holy shit out of motorists who don’t indicate

Police are to be given new powers to beat the shit out of motorists who don’t indicate. The Government announced the new measures to cut down on the amount of arseholes who think that every other motorist knows where they are intending to go. Government spokeswoman Tina Tightarse told Grumpy Fuckers: “They’ve facking dickheads. They […]

Men to get free evening classes to learn how to put things back once they’ve used them

Men are set to get free evening classes so they can learn how to put things back where they belong after they’ve used them. The Government has announced the measures for men who struggle to put things back and then get stressed when they can’t find them the next time they need them, leading to […]