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Man seizes wrong day

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A 46 year old man has seized the wrong day while trying to make his life more interesting.

Donny Dickwash was hoping to seize a Monday but seized a Tuesday instead.

He told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I never get anything right in life. Nothing. I once married a woman and it was only three months into the marriage that I realised that she had a cock. Only last week, I was driving down the road and the guy in the car in front chucked out a plum. For some reason, I thought it was a hand grenade so I swerved to avoid getting blown up and crashed into a petrol station, which blew up. I thought I’d try and add some positivity to my life after seeing a motivational picture that my friend had put on Facebook. The picture said ‘Seize The Day!’ so I did. Sadly for me, I seized a Tuesday when I was hoping for a Monday. I really am thick as shit.”

Donny said that he realises now why he hasn’t got any friends.

“I’m just a complete failure and that’s fine with me because that’s what my Mum always used to tell me so it sorta fits.”

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Get ready for International Grumpy Fuckers Day – Wednesday 28th February

Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Wednesday 28th February.

The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day.

One grumpy fucker said:




“Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day in my life. The first thing I do when I get up in the morning is moan to myself about how shit my life is. I then go downstairs and make myself a shit cup of coffee. I head off to work about 8am and then spend the day working with arseholes. After that, I come back home, make myself a shit dinner and go to bed. That’s it. That’s my life.”

Another fucker said:

“Meh. Just get out of my face, fucker.”

International Grumpy Fucker Day was first celebrated in 2007. It’s been celebrated every year since because that’s how often annual events are celebrated.

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Mother successfully stabs straw into Capri Sun drinks pouch

A mother of two has successfully stabbed a straw into a Capri Sun drink pouch.

Sheila Largecalves couldn’t believe her eyes after managing to stick the pointy bit of the straw into the tiny fucking silver hole.

She told GrumpyFuckers:




“You should have seen the look on the faces of my kids. They couldn’t believe their eyes when they saw me do it. At first, they thought I was having a laugh but when they saw that I’d actually managed to get the pointy bit into the silver circle, their jaws just dropped. Even I had to look twice to make sure. Those holes are tighter than a mouse’s arsehole – I think they’ve been specifically designed that way to make us mothers swear a bit more than we should. I wanted to take a photo of my successful insertion but my greedy fat kid snatched the drink off me and drank it.”

Sheila’s friend Debbie Wondergunt said:

“I’ve never seen that happen before. And I don’t think I ever will again. Not in my lifetime. What a time to be alive!”

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Get ready for Grumpy Fuckers Day – Tuesday 23rd January

Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Tuesday 23rd January.

The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day.

One grumpy fucker said:




“Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day in my life. The first thing I do when I get up in the morning is moan to myself about how shit my life is. I then go downstairs and make myself a shit cup of coffee. I head off to work about 8am and then spend the day working with arseholes. After that, I come back home, make myself a shit dinner and go to bed. That’s it. That’s my life.”

Another fucker said:

“Meh. Just get out of my face, fucker.”

International Grumpy Fucker Day was first celebrated in 2007. It’s been celebrated every year since because that’s how often annual events are celebrated.

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World looks forward to another shit year

Nations across the world are waiting in anticipation of the arrival of another shit year.

With 2017 fizzling out like a disappointing fart, people are now looking forward to the shitfest that will be 2018.

Keith Watercloset of the Grumpy Fuckers Events Committee said:

“2017 was a total load of bollocks. Just when we thought that things couldn’t get any worse, 2017 comes along like a massive arsehole. We will be celebrating seeing the end of 2017 and welcoming in 2018, pretending that things are going to be better for some reason. They won’t of course. If anything, 2018 will be a bigger load of bollocks than all the previous years put together.”

Grumpy Fucker Frank Bellend said:

“I’m not sure what’s worse – seeing goodbye to a shit year or welcoming in a new one.”

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Santa admits to being a fat, judgmental bastard

Festive favourite Santa Claus has admitted to being a fat, judgmental bastard.

Santa judges millions of small children around the world every year, leading to emotional trauma and feelings of insecurity among youngsters.

Santa came clean, telling Grumpy Fuckers:




“I’ve been doing this shit for years and it’s only recently that I’ve realised that I’ve been judging these poor kids all these years. Who am I to tell them whether they deserve toys or not? I ponce around the place, eating mince pies and putting on shitloads of weight. I think I need to come clean and admit that I’ve got some kind of problem. I’ve been to see my doctor and he told me to stop being so judgmental. I told him where to go and punched him in the face.”

One child said:

“Who is this fat fucker to judge me? I spend all my life trying to be good and as soon as I put one foot out of place, he’s there with his fat face, judging me and telling me that I’m on his naughty list. Well guess what fucker, you’re on my Shit List and you can get screwed,” said Timmy, aged 5.

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Woman forgets to take phone to the shitter

A 40 year old woman has forgotten to take her phone on her visit to the shitter.

Beverly GlumPlums resorted to reading the bottles of cleaning products under the sink after her stupid mistake.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:




“I always take my phone to the shitter. Every single time. Except for this time obvs. It wasn’t until I’d dropped my load that I realised I’d forgotten my phone. I was devastated. I really didn’t know what to do because I usually like to sit there for an hour or so looking at the crap my friends had posted on their social media. I sat looking around the bathroom for a few minutes before realising that the only thing I could read were the bottles of cleaning products. There was a bottle of bleach and also some disinfectant. I learnt lots from reading the bottles but it wasn’t the same as having my phone. After I left the shitter, I had to have a lie down. That’s how exhausting it was.”

Bev’s mum also called Bev said:

“My daughter’s a lazy waster. I want her to get off her fat arse, get herself a job and a house so she can stop shitting in my shitter.”

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PROVEN: Intelligent people are the grumpiest fuckers on earth

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Scientists have officially proved that intelligent people are the grumpiest fuckers on earth.

The study showed that those who have an IQ of 140 or more were the grumpiest fuckers known to mankind.

Professor CleverClogs who commissioned and carried out the study, told Grumpy Fuckers:




“We’ve all had an inkling that those with greater intelligence seem to be the ones who are the grumpiest. We think it’s because they realise what a shitfest this world really is. Those with less intelligence live in a sort of ignorant bubble where everything is lovely and delightful. Our study has shown that the cleverer the person, the more they realise that life sucks – and hence the grumpiness.”

One participant of the study said:

“I’m a Doctor of Human Psychology and I’ve spent many years studying humans and their relationship with each other and the world. Sadly, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s all a load of shit. This gets me down and makes me sad.”

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World dickhead population reaches critical levels

Record levels of dickheads were recorded last month, sparking fears that the world is in the midst of a dickhead epidemic.

The world saw a 14% rise in dickheads in the last month alone.

Professor Freddy Fuckface told Grumpy Fuckers:




“I’ve never seen it this bad in all my life and I’m an old fucker. I sent the boys out yesterday to collect data from across the world and when we sat down and put it all together, we were amazed. The world has never seen such a high population of dickheads. They’re everywhere – in work, at home, down the disco. Everywhere you go, you’re knee deep in dickheads. I think that we are going to have to speak to the UN about this because this is unpresidented in modern day history. And yes, I did just say unpresidented.”

The rise in dickheads has been blamed on all sorts of shit. Professor Fuckface says that there is no one reason for the rise.

“Shit happens. This generation is stuck with the most amount of dickheads the world has ever seen. That’s all there is to it.”

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World Day of Peace disrupted by a FUCKING ALARM CLOCK

The World Day of Peace has been disrupted by a fucking alarm clock.

The annual day, dedicated to peace across the globe, went tits up after a shitty alarm clock woke those observing the holiday.

One observer told Grumpy Fuckers:




“I’ve been looking forward to this day all year. It’s the only day when I can officially have a lie in and get some peace and quiet. Then what goes and happens? My fucking alarm clock goes off. I thought I’d turned the fucker off but it seems not. It’s not surprising – I was totally wankered last night to the point where I was talking shit all night long. Talk about peace – none of my friends got any. I finally climbed into bed about 3am because I’d been up singing Gloria Gaynor songs all night.”

The World Day of Peace is designed to bring peace and harmony to the world.

So far, its effect can be officially classified as ‘Fuck all’.

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Cats can speak – but choose not to

A very clever cat expert has proved that cats can actually speak but choose not to.

Cats are renowned for not giving a flying fuck about their owners or anything else for that matter.

Gary ‘Whiskers’ Fourpaws told GrumpyFuckers:




“We did some kind of experiment that was highly top secret so I can’t tell you what it entailed. But we did conclude that cats can indeed speak perfectly good English but choose not to. Whether it’s the fact that they are indifferent to any other living creature, whether it’s shyness – or in fact whether it’s just that they hate people, we’re not quite sure. When we left our cats along in a room, they chatted among themselves in perfectly good discourse. As soon as we re-entered the room, they shut the fuck up and pretended that they couldn’t speak.”

The scientists also ran experiments on dogs to see if they could talk too.

“Sadly, dogs are just thick as shit and can’t talk,” said Gary.

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Appropriate Eyebrow Education to be taught in schools

Appropriate Eyebrow Education is to be taught in schools for the first time from October.

New directives are set to warn children about the dangers of looking like a cockwomble.

A government spokeswoman said:




“Ten years ago, eyebrows weren’t a problem. The one day, a beauty technician who was having a quiet week thought up the ‘problem’ of normal eyebrows. They started telling people that their eyebrows were shit and that they needed to be sorted. Naturally, people flocked from all around the world to have their eyebrows sorted. Other beauty technicians cottoned on to the idea and started offering their brand of eyebrow treatments, often just using a permanent black marker pen. Since then, people all over the world have been colouring their faces, some of them looking like right cockwombles. Our children need to be protected against this. They need to be reminded that it’s ok to have natural eyebrows so we’re introducing this into schools.”

One pupil at a local school said:

“My mam colours in her face every day before she goes to work. I want to tell her that she looks like a cockwomble but I’m scared that she’ll take my dinner money off me.”

Classes will be rolled out across Wales from October 4th onwards.

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Police given new powers to beat shit out of parking fuckwits

The government has granted new powers to police to allow them to beat the shit out of people who can’t park their cars.

It follows months of pressure from motorists who can’t find a place to park because some other dickhead can’t park their own cars properly.

Campaigner Debbie Moany told Grumpy Fuckers:




“We are sick to the back teeth of these arseholes thinking that they can park wherever they want. We are looking forward to seeing them getting beaten within an inch of their lives. I know that some of the rozzers around here have been dying to get stuck in and now that they have clearance from the top, they’ll be round our car parks like flies around shit.”

Police officer Gary Twogunts said:

“I’ve got myself a new truncheon and I can’t wait to use it. Bring. It. On.”

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Official: 83% of the population are Coffee Sluts

A large proportion of the population would describe themselves as Coffee Sluts, according to latest figures.

The rise appears to come in response to the recent rise of fuckwits and cockwombles in society.

A spokesman for The Coffee Analysis Foundation said:




“We’ve got Coffee Sluts left, right and centre. We’ve got Coffee Sluts all over the place. Christ, I’ve even got Coffee Sluts coming out of my arse. And the rise is down to the sudden rise of fuckwits and cockwombles that have infiltrated society. Coffee has kept murder rates relatively low over the years and the fact that we are seeing more and more Coffee Sluts is testament to that fact. Coffee is literally saving the world, one mug at a time.”

One coffee drinker said:

“I loves the stuff. Can’t get enough of it. I’m at the point in my life where I’m injecting it now.”

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Dogs trained to say thanks to owners who pick up their shit

A new training regime for dogs will see dogs thanking the mugs who pick up their shit.

Unlike cats who hide their turds, dogs simply empty their bowels and fuck off to sniff things like plants and stuff.

Derek Dunce, director of Dog Owners R Mugs told Grumpy Fuckers:




“I’ve had dogs all of my life and not one of them has ever thanked me for picking up their shit. In fact, they’ve taken me for granted for so long now that it’s a joke. I’ve therefore devised a training regime so that dogs can thank us for picking up their shit. It’s a four week training course; dogs will go through some reflection on their current behaviour to begin with. We’ll then do some role playing where owners will shit on the carpet and dogs will be expected to pick it up. At the end of the four weeks, the dogs will receive a certificate and a biscuit because they’ll do anything for a biscuit. I’d like to think that the world will be a nicer place – even if dogs can’t pick up after themselves, a thank you to their owners wouldn’t go amiss.”

One dog said:

“Hey man. You bought me. You can expect to pick up my shit. I’m not going on this patronising so-called training course thanks.”

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Flat-earthers seek global following

Flat-earthers have launched a new initiative to increase their global following.

Followers of the concept say that they want to increase followers in all corners of the globe.

Chief flat-earther Billy Fuckwit told GrumpyFuckers:




“Since Neil Armstrong went to the moon, we’ve had people leaving our ranks in their tens. Of course, all of that was a load of bollocks – the earth is flat and we can prove that – just look at maps – they’re flatter than a witch’s tit. We want our reach to be truly global. We want our message to go all around the world. We want more members of our club so that we can give them membership badges. We got shitloads of them and we just can’t get rid of them.”

Critics of flat-earthers say that they are talking out of their arseholes.

“They’re just talking out of their arseholes,” said one critic.

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PROVEN: Mums are right about everyf*ckingthing

Scientists have proved the theory that mums are right about everyf*cking thing.

Children who think that they know best have been told to shut the f*ck up and listen to their mothers.

One mother told Grumpyf*ckers:




“I’ve been telling the little shits who live with me for 20 years now that I know best. Everything they’ve done, I’ve done it before and learnt from it. Take my daughter for instance. She banging this married man who told her that he’d leave his wife for her. A year down the line and what do you know? He still hasn’t left her. I’ve been telling my daughter for a whole year that this guy is a cockwomble and that she has to get rid of him. It’s only now that she’s realising that what I’ve been saying all along is right. Why don’t they just listen to what I have to say in the first place? It’d save them a lot of hassle and stress.”

One child said:

“My mum always thinks she’s right and most of the time she is. But she did say recently that Alice Cooper is still looking sexy and I don’t thinks she’s quite right about that.”

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Breakfast radio DJs told to stop being so fucking happy

Breakfast radio DJs across the country have been instructed to stop sounding so fucking happy.

Critics have complained that sounding so happy about life so early in the morning is unnatural, and should be banned.

Frank Grumblebags of the National Council of Radio Stations said:




“We’ve been having happy DJs first thing in the morning for far too long. Back in the day, I used to turn my radio on and listen to pure silence because there were no fuckers on the airwaves. Then some arsehole comes along and thinks it’s funny to be happy first thing in the morning. The annoying thing about radio is that you can’t punch the offender in the face. All you can do is turn that shit off. We are calling for a blanket ban across the country to stop these people infecting our mornings with happiness and laughter. It’s just not right.”

Brett Smiley, breakfast DJ for Shit FM said:

“I’m so happy in the mornings. I just want to make everyone else happy. After 10am when I get home though, I am a miserable fucker.”

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Silent hairdressers opens for grumpy fuckers who hate small talk

A silent hairdressers has opened for grumpy fuckers who hate small talk.

Grumpy Fuckers’ Hair Salon opened its doors yesterday and was overwhelmed by demand.

Manager Sheila Fuckwit told Grumpy Fuckers:




“We appreciate that lots of fuckers just want to come in and get their hair cut. We hate talking shit as much as the next person but a lot of the time, we feel that we have to make small talk to cover up the awkward silences. Our salon offers our guests a new experience. We don’t say a fucking word and don’t expect our guests to either. It’s this kind of bespoke yet excellent customer service that makes us stand out from the competition.”

Customers to the salon will be pleased to know that their hairdresser won’t be asking where they’re going on holiday this year.

One customer said:

“I just want to sit on my fat arse and get my shitty hair cut. This place is perfect for me.”

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Famous coffee shop changes its name to Grumpy Fuckers Covfefe Shop

World-famous coffee shop Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop has changed its name to Grumpy Fuckers Covfefe Shop in honour of Donald Trump’s now infamous tweet.

Trump was reportedly halfway through a tweet when the magic mushrooms he’d taken kicked in.

A spokesman for the White House said:




“These are the words of a true leader. People have been asking us all day what covfefe actually means – the word is Latin for great and glorious leader of the free world. It’s a word that defies meaning. Only certain people can say this word. It’s so special that it’s not even in the dictionary. You will find that our Chosen One was given this word by God himself. No ordinary man can comprehend it.”

Another spokesman said:

“Yeah Trump was off his tits. He was halfway through his tweet before he started dribbling and talking bollocks.”