Government asks BMW to recall 5 million cars after ‘indicators fail to work’

The Government has ordered BMW to recall 5 million of their cars after it was discovered that none of the indicators work on their cars. The car manufacturer has yet to respond to the request, which follows on the news that VW will have to recall some of their cars due to falsified emission tests. […]

Runner set personal best but forgets to share it on Facebook

A runner has set a personal best but stupidly, has totally forgotten to post it to Facebook. Denise Lardarse beat her previous best of 32:45 to run down the chippy and back last night. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was so excited about the bag of chips I’d just bought, I totally forgot to share […]

Man takes month off work to take delivery of wife’s internet orders

A man has taken the rest of the year off work to make sure he’s in when his wife’s internet orders arrive. Jimmy Blundergunt says that it will help his relationship as his wife always gets stressed when her deliveries go back to the Post Office. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “My job’s shit anyway so […]

Get ready for International Grumpy Fuckers Day 2018 – Monday 24th September

International-Grumpy-Fucker-Day-mashed

Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Monday 24th September. The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day. One grumpy fucker said: “Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day […]

Police get new powers to punch noisy eaters in the fucking face

noisy-eater

Police have been granted new powers to punch noisy eaters in the fucking face. Under the new laws, noisy eaters face chewing on a fist if they don’t eat quietly. A spokeswoman for the police told Grumpy Fuckers: “I hate noisy eaters. My boyfriend eats like a fucking cement mixer and I’ll be more than […]

Hospitals to start offering Intravenous Coffee Therapy

Hospitals across the nation are to start offering free Intravenous Coffee Therapy. The therapy will be offered to those who can’t do jack shit without a cup of coffee in the mornings. A spokeswoman for the new therapy initiative told Grumpy Fuckers: “Shit, I couldn’t get out of bed this morning until my fella brought […]

Vegan gets stranded on a desert island

A vegan has become stranded on a desert island after finding themselves in the middle of a moral dilemma. Les ‘The Lettuce’ Turnip is now facing the problem of what to eat, according to experts. Nutrition expert Glenda Thundergunt told GrumpyFuckers: “We are worried that Les won’t be able to bring himself to slaughter the […]

International Lazy Fuckers Day postponed until next month sometime

lazy-fucker

International Lazy Fuckers Day has been postponed until next month sometime. Organisers said that they couldn’t be arsed to arrange the annual event because it was too much hard work. Organiser Fatboy Lardarse told Grumpy Fuckers: “I woke up this afternoon and asked myself whether I really wanted all the work and hassle of arranging […]

World’s Grumpiest Husband 2018 Competition date announced

grumpy husband

The date of this year’s Grumpiest Husband Competition has been announced. Friday 20th April will be the day that polls close and a winner announced. Competition manager Clive Grimgrits told Grumpy Fuckers: “We were inundated with entries last year. We had husbands who were moaning that they didn’t get food cooked for them after a […]

Get ready for International Grumpy Fuckers Day – Wednesday 28th February

Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Wednesday 28th February. The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day. One grumpy fucker said: “Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day […]

95% of married life is shouting ‘What?’ from other rooms

Scientists have successfully concluded that 95% of married life is shouting ‘What?’ from other rooms. The other 5% of marriage is actually hearing your partner muttering ‘Doesn’t matter’ at the end of an unsuccessful room-to-room conversation. Professor Brian Bellend who headed up the survey said: “I’ve been married for 17 years now and not a […]

Mother successfully stabs straw into Capri Sun drinks pouch

A mother of two has successfully stabbed a straw into a Capri Sun drink pouch. Sheila Largecalves couldn’t believe her eyes after managing to stick the pointy bit of the straw into the tiny fucking silver hole. She told GrumpyFuckers: “You should have seen the look on the faces of my kids. They couldn’t believe […]

Get ready for Grumpy Fuckers Day – Tuesday 23rd January

Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Tuesday 23rd January. The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day. One grumpy fucker said: “Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day […]

Dear Ethel: Why is my husband such an arsehole?

Dear Ethel Why is my husband such an arsehole? Gaynor, Cardiff Dear Gaynor, It’s likely that because your husband is a man, there is a strong possibility that he will be an arsehole. Being an arsehole is such a common trait among men that the two go hand in hand quite well. It could be […]