Coffee was invented to keep workers busy until the got drunk in the evenings. That’s the claim made by a leading historian about the origins of the drink. Professor CleverClogs told GrumpyFuckers: “This shit wasn’t just discovered. It was invented in a lab by a man called Mr Coffee on behalf of the government. They […]

Two grumpy f*ckers had smiles put on their faces when they found a Pokemon living in the arsecheeks of a fat stripper. Andy and Chris, both 35, found the Pokemon after downloading the Pokemon Go app last night. Andy told GrumpyFuckers: “I’ve been a right miserable shit these last few weeks. The last thing I […]

A smelly bus passenger has sat next to the only other other passenger on a bus, despite there being 47 other empty seats available. Sandy BigMuff was travelling home from work when the smelly passenger got on. She told GrumpyFuckers: “I was happy enough sat on my own when the bus pulled over to pick […]

A builder has been deceiving the general public for seven months by keeping his tools in his van overnight, despite a sticker to the contrary. Jimmy ArseCrack, who has been a builder for 3 years, told GrumpyFuckers: “I am aware that some people like to break into vans like mine to steal tools, which they […]

A man has pretended to speak on his phone to avoid talking to someone he knew who was coming the other way. Darryl Turd was walking to work this morning when he spotted an old friend, Simon Gunt, coming towards him. Gunt told GrumpyFuckers: “I was about to say hello when his phone apparently rang […]

A call for a ban on male porn stars wearing their socks while having sex has been made by an industry pressure group. We Want Sex, Not Sox has called for the complete ban of porn stars wearing socks while sticking their bits inside other people’s bits. Spokesman Glenda Slackflaps told GrumpyFuckers: “We see the […]

A man who spent his entire life working to pay his bills has died. Jimmy Waster started work at the age of 15 and has worked most days since. He was 62 when he died. His wife Janice said: “He spent his entire life working to pay the bills. I can’t think of one thing […]

Putting a duvet cover on has officially replaced divorce as the world’s most stressful life event. The news won’t come as a shock to many who struggle weekly with putting the fucking thing on. Student Jimmy Foureyes told GrumpyFuckers: “I’ve been through a lot of shit in my life already but nothing compares to the […]

For dog owners, dog farts are an all-out assault on the senses. The smell can overwhelm a fully-grown rhino and in some cases, people have lost vision for 24 hours after a particularly bad one. The worst thing about them is that they come so unexpectedly, like some sneaky ninja creeping up behind you and […]

A man has invented a time machine so that he can go back 20 years and tell himself to stop being such a dick. Father-of-two Gary Glumchops built the machine after finding letters he’d written go girls, asking them to come round to his house to sit on his face. Gary told GrumpyFuckers: “Back in […]

Former internet star Bill the Stickman has revealed that he is in the grip of a deep depression since his fall from popularity. Bill, whose real name is Bill, was an internet hit earlier this year but has recently lost form and is now barely referred to on social media. He told GrumpyFuckers: “Since February, […]

This year’s Steak and Blowjob Day passed quietly for vegetarian lesbians. The day, celebrated as a ‘man’s holiday’ on March 14th, is traditionally celebrated by women providing steaks and blowjobs. Vegetarian lesbian Ali BigNork told GrumpyFuckers: “You really think I’d like to eat a chunk of cow that’s been dead for days and then follow […]

A new range of coffee has been launched for people who don’t like mornings. Grumpy Fuckers Coffee follows after the successful launch of Grumpy Fuckers Coffee shop in Cardiff. Manager Clive GrimGrits told GrumpyFuckers: “Our shop has become the number one tourist destination here in Wales since we opened last year. Every morning, we get […]