Coffee was invented to keep workers busy until the got drunk in the evenings.
That’s the claim made by a leading historian about the origins of the drink.
Professor CleverClogs told GrumpyFuckers:
“This shit wasn’t just discovered. It was invented in a lab by a man called Mr Coffee on behalf of the government. They were sick and tired of their workers coming into work and doing jack shit. They needed something that would give them a massive kick up the arse – and something that would keep them addicted. Alcohol was their way of getting through the nights but there was something missing – something lacking during the daytime. These days of course, people drink enough coffee in a year to float the QE2. Meanwhile, Mr Coffee is sunning his peachy arse on a beach in Bermuda – toasting the success of his invention.”
A spokesman for Coffee Addicts Anonymous added:
“I think the fucker’s right, you know.”