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New ruling says two-faced friends ‘should get bitch-slapped twice’

A new ruling by the International Court has deemed that two-faced friends should be bitch-slapped twice – one for each face.

The new ruling is designed to provide victims of two-faced fuckers with some retribution.

A spokesman for the International Court told GrumpyFuckers:

“We’ve all been on the receiving end of some two-faced twat. This new ruling will allow victims to bitch-slap the offender twice. We have not set any limits on how hard these slaps can be, or indeed, how many times they can be delivered. The aim of this new ruling is to persuade people to be true to themselves and not to say one thing to one person and another thing to another.”

Campaigner Jimmy Fuckface added:

“This is a great day for justice. It means I can now pay a visit to all the two-faced twats and give them a good smack in the fact, not once – but twice. There is a God!”

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Man accidentally discovers the one thing that’s guaranteed to turn a woman on

A man has discovered the Holy Grail of the human psyche – the one thing that turns every woman on.

George ‘George’ Simpleton made the discovery by accident when after he had ordered a takeaway from his local Chinese. He told GrumpyFuckers:

“I’d cleaned the kitchen before we had takeout but after we’d eaten, there were a few dirty dishes on the side. At about 10.30pm, Donald Trump came on telly and I can’t watch him on telly without punching someone in the face so I went out to the kitchen and cleaned up the rest of the dishes. That was that – until the following morning when the missis got up, went downstairs to let the dog out for a shit. A few minutes later, she came back up the stairs, all gooey-eyed and wearing one of those pink neglecteds. She looked like she was modelling for scatter cushions.

“I got scared because I’d never seen her like this before. Then she pounced on me and played my pink oboe for ten minutes before sitting on my face and pretending she was John Wayne. By the time I’d finished with her, she was walking like him – and all because she went downstairs in the morning to a clean kitchen. I’ll be doing those dishes again tonight, that’s for sure.”

Wife Brenda wasn’t available for comment as she was too busy recovering from her mammoth session to say anything.

George is hoping to write a book about his secret and make a bit of money from it

“I’m hoping to write a book about my secret and make a bit of money from it.” he said.

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Men to receive free evening classes to decipher women’s non-verbal cues

Men are to receive free evening classes to help them decipher women’s non-verbal cues.

The announcement was made today by some guy from the government. He told GrumpyFuckers:

“Us lads have no idea what women mean when they say stuff. Last night, my missis told me that I was a fat, overpaid twat. I found out later that she was really saying ‘Can I have a hug please?’ It’s this kind of thing that lads across the world get confused about – women say one thing but mean another.”

The news has been welcomed by some of the boys down the local bar. Sid FourEyes said that the classes would help him understand women better.

“I came home last night to find my wife standing in the kitchen. She looked very upset and when I asked her what the matter was, she told me that she’d had a tough day at work and that she wanted a divorce. I later found out that she just wanted me to wash the dishes. All she had to do was ask me and I would have done them. As it is, I’m now divorced. Anyone want to go on a date with me.”

Housewife Sammy Slackflaps reacted to the news by saying:

“I need to take my dog out for a walk.” (SUBTITLES: I’m going to get my hair done. Can you keep an eye on the potatoes please?)

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Wife who told husband not to buy anything for her birthday disappointed that husband didn’t buy anything for her birthday

A woman who specifically told her husband not to buy her anything for her birthday has told of her disappointment that her husband didn’t buy her anything for her birthday.

Joan ‘Joan’ Strumpet, 39, told her husband not to spend any money on her birthday but to put it towards a holiday. Husband Dean didn’t buy anything, leaving Joan feeling disappointed.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:

“When I told him that I didn’t want anything for my birthday, I was kind of hoping that he read between the lines and went out and bought something. When I said that I didn’t want anything, I did of course mean that I would have liked something. It didn’t have to be anything super-expensive, but just something that showed a little bit of thought. As it is, he’s bought fuck all, making my birthday an absolutely shit one.”

Husband Dean added:

“I’m mightily confused. I thought that when she said not to buy anything, that she meant not to buy anything. She did the same last night when I asked her if she wanted anything from the shop. She said ‘no’ and then kicked off that I hadn’t bought her chocolate.”

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