Scientists at a lab in Switzerland have concluded that drinking too much coffee can make you smell colours. Professor Hanz Cleverclogs announced his findings in a coffee shop this morning. He told awaiting members of the public. “We first started testing this theory on monkeys but they drank all the coffee and were then unable […]
Motorists across the world are preparing to drive like arseholes ahead of International Drive Like a Dickhead Day this Monday. The day allows drivers to drive like complete arseholes, angering other normal motorists. Darren Dickface of the Arsehole Drivers Association told Grumpy Fuckers: “I can’t wait! I’ve been practising my driving all week in anticipation […]
The 2019 Grumpy Fuckers Awareness week has been launched at a shitty coffee shop in Wales. This year’s Grumpy Fuckers Awareness Week takes place from 5th-11th August, and will include several days of fuckers of moping around with a face like a slapped arse. Organiser Clive Grimgrits, who also manages Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop in […]
Police are to be given new powers to taser people who use apostrophes incorrectly. The Government says that it’s had enough of that shit and wants to clamp down immediately. A spokesman for the Government said: “We’ve had enough of this shit. Everywhere we go, we see apostrophes being used in the wrong context. It […]
Comedians all over the world are ready to crack their annual May the Fourth jokes. The japesters are itching to point out that May 4th sounds like something that would have been said in a Star Wars film. One comedian told Grumpy Fuckers: “I do it every year. I am soooooo funny. I get so […]
A man has filed for divorce after she hung a Live Laugh Love sign at their home. Charlie Bigbollocks said that it was the last straw after she’d also put up another sign that read ‘You’ve Got This’. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve never heard such a load of shit in my life. I can’t […]
A nightclub has banned comedy eyebrows after complaints by members of the public. The Jurassic Park nightclub introduced the ban to stop some youngsters scaring the shit out of older guests. Manager Mark Fatberg told Grumpy Fuckers: “They are pretty scary to look at to be honest and they seem to have got worse over […]
Gin coolers are to be installed in workplaces in an effort to make work more bearable. A trial at an office in Cardiff saw productivity rise by 500%, with office workers laughing and singing their way through the day. Office manager Mary Dangleberry told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’re always looking at ways to make our workplaces […]
A new Government directive will give new powers to police to clamp down on people who are too happy in the mornings. Police will soon be able to taser happy morning people straight in the face from next month. A spokesman for the Police Federation told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve all had enough of this happy-in-the-morning […]
Grumpy Fuckers all over the world are staging protests at today’s International Day of Happiness. Some grumpy fuckers are refusing to get out of bed while others are moping around with faces like slapped arses in protest of the day. Clive Grimgrits, who runs Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop said: “What a shower of shit. We […]
A woman has burnt 600 calories talking about her new diet. Weightwatcher Gladys Thunderbuns said that the new diet replaces the old diet that she was doing last week. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “Last week’s diet was rubbish. I was on it three days and only lost half an ounce. This new diet is wonderful. […]
Scientists have scientifically proven that dog farts can kill a small family. The scientists collected a collection of dog farts and unleashed them in a small room. Paramedics managed to save the family just in time. Professor Harry Bighead told Grumpy Fuckers: “We all know the power of the dog fart but we wanted to […]
An angry driver has managed to fit 34 curse words into one single sentence. Karl Wetcleft came out with the record-breaking outburst when some fucker pulled out in front of him quickly and then drove very slowly. Wetcleft told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was driving down the fucking street like I normally fucking do when this […]
The 2019 Grumpy Fuckers Awareness week has been launched at a shitty coffee shop in Wales. This year’s Grumpy Fuckers Awareness Week takes place from 6th-13th February, and will include several days of fuckers of moping around with a face like a slapped arse. Organiser Clive Grimgrits, who also manages Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop in […]
A woman has been branded a psycho after actually using a set of drawers in a hotel. Eileen Jibbergunt left items in the drawer that’s usually reserved for fuck all. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “I thought I’d use the hotel drawers to put things in. They were there and I had things to put in […]
A newly-married husband is divorcing his wife after discovering that his wife makes piss-poor cups of coffee. Haydn Fatarse married his wife Glenys just two months ago. But after she handed him a mug of what he described as ‘elephant spunk’, Haydn called his solicitor and requested a divorce. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “It had […]
A pet dog has told Grumpy Fuckers that he’s convinced that he owns the street he lives on. Rover the dog barks at any other animal or human that dares pass outside his house. Rover told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was born to own this street. This street is mine. Any other bastard comes past my […]
People who do stuff primarily with their left hands have been told to grow the fuck up. It is estimated that 100% of left-handers only do so to piss other people off. Arthur TwoPorches, President of the Right-Handed Hand Group, told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve put up with these idiots for years. Going around, doing stuff […]
Police have been given new powers to taser people who whistle no tune in particular. People who whistle nothing in particular have become one of the world’s most annoying fuckers. A spokesman for the police force told Grumpy Fuckers: “These people are the scum of the earth. They go about their day, whistling any old […]
