Jehovah’s Witnesses call for ban on door-knocking Trick or Treaters


Jehovah’s Witnesses have called for a full and immediate ban on Trick or Treaters. They say that they don’t appreciate strangers knocking on their front doors and threatening them with fire and brimstone if they don’t conform to what they say. One Jehovah’s Witness said: “I was in bed the other day. It was my first […]

Husband divorces wife after discovering she irons their socks

A husband has filed for divorce after finding out that his wife has been ironing their socks. Eric Bigballs said that he would never have married his wife Natalie had he known she ironed the socks. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “Our socks were always immaculately crease-free and I don’t know why I ever noticed it. […]

Shit handwriting linked to higher intelligence


People with shit handwriting have been told that it’s possible that they have a higher-than-average IQ. Boffins at a local university have told Grumpy Fuckers that people whose handwriting is shit are more likely to be clever. Professor Timmy CleverClogs told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve all seen those doctors’ prescriptions and I can’t read those for […]

New Year’s Eve cancelled because it’s shit

New Year’s Eve has been cancelled worldwide – because it’s shit. The annual event traditionally sees millions of people wasting time and money on the big non-event. Authorities say that NYE will be cancelled for the foreseeable. The local mayor told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve been saying this shit for years – New Year’s Eve is […]

87% population in a ‘serious’ relationship with coffee


A recent survey has shown that 87% of the world’s population is in a serious relationship with coffee. Participants of the survey said that they’d rather have a serious relationship with coffee than a human being. One coffee-lover told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve found that I hate most people because they’re dickheads. I’d much rather have […]

WHO recognises 4pm as the new official Wine O’Clock

The World Health Organisation has today announced that 4pm is the universal Wine O’Clock. The organisation said that 4pm is now the most popular time to start getting shit-faced. Lionel DeBlair, spokesman for the WHO, told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve been collecting data from all over the world and after we’ve crunched all the figures, we’ve […]

Woman accidentally leans on phone, inputs 16 digit card number in the correct order and buys new shoes

A woman has accidentally bought herself a new pair of shoes after leaning on her phone. Thelma BendyLegs sat on her phone while watching a wildlife show on telly – and happened to accidentally input all of her 16 credit card numbers, her expiry date and her security number – all in the correct order. […]

Get ready for Grumpy Fuckers Day – Monday 25th May

Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Monday 25th May. The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day. One grumpy fucker said: “Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day […]

Man has underpants surgically removed after wearing them for 13 years

A 54 year-old man has had his underpants surgically removed after he had worn them for 13 consecutive years. Brian CrispyGrits underwent the procedure after his wife threatened to divorce him if he didn’t change them. Brian told Grumpy Fuckers: “They were my comfy ones so I liked to wear them every day. But then […]