Jehovah’s Witnesses have called for a full and immediate ban on Trick or Treaters. They say that they don’t appreciate strangers knocking on their front doors and threatening them with fire and brimstone if they don’t conform to what they say. One Jehovah’s Witness said: “I was in bed the other day. It was my first […]
A husband has filed for divorce after finding out that his wife has been ironing their socks. Eric Bigballs said that he would never have married his wife Natalie had he known she ironed the socks. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “Our socks were always immaculately crease-free and I don’t know why I ever noticed it. […]
People with shit handwriting have been told that it’s possible that they have a higher-than-average IQ. Boffins at a local university have told Grumpy Fuckers that people whose handwriting is shit are more likely to be clever. Professor Timmy CleverClogs told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve all seen those doctors’ prescriptions and I can’t read those for […]
New Year’s Eve has been cancelled worldwide – because it’s shit. The annual event traditionally sees millions of people wasting time and money on the big non-event. Authorities say that NYE will be cancelled for the foreseeable. The local mayor told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve been saying this shit for years – New Year’s Eve is […]
A recent survey has shown that 87% of the world’s population is in a serious relationship with coffee. Participants of the survey said that they’d rather have a serious relationship with coffee than a human being. One coffee-lover told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve found that I hate most people because they’re dickheads. I’d much rather have […]
The World Health Organisation has today announced that 4pm is the universal Wine O’Clock. The organisation said that 4pm is now the most popular time to start getting shit-faced. Lionel DeBlair, spokesman for the WHO, told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve been collecting data from all over the world and after we’ve crunched all the figures, we’ve […]
A woman has accidentally bought herself a new pair of shoes after leaning on her phone. Thelma BendyLegs sat on her phone while watching a wildlife show on telly – and happened to accidentally input all of her 16 credit card numbers, her expiry date and her security number – all in the correct order. […]
A man has sold his homing pigeons for the 47th time this year after the birds repeatedly returned home. Every time Darryl Twosheds drops his pigeons off to the buyer, he returns to find the fuckers back home. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “I bought these homing pigeons because nobody likes me and I thought I’d […]
Superstar rapper Kanye West has promised to stop singing if he claims the White House this November. It means that the singer has suddenly become a serious presidential candidate as a result of the pledge. A spokeswoman for Mr West told Grumpy Fuckers: “It’s true. I spoke to Mr West himself this morning as he […]
Grumpy Fuckers across the world are demanding that social distancing rules should remain in place so that they don’t have to talk to anyone in the future. Grumpy Fuckers have been quietly pleased with the social distancing rules as it has meant that they can keep the fuck away from other fuckers. Gary TwoSheds, President […]
A studio in Hollywood has announced that it is to turn the year 2020 into a disaster movie. The movie will come with the tagline ‘When you thought things couldn’t get any worse, it just did’. Studio boss Danny SquareEyes told Grumpy Fuckers: “I distinctly remember wishing my friends and family a happy 2020 on […]
Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Monday 25th May. The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day. One grumpy fucker said: “Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day […]
Dear Ethel I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t driven more than 5 miles down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to […]
Finding myself in lockdown and having fuck all to do, I thought I’d go through some of my old film collection and see what I had there. As the world’s most eminent movie critic, it’s all too easy to focus on the new releases. But as they’ve all dried up, it always worth going through […]
Dear Ethel Why does my wife make shit coffee? Sheila, London Dear Sheila, Not everyone can make a nice cup of coffee and I would suggest that your wife either bucks up her ideas pretty pronto or leaves the family home. Life is too short to make shit coffee and this so-called wife of yours […]
A dickhead neighbour has mown his lawn at 7.30am on a Saturday. Residents hoping for a nice lie-in were woken by Alan Dupper and his Qualcast 125cc push petrol rotary lawnmower. Alan told Grumpy Fuckers: “My lawn needed doing so I got up early so that I could then spend the rest of the day […]
A woman has spent three hours doing her hair nice so that she can go and buy a loaf of bread. Emily Triplebelly washed it, blow-dried it and styled it in order to go and buy herself a small bloomer. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “I don’t get out much these days so it’s nice to […]
Vibrators across the world have been asking their owners for some time out. The phallic funboys have been in constant demand since the lockdown started, but many are now experiencing burnout. One dildo told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’m used to working once, maybe twice a week. This week, I’ve put in 17 shifts, including 7 in […]
A 54 year-old man has had his underpants surgically removed after he had worn them for 13 consecutive years. Brian CrispyGrits underwent the procedure after his wife threatened to divorce him if he didn’t change them. Brian told Grumpy Fuckers: “They were my comfy ones so I liked to wear them every day. But then […]
A woman in self-isolation has successfully watched everything on Netflix. Ethel LardArse says that she’s now moving on to YouTube, and hopes to complete that too by the end of the month. She told Grumpy Fuckers. “The big boss man told us that we’ve all got to stay indoors in case we get the virus. […]