45% women secretly use their fella’s beard trimmers to mow their lady gardens

A staggering 45% of the female population secretly use their boyfriend or husband’s beard trimmers to trim their muffters. Researchers found that a further 76% fail to wash the trimmer before returning back to the bathroom cupboard. Brian Bellend who conducted the survey, told Grumpy Fuckers: “We are both shocked and amused that women do […]

New T-shirt campaign aims to tackle social distancing assholes

A new T-shirt campaign has been launched to alert social distancing assholes to back the fuck off. The new T-shirts tell the assholes to back away, reminding them to keep 6 feet away from the wearer. Gilly Underfumble, who created the T-shirts told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’m sick of walking down the street and coming across […]

‘If you lost weight, you’d be a stunner’ declared NOT a compliment

The phrase ‘If you lost weight, you’d be a stunner’ has been deemed NOT a compliment by a panel of experts. The phrase is often proffered by over-confident men as a way of attempted seduction. Panel expert Jody Strongthighs told Grumpy Fuckers: “As women, we often hear this phrase and it’s often dished out by […]

Man imprisoned for playing Christmas music in his car in November

A man has been imprisoned for 3 months for playing Christmas music in his car. Police said that Graham Smoothballs was ‘playing a ridiculous Christmas CD in his car when it’s only November’. PC Billy Twoporches told Grumpy Fuckers: “Our boys were out on patrol when this dickhead drove past with his windows down, playing […]

Man avoids emotional breakdowns by not having any emotions

A 50-year-old man has avoided having emotional breakdowns throughout his life by not having any emotions. Tony Bigballs said that having no emotions made life a lot easier for him. He said: “I see friends and they’re running around like lunatics all day. They’re tired, they’re stressy and worst of all, they’re emotional. They go […]

Police given new powers to taser next person to ask ‘All ready for Christmas?’

Local police have been given emergency new powers to taser anyone who asks ‘All ready for Christmas?’ Thousands of people are expected to fall foul of the new law, which takes place with immediate effect. PC Plod of the Police Force Federation told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve been overwhelmed by the amount of people asking this […]

Happiness an ‘over-rated’ emotion

The emotion of happiness has been officially classified as ‘over-rated’. Over 3,000 Grumpy Fuckers were questioned about happiness, and nearly 97% said it was over-rated. One Grumpy Fucker said: “I spent my whole life chasing happiness and it was only just as I’m nearing the end of my life that I’ve realised that I was […]

World Peace Day ruined by asshole with a lawnmower

World Peace Day has officially been ruined by an asshole with a lawnmower. Local residents were woken at 7.30 this morning by Jimmy Dickface, who was mowing his lawn. One resident told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was resting in bed because I’d been up late last night sitting on my husband’s face. I thought I’d be […]

University offers qualification in being a Grumpy Fucker


A university in London is now offering people to be a fully qualified Grumpy Fucker. The University of Farkin Larden will be offering the 3-year course from 2020. Professor Henry Scrote told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve often seen amateur Grumpy Fuckers around the world but we are now offering the chance to actually obtain some accreditation […]

Arsehole sits through entire movie pointing out differences to the book

An arsehole has spent an entire movie pointing out the differences between the movie and the book. Glen Shitface sat through the 2010 version of Alice in Wonderland and pointed out every single difference between that and Lewis Carroll’s book. His wife Glenda said: “I’m never going to watch a film with him again. The […]

Government set up National Cockwomble Register

The government is to set up a National Cockwomble register to allow authorities to keep track of their activities. Registered cockwombles will be subject to a range of restrictions, including being allowed out in the daytime and night time. A spokesman for the government told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve been calling for this register for many […]

Drinking too much coffee can make you smell colours

Scientists at a lab in Switzerland have concluded that drinking too much coffee can make you smell colours. Professor Hanz Cleverclogs announced his findings in a coffee shop this morning. He told awaiting members of the public. “We first started testing this theory on monkeys but they drank all the coffee and were then unable […]

Motorists ready for International Drive Like a Dickhead Day


Motorists across the world are preparing to drive like arseholes ahead of International Drive Like a Dickhead Day this Monday. The day allows drivers to drive like complete arseholes, angering other normal motorists. Darren Dickface of the Arsehole Drivers Association told Grumpy Fuckers: “I can’t wait! I’ve been practising my driving all week in anticipation […]

Get ready for Grumpy Fuckers Awareness Week!

GF Awareness Week

The 2019 Grumpy Fuckers Awareness week has been launched at a shitty coffee shop in Wales. This year’s Grumpy Fuckers Awareness Week takes place from 5th-11th August, and will include several days of fuckers of moping around with a face like a slapped arse. Organiser Clive Grimgrits, who also manages Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop in […]

Police given new powers to taser people who use inappropriate apostrophe’s

Police are to be given new powers to taser people who use apostrophes incorrectly. The Government says that it’s had enough of that shit and wants to clamp down immediately. A spokesman for the Government said: “We’ve had enough of this shit. Everywhere we go, we see apostrophes being used in the wrong context. It […]