Category Archives: Uncategorized

Police given new powers to taser people who whistle non-tunes

Police have been given new powers to taser people who whistle no tune in particular. People who whistle nothing in particular have become one of the world’s most annoying fuckers. A spokesman for the police force told Grumpy Fuckers: “These people are the scum of the earth. They go about their day, whistling any old […]

Man goes another day without using the algebra he learnt at school

A 32 year-old worker has spent another day not using the algebra he was taught at school. Neville Dickforbrains spent three years learning algebra at school before getting himself a job as a council worker. To date, he has spent 14 year and 3 months not using mathematical symbols and the rules for manipulating these […]

Male version Alexa ‘doesn’t listen to a word you say’

A new ‘male’ version of Amazon’s virtual assistant Alexa has been met with poor reviews following complaints that the device doesn’t listen to a word anyone’s saying. Housewives across the country have been left frustrated with the device, commonly known as Alex, that only seems to light up and respond when there’s a mention of […]

Libraries move ‘Post Apocalyptic Fiction’ books to ‘Non-Fiction’ shelves


Libraries across the country have moved the entire contents of their Post Apocalyptic Fiction shelves to that of Non-Fiction. The reclassification follows a shitfest of a year that’s seen the world change as we know it. One head librarian told Grumpy Fuckers: “We always thought that the books in the Post Apocalyptic Fiction section were […]

Jehovah’s Witnesses call for ban on door-knocking Trick or Treaters


Jehovah’s Witnesses have called for a full and immediate ban on Trick or Treaters. They say that they don’t appreciate strangers knocking on their front doors and threatening them with fire and brimstone if they don’t conform to what they say. One Jehovah’s Witness said: “I was in bed the other day. It was my first […]

Husband divorces wife after discovering she irons their socks

A husband has filed for divorce after finding out that his wife has been ironing their socks. Eric Bigballs said that he would never have married his wife Natalie had he known she ironed the socks. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “Our socks were always immaculately crease-free and I don’t know why I ever noticed it. […]

Shit handwriting linked to higher intelligence


People with shit handwriting have been told that it’s possible that they have a higher-than-average IQ. Boffins at a local university have told Grumpy Fuckers that people whose handwriting is shit are more likely to be clever. Professor Timmy CleverClogs told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve all seen those doctors’ prescriptions and I can’t read those for […]

New Year’s Eve cancelled because it’s shit

New Year’s Eve has been cancelled worldwide – because it’s shit. The annual event traditionally sees millions of people wasting time and money on the big non-event. Authorities say that NYE will be cancelled for the foreseeable. The local mayor told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve been saying this shit for years – New Year’s Eve is […]

‘If you lost weight, you’d be a stunner’ declared NOT a compliment

The phrase ‘If you lost weight, you’d be a stunner’ has been deemed NOT a compliment by a panel of experts. The phrase is often proffered by over-confident men as a way of attempted seduction. Panel expert Jody Strongthighs told Grumpy Fuckers: “As women, we often hear this phrase and it’s often dished out by […]

Refuse lorries ‘swore and threatened pedestrians’ while reversing

A council has been left red-faced after the vehicle reverse alarm on several of its refuse collecting lorries swore at and threatened pedestrians. Five lorries told shoppers to ‘Get out of the way you fat bastard. I’ll break your legs. Get out of the way you fat bastard. I’ll break your legs,” when put into […]

Woman jailed after performing ‘DIY colonic irrigations with Mr Muscle Sink Unblocker and plunger’

A woman who was performing DIY colonic irrigation with liquid sink unblocker and a plunger in her kitchen, has been jailed for three days. Wendy Shitehouse, who was offering her own unique colonic irrigation using Mr Muscle sink unblocker, was sentenced after the court heard that she was offering a ‘full clear out for a […]