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‘If you lost weight, you’d be a stunner’ declared NOT a compliment

The phrase ‘If you lost weight, you’d be a stunner’ has been deemed NOT a compliment by a panel of experts.

The phrase is often proffered by over-confident men as a way of attempted seduction.

Panel expert Jody Strongthighs told Grumpy Fuckers:

“As women, we often hear this phrase and it’s often dished out by men who are either too short, too hairy, too bald or just stink of piss. Their belief is that they are offering some kind of constructive criticism but that’s not how it’s being received. Men think that the woman has to do all the hard work of losing weight to assuage the man’s desire to look at someone smaller. But we got a few of our experts around and we’ve decided that this is not the compliment that some men think it is.”

One woman said:

“One guy said this to me last night. I told him that if he was taller, had more hair on his head and less on his back, and if that he didn’t stink of piss, I might consider talking to him. He left shortly afterwards.”

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Refuse lorries ‘swore and threatened pedestrians’ while reversing

A council has been left red-faced after the vehicle reverse alarm on several of its refuse collecting lorries swore at and threatened pedestrians.

Five lorries told shoppers to ‘Get out of the way you fat bastard. I’ll break your legs. Get out of the way you fat bastard. I’ll break your legs,” when put into reverse gear.

Council spokesman, Darren Greysuit told Grumpy Fuckers:




“We’ve had reports that several of our refuse collection lorries have been swearing at shoppers. We are investigating the matter but I’m convinced it was a former employee of ours, Craig Tightnuts, who is behind this. He got sacked last week for photocopying his arse and we know he’s the guy who looks after the reverse alarms on our lorries. If I find him, I’ll be breaking HIS legs.”

Shoppers were alarmed at the reverse alarms. Doreen Trolleybird told Grumpy Fuckers:

“Normally them things are pretty polite and ask me nicely to move out the way. This was way over the top. I was left emotionally scarred.”

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Woman jailed after performing ‘DIY colonic irrigations with Mr Muscle Sink Unblocker and plunger’

A woman who was performing DIY colonic irrigation with liquid sink unblocker and a plunger in her kitchen, has been jailed for three days.

Wendy Shitehouse, who was offering her own unique colonic irrigation using Mr Muscle sink unblocker, was sentenced after the court heard that she was offering a ‘full clear out for a tenner and a few beers’.

Sentencing Shitehouse, Judge Crustynob said:



“You clearly knew what you were doing when you advertised your services in the local Post Office. You forced these people to drink Mr Muscle liquid sink unblocker against their will. Thanks to you, some of your customers are now suffering from chronic ring sting. You are an evil, wicked woman.”

But friends of Shitehouse were dismayed at the verdict. Mandy Wondergunt said:

“She used to offer colonic for just a fiver but since the jet washer broke the hose pipe, she’s had to think up new ways to offer her customers a service. I think she’s a local hero. This government should be ashamed of itself.”

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Woman rushes home from work to do fuck all at home

A woman has rushed home from work to do fuck all at home.

Hattie Gammon managed to get home in record time in order to sit on her arsehole and do nothing.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:



“I can’t wait to get out of work. I hate it. The best part of going to work is coming home again and on Friday, I just needed to get home asap. I left at 6pm on the fucking dot, got in my car and drove like a fucking loon. I was home in record time and when I got in, I did fuck all. It was amazing. I just sat there and did absolutely nothing. It was the best feeling in the world.”

Hattie also did very little over the weekend.

“I just sat around doing fuck all for most of it,” she said. “Sometimes, that’s all a girl wants and I’m glad I rushed home on Friday so I had more time to do fuck all.”

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