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Male version Alexa ‘doesn’t listen to a word you say’

A new ‘male’ version of Amazon’s virtual assistant Alexa has been met with poor reviews following complaints that the device doesn’t listen to a word anyone’s saying.

Housewives across the country have been left frustrated with the device, commonly known as Alex, that only seems to light up and respond when there’s a mention of blow jobs.

One Alex user told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I bought one because I wanted a man around the house. I wanted him to just to listen to me but the more I spoke to him, the more he’d shut down and not respond. The more I spoke, the more he’d stop working. In the end, I mentioned the phrase ‘blow job’ and as soon as I’d said it, he lit up and started responding. If I need him to do anything, I just offer him sexual favours and he does what I want. I even asked it to clean my dishes and clear out my guttering and it did it all on the back of a promise of a cock suck.”

Managers at Amazon have asked owners to keep a record of any ongoing issues, and to let them know so that they can ignore them.

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Libraries move ‘Post Apocalyptic Fiction’ books to ‘Non-Fiction’ shelves

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Libraries across the country have moved the entire contents of their Post Apocalyptic Fiction shelves to that of Non-Fiction.

The reclassification follows a shitfest of a year that’s seen the world change as we know it.

One head librarian told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We always thought that the books in the Post Apocalyptic Fiction section were always a bit too far-fetched but even we didn’t think that the world would go to shit as much as it has done. Having looked through our catalogue of books, we’ve decided that most, if not all, of the Post Apocalyptic Fiction books now belong in the non-fiction section. I’ve got Babs to shift all the books from the one lot of shelves to the other. She’s done fuck all all year so it’s the least she can do.”

Book stores are likely to follow suit when they reopen. If they reopen.

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Woman spends day off work worrying about going back to work

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A woman has spent her entire day off work worrying about going back to work.

Sally Gumboots spent the entire day with a horrible pit-of-the-stomach feeling about going back to work the day after.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:

“Tuesday is normally my day off but it never feels like a day off because I spend the entire day worrying about the fact that I have to go back to work on the Wednesday. It’s doesn’t feel like a day off. I’d like to think that I can enjoy a day away from the assholes I have to work with but in truth, I just spend all my time off worrying about going back to work with all the assholes I work with. Even when I get two days off together, I’m counting down the days to go back to work so I never get to enjoy my time off. I’d like a job where I never actually have to go in, or do anything, or see or speak to anyone. That would be my ideal job.”

Sally’s boss Emma Tingletoes said that no one looks forward to Sally coming back to work either.

“She’s a right grumpy fucker,” said Emma. “All she does is moan about stuff. I might just sack her actually.”

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Jehovah’s Witnesses call for ban on door-knocking Trick or Treaters

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Jehovah’s Witnesses have called for a full and immediate ban on Trick or Treaters.

They say that they don’t appreciate strangers knocking on their front doors and threatening them with fire and brimstone if they don’t conform to what they say.

One Jehovah’s Witness said:

“I was in bed the other day. It was my first lie in for several weeks as I’ve been working extra hours. I was in such a deep sleep – it was just what my body was craving- and all of a sudden there was a knock on the door. I tried to ignore it but the knock came again. I dragged my sorry backside out of bed, down the stairs and opened the front door, only to be confronted by a group of total strangers, threatening me that if I didn’t conform to their way of thinking, that there’d be hell to pay. I told them that I wasn’t interested but they kept on and on until I had to shut the door in their faces which I don’t like doing as it’s very rude.”

One trick or treater said:

“Whatever mate. I’ll stick an egg right in your face.”

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Husband divorces wife after discovering she irons their socks

A husband has filed for divorce after finding out that his wife has been ironing their socks.

Eric Bigballs said that he would never have married his wife Natalie had he known she ironed the socks.

He told Grumpy Fuckers:

“Our socks were always immaculately crease-free and I don’t know why I ever noticed it. I happened to come downstairs one morning and found her ironing the frigging things. I didn’t know where to look. The shame of it. I couldn’t look her in the eye. I went straight out and talked to my lawyer about it. I filed for divorce there and then. I’ll be moving out in the next day or so and I won’t be stepping back into that house. Hopefully, she can meet someone new and they can iron socks together. While listening to Kenny G or something.”

Wife Natalie says she couldn’t give a shit about her husband leaving her.

“He can go fuck himself,” she said.

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Scientists discover ‘dessert stomach’ that allows you to eat afters even if you are full

A leading scientist has discovered a hidden stomach in the human body, that allows people to eat desserts – even when they are full from eating a main course.

David BoggleEyes made the discovery while out eating at a local restaurant.

He told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I was out having one of them eat-all-you-can meals down at the local Chinese when I met a friend who I haven’t seen for a few years. The guy was a fat bastard and ate three main courses over the period of an hour. He was then presented with a dessert menu and we all thought he’d have to decline. We were astonished to hear him ask for a chocolate brownie and when it arrived 10 minutes later, he ate it no problem. I had to make further enquiries so I took him back to my lab to find out where he’d put it all and lo and behold – the x-ray showed what I can only describe as a ‘dessert stomach’. The dessert stomach is separate from the main course stomach so no matter how much you eat for your main meal, you’ll always have room for a dessert.”

BoggleEyes has since proven that the dessert stomach is quicker at digesting its contents, so can be ready within minutes for replenishment.

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Shit handwriting linked to higher intelligence

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People with shit handwriting have been told that it’s possible that they have a higher-than-average IQ.

Boffins at a local university have told Grumpy Fuckers that people whose handwriting is shit are more likely to be clever.

Professor Timmy CleverClogs told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We’ve all seen those doctors’ prescriptions and I can’t read those for shit. We decided to do some digging into this and it appears that these people are so fucking clever that their brains wire out and causes them to write any old shit. Those with neat writing turned out to be proper dunces. They may be able to write neatly but they don’t half write some crap. If you’re writing’s all over the place, you can guarantee that you’re a clever bastard.”

Schoolteacher Simon BigHead said:

“I’m so clever that when I go to write, I find myself scribbling all over the page. I can’t help it. It’s just the way I am.”

Higher intelligence has also been linked to people having shit eyesight and needing to wear glasses.

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New Year’s Eve cancelled because it’s shit

New Year’s Eve has been cancelled worldwide – because it’s shit.

The annual event traditionally sees millions of people wasting time and money on the big non-event. Authorities say that NYE will be cancelled for the foreseeable.

The local mayor told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I’ve been saying this shit for years – New Year’s Eve is a waste of everyone’s time. We all pay over the odds for a waste of time and then wake up the next day feeling even more shit. We’ve decided to cancel it nationwide to save people wasting their precious time. Everyone will thank us in the long run. All going well, we may even extend the ban to Christmas as well. Last year, my wife ran off with the local priest that I gave all my savings to so it’d be good to see that disappear too.”

One New Year’s Eve fan said:

“Oh well. I’m off to get shit-faced.”

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‘If you lost weight, you’d be a stunner’ declared NOT a compliment

The phrase ‘If you lost weight, you’d be a stunner’ has been deemed NOT a compliment by a panel of experts.

The phrase is often proffered by over-confident men as a way of attempted seduction.

Panel expert Jody Strongthighs told Grumpy Fuckers:

“As women, we often hear this phrase and it’s often dished out by men who are either too short, too hairy, too bald or just stink of piss. Their belief is that they are offering some kind of constructive criticism but that’s not how it’s being received. Men think that the woman has to do all the hard work of losing weight to assuage the man’s desire to look at someone smaller. But we got a few of our experts around and we’ve decided that this is not the compliment that some men think it is.”

One woman said:

“One guy said this to me last night. I told him that if he was taller, had more hair on his head and less on his back, and if that he didn’t stink of piss, I might consider talking to him. He left shortly afterwards.”

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Refuse lorries ‘swore and threatened pedestrians’ while reversing

A council has been left red-faced after the vehicle reverse alarm on several of its refuse collecting lorries swore at and threatened pedestrians.

Five lorries told shoppers to ‘Get out of the way you fat bastard. I’ll break your legs. Get out of the way you fat bastard. I’ll break your legs,” when put into reverse gear.

Council spokesman, Darren Greysuit told Grumpy Fuckers:




“We’ve had reports that several of our refuse collection lorries have been swearing at shoppers. We are investigating the matter but I’m convinced it was a former employee of ours, Craig Tightnuts, who is behind this. He got sacked last week for photocopying his arse and we know he’s the guy who looks after the reverse alarms on our lorries. If I find him, I’ll be breaking HIS legs.”

Shoppers were alarmed at the reverse alarms. Doreen Trolleybird told Grumpy Fuckers:

“Normally them things are pretty polite and ask me nicely to move out the way. This was way over the top. I was left emotionally scarred.”

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Woman jailed after performing ‘DIY colonic irrigations with Mr Muscle Sink Unblocker and plunger’

A woman who was performing DIY colonic irrigation with liquid sink unblocker and a plunger in her kitchen, has been jailed for three days.

Wendy Shitehouse, who was offering her own unique colonic irrigation using Mr Muscle sink unblocker, was sentenced after the court heard that she was offering a ‘full clear out for a tenner and a few beers’.

Sentencing Shitehouse, Judge Crustynob said:



“You clearly knew what you were doing when you advertised your services in the local Post Office. You forced these people to drink Mr Muscle liquid sink unblocker against their will. Thanks to you, some of your customers are now suffering from chronic ring sting. You are an evil, wicked woman.”

But friends of Shitehouse were dismayed at the verdict. Mandy Wondergunt said:

“She used to offer colonic for just a fiver but since the jet washer broke the hose pipe, she’s had to think up new ways to offer her customers a service. I think she’s a local hero. This government should be ashamed of itself.”

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Woman rushes home from work to do fuck all at home

A woman has rushed home from work to do fuck all at home.

Hattie Gammon managed to get home in record time in order to sit on her arsehole and do nothing.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:



“I can’t wait to get out of work. I hate it. The best part of going to work is coming home again and on Friday, I just needed to get home asap. I left at 6pm on the fucking dot, got in my car and drove like a fucking loon. I was home in record time and when I got in, I did fuck all. It was amazing. I just sat there and did absolutely nothing. It was the best feeling in the world.”

Hattie also did very little over the weekend.

“I just sat around doing fuck all for most of it,” she said. “Sometimes, that’s all a girl wants and I’m glad I rushed home on Friday so I had more time to do fuck all.”

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