A husband has filed for divorce after finding out that his wife has been ironing their socks.
Eric Bigballs said that he would never have married his wife Natalie had he known she ironed the socks.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“Our socks were always immaculately crease-free and I don’t know why I ever noticed it. I happened to come downstairs one morning and found her ironing the frigging things. I didn’t know where to look. The shame of it. I couldn’t look her in the eye. I went straight out and talked to my lawyer about it. I filed for divorce there and then. I’ll be moving out in the next day or so and I won’t be stepping back into that house. Hopefully, she can meet someone new and they can iron socks together. While listening to Kenny G or something.”
Wife Natalie says she couldn’t give a shit about her husband leaving her.
A leading scientist has discovered a hidden stomach in the human body, that allows people to eat desserts – even when they are full from eating a main course.
David BoggleEyes made the discovery while out eating at a local restaurant.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I was out having one of them eat-all-you-can meals down at the local Chinese when I met a friend who I haven’t seen for a few years. The guy was a fat bastard and ate three main courses over the period of an hour. He was then presented with a dessert menu and we all thought he’d have to decline. We were astonished to hear him ask for a chocolate brownie and when it arrived 10 minutes later, he ate it no problem. I had to make further enquiries so I took him back to my lab to find out where he’d put it all and lo and behold – the x-ray showed what I can only describe as a ‘dessert stomach’. The dessert stomach is separate from the main course stomach so no matter how much you eat for your main meal, you’ll always have room for a dessert.”
BoggleEyes has since proven that the dessert stomach is quicker at digesting its contents, so can be ready within minutes for replenishment.
Get dickhead one of these for Christmas. Last few weeks on sale. Get yours here
People with shit handwriting have been told that it’s possible that they have a higher-than-average IQ.
Boffins at a local university have told Grumpy Fuckers that people whose handwriting is shit are more likely to be clever.
Professor Timmy CleverClogs told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We’ve all seen those doctors’ prescriptions and I can’t read those for shit. We decided to do some digging into this and it appears that these people are so fucking clever that their brains wire out and causes them to write any old shit. Those with neat writing turned out to be proper dunces. They may be able to write neatly but they don’t half write some crap. If you’re writing’s all over the place, you can guarantee that you’re a clever bastard.”
Schoolteacher Simon BigHead said:
“I’m so clever that when I go to write, I find myself scribbling all over the page. I can’t help it. It’s just the way I am.”
Higher intelligence has also been linked to people having shit eyesight and needing to wear glasses.
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New Year’s Eve has been cancelled worldwide – because it’s shit.
The annual event traditionally sees millions of people wasting time and money on the big non-event. Authorities say that NYE will be cancelled for the foreseeable.
The local mayor told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I’ve been saying this shit for years – New Year’s Eve is a waste of everyone’s time. We all pay over the odds for a waste of time and then wake up the next day feeling even more shit. We’ve decided to cancel it nationwide to save people wasting their precious time. Everyone will thank us in the long run. All going well, we may even extend the ban to Christmas as well. Last year, my wife ran off with the local priest that I gave all my savings to so it’d be good to see that disappear too.”
“As women, we often hear this phrase and it’s often dished out by men who are either too short, too hairy, too bald or just stink of piss. Their belief is that they are offering some kind of constructive criticism but that’s not how it’s being received. Men think that the woman has to do all the hard work of losing weight to assuage the man’s desire to look at someone smaller. But we got a few of our experts around and we’ve decided that this is not the compliment that some men think it is.”
One woman said:
“One guy said this to me last night. I told him that if he was taller, had more hair on his head and less on his back, and if that he didn’t stink of piss, I might consider talking to him. He left shortly afterwards.”
A council has been left red-faced after the vehicle reverse alarm on several of its refuse collecting lorries swore at and threatened pedestrians.
Five lorries told shoppers to ‘Get out of the way you fat bastard. I’ll break your legs. Get out of the way you fat bastard. I’ll break your legs,” when put into reverse gear.
Council spokesman, Darren Greysuit told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We’ve had reports that several of our refuse collection lorries have been swearing at shoppers. We are investigating the matter but I’m convinced it was a former employee of ours, Craig Tightnuts, who is behind this. He got sacked last week for photocopying his arse and we know he’s the guy who looks after the reverse alarms on our lorries. If I find him, I’ll be breaking HIS legs.”
Shoppers were alarmed at the reverse alarms. Doreen Trolleybird told Grumpy Fuckers:
“Normally them things are pretty polite and ask me nicely to move out the way. This was way over the top. I was left emotionally scarred.”
A woman who was performing DIY colonic irrigation with liquid sink unblocker and a plunger in her kitchen, has been jailed for three days.
Wendy Shitehouse, who was offering her own unique colonic irrigation using Mr Muscle sink unblocker, was sentenced after the court heard that she was offering a ‘full clear out for a tenner and a few beers’.
Sentencing Shitehouse, Judge Crustynob said:
“You clearly knew what you were doing when you advertised your services in the local Post Office. You forced these people to drink Mr Muscle liquid sink unblocker against their will. Thanks to you, some of your customers are now suffering from chronic ring sting. You are an evil, wicked woman.”
But friends of Shitehouse were dismayed at the verdict. Mandy Wondergunt said:
“She used to offer colonic for just a fiver but since the jet washer broke the hose pipe, she’s had to think up new ways to offer her customers a service. I think she’s a local hero. This government should be ashamed of itself.”
A woman has rushed home from work to do fuck all at home.
Hattie Gammon managed to get home in record time in order to sit on her arsehole and do nothing.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I can’t wait to get out of work. I hate it. The best part of going to work is coming home again and on Friday, I just needed to get home asap. I left at 6pm on the fucking dot, got in my car and drove like a fucking loon. I was home in record time and when I got in, I did fuck all. It was amazing. I just sat there and did absolutely nothing. It was the best feeling in the world.”
Hattie also did very little over the weekend.
“I just sat around doing fuck all for most of it,” she said. “Sometimes, that’s all a girl wants and I’m glad I rushed home on Friday so I had more time to do fuck all.”
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