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Kanye West promises to stop singing if he becomes President

Superstar rapper Kanye West has promised to stop singing if he claims the White House this November.

It means that the singer has suddenly become a serious presidential candidate as a result of the pledge.

A spokeswoman for Mr West told Grumpy Fuckers:

“It’s true. I spoke to Mr West himself this morning as he flew in on his private yacht. We were looking for election-winning pledges when one of the girls serving coffee suggested that he stopped singing. We all looked at each other in amazement – it was so simple, yet so powerful. We put this to Mr West and he didn’t take it very well at first. We told him that he didn’t have to really stick to his pledge – it was just to get into the White House. So he agreed.

One music critic welcomed the move.

“Anything to shut him up is fine by me, even if it is for a few months”

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Get ready for Grumpy Fuckers Day – Monday 25th May

Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Monday 25th May.

The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day.

One grumpy fucker said:

“Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day in my life. The first thing I do when I get up in the morning is moan to myself about how shit my life is. I then go downstairs and make myself a shit cup of coffee. I head off to work about 8am and then spend the day working with arseholes. After that, I come back home, make myself a shit dinner and go to bed. That’s it. That’s my life.”

Another fucker said:

“Meh. Just get out of my face, fucker.”

International Grumpy Fucker Day was first celebrated in 2007. It’s been celebrated every year since because that’s how often annual events are celebrated.

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Dear Ethel: I need your help!

Dear Ethel

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual.

I hadn’t driven more than 5 miles down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help.

When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour’s daughter.

I’m 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour’s daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I’d leave him. He was made redundant from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.

I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.

He won’t go to counselling and I’m afraid I can’t get through to him any more.

Can you please help?

Sandra, St Asaph

Dear Sandra,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it’s clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps.

Ethel x

Ethel Leathercrotch is a world-renowned Agony Aunt who likes cats, standing in supermarket doorways and smelling of chicken soup

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Clive Grimgrits Reviews: The Wizard of Oz

wizard-of-oz

Finding myself in lockdown and having fuck all to do, I thought I’d go through some of my old film collection and see what I had there.

As the world’s most eminent movie critic, it’s all too easy to focus on the new releases. But as they’ve all dried up, it always worth going through some of the old classic and and assessing them as if they were new.

The Wizard of Oz needs no introduction but I’m going to give you one anyway. It’s about a girl called Dorothy Gale who lives on a farm with her Aunt Em and Uncle Henry. She’s got a little prick of a dog called Toto who goes and bites one of Dorothy’s neighbours. Quite rightly, her neighbour tries to get the shitbag of a dog put down but Dorothy runs away and so begins one of the most weirdest movies you’ll ever see. Whoever wrote this shit must have been smacked up to the tits.

First, Dorothy meets this guy called Professor Marvel, who tells Dorothy that her Aunt Em is sick. As she goes back to the house, this tornado comes along and lifts both Dorothy and the farmhouse up into the air. The house then lands in this wacko fucking place called Munchkinland where she meets a rather gorgeous good witch (never knew that such a thing existed but for the sake of the story, she’s there). She informs Dorothy that she’s a murderer, having killed some bad witch.

Then this other bad witch turns up and says she’s going to fuck Dorothy up.

Then Dorothy is told to follow the Yellowbrick Road and find the Wizard of Oz (hence the name), where she comes across a scarecrow, a tin man (what the fuck’s that?) and a lion. Obviously.

Man. That’s some serious hardcore drug problem this writer’s got.

They start singing some songs.

They find the wizard, only to find that he’s not really a wizard.

Then there’s a balloon or something.

Then some clicking of some slippers.

And she’s back home before we know what the fuck just went on.

This film is the sort of film you think you’ve dreamt after eating a shitload of cheese. There’s some shit-scary monkeys flying around at one point and the whole thing smacks of a bad acid tablet experience.

There are some pretty nifty special effects, especially considering the movie was made way back in 1939. The movie flits between black and white and colour and I’m sure there’s some moral in the tale somewhere but I can’t be arsed to work it all out. The underlying symbolism of the populism featured throughout the film is something I just cut and pasted off the internet to make it sound like I know what I’m talking about.

Rating 2/5

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Dear Ethel: Why does my wife make shit coffee?

Dear Ethel

Why does my wife make shit coffee?

Sheila, London

Dear Sheila,

Not everyone can make a nice cup of coffee and I would suggest that your wife either bucks up her ideas pretty pronto or leaves the family home. Life is too short to make shit coffee and this so-called wife of yours needs to think twice before she steps in a kitchen again. Be gentle at first. Suggest ways that she can improve her coffee-making abilities. If she doesn’t respond to this, you may need to think about divorce or having an affair. I have had several of my friends divorce their partners because they were making shit coffee.

Ethel x

Ethel Leathercrotch is a world-renowned Agony Aunt who likes cats, standing in supermarket doorways and smelling of chicken soup

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Dickhead neighbour mows lawn at 7.30am on a Saturday

A dickhead neighbour has mown his lawn at 7.30am on a Saturday.

Residents hoping for a nice lie-in were woken by Alan Dupper and his Qualcast 125cc push petrol rotary lawnmower.

Alan told Grumpy Fuckers:

“My lawn needed doing so I got up early so that I could then spend the rest of the day relaxing. It’s quite a large lawn so it took me about half an hour. Some of my neighbours started hanging out of their bedroom windows and calling me all the names under the sun but I had that same sort of treatment a few weeks ago when I started drilling a wall down in my living room at 6am. They’re not very nice around here – I thought I had moved to a nice neighbourhood but they’re all pretty selfish.”

Neighbour Emma Dale said:

“I didn’t get in till 5.30am this morning because I stopped over at my mate’s house for a drunken shag. I was then woken by Mr Dickhead and now I can’t get back to sleep.”

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Woman spends three hours doing hair to buy bread

A woman has spent three hours doing her hair nice so that she can go and buy a loaf of bread.

Emily Triplebelly washed it, blow-dried it and styled it in order to go and buy herself a small bloomer.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I don’t get out much these days so it’s nice to make an effort. I got up early so that I had plenty of time. I didn’t want to rush anything in case the man down the shop noticed. Once I’d done my hair nice, I went to the shop and bought a loaf of bread. It was only a small loaf I wanted since I’m trying to cut down on my carbs these days. I’ve become the size of a small hippo since the lockdown. I came home and made a small sandwich with the bread I’d bought. Sadly, no one commented on my hair that I’d spent so long doing. Still, in my own mind, it looked nice and I was proud of myself for doing it.”

Emily plans on putting on her ballgown over the weekend to go and buy some eggs.

“I’ll have to get up very early for that,” she added.

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Man has underpants surgically removed after wearing them for 13 years

A 54 year-old man has had his underpants surgically removed after he had worn them for 13 consecutive years.

Brian CrispyGrits underwent the procedure after his wife threatened to divorce him if he didn’t change them.

Brian told Grumpy Fuckers:

“They were my comfy ones so I liked to wear them every day. But then after the hot weather yesterday, my wife Sheila went apeshit on me, telling me to change them. It was only then that I realised that my kegs had become attached to my body. Sheila called an ambulance and a few hours later, they were finally off. It’s a shame really because I considered them my lucky ones.”

Wife Sheila was relieved that her husband was finally free of his underpants.

“I bought them for him back in 2002 and he’s worn them every day since. They had a massive hole in them and his bollocks were hanging out of them like a bag of giblets. I’d like to thank the staff at the hospital for all their help.”

Sheila is now planning a trip to the shops when they reopen to buy Brian a new pair of underpants.

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Self-isolating woman completes Netflix

netflix

A woman in self-isolation has successfully watched everything on Netflix.

Ethel LardArse says that she’s now moving on to YouTube, and hopes to complete that too by the end of the month.

She told Grumpy Fuckers.

“The big boss man told us that we’ve all got to stay indoors in case we get the virus. Luckily, I’d recently signed up to Netflix so the first thing I did was sit on my fat arse and flick it on. Within the first day, I’d completed seven box sets and just a few short hours ago, I finally managed to complete it all. I haven’t moved from my sofa once apart to get myself some ice cream from my freezer.

“My next challenge is to complete YouTube, which my friend reckons is doable by the end of the month. After that, fuck knows what I’m going to do with myself. I’ll probably have to frig myself to death.”

Ethel’s husband Stan said that he is proud of his wife’s achievements.

“We’re going through some tough times but she’s as tough as shit.”

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