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Man who invented the phrase ‘Good Morning’ found murdered

The man who invented the phrase ‘Good Morning’ has been found fatally murdered in his apartment.

Cheery John Smiley coined the phrase back in 1952 as a way of making his employees feel valued as they arrived for work. He was found dead last night.

A police spokeswoman told GrumpyFuckers:

“He had it coming for a long time. Who the fuck thought of putting the words ‘good’ and ‘morning’ together? What a dick! The worst thing about it was that this fucker meant it. There is absolutely nothing good about mornings and I applaud the grumpy fucker who put this asshole to sleep for good. Now pass me my coffee.”

The phrase ‘Good Morning’ has gone on to prove very popular with people who have no idea of what life is really like and these people are often referred to as ‘assholes’ behind their back. Smiley was often the target of Grumpy Fuckers who wanted the phrase banned.

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Man builds time machine to tell his 20 year old self to stop being a dick

A man has invented a time machine so that he can go back 20 years and tell himself to stop being such a dick.

Father-of-two Gary Glumchops built the machine after finding letters he’d written go girls, asking them to come round to his house to sit on his face.

Gary told GrumpyFuckers:

“Back in the day, I thought I was something special. I couldn’t understand why women didn’t want me. It’s only now that I’m older that I realise that I was an ugly fucker who thought about no-one but himself. I’ve spent the last three weeks in my shed building this machine and I’ll be going back in time on the weekend to give myself a stern word or two. Looking back, I can’t believe I was so much up my own ass. It’s no wonder I the girls were giving me the brush off. I believe that I can go back in time and slap myself around a bit and give myself a good talking to.”

Gary’s long-suffering wife Wendy said:

“I only married him because he got me pregnant. I’m hoping that he can talk some sense into himself.”

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Bill: I’m suffering from deep depression now I’m out of the limelight

Former internet star Bill the Stickman has revealed that he is in the grip of a deep depression since his fall from popularity.

Bill, whose real name is Bill, was an internet hit earlier this year but has recently lost form and is now barely referred to on social media.

He told GrumpyFuckers:

“Since February, it’s all turned to shit. Back in the day when I was King of Facebook, I thought I was set up for life. I had money coming in, I was popular with the ladies and I could even get upgraded to Premium Class at the airport just by giving the girl behind the desk a cheeky wink. These days, it’s all very different. All the money’s gone, I’ve got an empty fridge and I can’t get laid to save my life. It’s had such an effect on me that I’ve referred myself to the doctor and even she didn’t recognise me. I feel that my life has gone to waste now.”

Bill is currently staying on a friend’s couch and enjoys moaning about how shit his life is. His rise to fame was as rapid as his fall from grace. Most critics called him a ‘smart-arsed twat’.

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Steak and Blowjob Day passes quietly for vegetarian lesbians

This year’s Steak and Blowjob Day passed quietly for vegetarian lesbians.

The day, celebrated as a ‘man’s holiday’ on March 14th, is traditionally celebrated by women providing steaks and blowjobs.

Vegetarian lesbian Ali BigNork told GrumpyFuckers:

“You really think I’d like to eat a chunk of cow that’s been dead for days and then follow that by necking some fella’s rancid knobend? No thanks. That’s not for me. I’d rather stock up on some fresh veggies and then get my gob around a nice pair of titties. That’s what life is about ultimately. I think there is some farmer somewhere who can’t shift his dead cows so he’s trying to spice things up a little by flogging it with a free blow job.”

Single man Terry Nutjob said:

“I was hoping that Steak and Blow Job day was going to be my chance to get some sort of action but sadly, all I managed was a bag of chips and a wank.”

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Man accidentally discovers the one thing that’s guaranteed to turn a woman on

A man has discovered the Holy Grail of the human psyche – the one thing that turns every woman on.

George ‘George’ Simpleton made the discovery by accident when after he had ordered a takeaway from his local Chinese. He told GrumpyFuckers:

“I’d cleaned the kitchen before we had takeout but after we’d eaten, there were a few dirty dishes on the side. At about 10.30pm, Donald Trump came on telly and I can’t watch him on telly without punching someone in the face so I went out to the kitchen and cleaned up the rest of the dishes. That was that – until the following morning when the missis got up, went downstairs to let the dog out for a shit. A few minutes later, she came back up the stairs, all gooey-eyed and wearing one of those pink neglecteds. She looked like she was modelling for scatter cushions.

“I got scared because I’d never seen her like this before. Then she pounced on me and played my pink oboe for ten minutes before sitting on my face and pretending she was John Wayne. By the time I’d finished with her, she was walking like him – and all because she went downstairs in the morning to a clean kitchen. I’ll be doing those dishes again tonight, that’s for sure.”

Wife Brenda wasn’t available for comment as she was too busy recovering from her mammoth session to say anything.

George is hoping to write a book about his secret and make a bit of money from it

“I’m hoping to write a book about my secret and make a bit of money from it.” he said.

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International Women’s Day events cancelled after venues run out of chocolate and wine

international womens day

Events marking International Women’s Day have been cancelled after venues ran out of chocolate and wine.

Delegates were forced to head home early, causing many of them to grumble and moan to their partners.

One woman told GrumpyFuckers:

“I was most disappointed. Okay, I arrived late because I didn’t realise how long it would take me to get ready but when I did arrive, I was most vexed to find that they’d run out of chocolate and wine. What the frig is all that about? Don’t they know who I am? I am a woman and if they want me to turn up to their shitty event, the least they could do is turn up with some chocolate and wine. I kicked right off and punched the manager. I’ll be going back tomorrow to fetch my handbag as I accidentally left it there.”

International Women’s Day is marked around the world and celebrates the fact that they are better than men at things like sewing, riding horses and putting makeup on.

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Twins demand refund on their FaceSwap app


A pair of twins are demanding a refund after their FaceSwap app proved to be pointless.

Chris and Chris Gubbins bought the FaceSwap app from the Apple App store last week. The pair tried out their new app last night but found that it was a pile of shit.

Chris told GrumpyFuckers:

“We thought we’d get a laugh by putting some funny photos on Facebook. Not many people like us but lots of our friends are well-liked because they keep posting funny pictures to Facebook. We splashed out on this new app but we were thoroughly disappointed with the results. We looked exactly the same as we do when we haven’t swapped faces. I’ve decided that I’m going to write to our local paper about this and if they don’t do anything, I’m going to go to some bigger papers. They can’t keep making money out of people and not providing the service they promise.”

Brother Chris told GrumpyFuckers:

“We thought we’d get a laugh by putting some funny photos on Facebook. Not many people like us but lots of our friends are well-liked because they keep posting funny pictures to Facebook. We splashed out on this new app but we were thoroughly disappointed with the results. We looked exactly the same as we do when we haven’t swapped faces. I’ve decided that I’m going to write to our local paper about this and if they don’t do anything, I’m going to go to some bigger papers. They can’t keep making money out of people and not providing the service they promise.”

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Men to receive free ‘wash-up-as-you-go-along-lessons’


Men are to be given free ‘How-to-wash-up-as-you-go-along’ lessons in a new drive to tackle domestic disputes.

The government has made the announcement, following a recent rise in divorce rates, specifically linked to messy kitchens.

A spokesman told GrumpyFuckers:

“Us lads take a lot of pride in the kitchen when we’re preparing meals for our loved ones. But sadly, when the missis takes her plate back to the kitchen when she’s finished, all hell breaks loose when she sees the state of the kitchen. It’s often the cause of long silences on the sofa for the rest of the evening. We are looking to nip this in the bud by teaching men how to wash up as they go along.”

The initiative forms part of the government’s strategy to halt the decline of divorces. Figures show that messy kitchens accounted for 96% of divorces in 2013. One woman told GrumpyFuckers:

“We really don’t know how these men manage it. They manage to use EVERY plate, EVERY saucepan and EVERY knife and fork, just to boil an egg! Whereas we women like to wash as we go along, and in some cases, clean the kitchen before we sit down and eat our meal, men show a distinct lack of cleanliness and order. We welcome these new classes so we can show them how it’s really done.”

Classes will be rolled out in October, to run alongside with the existing ‘Teaching Men How To Put Things Back Where They Belong’ classes.

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New coffee range launched for non-morning people

A new range of coffee has been launched for people who don’t like mornings.

Grumpy Fuckers Coffee follows after the successful launch of Grumpy Fuckers Coffee shop in Cardiff. Manager Clive GrimGrits told GrumpyFuckers:

“Our shop has become the number one tourist destination here in Wales since we opened last year. Every morning, we get a load of grumpy-looking fuckers in here so we only thought it right that we launch our very own range of coffee. It means that people don’t even have to leave home to be a grumpy fucker – they can sit at home like a lardarse and be one. We’ve launched our first batch which looks like shit and tastes like shit and we are now looking at expanding our range.”

Customer Terry SourFace said:

“This coffee tastes like horseshit. And I’ve tasted horseshit. I love it.”

Another customer added:

“My life is so shit and this just rounds it off nicely.”

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A woman’s guide to getting payment ready at the supermarket checkout

We all know how hard it is for some women to have their purses ready when it comes to paying for some goods at a checkout. That’s why we at Grumpy Fuckers have produced an in-depth, step-by-step, fool-proof and easy-to-follow guide.

If you’re sick of hearing other shoppers sighing impatiently while you pay for your sundry goods, here’s how to remedy the situation. Just follow these really easy steps:

1. Get your purse out while you are in the queue, waiting to pay for your goods.

2. Immediately present payment when prompted, instead of dicking around, looking for your purse in your handbag, in your pockets, up your arsehole etc etc.

There! That’s it! All you need to do to make life easier for everybody else! Don’t say we don’t give you anything.

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Workers disappointed to find extra day is a Monday

Workers across the country have woken up to find themselves disappointed that the four-yearly extra day is a Monday.

Monday is traditionally the shittiest day of the week. One worker told GrumpyFuckers:

“Why couldn’t the extra day be a Sunday or even better, a Saturday? That way, I’d still have a Sunday to look forward to. As it is, I’ve now got to get through another shitty Monday – put up with all the same assholes in work after spending an hour getting there and then having to spend another hour getting home. Whoever invented this leap year shit should go stab themselves in the eye with a pointy stick. I don’t like it one bit.”

One employer said:

“We like to have this extra day in our calendar because we can get one day’s extra work out of all the minions without us having to pay the fuckers any extra.”

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People who get a bad night’s sleep 100% more likely to mention it on social media

People who have a bad night’s sleep are 100% more likely to mention it on social media.

That’s the conclusion of a study carried out by the University of Little Hope.

Professor CleverDick, who undertook the study, told GrumpyFuckers:

“People who don’t get a good night’s sleep feel the need to tell people that they are not getting a good night’s sleep. Often, the subjects will be awake for about 2 hours on average, but they are likely to double that average before posting the news to their social media account. We are not sure why this phenomenon occurs but it’s more likely to come from someone who’s feeling particularly needy. I myself, for instance, only had 3 hours of sleep last night and I felt that my friends should know about this. As it turned out, they couldn’t have given a shit and my Facebook status was wasted.”

The study showed that bad sleepers are also likely to act like arseholes during the day.

“We find that people who lack sleep at night are often grumpy fuckers during the day,” added Professor CleverDick.

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Men to receive free evening classes to decipher women’s non-verbal cues

Men are to receive free evening classes to help them decipher women’s non-verbal cues.

The announcement was made today by some guy from the government. He told GrumpyFuckers:

“Us lads have no idea what women mean when they say stuff. Last night, my missis told me that I was a fat, overpaid twat. I found out later that she was really saying ‘Can I have a hug please?’ It’s this kind of thing that lads across the world get confused about – women say one thing but mean another.”

The news has been welcomed by some of the boys down the local bar. Sid FourEyes said that the classes would help him understand women better.

“I came home last night to find my wife standing in the kitchen. She looked very upset and when I asked her what the matter was, she told me that she’d had a tough day at work and that she wanted a divorce. I later found out that she just wanted me to wash the dishes. All she had to do was ask me and I would have done them. As it is, I’m now divorced. Anyone want to go on a date with me.”

Housewife Sammy Slackflaps reacted to the news by saying:

“I need to take my dog out for a walk.” (SUBTITLES: I’m going to get my hair done. Can you keep an eye on the potatoes please?)

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Grumpy fuckers preparing for International Grumpy Fuckers Day

Grumpy Fucker Day

Grumpy fuckers from all over the world are preparing for the first-ever worldwide International Grumpy Fuckers Day.

Monday 28th February will see grumpy fuckers from all over the world moaning about how shit their lives are like they do on any other day.

Organiser Clive GrimGrits, who runs Grumpy Fuckers’ Coffee Shop, told Grumpy Fuckers:

“This day will be like any other shitty old day except that on this one, we’ll be even more grumpy than usual. I’ve set up a Facebook page for people to come along and whinge and if they can’t be arsed to check it out, they can go fuck themselves. I’ve spent a lot of time and money on this so the least they can do is click a fucking button on their mouse.”

The day’s events will see people moping about their home towns with faces like slapped arses.

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Supermarkets start selling phallic vegetables to bored housewives

Supermarkets have started selling phallic vegetables to bored housewives under the guide of ‘wonky vegetable boxes’.

Sales of so-called ‘wonky boxes’, which are made up of the shit vegetables that no-one really wants, have risen dramatically since their launch last week.

Store manager Tony Grimm told GrumpyFuckers:

“We’re pretending that we’re cutting down on food waste by announcing these veggie boxes for sale but really we are looking to tap into the ‘fifty shades’ market. These housewives are bored shitless of their husbands and are looking for a new thrill. We like to think that we can offer a cheap and healthy alternative to electronic devices.”

Shopper and bored housewife Glenda DryFlaps said:

“I can’t wait to get this home! I’ve stocked up on cheap wine and I’ve got myself a box load of parsnips that look like giant cocks. I’m in for a good night.”

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Man manages to use every piece of kitchen equipment in his house to boil one egg

A British man has broken the world record for using the most amount of kitchen utensils and saucepans to make one boiled egg.

Stanley Undergroin used 15 spoons, 9 knives, 6 forks, 3 spatulas, 17 different saucepans – and everything else he could lay his hands on to cook the egg.

His wife Mildred told Grumpy Fuckers:

“Stanley was very proud when he came into the living room with his boiled egg. It’s the first thing he’s ever cooked in his life. I was very proud of him too, especially since the only time he’s ever been in the kitchen was to puke his guts up in the sink.”

But things soon turned sour when Mildred went into the kitchen an hour later.

“It looked like Hiroshima. There were pots and pans all over the place, food all up the walls, cups everywhere – and every single piece of cutlery had been used. I went ape shit. He’d used so many plates to cook the egg that he had eat the fucking thing off his lap,” she added.

Stanley has since been banned from entering the kitchen, apart from emergencies when he needs to puke his guts up in the kitchen sink.”

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PROVEN: Coffee saves thousands of arrests every morning

Coffee saves thousands of people being arrested every morning, according to a recent survey.

The survey, carried out by the University of Little Hope, published its findings yesterday. It also concluded that prison population was kept down by up to 50% thanks to the wonder drink.

Professor Frank FourEyes, who led the survey, told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We all love a coffee now and then but for some people, it’s literally the only thing stopping them from being arrested every morning. Our survey showed that people are relying on this shit to make them socially acceptable, albeit for a few hours. If coffee didn’t exist, our data shows that thousands more people would be arrested every morning, putting a strain on our country’s resources. In some cases, we found that someone going without coffee in the mornings turns them into the biggest grumpy fucker the world has ever seen. In controlled experiments, we were able to turn grumpy fuckers into semi-normal functioning human beings with just a few cups of coffee. It’s really quite scary.”

Jenny Slut, who took part in the survey said:

“If I don’t get my coffee first thing in the morning, I turn into something out of the Walking Dead. And I don’t mean that nice looking fella with the leather waistcoat.”

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Wife who told husband not to buy anything for her birthday disappointed that husband didn’t buy anything for her birthday

A woman who specifically told her husband not to buy her anything for her birthday has told of her disappointment that her husband didn’t buy her anything for her birthday.

Joan ‘Joan’ Strumpet, 39, told her husband not to spend any money on her birthday but to put it towards a holiday. Husband Dean didn’t buy anything, leaving Joan feeling disappointed.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:

“When I told him that I didn’t want anything for my birthday, I was kind of hoping that he read between the lines and went out and bought something. When I said that I didn’t want anything, I did of course mean that I would have liked something. It didn’t have to be anything super-expensive, but just something that showed a little bit of thought. As it is, he’s bought fuck all, making my birthday an absolutely shit one.”

Husband Dean added:

“I’m mightily confused. I thought that when she said not to buy anything, that she meant not to buy anything. She did the same last night when I asked her if she wanted anything from the shop. She said ‘no’ and then kicked off that I hadn’t bought her chocolate.”

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Man in hospital after attempting to cross lake on a rowing machine

A man is in hospital after he tried rowing his rowing machine across a lake.

Gordon Fuckwit took his BodyMax R50 rowing machine out onto the water last night. He managed to get just 35 meters before the machine sank. Fuckwit was taken to hospital suffering mild drowning.

He told GrumpyFuckers:

“My wife keeps telling me how fat I am so I bought this thing to get me trim. I took delivery of my BodyMax R50 and promptly took it down to the lake near my house. I started rowing across the water but before I knew it, I was at the bottom of the lake. The next thing I remember is waking up in hospital and my wife telling me that I was both fat and stupid. I’m hoping to recover my BodyMax R50 from the lake so that I can continue my fitness regime.”

Wife Debbie said:

“Fuckwit by name, fuckwit by nature. I’ve seriously had enough of that dickhead. I want a new husband with lots of money, a huge penis and preferably, some kind of common sense.”

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Moaning about being single on Valentine’s Day is top reason why people are single on Valentine’s Day

People moaning about being single on Valentine’s Day has come out as the top reason why people are single on Valentine’s Day.

The recent survey also found that Valentine’s Day is no different than any other day of the life of singletons.

Professor CockJockey who led the survey, told GrumpyFuckers:

“It’s a well-known fact that singletons like to moan about being single, especially so on Valentine’s Day. They like nothing more than posting pictures of meals for one and hoping to get some likes. The irony is that they are probably having more fun than the dickheads who went and got themselves married. In another survey that we ran, we found that 100% of men have had to buy flowers from the local newsagent on their way home from work and then find that they can’t get their end away because they haven’t impressed their partner too much.”

One woman who took part in the survey added:

“I’m hoping that my fella comes home with two bottles of Rioja, a fuckoff box of chocolates and some flowers. If he does, I’ll sit on his face. If he doesn’t, he’s sleeping on the couch.”