Posted on Leave a comment

Man who spent entire life working to pay bills dies

A man who spent his entire life working to pay his bills has died.

Jimmy Waster started work at the age of 15 and has worked most days since. He was 62 when he died.

His wife Janice said:

“He spent his entire life working to pay the bills. I can’t think of one thing that he’s left behind that will make the world a better place. Apart from our swimming pool which is kind of cute except when the dog craps in it.”

Jimmy started his life of work cleaning shoes at a local shop. He then spent 50 years working in a shoe shop selling shoes. He was hoping to retire and see the rest of his days out relaxing with his family and do all the things he’d always wanted to do. He died however and that was that.

Posted on Leave a comment

Putting duvet cover on when tired replaces divorce as world’s most stressful life event

Putting a duvet cover on has officially replaced divorce as the world’s most stressful life event.

The news won’t come as a shock to many who struggle weekly with putting the fucking thing on.

Student Jimmy Foureyes told GrumpyFuckers:

“I’ve been through a lot of shit in my life already but nothing compares to the sheer hell of trying to put a duvet cover on when you’re really tired. I literally just want to punch down all the walls in my bedroom, run out into the street and strangle the first person I come across. It’s that bad. How other people manage, I’ve got no fucking idea.”

Professor Tarquin Shitface, who led the survey that led to the outcome, said:

“I’m very posh so I pay someone to do mine. They bring in a team of people to do it. They come out very stressed. I can’t do it myself because I’m too posh.”

Posted on 12 Comments

REVEALED: 10 minutes of work makes you start using the word ‘fuck’ like a comma

annoying-fucker

A new survey has revealed that just 10 minutes of work can make people use the word ‘fuck’ as if they were commas.

The research was completed by a team at the University of Grumpy Fucks. They wanted to know why people were using the word so frequently.

Professor FuckFace who led the research, told GrumpyFuckers:

“We found that the workplace is a hotbed for profanity. People can arrive like Mother Theresa and within ten minutes, be at the point of ripping someone’s head off. A lot of it is to do with self-serving managers, who were often referred to as ‘cockwombles’. Other sources of frustration included shit coffee from the vending machine as well as conversations with customers. On one average day in an average workplace, you could expect to hear the word ‘fuck’ more than 20 times a minute. 78% of these expletives are mumbled under people’s breath or behind people’s back and our work was crucial in discovering that.”

Worker Jenny WideFlange, who took part in the survey, said:

“Yeah whatever. Fucking fuck fuck.”

birthday cards
4 for 3 offers on our birthday cards! Click on the image to browse

Posted on Leave a comment

REVEALED: The REAL reason why dogs farts are silent but deadly

For dog owners, dog farts are an all-out assault on the senses. The smell can overwhelm a fully-grown rhino and in some cases, people have lost vision for 24 hours after a particularly bad one.

The worst thing about them is that they come so unexpectedly, like some sneaky ninja creeping up behind you and shoving a hot turd in your face, and then running off laughing.

But scientists have revealed the real reason why dogs don’t make too much noise when they fart, and why they are so deadly.

Prof. Ian WiseGuy from the University of Little Hope told GrumpyFuckers:

“Dogs don’t worry too much about embarrassing themselves when farting like us humans do. As a result, their sphincters are less relaxed, allowing dogs to simply float air biscuits over a longer period of time. The brappage rating (the resistance of moving air against arse cheeks) is therefore considerably less, meaning that there is less sound. As for the awful smell – well, dogs eat all kinds of shit so that speaks for itself.”

You learn something new every day, don’t you?

Posted on 1 Comment

New ruling says two-faced friends ‘should get bitch-slapped twice’

A new ruling by the International Court has deemed that two-faced friends should be bitch-slapped twice – one for each face.

The new ruling is designed to provide victims of two-faced fuckers with some retribution.

A spokesman for the International Court told GrumpyFuckers:

“We’ve all been on the receiving end of some two-faced twat. This new ruling will allow victims to bitch-slap the offender twice. We have not set any limits on how hard these slaps can be, or indeed, how many times they can be delivered. The aim of this new ruling is to persuade people to be true to themselves and not to say one thing to one person and another thing to another.”

Campaigner Jimmy Fuckface added:

“This is a great day for justice. It means I can now pay a visit to all the two-faced twats and give them a good smack in the fact, not once – but twice. There is a God!”

Posted on Leave a comment

Man who invented the phrase ‘Good Morning’ found murdered

The man who invented the phrase ‘Good Morning’ has been found fatally murdered in his apartment.

Cheery John Smiley coined the phrase back in 1952 as a way of making his employees feel valued as they arrived for work. He was found dead last night.

A police spokeswoman told GrumpyFuckers:




“He had it coming for a long time. Who the fuck thought of putting the words ‘good’ and ‘morning’ together? What a dick! The worst thing about it was that this fucker meant it. There is absolutely nothing good about mornings and I applaud the grumpy fucker who put this asshole to sleep for good. Now pass me my coffee.”

The phrase ‘Good Morning’ has gone on to prove very popular with people who have no idea of what life is really like and these people are often referred to as ‘assholes’ behind their back. Smiley was often the target of Grumpy Fuckers who wanted the phrase banned.

Posted on Leave a comment

Man builds time machine to tell his 20 year old self to stop being a dick

A man has invented a time machine so that he can go back 20 years and tell himself to stop being such a dick.

Father-of-two Gary Glumchops built the machine after finding letters he’d written go girls, asking them to come round to his house to sit on his face.

Gary told GrumpyFuckers:

“Back in the day, I thought I was something special. I couldn’t understand why women didn’t want me. It’s only now that I’m older that I realise that I was an ugly fucker who thought about no-one but himself. I’ve spent the last three weeks in my shed building this machine and I’ll be going back in time on the weekend to give myself a stern word or two. Looking back, I can’t believe I was so much up my own ass. It’s no wonder I the girls were giving me the brush off. I believe that I can go back in time and slap myself around a bit and give myself a good talking to.”

Gary’s long-suffering wife Wendy said:

“I only married him because he got me pregnant. I’m hoping that he can talk some sense into himself.”

Posted on Leave a comment

Bill: I’m suffering from deep depression now I’m out of the limelight

Former internet star Bill the Stickman has revealed that he is in the grip of a deep depression since his fall from popularity.

Bill, whose real name is Bill, was an internet hit earlier this year but has recently lost form and is now barely referred to on social media.

He told GrumpyFuckers:

“Since February, it’s all turned to shit. Back in the day when I was King of Facebook, I thought I was set up for life. I had money coming in, I was popular with the ladies and I could even get upgraded to Premium Class at the airport just by giving the girl behind the desk a cheeky wink. These days, it’s all very different. All the money’s gone, I’ve got an empty fridge and I can’t get laid to save my life. It’s had such an effect on me that I’ve referred myself to the doctor and even she didn’t recognise me. I feel that my life has gone to waste now.”

Bill is currently staying on a friend’s couch and enjoys moaning about how shit his life is. His rise to fame was as rapid as his fall from grace. Most critics called him a ‘smart-arsed twat’.

Christmas-blue-scene-web
Our Christmas Shop is now open! Click on the image to visit
Posted on Leave a comment

Steak and Blowjob Day passes quietly for vegetarian lesbians

This year’s Steak and Blowjob Day passed quietly for vegetarian lesbians.

The day, celebrated as a ‘man’s holiday’ on March 14th, is traditionally celebrated by women providing steaks and blowjobs.

Vegetarian lesbian Ali BigNork told GrumpyFuckers:

“You really think I’d like to eat a chunk of cow that’s been dead for days and then follow that by necking some fella’s rancid knobend? No thanks. That’s not for me. I’d rather stock up on some fresh veggies and then get my gob around a nice pair of titties. That’s what life is about ultimately. I think there is some farmer somewhere who can’t shift his dead cows so he’s trying to spice things up a little by flogging it with a free blow job.”

Single man Terry Nutjob said:

“I was hoping that Steak and Blow Job day was going to be my chance to get some sort of action but sadly, all I managed was a bag of chips and a wank.”

Posted on Leave a comment

International Women’s Day events cancelled after venues run out of chocolate and wine

international womens day

Events marking International Women’s Day have been cancelled after venues ran out of chocolate and wine.

Delegates were forced to head home early, causing many of them to grumble and moan to their partners.

One woman told GrumpyFuckers:

“I was most disappointed. Okay, I arrived late because I didn’t realise how long it would take me to get ready but when I did arrive, I was most vexed to find that they’d run out of chocolate and wine. What the frig is all that about? Don’t they know who I am? I am a woman and if they want me to turn up to their shitty event, the least they could do is turn up with some chocolate and wine. I kicked right off and punched the manager. I’ll be going back tomorrow to fetch my handbag as I accidentally left it there.”

International Women’s Day is marked around the world and celebrates the fact that they are better than men at things like sewing, riding horses and putting makeup on.

Posted on Leave a comment

Twins demand refund on their FaceSwap app

twins

A pair of twins are demanding a refund after their FaceSwap app proved to be pointless.

Chris and Chris Gubbins bought the FaceSwap app from the Apple App store last week. The pair tried out their new app last night but found that it was a pile of shit.

Chris told GrumpyFuckers:

“We thought we’d get a laugh by putting some funny photos on Facebook. Not many people like us but lots of our friends are well-liked because they keep posting funny pictures to Facebook. We splashed out on this new app but we were thoroughly disappointed with the results. We looked exactly the same as we do when we haven’t swapped faces. I’ve decided that I’m going to write to our local paper about this and if they don’t do anything, I’m going to go to some bigger papers. They can’t keep making money out of people and not providing the service they promise.”

Brother Chris told GrumpyFuckers:

“We thought we’d get a laugh by putting some funny photos on Facebook. Not many people like us but lots of our friends are well-liked because they keep posting funny pictures to Facebook. We splashed out on this new app but we were thoroughly disappointed with the results. We looked exactly the same as we do when we haven’t swapped faces. I’ve decided that I’m going to write to our local paper about this and if they don’t do anything, I’m going to go to some bigger papers. They can’t keep making money out of people and not providing the service they promise.”

Posted on Leave a comment

Men to receive free ‘wash-up-as-you-go-along-lessons’

messy-kitchen

Men are to be given free ‘How-to-wash-up-as-you-go-along’ lessons in a new drive to tackle domestic disputes.

The government has made the announcement, following a recent rise in divorce rates, specifically linked to messy kitchens.

A spokesman told GrumpyFuckers:




“Us lads take a lot of pride in the kitchen when we’re preparing meals for our loved ones. But sadly, when the missis takes her plate back to the kitchen when she’s finished, all hell breaks loose when she sees the state of the kitchen. It’s often the cause of long silences on the sofa for the rest of the evening. We are looking to nip this in the bud by teaching men how to wash up as they go along.”

The initiative forms part of the government’s strategy to halt the decline of divorces. Figures show that messy kitchens accounted for 96% of divorces in 2013. One woman told GrumpyFuckers:

“We really don’t know how these men manage it. They manage to use EVERY plate, EVERY saucepan and EVERY knife and fork, just to boil an egg! Whereas we women like to wash as we go along, and in some cases, clean the kitchen before we sit down and eat our meal, men show a distinct lack of cleanliness and order. We welcome these new classes so we can show them how it’s really done.”

Classes will be rolled out in October, to run alongside with the existing ‘Teaching Men How To Put Things Back Where They Belong’ classes.

Posted on 6 Comments

New coffee range launched for non-morning people

A new range of coffee has been launched for people who don’t like mornings.

Grumpy Fuckers Coffee follows after the successful launch of Grumpy Fuckers Coffee shop in Cardiff. Manager Clive GrimGrits told GrumpyFuckers:




“Our shop has become the number one tourist destination here in Wales since we opened last year. Every morning, we get a load of grumpy-looking fuckers in here so we only thought it right that we launch our very own range of coffee. It means that people don’t even have to leave home to be a grumpy fucker – they can sit at home like a lardarse and be one. We’ve launched our first batch which looks like shit and tastes like shit and we are now looking at expanding our range.”

Customer Terry SourFace said:

“This coffee tastes like horseshit. And I’ve tasted horseshit. I love it.”

Another customer added:

“My life is so shit and this just rounds it off nicely.”

Christmas-blue-scene-web
Our Christmas Shop is now open! Click on the image to take a browse!

Posted on Leave a comment

Workers disappointed to find extra day is a Monday

Workers across the country have woken up to find themselves disappointed that the four-yearly extra day is a Monday.

Monday is traditionally the shittiest day of the week. One worker told GrumpyFuckers:

“Why couldn’t the extra day be a Sunday or even better, a Saturday? That way, I’d still have a Sunday to look forward to. As it is, I’ve now got to get through another shitty Monday – put up with all the same assholes in work after spending an hour getting there and then having to spend another hour getting home. Whoever invented this leap year shit should go stab themselves in the eye with a pointy stick. I don’t like it one bit.”

One employer said:

“We like to have this extra day in our calendar because we can get one day’s extra work out of all the minions without us having to pay the fuckers any extra.”

Posted on Leave a comment

People who get a bad night’s sleep 100% more likely to mention it on social media

People who have a bad night’s sleep are 100% more likely to mention it on social media.

That’s the conclusion of a study carried out by the University of Little Hope.

Professor CleverDick, who undertook the study, told GrumpyFuckers:




“People who don’t get a good night’s sleep feel the need to tell people that they are not getting a good night’s sleep. Often, the subjects will be awake for about 2 hours on average, but they are likely to double that average before posting the news to their social media account. We are not sure why this phenomenon occurs but it’s more likely to come from someone who’s feeling particularly needy. I myself, for instance, only had 3 hours of sleep last night and I felt that my friends should know about this. As it turned out, they couldn’t have given a shit and my Facebook status was wasted.”

The study showed that bad sleepers are also likely to act like arseholes during the day.

“We find that people who lack sleep at night are often grumpy fuckers during the day,” added Professor CleverDick.

Posted on 22 Comments

Grumpy fuckers preparing for International Grumpy Fuckers Day

Grumpy Fucker Day

Grumpy fuckers from all over the world are preparing for the first-ever worldwide International Grumpy Fuckers Day.

Monday 28th February will see grumpy fuckers from all over the world moaning about how shit their lives are like they do on any other day.

Organiser Clive GrimGrits, who runs Grumpy Fuckers’ Coffee Shop, told Grumpy Fuckers:

“This day will be like any other shitty old day except that on this one, we’ll be even more grumpy than usual. I’ve set up a Facebook page for people to come along and whinge and if they can’t be arsed to check it out, they can go fuck themselves. I’ve spent a lot of time and money on this so the least they can do is click a fucking button on their mouse.”

The day’s events will see people moping about their home towns with faces like slapped arses.

Posted on Leave a comment

Supermarkets start selling phallic vegetables to bored housewives

Supermarkets have started selling phallic vegetables to bored housewives under the guide of ‘wonky vegetable boxes’.

Sales of so-called ‘wonky boxes’, which are made up of the shit vegetables that no-one really wants, have risen dramatically since their launch last week.

Store manager Tony Grimm told GrumpyFuckers:




“We’re pretending that we’re cutting down on food waste by announcing these veggie boxes for sale but really we are looking to tap into the ‘fifty shades’ market. These housewives are bored shitless of their husbands and are looking for a new thrill. We like to think that we can offer a cheap and healthy alternative to electronic devices.”

Shopper and bored housewife Glenda DryFlaps said:

“I can’t wait to get this home! I’ve stocked up on cheap wine and I’ve got myself a box load of parsnips that look like giant cocks. I’m in for a good night.”

Posted on Leave a comment

Man manages to use every piece of kitchen equipment in his house to boil one egg

A British man has broken the world record for using the most amount of kitchen utensils and saucepans to make one boiled egg.

Stanley Undergroin used 15 spoons, 9 knives, 6 forks, 3 spatulas, 17 different saucepans – and everything else he could lay his hands on to cook the egg.

His wife Mildred told Grumpy Fuckers:




“Stanley was very proud when he came into the living room with his boiled egg. It’s the first thing he’s ever cooked in his life. I was very proud of him too, especially since the only time he’s ever been in the kitchen was to puke his guts up in the sink.”

But things soon turned sour when Mildred went into the kitchen an hour later.

“It looked like Hiroshima. There were pots and pans all over the place, food all up the walls, cups everywhere – and every single piece of cutlery had been used. I went ape shit. He’d used so many plates to cook the egg that he had eat the fucking thing off his lap,” she added.

Stanley has since been banned from entering the kitchen, apart from emergencies when he needs to puke his guts up in the kitchen sink.”

Christmas-blue-scene-web
Our Christmas Shop is now open! Click on the image to take a browse!

Posted on Leave a comment

PROVEN: Coffee saves thousands of arrests every morning

Coffee saves thousands of people being arrested every morning, according to a recent survey.

The survey, carried out by the University of Little Hope, published its findings yesterday. It also concluded that prison population was kept down by up to 50% thanks to the wonder drink.

Professor Frank FourEyes, who led the survey, told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We all love a coffee now and then but for some people, it’s literally the only thing stopping them from being arrested every morning. Our survey showed that people are relying on this shit to make them socially acceptable, albeit for a few hours. If coffee didn’t exist, our data shows that thousands more people would be arrested every morning, putting a strain on our country’s resources. In some cases, we found that someone going without coffee in the mornings turns them into the biggest grumpy fucker the world has ever seen. In controlled experiments, we were able to turn grumpy fuckers into semi-normal functioning human beings with just a few cups of coffee. It’s really quite scary.”

Jenny Slut, who took part in the survey said:

“If I don’t get my coffee first thing in the morning, I turn into something out of the Walking Dead. And I don’t mean that nice looking fella with the leather waistcoat.”

birthday cards
4 for 3 offers on our birthday cards! Click on the image to browse
Posted on 1 Comment

Wife who told husband not to buy anything for her birthday disappointed that husband didn’t buy anything for her birthday

A woman who specifically told her husband not to buy her anything for her birthday has told of her disappointment that her husband didn’t buy her anything for her birthday.

Joan ‘Joan’ Strumpet, 39, told her husband not to spend any money on her birthday but to put it towards a holiday. Husband Dean didn’t buy anything, leaving Joan feeling disappointed.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:




“When I told him that I didn’t want anything for my birthday, I was kind of hoping that he read between the lines and went out and bought something. When I said that I didn’t want anything, I did of course mean that I would have liked something. It didn’t have to be anything super-expensive, but just something that showed a little bit of thought. As it is, he’s bought fuck all, making my birthday an absolutely shit one.”

Husband Dean added:

“I’m mightily confused. I thought that when she said not to buy anything, that she meant not to buy anything. She did the same last night when I asked her if she wanted anything from the shop. She said ‘no’ and then kicked off that I hadn’t bought her chocolate.”