A Russian father has been stripped of his title of Father’s Champion at the Dad’s Race at his local school.
It follows news that Igor ‘Lightning Sneakers’ Nokabolokov had been using anabolic steroids for 6 months in preparation for the race.
Headteacher Timmy Smartshoes told WalesOnCraic:
“He went like shit off a shovel. Some of the other lads were still lacing up their sneakers by the time Igor got to the finish line. We suspected that something was up when he started injecting himself in his arse about half an hour before the race. He had no qualms about doing it in front of everyone. When he got to the start line, he was smacking himself around the face and making a noise like a horse braying. Our deputy head fired the gun and he was gone. We gave him the title of Lightning Sneakers because he won the race but then we started smelling a rat. We hauled him into my office and asked him outright whether he’d been taking any banned substances. We were there for 3 hours.”
The title of Lightning Sneakers, Champion of the Dads was later handed to Brian Gunt, who came in second on the day.
A leading scientist has proven the theory that open plan offices turn normal people into Grumpy Fuckers.
Professor CleverCloggs of No Hope University published his findings at a press conference yesterday. He told reporters:
“We’ve all known it for years but open plan offices are a total shower of shit. Managers simply insist on them so that they can keep an eye on members of staff. We studied 190 open plan offices across the country and we found time and time again that people begin their working life as normal human beings and within six weeks, are the grumpiest fuckers on earth. We’d like to see an abolition of open plan offices to make the world a better place all round.”
Joe FatHead, an office worker who took part in the study, told Grumpy Fuckers:
“When I started my job three years ago, I was the nicest person you could ever meet. Now I’m just a grumpy old fucker and I put that down to the fact that I work in an open plan office. I can’t phone my girl, I can’t scratch my arse – I can’t even sleep on the job. I hate it.”
The release of Grand Auto Theft Go has been blamed for a rise in traffic offences and fisticuffs between strangers.
The game, which was launched following the success of Pokemon Go, allows people to play the game in the real world with their handheld phones.
One gamer told GrumpyFuckers:
“It’s great. So far, I’ve smashed up 23 cars, ran over 79 people and killed 410. It’s just like being in the real world. I’ve also managed to acquire a helicopter which I never thought I’d ever have, plus I found a few Pokemon while I was out beating the shit out of people. It’s all good.”
Sgt. GrimGrits, spokesman for the local police, added:
“This game has had our officers handing out parking fines all over the place. Before we know it, we’ll have all kinds of disturbances going on down here. Someone needs to put a stop to this.”
Coffee was invented to keep workers busy until the got drunk in the evenings.
That’s the claim made by a leading historian about the origins of the drink.
Professor CleverClogs told GrumpyFuckers:
“This shit wasn’t just discovered. It was invented in a lab by a man called Mr Coffee on behalf of the government. They were sick and tired of their workers coming into work and doing jack shit. They needed something that would give them a massive kick up the arse – and something that would keep them addicted. Alcohol was their way of getting through the nights but there was something missing – something lacking during the daytime. These days of course, people drink enough coffee in a year to float the QE2. Meanwhile, Mr Coffee is sunning his peachy arse on a beach in Bermuda – toasting the success of his invention.”
Two grumpy f*ckers had smiles put on their faces when they found a Pokemon living in the arsecheeks of a fat stripper.
Andy and Chris, both 35, found the Pokemon after downloading the Pokemon Go app last night.
Andy told GrumpyFuckers:
“I’ve been a right miserable shit these last few weeks. The last thing I thought would cheer me up was finding an imaginary cartoon character between a fat woman’s buns. Me and Chris were just wandering around like to dickheads when all of a sudden, we spotted it. My life has now totally changed for me – I feel like a new man.”
Friend Chris wasn’t so impressed.
“I just wanted to go and see a fat woman getting her kit off. This has been a real distraction.”
Chris did finally smile for the camera when the fat woman agreed to have her photo taken with the boys.
A smelly bus passenger has sat next to the only other other passenger on a bus, despite there being 47 other empty seats available.
Sandy BigMuff was travelling home from work when the smelly passenger got on. She told GrumpyFuckers:
“I was happy enough sat on my own when the bus pulled over to pick up another passenger. He paid the driver and then took a long look around the bus at all the empty seats. The next thing I know is that he’s sticking his stinking ass right next to my seat. He had a horrible smell about him – like warm chicken soup. To make things worse, I had to get off at the next stop so I had all the hassle of asking him to move. There should be a law against this sort of thing – in fact, I’m going to write to my local newspaper right now. This country has gone to the shithouse.”
CityLine Bus, who runs the service, was asked for a comment about the story.
“Couldn’t give a shit, mate,” was their official comment.
A builder has been deceiving the general public for seven months by keeping his tools in his van overnight, despite a sticker to the contrary.
Jimmy ArseCrack, who has been a builder for 3 years, told GrumpyFuckers:
“I am aware that some people like to break into vans like mine to steal tools, which they can then sell on Ebay. I had the brainwave of sticking a sticker in my van window, saying that I didn’t keep any tools in my van overnight, but really, and don’t tell anyone this – I keep them in the van overnight. Oh how I laugh when thieves walk past my van, totally unaware that my tools are in the van. I can’t believe that I’ve been able to keep my tools in the van for so long.”
Greg Wideboy, who lives next door to Jimmy was shocked to find out that he’d been keeping his tools in his van overnight.
“His sticker explicitly says that he doesn’t keep his tools in his van overnight. At first, I was really hurt that he could lie to me like that, but then I realised what a genius he is.”
Jimmy is thinking of selling the stickers so that more builders can keep their tools in their vans overnight.
*Updated. Jimmy’s van has been broken into. The thief got away with all his tools.
A man has pretended to speak on his phone to avoid talking to someone he knew who was coming the other way.
Darryl Turd was walking to work this morning when he spotted an old friend, Simon Gunt, coming towards him.
Gunt told GrumpyFuckers:
“I was about to say hello when his phone apparently rang and he picked up. There was no ringtone and the asshole pretended that he was on the phone until well after I’d walked past him. I know he wasn’t really on the phone because he had it upside down for starters. It was a real shame because I wanted to ask him why he’s such an asshole – the last time he saw me, he jumped on a bus.”
Turd was unavailable for comment but his neighbour said that was a proper grumpy fucker.
A new scheme that rates the grumpiness of shop assistants has been launched nationwide.
The scheme rates shop assistants for their grumpiness. By law, they have to display their ratings in their shop window.
A spokeswoman for the scheme told GrumpyFuckers.com:
“We’ve all been into a shop where the shop assistant has been a total grumpy fucker to say the least. Our new scheme allows us to independently rate all our local shops for their grumpy attitude and give customers some warning of what they can expect inside. By law, they have to show their ratings in their shop window so there’ll be no getting away from the fact that you’re going to be served by some grumpy fucker.”
One shopper added:
“I think it’s a great idea but then I said that about marrying my husband and what an asshole he turned out to be.”
Jazz musicians across the world have admitted for the first time that they just play any old shit they want.
The revelation comes after a local jazz festival was cancelled due to poor ticket sales.
Festival organiser Jimmy FlangeLips told GrumpyFuckers:
“We weren’t selling many tickets and we were trying to find out why. We tried to get a bit of feedback from people and they mainly said that they couldn’t sing along to the music because the musicians were playing a different tune each night. We put this to the musicians themselves and they admitted that they just play whatever they want.”
One musician, who didn’t want to be named said:
“I’ve never learned to play an instrument in my life. I just pick up a trumpet and play any old shit that comes out of my mouth. People love it and pay me good money to listen to it so why should I stop?”
A call for a ban on male porn stars wearing their socks while having sex has been made by an industry pressure group.
We Want Sex, Not Sox has called for the complete ban of porn stars wearing socks while sticking their bits inside other people’s bits.
Spokesman Glenda Slackflaps told GrumpyFuckers:
“We see the same thing over and over again – bit strapping lads who’ll show off everything they’ve got apart from their little pinkies. We say that they either get everything off or they go home. We’re not going to put up with it any longer. There’d be outrage if a female porn star decided to wear socks. In fact, we know of one star who had cold feet and wore a pair of footsies and her career never recovered.”
One male porn star, who didn’t want to be identified said:
A man who spent his entire life working to pay his bills has died.
Jimmy Waster started work at the age of 15 and has worked most days since. He was 62 when he died.
His wife Janice said:
“He spent his entire life working to pay the bills. I can’t think of one thing that he’s left behind that will make the world a better place. Apart from our swimming pool which is kind of cute except when the dog craps in it.”
Jimmy started his life of work cleaning shoes at a local shop. He then spent 50 years working in a shoe shop selling shoes. He was hoping to retire and see the rest of his days out relaxing with his family and do all the things he’d always wanted to do. He died however and that was that.
Putting a duvet cover on has officially replaced divorce as the world’s most stressful life event.
The news won’t come as a shock to many who struggle weekly with putting the fucking thing on.
Student Jimmy Foureyes told GrumpyFuckers:
“I’ve been through a lot of shit in my life already but nothing compares to the sheer hell of trying to put a duvet cover on when you’re really tired. I literally just want to punch down all the walls in my bedroom, run out into the street and strangle the first person I come across. It’s that bad. How other people manage, I’ve got no fucking idea.”
Professor Tarquin Shitface, who led the survey that led to the outcome, said:
“I’m very posh so I pay someone to do mine. They bring in a team of people to do it. They come out very stressed. I can’t do it myself because I’m too posh.”
A new survey has revealed that just 10 minutes of work can make people use the word ‘fuck’ as if they were commas.
The research was completed by a team at the University of Grumpy Fucks. They wanted to know why people were using the word so frequently.
Professor FuckFace who led the research, told GrumpyFuckers:
“We found that the workplace is a hotbed for profanity. People can arrive like Mother Theresa and within ten minutes, be at the point of ripping someone’s head off. A lot of it is to do with self-serving managers, who were often referred to as ‘cockwombles’. Other sources of frustration included shit coffee from the vending machine as well as conversations with customers. On one average day in an average workplace, you could expect to hear the word ‘fuck’ more than 20 times a minute. 78% of these expletives are mumbled under people’s breath or behind people’s back and our work was crucial in discovering that.”
Worker Jenny WideFlange, who took part in the survey, said:
For dog owners, dog farts are an all-out assault on the senses. The smell can overwhelm a fully-grown rhino and in some cases, people have lost vision for 24 hours after a particularly bad one.
The worst thing about them is that they come so unexpectedly, like some sneaky ninja creeping up behind you and shoving a hot turd in your face, and then running off laughing.
But scientists have revealed the real reason why dogs don’t make too much noise when they fart, and why they are so deadly.
Prof. Ian WiseGuy from the University of Little Hope told GrumpyFuckers:
“Dogs don’t worry too much about embarrassing themselves when farting like us humans do. As a result, their sphincters are less relaxed, allowing dogs to simply float air biscuits over a longer period of time. The brappage rating (the resistance of moving air against arse cheeks) is therefore considerably less, meaning that there is less sound. As for the awful smell – well, dogs eat all kinds of shit so that speaks for itself.”
A new ruling by the International Court has deemed that two-faced friends should be bitch-slapped twice – one for each face.
The new ruling is designed to provide victims of two-faced fuckers with some retribution.
A spokesman for the International Court told GrumpyFuckers:
“We’ve all been on the receiving end of some two-faced twat. This new ruling will allow victims to bitch-slap the offender twice. We have not set any limits on how hard these slaps can be, or indeed, how many times they can be delivered. The aim of this new ruling is to persuade people to be true to themselves and not to say one thing to one person and another thing to another.”
Campaigner Jimmy Fuckface added:
“This is a great day for justice. It means I can now pay a visit to all the two-faced twats and give them a good smack in the fact, not once – but twice. There is a God!”
The man who invented the phrase ‘Good Morning’ has been found fatally murdered in his apartment.
Cheery John Smiley coined the phrase back in 1952 as a way of making his employees feel valued as they arrived for work. He was found dead last night.
A police spokeswoman told GrumpyFuckers:
“He had it coming for a long time. Who the fuck thought of putting the words ‘good’ and ‘morning’ together? What a dick! The worst thing about it was that this fucker meant it. There is absolutely nothing good about mornings and I applaud the grumpy fucker who put this asshole to sleep for good. Now pass me my coffee.”
The phrase ‘Good Morning’ has gone on to prove very popular with people who have no idea of what life is really like and these people are often referred to as ‘assholes’ behind their back. Smiley was often the target of Grumpy Fuckers who wanted the phrase banned.
A man has invented a time machine so that he can go back 20 years and tell himself to stop being such a dick.
Father-of-two Gary Glumchops built the machine after finding letters he’d written go girls, asking them to come round to his house to sit on his face.
Gary told GrumpyFuckers:
“Back in the day, I thought I was something special. I couldn’t understand why women didn’t want me. It’s only now that I’m older that I realise that I was an ugly fucker who thought about no-one but himself. I’ve spent the last three weeks in my shed building this machine and I’ll be going back in time on the weekend to give myself a stern word or two. Looking back, I can’t believe I was so much up my own ass. It’s no wonder I the girls were giving me the brush off. I believe that I can go back in time and slap myself around a bit and give myself a good talking to.”
Gary’s long-suffering wife Wendy said:
“I only married him because he got me pregnant. I’m hoping that he can talk some sense into himself.”
Former internet star Bill the Stickman has revealed that he is in the grip of a deep depression since his fall from popularity.
Bill, whose real name is Bill, was an internet hit earlier this year but has recently lost form and is now barely referred to on social media.
He told GrumpyFuckers:
“Since February, it’s all turned to shit. Back in the day when I was King of Facebook, I thought I was set up for life. I had money coming in, I was popular with the ladies and I could even get upgraded to Premium Class at the airport just by giving the girl behind the desk a cheeky wink. These days, it’s all very different. All the money’s gone, I’ve got an empty fridge and I can’t get laid to save my life. It’s had such an effect on me that I’ve referred myself to the doctor and even she didn’t recognise me. I feel that my life has gone to waste now.”
Bill is currently staying on a friend’s couch and enjoys moaning about how shit his life is. His rise to fame was as rapid as his fall from grace. Most critics called him a ‘smart-arsed twat’.
This year’s Steak and Blowjob Day passed quietly for vegetarian lesbians.
The day, celebrated as a ‘man’s holiday’ on March 14th, is traditionally celebrated by women providing steaks and blowjobs.
Vegetarian lesbian Ali BigNork told GrumpyFuckers:
“You really think I’d like to eat a chunk of cow that’s been dead for days and then follow that by necking some fella’s rancid knobend? No thanks. That’s not for me. I’d rather stock up on some fresh veggies and then get my gob around a nice pair of titties. That’s what life is about ultimately. I think there is some farmer somewhere who can’t shift his dead cows so he’s trying to spice things up a little by flogging it with a free blow job.”
Single man Terry Nutjob said:
“I was hoping that Steak and Blow Job day was going to be my chance to get some sort of action but sadly, all I managed was a bag of chips and a wank.”
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