Category Archives: News

Manager forgets to thank member of staff who put in extra hours to meet a bullshit deadline that didn’t matter

A manager has forgotten to thank his member of staff for putting in extra hours of work to meet a deadline. The deadline was a bullshit one that really didn’t matter and the member of staff wasn’t paid any extra. The anonymous member of staff told Grumpy Fuckers: “I had so many chances to get […]

Local feminist dinner party ends in violence after everyone refuses to wash up

A dinner party hosted by a local Feminist Association Group erupted into violence last night after members refused to wash the dishes afterwards. Police were called in after they received calls from worried neighbours. Three women were arrested and charged with anything police could find at the station. One party-goer, who didn’t want to be […]

Record applications for Grumpy Fucker of the Year competition

The annual Grumpy Fucker of the Year Award has received a record number of applications. The event, which crowns the world’s most grumpiest fucker, has been running since 2002. Clive GrimGrits who runs the awards said: “Yeah, we’ve had loads of entries. What else do you want to know?” Gordon Gunt who sent his application […]

Woman admitted to hospital with severe shock after teenager son tidies room

A woman has been admitted to hospital with severe shock after she discovered that her teenage son had tidied his room. Sheila Largecalves had returned home from work early after suffering from the shits. She arrived home to find her son’s bedroom in an acceptable condition. Her husband Len told Grumpy Fuckers: “I hadn’t noticed […]

28% of population consider the coffee bean as their birth stone

A staggering 28% of the population now consider the coffee bean as their birth stone. The figure was recently published in a report that no one really gives a shit about. Gordon FatArse, who undertook the study told Grumpy Fuckers: “Life these days is pretty hectic and rather than turning to hardcore drugs, people are […]

‘Asshole’ officially the most common word used by motorists

The word ‘asshole’ has been officially announced as the most common word used by motorists. The announcement was made by Reg Plate, who has been conducting a survey of popular words used by motorists since last year. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “By far and away, ‘asshole’ was the word that most motorists used the most. […]

Russian father stripped of Dad’s Race Champion title at child’s Sports Day due to drug misuse

A Russian father has been stripped of his title of Father’s Champion at the Dad’s Race at his local school. It follows news that Igor ‘Lightning Sneakers’ Nokabolokov had been using anabolic steroids for 6 months in preparation for the race. Headteacher Timmy Smartshoes told WalesOnCraic: “He went like shit off a shovel. Some of […]

PROVEN: Open plan offices turn normal people into total Grumpy Fuckers

A leading scientist has proven the theory that open plan offices turn normal people into Grumpy Fuckers. Professor CleverCloggs of No Hope University published his findings at a press conference yesterday. He told reporters: “We’ve all known it for years but open plan offices are a total shower of shit. Managers simply insist on them […]

Grand Auto Theft Go blamed for traffic offences and scuffles

The release of Grand Auto Theft Go has been blamed for a rise in traffic offences and fisticuffs between strangers. The game, which was launched following the success of Pokemon Go, allows people to play the game in the real world with their handheld phones. One gamer told GrumpyFuckers: “It’s great. So far, I’ve smashed […]

Coffee invented to keep workers busy until they got drunk

Coffee was invented to keep workers busy until the got drunk in the evenings. That’s the claim made by a leading historian about the origins of the drink. Professor CleverClogs told GrumpyFuckers: “This shit wasn’t just discovered. It was invented in a lab by a man called Mr Coffee on behalf of the government. They […]

Two Grumpy F*ckers cheered up after finding Pokemon in fat stripper’s arse

Two grumpy f*ckers had smiles put on their faces when they found a Pokemon living in the arsecheeks of a fat stripper. Andy and Chris, both 35, found the Pokemon after downloading the Pokemon Go app last night. Andy told GrumpyFuckers: “I’ve been a right miserable shit these last few weeks. The last thing I […]

Smelly bus passenger decides to sit next to only other passenger on nearly empty bus

A smelly bus passenger has sat next to the only other other passenger on a bus, despite there being 47 other empty seats available. Sandy BigMuff was travelling home from work when the smelly passenger got on. She told GrumpyFuckers: “I was happy enough sat on my own when the bus pulled over to pick […]

Grumpy Fucker shop assistant ratings scheme launched

A new scheme that rates the grumpiness of shop assistants has been launched nationwide. The scheme rates shop assistants for their grumpiness. By law, they have to display their ratings in their shop window. A spokeswoman for the scheme told “We’ve all been into a shop where the shop assistant has been a total […]

Jazz musicians admit that they play any old shit they want

Jazz musicians across the world have admitted for the first time that they just play any old shit they want. The revelation comes after a local jazz festival was cancelled due to poor ticket sales. Festival organiser Jimmy FlangeLips told GrumpyFuckers: “We weren’t selling many tickets and we were trying to find out why. We […]