Category Archives: News

Putting duvet cover on when tired replaces divorce as world’s most stressful life event

Putting a duvet cover on has officially replaced divorce as the world’s most stressful life event. The news won’t come as a shock to many who struggle weekly with putting the fucking thing on. Student Jimmy Foureyes told GrumpyFuckers: “I’ve been through a lot of shit in my life already but nothing compares to the […]

New ruling says two-faced friends ‘should get bitch-slapped twice’

A new ruling by the International Court has deemed that two-faced friends should be bitch-slapped twice – one for each face. The new ruling is designed to provide victims of two-faced fuckers with some retribution. A spokesman for the International Court told GrumpyFuckers: “We’ve all been on the receiving end of some two-faced twat. This […]

Man builds time machine to tell his 20 year old self to stop being a dick

A man has invented a time machine so that he can go back 20 years and tell himself to stop being such a dick. Father-of-two Gary Glumchops built the machine after finding letters he’d written go girls, asking them to come round to his house to sit on his face. Gary told GrumpyFuckers: “Back in […]

Bill: I’m suffering from deep depression now I’m out of the limelight

Former internet star Bill the Stickman has revealed that he is in the grip of a deep depression since his fall from popularity. Bill, whose real name is Bill, was an internet hit earlier this year but has recently lost form and is now barely referred to on social media. He told GrumpyFuckers: “Since February, […]

Steak and Blowjob Day passes quietly for vegetarian lesbians

This year’s Steak and Blowjob Day passed quietly for vegetarian lesbians. The day, celebrated as a ‘man’s holiday’ on March 14th, is traditionally celebrated by women providing steaks and blowjobs. Vegetarian lesbian Ali BigNork told GrumpyFuckers: “You really think I’d like to eat a chunk of cow that’s been dead for days and then follow […]

International Women’s Day events cancelled after venues run out of chocolate and wine

international womens day

Events marking International Women’s Day have been cancelled after venues ran out of chocolate and wine. Delegates were forced to head home early, causing many of them to grumble and moan to their partners. One woman told GrumpyFuckers: “I was most disappointed. Okay, I arrived late because I didn’t realise how long it would take […]

Men to receive free ‘wash-up-as-you-go-along-lessons’


Men are to be given free ‘How-to-wash-up-as-you-go-along’ lessons in a new drive to tackle domestic disputes. The government has made the announcement, following a recent rise in divorce rates, specifically linked to messy kitchens. A spokesman told GrumpyFuckers: “Us lads take a lot of pride in the kitchen when we’re preparing meals for our loved […]

New coffee range launched for non-morning people

A new range of coffee has been launched for people who don’t like mornings. Grumpy Fuckers Coffee follows after the successful launch of Grumpy Fuckers Coffee shop in Cardiff. Manager Clive GrimGrits told GrumpyFuckers: “Our shop has become the number one tourist destination here in Wales since we opened last year. Every morning, we get […]

Workers disappointed to find extra day is a Monday

Workers across the country have woken up to find themselves disappointed that the four-yearly extra day is a Monday. Monday is traditionally the shittiest day of the week. One worker told GrumpyFuckers: “Why couldn’t the extra day be a Sunday or even better, a Saturday? That way, I’d still have a Sunday to look forward […]

People who get a bad night’s sleep 100% more likely to mention it on social media

People who have a bad night’s sleep are 100% more likely to mention it on social media. That’s the conclusion of a study carried out by the University of Little Hope. Professor CleverDick, who undertook the study, told GrumpyFuckers: “People who don’t get a good night’s sleep feel the need to tell people that they […]

Grumpy fuckers preparing for International Grumpy Fuckers Day

Grumpy Fucker Day

Grumpy fuckers from all over the world are preparing for the first-ever worldwide International Grumpy Fuckers Day. Monday 28th February will see grumpy fuckers from all over the world moaning about how shit their lives are like they do on any other day. Organiser Clive GrimGrits, who runs Grumpy Fuckers’ Coffee Shop, told Grumpy Fuckers: […]

Supermarkets start selling phallic vegetables to bored housewives

Supermarkets have started selling phallic vegetables to bored housewives under the guide of ‘wonky vegetable boxes’. Sales of so-called ‘wonky boxes’, which are made up of the shit vegetables that no-one really wants, have risen dramatically since their launch last week. Store manager Tony Grimm told GrumpyFuckers: “We’re pretending that we’re cutting down on food […]

Man manages to use every piece of kitchen equipment in his house to boil one egg

A British man has broken the world record for using the most amount of kitchen utensils and saucepans to make one boiled egg. Stanley Undergroin used 15 spoons, 9 knives, 6 forks, 3 spatulas, 17 different saucepans – and everything else he could lay his hands on to cook the egg. His wife Mildred told […]

Wife who told husband not to buy anything for her birthday disappointed that husband didn’t buy anything for her birthday

A woman who specifically told her husband not to buy her anything for her birthday has told of her disappointment that her husband didn’t buy her anything for her birthday. Joan ‘Joan’ Strumpet, 39, told her husband not to spend any money on her birthday but to put it towards a holiday. Husband Dean didn’t […]

Man in hospital after attempting to cross lake on a rowing machine

A man is in hospital after he tried rowing his rowing machine across a lake. Gordon Fuckwit took his BodyMax R50 rowing machine out onto the water last night. He managed to get just 35 meters before the machine sank. Fuckwit was taken to hospital suffering mild drowning. He told GrumpyFuckers: “My wife keeps telling […]

Moaning about being single on Valentine’s Day is top reason why people are single on Valentine’s Day

People moaning about being single on Valentine’s Day has come out as the top reason why people are single on Valentine’s Day. The recent survey also found that Valentine’s Day is no different than any other day of the life of singletons. Professor CockJockey who led the survey, told GrumpyFuckers: “It’s a well-known fact that […]

Woman accidentally picks up bag of donuts instead of bag of organic vegetables at local store

A woman has mistaken a bag of organic vegetables for a bag of jam donuts at a local supermarket. Jenny ‘Wobbly’ Webbly picked up the bag of donuts in error at her local Kwik Save store. She had been intending to pick up a bag of mixed organic vegetables. Jenny told GrumpyFuckers: “I really don’t […]