Category Archives: News

World dickhead population reaches critical levels

Record levels of dickheads were recorded last month, sparking fears that the world is in the midst of a dickhead pandemic. The world saw a 14% rise in dickheads in the last month alone. Professor Freddy Fuckface told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve never seen it this bad in all my life and I’m an old fucker. […]

World Day of Peace disrupted by a FUCKING ALARM CLOCK

The World Day of Peace has been disrupted by a fucking alarm clock. The annual day, dedicated to peace across the globe, went tits up after a shitty alarm clock woke those observing the holiday. One observer told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve been looking forward to this day all year. It’s the only day when I […]

Cats can speak – but choose not to

A very clever cat expert has proved that cats can actually speak but choose not to. Cats are renowned for not giving a flying fuck about their owners or anything else for that matter. Gary ‘Whiskers’ Fourpaws told GrumpyFuckers: “We did some kind of experiment that was highly top secret so I can’t tell you […]

Appropriate Eyebrow Education to be taught in schools

Appropriate Eyebrow Education is to be taught in schools for the first time from October. New directives are set to warn children about the dangers of looking like a cockwomble. A government spokeswoman said: “Ten years ago, eyebrows weren’t a problem. The one day, a beauty technician who was having a quiet week thought up […]

Police given new powers to beat shit out of parking fuckwits

The government has granted new powers to police to allow them to beat the shit out of people who can’t park their cars. It follows months of pressure from motorists who can’t find a place to park because some other dickhead can’t park their own cars properly. Campaigner Debbie Moany told Grumpy Fuckers: “We are […]

Official: 83% of the population are Coffee Sluts

A large proportion of the population would describe themselves as Coffee Sluts, according to latest figures. The rise appears to come in response to the recent rise of fuckwits and cockwombles in society. A spokesman for The Coffee Analysis Foundation said: “We’ve got Coffee Sluts left, right and centre. We’ve got Coffee Sluts all over […]

Flat-earthers seek global following

Flat-earthers have launched a new initiative to increase their global following. Followers of the concept say that they want to increase followers in all corners of the globe. Chief flat-earther Billy Fuckwit told GrumpyFuckers: “Since Neil Armstrong went to the moon, we’ve had people leaving our ranks in their tens. Of course, all of that […]

Breakfast radio DJs told to stop being so fucking happy


Breakfast radio DJs across the country have been instructed to stop sounding so fucking happy. Critics have complained that sounding so happy about life so early in the morning is unnatural, and should be banned. Frank Grumblebags of the National Council of Radio Stations said: “We’ve been having happy DJs first thing in the morning […]

Silent hairdressers opens for grumpy fuckers who hate small talk

A silent hairdressers has opened for grumpy fuckers who hate small talk. Grumpy Fuckers’ Hair Salon opened its doors yesterday and was overwhelmed by demand. Manager Sheila Fuckwit told Grumpy Fuckers: “We appreciate that lots of fuckers just want to come in and get their hair cut. We hate talking shit as much as the […]

Famous coffee shop changes its name to Grumpy Fuckers Covfefe Shop

World-famous coffee shop Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop has changed its name to Grumpy Fuckers Covfefe Shop in honour of Donald Trump’s now infamous tweet. Trump was reportedly halfway through a tweet when the magic mushrooms he’d taken kicked in. A spokesman for the White House said: “These are the words of a true leader. People […]

Man visits gym but forgets to ‘check-in’ on Facebook

A local man has visited his local gym and forgotten to ‘check-in’ on Facebook. The dickhead, who didn’t want to be named for fear of embarrassment, visited Big Guns Gym last week. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “I still can’t get my head around the fact that I went there, did a really good workout and […]

Woman who seduced man with her Fuck Me Shoes in nightclub put on Fuck Off Slippers when she got home

A woman who seduced a man in a nightclub wearing her Fuck Me Shoes replaced them with her Fuck Off Slippers when she got back to her place. Frank Boner thought his luck was in after Denise Wideflaps gave him the come-on in Jurassic Park nightclub but she wanted to sleep instead. He told Grumpy […]

Company advertises vacancy for Office Arsehole

A local company has officially advertised a paid position of Office Arsehole. The company has been inundated with applications from arseholes all over the country. Jimmy FudgeFingers who placed the advert said: “Every office has an arsehole, some more than others. We thought we’d embrace this wonderful diversity that Office Arseholes bring to the world […]

Man spends who spent his entire life paying bills dies

A man who has spent his entire life paying bills has died. Clarence Dullard started paying his bills when he was just 16 years and spent the following 71 years paying them. Daughter Molly said: “Dad spent his entire life paying bills but sadly after paying them for 71 years, he died. We were watching […]

The total number of minutes that mums get to themselves in a day is fuck all

The total number of minutes that mums get to themselves has been totted up by someone very clever. They’ve concluded that the amount of minutes that mums get to themselves in any given day is ‘fuck all’. Peter ‘Pied’ Piper who made the findings said: “We tried to speak to mums to get some feedback […]