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Supermarkets start selling phallic vegetables to bored housewives

wonky veg

Supermarkets have started selling phallic vegetables to bored housewives under the guide of ‘wonky vegetable boxes’.

Sales of so-called ‘wonky boxes’, which are made up of the shit vegetables that no-one really wants, have risen dramatically since their launch last week.

Store manager Tony Grimm told GrumpyFuckers:




“We’re pretending that we’re cutting down on food waste by announcing these veggie boxes for sale but really we are looking to tap into the ‘fifty shades’ market. These housewives are bored shitless of their husbands and are looking for a new thrill. We like to think that we can offer a cheap and healthy alternative to electronic devices.”

Shopper and bored housewife Glenda DryFlaps said:

“I can’t wait to get this home! I’ve stocked up on cheap wine and I’ve got myself a box load of parsnips that look like giant cocks. I’m in for a good night.”

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Man manages to use every piece of kitchen equipment in his house to boil one egg

messy kitchen

A British man has broken the world record for using the most amount of kitchen utensils and saucepans to make one boiled egg.

Stanley Undergroin used 15 spoons, 9 knives, 6 forks, 3 spatulas, 17 different saucepans – and everything else he could lay his hands on to cook the egg.

His wife Mildred told Grumpy Fuckers:




“Stanley was very proud when he came into the living room with his boiled egg. It’s the first thing he’s ever cooked in his life. I was very proud of him too, especially since the only time he’s ever been in the kitchen was to puke his guts up in the sink.”

But things soon turned sour when Mildred went into the kitchen an hour later.

“It looked like Hiroshima. There were pots and pans all over the place, food all up the walls, cups everywhere – and every single piece of cutlery had been used. I went ape shit. He’d used so many plates to cook the egg that he had eat the fucking thing off his lap,” she added.

Stanley has since been banned from entering the kitchen, apart from emergencies when he needs to puke his guts up in the kitchen sink.”

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PROVEN: Coffee saves thousands of arrests every morning

huge coffee

Coffee saves thousands of people being arrested every morning, according to a recent survey.

The survey, carried out by the University of Little Hope, published its findings yesterday. It also concluded that prison population was kept down by up to 50% thanks to the wonder drink.

Professor Frank FourEyes, who led the survey, told Grumpy Fuckers:




“We all love a coffee now and then but for some people, it’s literally the only thing stopping them from being arrested every morning. Our survey showed that people are relying on this shit to make them socially acceptable, albeit for a few hours. If coffee didn’t exist, our data shows that thousands more people would be arrested every morning, putting a strain on our country’s resources. In some cases, we found that someone going without coffee in the mornings turns them into the biggest grumpy fucker the world has ever seen. In controlled experiments, we were able to turn grumpy fuckers into semi-normal functioning human beings with just a few cups of coffee. It’s really quite scary.”

Jenny Slut, who took part in the survey said:

“If I don’t get my coffee first thing in the morning, I turn into something out of the Walking Dead. And I don’t mean that nice looking fella with the leather waistcoat.”

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Wife who told husband not to buy anything for her birthday disappointed that husband didn’t buy anything for her birthday

Couple not speaking after disagreement in bed

A woman who specifically told her husband not to buy her anything for her birthday has told of her disappointment that her husband didn’t buy her anything for her birthday.

Joan ‘Joan’ Strumpet, 39, told her husband not to spend any money on her birthday but to put it towards a holiday. Husband Dean didn’t buy anything, leaving Joan feeling disappointed.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:




“When I told him that I didn’t want anything for my birthday, I was kind of hoping that he read between the lines and went out and bought something. When I said that I didn’t want anything, I did of course mean that I would have liked something. It didn’t have to be anything super-expensive, but just something that showed a little bit of thought. As it is, he’s bought fuck all, making my birthday an absolutely shit one.”

Husband Dean added:

“I’m mightily confused. I thought that when she said not to buy anything, that she meant not to buy anything. She did the same last night when I asked her if she wanted anything from the shop. She said ‘no’ and then kicked off that I hadn’t bought her chocolate.”



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Man in hospital after attempting to cross lake on a rowing machine

Bodymax 50

A man is in hospital after he tried rowing his rowing machine across a lake.

Gordon Fuckwit took his BodyMax R50 rowing machine out onto the water last night. He managed to get just 35 meters before the machine sank. Fuckwit was taken to hospital suffering mild drowning.

He told GrumpyFuckers:

“My wife keeps telling me how fat I am so I bought this thing to get me trim. I took delivery of my BodyMax R50 and promptly took it down to the lake near my house. I started rowing across the water but before I knew it, I was at the bottom of the lake. The next thing I remember is waking up in hospital and my wife telling me that I was both fat and stupid. I’m hoping to recover my BodyMax R50 from the lake so that I can continue my fitness regime.”

Wife Debbie said:

“Fuckwit by name, fuckwit by nature. I’ve seriously had enough of that dickhead. I want a new husband with lots of money, a huge penis and preferably, some kind of common sense.”

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Moaning about being single on Valentine’s Day is top reason why people are single on Valentine’s Day

valentines single

People moaning about being single on Valentine’s Day has come out as the top reason why people are single on Valentine’s Day.

The recent survey also found that Valentine’s Day is no different than any other day of the life of singletons.

Professor CockJockey who led the survey, told GrumpyFuckers:

“It’s a well-known fact that singletons like to moan about being single, especially so on Valentine’s Day. They like nothing more than posting pictures of meals for one and hoping to get some likes. The irony is that they are probably having more fun than the dickheads who went and got themselves married. In another survey that we ran, we found that 100% of men have had to buy flowers from the local newsagent on their way home from work and then find that they can’t get their end away because they haven’t impressed their partner too much.”

One woman who took part in the survey added:

“I’m hoping that my fella comes home with two bottles of Rioja, a fuckoff box of chocolates and some flowers. If he does, I’ll sit on his face. If he doesn’t, he’s sleeping on the couch.”

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Woman accidentally picks up bag of donuts instead of bag of organic vegetables at local store

veg

A woman has mistaken a bag of organic vegetables for a bag of jam donuts at a local supermarket.

Jenny ‘Wobbly’ Webbly picked up the bag of donuts in error at her local Kwik Save store. She had been intending to pick up a bag of mixed organic vegetables.

Jenny told GrumpyFuckers:




“I really don’t know how it happened. I reached out for the bag of vegetables and it wasn’t until I’d got home and sat down to watch that Arnie film – the one with the woman with the three tits – that I realised I’d picked up the donuts by mistake. I had no choice but to eat them all because that’s all I had in the house. I blame the labelling on the bags. Supermarkets these days are very clever at tricking us shoppers. I am going to write to my local newspaper and moan about it. People like me are being taken for a ride and someone has to put a stop to it.”

Jenny’s next shopping trip will be on Monday. She said:

“I’ll try not to let the same thing happen again but I can’t be 100% sure that it won’t.”

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99% of world’s male population ‘blind to dirty dishes and full trash cans’

dirty-dishes

The World Health Authority have officially declared a form of blindness that affects only males and stops them from seeing dirty dishes and full trash cans.

The condition, which is yet to be named, is thought to affect 99% of men across the world.

Dr Timmy FourEyes from the University of NoHope told GrumpyFuckers:




“We’ve long suspected that men suffer from this condition because we get a lot of women coming in to see us and asking us to cure their fellas. Common symptoms of the condition include:

• Walking straight past dirty cups that need taking to the kitchen
• Using a clean cup instead of washing a dirty one
• Walking past mountains of dirty washing on the stairs
• Squeezing shit into trash cans that are about to explode

Dr FourEyes said that men shouldn’t be blamed for this medical condition as it happens for no reason whatsoever.

“Women have no understanding of this terrible affliction. Sure, they can see the dirty dishes but can you imagine how hard it is for these boys who aren’t able to see it? You girls need to go easy on us lads. Now where did I put my glasses?”

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PROVEN: 97% of kids’ TV show creators were high on hardcore drugs when they wrote their shows

banana splits

A recent survey by some asshole in a University has concluded that 97% of kids’ TV show creators were high on hardcore drugs when they wrote their shows.

Prof. Brian BigHead from the University of SadFucks carried out his study last month.

He told GrumpyFuckers:




“The idea behind the study came to me when I was watching a re-run of the Banana Splits on TV last year. I watched it for about half hour before I asked myself the question ‘What the fuck is this all about?’ I did some research and before long, I was rather bothered about the freaky shit that passed as TV shows when I was a kid – things like H.R. Pufnstuf and Pee Wee’s Playhouse. I fucking hated that Chairee talking chair shit. I contacted most of the people who created these shows and without any little surprise, I found that most of their creators were on Class A drugs when they produced them; 23% are dead, 62% have been in rehad and the other 41% can’t be located.”

Bighead added that the weird TV shows are mostly responsible for his heavy drinking and early divorce.

“I don’t know what these writers were thinking,” he added.



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Bill the Stick Man found dead in a hotel room

bill stick man

The internet star known as Bill has been found dead in a hotel room in Los Angeles.

The star, known for his banal posts and stickman-like appearance was found by cleaners in the early hours of this morning.

The cleaner told GrumpyFuckers:

“I’m over the moon. If I’d known he was in there, I would have killed the fucker myself with my bare hands.”

Police investigating the death said:

“At 4.35am local time, we discovered the body of what we believe to be Bill. At this time, we are not certain what caused his death. However, a quantity of alcohol and sleeping tablets were found next to his bed. We believe his sudden rise to fame was something he couldn’t cope with. We will be speaking to Grumpy Cat and other popular meme character to rule out foul play. We’d like you to let us investigate this without anyone posting any more of those shitty memes. Thanks.”

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Man uses piece of wood he put in his garage in 1982 ‘because it might come in handy’

A man who put a small block of wood in his garage in 1982 ‘because it might come in handy in the future’ has used it to prop up a set of drawers, 33 years later.

Gary Slowcoach, 52, put the small block of wood in his garage after finding it outside his house. Despite his wife telling him to throw it away, Gary kept it because he thought it might come in handy in the future.

He told GrumpyFuckers:




“I always knew that it’d come in handy one day. My missis kept telling me to throw it away but it was just fate that I found it outside my house that day. Then yesterday, one of the short legs on my set of drawers came off as I tried to retrieve my kegs that had fallen down the back. My mind immediately went to the block of wood I’d put in the garage back in 1982 and lo and behold – it was the perfect shape and size.”

Wife Jean wasn’t overly pleased.

“He’s a lazy twat. All he had to do was stick the drawer leg back on but oh no, he wanted to prove me wrong after all these years. I’m thinking of divorcing him soon. He’s done nothing for me these last 30 years. And his arse smells too.”

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Wife finds scissors in drawer after husband says that they weren’t in there

drawer

A wife has found a pair of scissors in a drawer that her husband had only just looked in.

Husband Terry DumbAss had searched through the drawer after his wife Debbie had asked if they were in there.

Debbie told GrumpyFuckers:




“I asked my asshole husband Terry if he could fetch me the pair of scissors that were in the drawer. I needed to cut a label off a new blouse I’d just bought for $4. The asshole went to the drawer to find the scissors and after ten minutes, he came back and said that he couldn’t find them. I asked him if he’d looked properly and he assured me that he had. I then visited the drawer myself and found them straight away. This isn’t the first time this has happened. Last week, I asked him to go find me my toenail clippers and after half hour, I had to go them myself because he could see them, even though they were there right in front of him. Asshole.”

Debbie has decided not to ask her husband to find any more things around the house but has filed for divorce instead.

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Welsh couple divorce but ‘would still like to remain brother and sister’

couple smoking

A Welsh couple have decided to divorce, but have said that they’d still like to stay brother and sister.

Chris and Chris Jones got hitched three years ago, but things turned ugly at a local bingo hall last week.

Chris (the male one) told the media:




“We do usually take two dabbers to bingo so that we got one each like. But last week, Chris started using my one. I told her to use her own but she glassed me in the face with a bottle. Obviously, I wasn’t very happy with that so when we got home, I told her that we need to face facts and that the marriage wasn’t working. She said ‘ok’ so we then applied for a divorce online. I want to keep the house but so does she so we are going to have to have a fight about that one.”

Chris (the other one) added:

“I can’t not have him as a brother. Who’s going to unplug my sink when it’s full of crap? This divorce can be done in a nice way but I do want the house.”

The couple are now dating (other people, not each other).



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Noisy neighbours who don’t give a fuck can be punched in the mouth

Noisy neighbours who don’t give a fuck can be punched hard in the mouth under new United Nations rules.

The news comes as the amount of noisy neighbours who don’t give a fuck reaches its highest level for decades.

Director of the Department for Noisy Neighbours Who Don’t Give a Fuck, Jerry Grimgrits told GrumpyFuckers:

“I had it this morning. Some fucker pulled up outside my neighbour’s house at 6am and instead of getting his fat arse out of the car to go knock on my neighbour’s door, this fat fuck just sat in his car, tooting his horn until my fucking neighbour appeared. Then, when my neighbour did appear, the fucker started shouting across the yard at the fat fucker in the car instead going over to him and asking him quietly. The pair of fuckers then had a long and loud conversation about fuck all, making sure that they woke every other fucker in the street. If this law had been passed yesterday, I would have been out there punching the fuckers in the mouth.”

The news has been welcomed by others. Shift-worker Sheila Largecalves said:

“I hate my neighbour. Always making some kind of noise. I’m looking forward to punching the noisy fucker in the mouth.”

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Dogs to learn to shake hands instead of sniffing each others’ assholes

Dog sniffing other dog's rear, close-up

Dogs are to learn how to shake hands so that they don’t have to greet other dogs by sniffing each others’ assholes.

The traditional dog greeting involves two dogs sniffing each the other’s anus and saying ‘Good morning. Is this your anus?’

Dogs will now receive training worldwide so that they can shake hands in the clean and proper way that civilised humans do.




Dog owner Betty Bumflaps said:

“I think it’s disgusting the way dogs currently greet each other. There’s no ‘hello’ or ‘how are you?’ – it’s straight to the shitter for a spot of sniffing. I’m glad that dogs are now going to learn to shake hands like we do. Imagine if I were to walk down the street sniffing everyone’s asshole? That’d be gross.”

But some dogs are not as keen. 3 year old Labrador, Rufus, said:

“I simply adore sniffing assholes. Whatever next? Will they stop us eating cat shit too? What is this world coming to?”



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New legislation allows motorists to stop car and punch tailgaters in the throat

tailgater

The United Nations has passed legislation that will allow motorists worldwide to stop their cars and punch tailgaters in the throat.

The news comes as world leaders look for a solution to stop assholes driving up other peoples’ assholes.

A United Nations spokesperson told GrumpyFuckers:




“Even as I was driving into work this morning, I had some asshole driving up my asshole. I wound down my window, stuck my head out and said ‘Hey Asshole. Why are you driving up my asshole? Quit driving like an asshole, asshole.’ If I had been able to stop my car, get out, and punch the asshole in the throat, it would have made my trip to work a lot more satisfying.”

One motorist who enjoyed driving up other peoples’ assholes, who didn’t want to be named said:

“Duh what? My mommy told me to stay close to the car in front so I don’t get lost. I find it hard to drive with my webbed feet and three eyes.”

The new legislation has yet to be ratified.

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Mood ring ‘warns men of impending pre-menstrual women’

Mood ring

An inventor has created the world’s first mood ring that warns men that their lady’s time of the month is approaching.

Jimmy Fiddlefingers is hoping to patent the product and sell it worldwide.

He told GrumpyFuckers:

“I have a lot of male friends who come to me in tears every few weeks because their girlfriend or wife has gone off on one because it’s her time of the month. I thought they could all do with a helping hand so I invented this ring that the woman wears on her hand and the alternating colours give the signal to the men whether their partner is in an approachable mood. If the woman is not approachable, it is advised that the lads stay well out of her way – probably best to go down the pub at that point.”

The mood ring has gone on sale for Christmas. Shopper Emma Hardfist said:

“I love my new ring. When I’m in a good mood, it gives off a lovely green glow. When I’m due on, it leaves a big red mark IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS FUCKING FACE.”

The mood ring retails at $2.99.

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Millions worldwide silently suffering from Grumpyfuckeritis

Grumpyfuckeritis

Millions of people worldwide are silently suffering from a little-known condition that makes them grumpy, especially in the mornings.

Professor FourEyes, from Harvard University, classified the condition known as GrumpyFuckeritis last year. Yet lack of funding has meant that millions of people have yet to be diagnosed.

Prof FourEyes told GrumpyFuckers.com:




“Mornings are particular bad for sufferers of this condition. They wake up wanting to punch the shit out of anyone and anything. They stomp around muttering to themselves and the only thing that seems to alleviate their condition is coffee, even if it is a short-term fix. The effects of grumpyfuckeritis can last all day for some and you’ll typically find that they medicate themselves with several bottles of wine at the end of a day. Some even inject it directly into their bloodstream. It’s a condition that needs to be treated properly so we are keen to raise awareness of it.”

Grumpyfuckeritis sufferer Janet Scowl said:

“I asked for a fucking Americano. What’s this shit? I don’t want to speak to you. In fact, I don’t want to even look at you. Get the fuck out of my sight.”

Professor FourEyes added:

“This is a text-book reaction from someone suffering from grumpyfuckeritis. We only said ‘hello’ to her.”

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Premenstrual syndrome conference erupts in violence after chocolate and wine supplies run out

riot london

An international conference debating Premenstrual Syndrome (PMS) descended into violence last night after supplies of wine and chocolate ran out.

The conference, held at St George’s Hall in London, was intended to find ways to make the monthly biological occurrence more bearable for both women and their partners. But following an announcement that both the wine and chocolate stocks had run dry, women began screaming and upturning tables.

An eyewitness told GrumpyFuckers:




“It was awful. I was at the bar getting some ice cream when this woman started getting tetchy. It was awful. The barman looked at her in slightly the wrong way so she climbed over the bar and started smashing him over the head with a plastic bowl. Then she burst into tears and kept asking him if he loved her.”

Order was finally restored after police turned up. One office said:

“I could feel the tension in the air. Thankfully, someone went to the corner shop and bought a shitload of chocolate so that kept them happy for a few hours when they all started feeling guilty about eating it.”