A Welsh nightclub has banned women from pouting when taking selfies to stop them looking like cockwombles.
The Jurassic Park nightclub in Neath has slapped on the ban after women spent all night posing for selfies instead of buying drinks from the bar.
Manager Clayton Smooth told GrumpyFuckers:
“These women spend so long pouting that my bar staff is left with fuck all to do. They never get the photo right first time so they literally spend all night sticking their arms out and taking photos. They look like ‘Class A cockwombles’. Back in the day when I used to go clubbing, we’d drink ten gallons of beer, puke it all back up and then fall asleep on the dance floor. That was called a REAL night out.”
But clubbers haven’t been put off by the new rule.
Sheila Largecalves said:
“Me and my friends will head to the shitters to do it. If we’re not allowed to do this thing in public, it’s only going to go underground. What else can they expect?”
Jurassic Park will be closed this Saturday for urgent repairs to the toilet cubicles after one female clubber got her arse stuck down the pan.
A coffee shop has opened in Cardiff for people who hate mornings.
Grumpy Fuckers’ Coffee Shop opened its door yesterday and was overwhelmed by demand.
Manager Clive GrimGrits told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I had to get up at 5am to get the bastard shop open. I hated it. Most people are still sleeping at that time. We opened the shop at 6am and by 7am, we’d already sold out of ‘Fuck You Frappuccinos’ as well as our ‘Piss Poor Tea’. Every fucker who came in had a face on them like a slapped arse so I closed the shop at 8am so I could go home and get some proper sleep like most people do.”
One customer said that she would visit the coffee shop again, despite everyone bumping into each other and not saying a word.
“It was perfect for me. I could just sit there, thinking how shit my life is and how I hated going to work. The guy next to me was asking whether they did any cooked breakfasts but the manager told him to fuck off and get a life. Everyone was grumpy, which was fine because we were all grumpy together.”
A Cardiff shop has been forced to apologise after one of its banners contained an offensive typo.
Bargain store Massive Discounts contracted a sign-maker to create a new banner for the shop front. Sadly, the banner contained the word ‘discocunt’ instead of the word ‘discount’.
Shop manager Jim Bellend told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I’ve always hammered home the importance of good spelling to my staff. Unfortunately, this didn’t extend to the twat who made my sign and posted it for all the world to see. It’s a massive embarrassment as I don’t have any discocunts in stock.”
Shopper Lesley Longarms said:
“I popped in to get one for my husband as I’d rather he didn’t touch mine. I was vexed when they told me that they didn’t sell any. I left in tears so I went to Burger King and stuffed my face full of dead cow and fat.”