Category Archives: News

Noisy neighbours who don’t give a fuck can be punched in the mouth

Noisy neighbours who don’t give a fuck can be punched hard in the mouth under new United Nations rules. The news comes as the amount of noisy neighbours who don’t give a fuck reaches its highest level for decades. Director of the Department for Noisy Neighbours Who Don’t Give a Fuck, Jerry Grimgrits told GrumpyFuckers: […]

Dogs to learn to shake hands instead of sniffing each others’ assholes

Dogs are to learn how to shake hands so that they don’t have to greet other dogs by sniffing each others’ assholes. The traditional dog greeting involves two dogs sniffing each the other’s anus and saying ‘Good morning. Is this your anus?’ Dogs will now receive training worldwide so that they can shake hands in […]

New legislation allows motorists to stop car and punch tailgaters in the throat

The United Nations has passed legislation that will allow motorists worldwide to stop their cars and punch tailgaters in the throat. The news comes as world leaders look for a solution to stop assholes driving up other peoples’ assholes. A United Nations spokesperson told GrumpyFuckers: “Even as I was driving into work this morning, I […]

Mood ring ‘warns men of impending pre-menstrual women’

An inventor has created the world’s first mood ring that warns men that their lady’s time of the month is approaching. Jimmy Fiddlefingers is hoping to patent the product and sell it worldwide. He told GrumpyFuckers: “I have a lot of male friends who come to me in tears every few weeks because their girlfriend […]

Millions worldwide silently suffering from Grumpyfuckeritis

Millions of people worldwide are silently suffering from a little-known condition that makes them grumpy, especially in the mornings. Professor FourEyes, from Harvard University, classified the condition known as GrumpyFuckeritis last year. Yet lack of funding has meant that millions of people have yet to be diagnosed. Prof FourEyes told GrumpyFuckers.com: “Mornings are particular bad […]

Premenstrual syndrome conference erupts in violence after chocolate and wine supplies run out

An international conference debating Premenstrual Syndrome (PMS) descended into violence last night after supplies of wine and chocolate ran out. The conference, held at St George’s Hall in London, was intended to find ways to make the monthly biological occurrence more bearable for both women and their partners. But following an announcement that both the […]

Fancy dress ‘Wolverine’ slices off own penis after attempting to scratch asshole

A Halloween party-goer has chopped off his penis after attempting to scratch his own asshole. Brian DoubleGunt, from Boston, was attending a house party dressed up as the Marvel Comics superhero Wolverine, portrayed on screen by actor Hugh Jackman. Brian had sellotaped knives to a pair of rubber gloves to recreate Wolverine’s famous retractable claws. […]

How your Facebook friends turn you into a grumpy fucker

They’re your Facebook friends. You’ve met some, you’ve fucked some and you might even pretend to like some of them. Yet you have probably never noticed that they’ve been secretly making you a Grumpy Fucker all these years. What a bunch of fuckers. Here are some of the main culprits – cull them with pleasure. […]

Porn film banned for ‘falsely portraying plumber turning up when he said he would’

Legendary porn film ‘Debbie Does Phallus’ has been banned for portraying plumbers as people who turn up on time. The film, which features Dennis ‘ThunderRod’ Muggins as The Plumber, was made in 2010 by the now defunct Welsh porn company, Tits and Sheep. But the US and UK governments have jointly taken the unprecedented step […]

Nightclub bans pouting selfies to stop women looking like cockwombles

A Welsh nightclub has banned women from pouting when taking selfies to stop them looking like cockwombles. The Jurassic Park nightclub in Neath has slapped on the ban after women spent all night posing for selfies instead of buying drinks from the bar. Manager Clayton Smooth told GrumpyFuckers: “These women spend so long pouting that […]

Cardiff store apologises for offensive shop banner

A Cardiff shop has been forced to apologise after one of its banners contained an offensive typo. Bargain store Massive Discounts contracted a sign-maker to create a new banner for the shop front. Sadly, the banner contained the word ‘discocunt’ instead of the word ‘discount’. Shop manager Jim Bellend told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve always hammered […]