A leading bird scientist has proven that owls are just fat, grumpy pigeons.
Prof. Timmy Cleverclogs made the announcement to a packed conference last night.
He told delegates:
“We’ve all see them – these grumpy overweight birds with attitude. They stay up all night, giving mouses a hard time and all that shit. We took a sample of owls into our lab and tortured them until they confessed what we suspected all along – that they’re just overweight pigeons. We now have to declassify these birds as owls and rename them as just ‘fat pigeons’. It’s no wonder people go out shooting them.”
One owl said:
“The man doesn’t know what he’s talking about. If he’s not careful, I’ll be round his house tonight with the boys to sort him out.”
Scientists have officially confirmed that more than 90% of the population suffers from Obsessive Coffee Disorder.
Sufferers from the condition complain of being grumpy fuckers unless they get their fix of coffee.
Prof. Timmy CleverClogs who made the announcement said:
“Sufferers of Obsessive Coffee Disorder often find themselves find that they can’t function when they wake up in the morning until they’ve downed a mug of brown. Headaches, muscle spasms and punching other people in the face very hard are all symptoms that can only be fixed with coffee. We have done some research and we have found that more than 90% of the population suffer from this.”
One sufferer told GrumpyFuckers:
“What are you looking at? Do you want a punch in the fucking face? I’ll smash your face right in…[drinks coffee]. Oh hi. How are you? Are you well?”
A man has bought a car to go to his job so that he can pay for his car.
Freddy Fuckwit bought his second-hand car yesterday so that he could get to his new job so that he could pay for his second-hand car.
He told GrumpyFuckers:
“I had to get a car to get myself to my new job. I now go to work to pay for the car that I need to get myself to my job.”
His mother added:
“He’s been sitting around my house on his lazy arse for the past 5 years. I’m glad that he’s got a job now and it’s nice to see him paying for his car so that he can get himself to work to pay for the car.”
The humble cat has officially been announced as the animal least likely to give a fuck about anything.
The cats were pushed all the way to the winning post by koalas and last year’s winner – the honey badger.
Professor Timmy CleverClogs who ran the study said:
“We were interested in finding out which of the world’s animals were least likely to give a fuck about anything. Animals such as dogs spend their lives in a state of constant anxiety because they want to impress their owners. That’s why they bring you your slippers and bark at people who come to your house unexpected. An intruder could break into a house where a cat is living and they’d be like ‘Yeah man – take whatever you want. I don’t give a fuck.”
One cat told GrumpyFuckers:
“Me? Give a fuck? Ha, no. I just like to sit around all day dabbing my moist A-hole over all your furniture. Do you seriously think I give a fuck about that? Ha. Jog on mate. I’ll be over here in the corner licking my balls. Laters.”
A recent survey has shown that 97% of people who go vegan decide to do so to be awkward fucks.
The study showed that vegans not only likely to be awkward but are morally superior to the rest of the population.
Professor Dingbat who undertook the study told GrumpyFuckers:
“We found that the first rule of Vegan Club is to talk about Vegan Club. Vegans hate most people, especially those who find comfort in eating dead, rotting muscle tissue. Their whole aim in life is to make life for these other people as miserable as possible. When they go out for meals, they make a very loud announcement that they are vegan just to be awkward. The same thing happens when they go for a meal round a mate’s house, especially as most of their friend’s cooking is shit. They like to make life a misery for those who like to eat dead animals and I quite like that idea.”
One vegan said:
“Fuck the world. Fuck everyone. And fuck you. Now where did I put that carrot?”
“Yeah we’ve got this shitty competition because no one else will host the fucking thing. I’ll guess I’ll have to get some shitty food and drink in for all the assholes who think they’ve going to turn up and win.”
Organiser Jimmy NoMates said:
“We’re looking for the miserablest bastards in the world. The ones who get out of bed and mope around all day moaning about how shit life is. We want the grumpiest of the grumpiest and we won’t stop until we find him.”
The winner will receive fuck all. Probably just a nice medal or something.
A new brand of coffee has been launched at a famous coffee house in Wales.
The Cafe Vodka Valium Latte (commonly known as The Bomb) went on sale at Grumpy Fuckers Coffee House in Cardiff yesterday.
Shop manager Clive GrimGrits told local press:
“We get all kinds of grumpy fuckers in here in the mornings and the one thing they all tell us is that they need something stronger to get them through the day. We went to the drawing board and did a bit of homework, before coming up with this little baby. We tried it on our staff yesterday and none of them can remember anything about it so it’ll be perfect for our customers. We’re going to keep the exact recipe a secret because we’re tight fuckers and we don’t want anyone else making money off the back of it but its essential ingredients are plastered on the outside of the mug.”
One customer said:
“I had two of these fuckers over breakfast and I went into work singing. I was promptly sacked, which was perfect for me.”
A manager has forgotten to thank his member of staff for putting in extra hours of work to meet a deadline.
The deadline was a bullshit one that really didn’t matter and the member of staff wasn’t paid any extra.
The anonymous member of staff told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I had so many chances to get my leg over this week but I’ve had to put that on hold to meet this bullshit deadline. I was here till 3am one night and my boss then had a go at me as I was five minutes late coming into work the following day. I’d decided that I no longer wish to work at this establishment and the last thing I will do on my way out is to drop a match into the waste paper basket. That way, the company will burn to the ground, and hopefully my manager with it.”
Grumpy Fuckers approached the manager for a comment but we were told that he was in a meeting. All day.
A dinner party hosted by a local Feminist Association Group erupted into violence last night after members refused to wash the dishes afterwards.
Police were called in after they received calls from worried neighbours. Three women were arrested and charged with anything police could find at the station.
One party-goer, who didn’t want to be named told Grumpy Fuckers:
“It was all going so well. We were sat there talking about how shit men and are what the best way to burn your bra is, when all of a sudden, there was an almighty kick-off coming from the kitchen. I went to see what was going on and there were there women fighting. Washing-up sponges were flying all over the place and at one point, a tea towel was used as a whip to smack this woman in the face. The kitchen was full of dirty plates – it was stinking in there. Not that I’d want to go washing them myself.”
Party-goers were dispersed by police and told to go home and do some knitting. The Feminist Association is planning another dinner party in March, where the topics of discussion are make-up, horses and flowers.
The annual Grumpy Fucker of the Year Award has received a record number of applications.
The event, which crowns the world’s most grumpiest fucker, has been running since 2002.
Clive GrimGrits who runs the awards said:
“Yeah, we’ve had loads of entries. What else do you want to know?”
Gordon Gunt who sent his application in yesterday said:
“I’m possibly the grumpiest fucker in the world. I’m so grumpy that my face actually breaks if I smile. I go around all day being a total grumpy fucker so I’m hoping to pick up the award so that I can feel like I’ve achieved something with my life.”
The outdoor pastime of camping is to be officially renamed as ‘divorce in a bag’.
It follows recent domestic problems as couples struggle to pitch their tents.
Camper Dennis Wideface told GrumpyFuckers:
“It’s the wife’s fault. She thinks she knows how to get a tent up when in fact, it’s only us men who know how to get a tent up. On our recent camping holiday, I would have had the tent up in ten minutes. However, my wife decided that I needed to follow the instructions and the thing took 4 days to erect. These women think that they know it all.”
His wife Debbie said:
“It’s all the husband’s fault. He thinks he knows how to get a tent up when in fact, it’s actually us women who can think things through logically and get it done. On our recent camping holiday, I would have had that tent up in 10 minutes but my dickhead husband decided not to read the instructions so it took us 4 days. These men think that they know it all.”
Scientists have proven what most of us have thought all along – that women take three full days to wake up every morning.
The research was carried out by Dr Brendon ShortThighs, whose experiment took 6 years to complete due to female participants taking their time to fill out forms.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I don’t think my wife has every woken up properly. Not since we’ve had a kid anyway. If you’ve ever seen The Walking Dead – it’s a bit like that. Every morning that she gets up, I can’t speak to her until she’s had her fix of coffee. After that, she sticks her fingers in an electric plug socket to give her a kick up the arse. And after that, she takes some hard core drugs to get through the day.”
One of the participants of the survey was going to comment on the report but couldn’t stop yawning.
A woman has been admitted to hospital with severe shock after she discovered that her teenage son had tidied his room.
Sheila Largecalves had returned home from work early after suffering from the shits. She arrived home to find her son’s bedroom in an acceptable condition.
Her husband Len told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I hadn’t noticed what had been going on because I was out of town with my mistress. My understanding is that she came home early from work as she wasn’t feeling too good. I don’t think our son George has ever tidied his room. I think he was intending bringing a girl back, which if true, is totally unacceptable.”
Sheila is making a good recovery in hospital. Her doctor said:
“She’s resting up now. She seems ok but she seems to be farting a lot in her sleep which is concerning us medical staff and the lady in the bed next door.”
A staggering 28% of the population now consider the coffee bean as their birth stone.
The figure was recently published in a report that no one really gives a shit about.
Gordon FatArse, who undertook the study told Grumpy Fuckers:
“Life these days is pretty hectic and rather than turning to hardcore drugs, people are relying on the humble coffee bean to get through the day. People traditionally drank coffee but some are now turning to eating coffee beans raw to give themselves the energy they need. Whereas most people had gems and stones as their birthstones, a large chunk of the population now consider the coffee bean to be their official birth stone. Some keep them in their purses and some even wear them around their necks in case they need a caffeine fix. I’m quite surprised at the findings but then I work in a university so don’t really know what goes on in the outside world in real life.”
The word ‘asshole’ has been officially announced as the most common word used by motorists.
The announcement was made by Reg Plate, who has been conducting a survey of popular words used by motorists since last year.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“By far and away, ‘asshole’ was the word that most motorists used the most. In some cases, it was used up to 40 times a minute and is therefore the choice word of motorists, usually to describe other motorists. Second on the list was ‘fucking asshole’, followed by ‘shithead’ and ‘cockwomble’. The word used least by motorist was ‘thanks’. It’s been an interesting study, namely because I don’t do any other work and my wife was glad to see me get out of the house because she hates my guts since I ran off with another woman.”
Reg plans to conduct another survey to find out the most popular word for workers is.
“I’m guessing it’s probably going to be very similar to our findings for motorists but I’m yet to start work on that because I’m a lazy shit.”
The summer of 2016 has officially been classified at the Summer of Shit.
It follows shit events happening all around the world as well as a record number of Grumpy Fuckers in the country.
A spokesman for the Association of Shit Stuff said:
“Yeah, 2016 has been a shitter of a year. We’ve lots shitloads of famous and talented people dying on us; we’ve got assholes killing other people for no reason whatsoever, and of course, there’s the real possibility that Donald Trump could end up as the President of the United States. All in all, it’s been a real fucker of a year so far and there appears to be no sign of it abating.”
One Grumpy Fucker added:
“It’s been a total cockwomble of a year. Only last week, my wife told me that I was a dickhead and last night, I dropped my dinner all down my brand new shirt. What is this world coming to?”
A Russian father has been stripped of his title of Father’s Champion at the Dad’s Race at his local school.
It follows news that Igor ‘Lightning Sneakers’ Nokabolokov had been using anabolic steroids for 6 months in preparation for the race.
Headteacher Timmy Smartshoes told WalesOnCraic:
“He went like shit off a shovel. Some of the other lads were still lacing up their sneakers by the time Igor got to the finish line. We suspected that something was up when he started injecting himself in his arse about half an hour before the race. He had no qualms about doing it in front of everyone. When he got to the start line, he was smacking himself around the face and making a noise like a horse braying. Our deputy head fired the gun and he was gone. We gave him the title of Lightning Sneakers because he won the race but then we started smelling a rat. We hauled him into my office and asked him outright whether he’d been taking any banned substances. We were there for 3 hours.”
The title of Lightning Sneakers, Champion of the Dads was later handed to Brian Gunt, who came in second on the day.
A leading scientist has proven the theory that open plan offices turn normal people into Grumpy Fuckers.
Professor CleverCloggs of No Hope University published his findings at a press conference yesterday. He told reporters:
“We’ve all known it for years but open plan offices are a total shower of shit. Managers simply insist on them so that they can keep an eye on members of staff. We studied 190 open plan offices across the country and we found time and time again that people begin their working life as normal human beings and within six weeks, are the grumpiest fuckers on earth. We’d like to see an abolition of open plan offices to make the world a better place all round.”
Joe FatHead, an office worker who took part in the study, told Grumpy Fuckers:
“When I started my job three years ago, I was the nicest person you could ever meet. Now I’m just a grumpy old fucker and I put that down to the fact that I work in an open plan office. I can’t phone my girl, I can’t scratch my arse – I can’t even sleep on the job. I hate it.”
The release of Grand Auto Theft Go has been blamed for a rise in traffic offences and fisticuffs between strangers.
The game, which was launched following the success of Pokemon Go, allows people to play the game in the real world with their handheld phones.
One gamer told GrumpyFuckers:
“It’s great. So far, I’ve smashed up 23 cars, ran over 79 people and killed 410. It’s just like being in the real world. I’ve also managed to acquire a helicopter which I never thought I’d ever have, plus I found a few Pokemon while I was out beating the shit out of people. It’s all good.”
Sgt. GrimGrits, spokesman for the local police, added:
“This game has had our officers handing out parking fines all over the place. Before we know it, we’ll have all kinds of disturbances going on down here. Someone needs to put a stop to this.”
Coffee was invented to keep workers busy until the got drunk in the evenings.
That’s the claim made by a leading historian about the origins of the drink.
Professor CleverClogs told GrumpyFuckers:
“This shit wasn’t just discovered. It was invented in a lab by a man called Mr Coffee on behalf of the government. They were sick and tired of their workers coming into work and doing jack shit. They needed something that would give them a massive kick up the arse – and something that would keep them addicted. Alcohol was their way of getting through the nights but there was something missing – something lacking during the daytime. These days of course, people drink enough coffee in a year to float the QE2. Meanwhile, Mr Coffee is sunning his peachy arse on a beach in Bermuda – toasting the success of his invention.”