The outdoor pastime of camping is to be officially renamed as ‘divorce in a bag’.
It follows recent domestic problems as couples struggle to pitch their tents.
Camper Dennis Wideface told GrumpyFuckers:
“It’s the wife’s fault. She thinks she knows how to get a tent up when in fact, it’s only us men who know how to get a tent up. On our recent camping holiday, I would have had the tent up in ten minutes. However, my wife decided that I needed to follow the instructions and the thing took 4 days to erect. These women think that they know it all.”
His wife Debbie said:
“It’s all the husband’s fault. He thinks he knows how to get a tent up when in fact, it’s actually us women who can think things through logically and get it done. On our recent camping holiday, I would have had that tent up in 10 minutes but my dickhead husband decided not to read the instructions so it took us 4 days. These men think that they know it all.”
Scientists have proven what most of us have thought all along – that women take three full days to wake up every morning.
The research was carried out by Dr Brendon ShortThighs, whose experiment took 6 years to complete due to female participants taking their time to fill out forms.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I don’t think my wife has every woken up properly. Not since we’ve had a kid anyway. If you’ve ever seen The Walking Dead – it’s a bit like that. Every morning that she gets up, I can’t speak to her until she’s had her fix of coffee. After that, she sticks her fingers in an electric plug socket to give her a kick up the arse. And after that, she takes some hard core drugs to get through the day.”
One of the participants of the survey was going to comment on the report but couldn’t stop yawning.
A woman has been admitted to hospital with severe shock after she discovered that her teenage son had tidied his room.
Sheila Largecalves had returned home from work early after suffering from the shits. She arrived home to find her son’s bedroom in an acceptable condition.
Her husband Len told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I hadn’t noticed what had been going on because I was out of town with my mistress. My understanding is that she came home early from work as she wasn’t feeling too good. I don’t think our son George has ever tidied his room. I think he was intending bringing a girl back, which if true, is totally unacceptable.”
Sheila is making a good recovery in hospital. Her doctor said:
“She’s resting up now. She seems ok but she seems to be farting a lot in her sleep which is concerning us medical staff and the lady in the bed next door.”
A staggering 28% of the population now consider the coffee bean as their birth stone.
The figure was recently published in a report that no one really gives a shit about.
Gordon FatArse, who undertook the study told Grumpy Fuckers:
“Life these days is pretty hectic and rather than turning to hardcore drugs, people are relying on the humble coffee bean to get through the day. People traditionally drank coffee but some are now turning to eating coffee beans raw to give themselves the energy they need. Whereas most people had gems and stones as their birthstones, a large chunk of the population now consider the coffee bean to be their official birth stone. Some keep them in their purses and some even wear them around their necks in case they need a caffeine fix. I’m quite surprised at the findings but then I work in a university so don’t really know what goes on in the outside world in real life.”
The word ‘asshole’ has been officially announced as the most common word used by motorists.
The announcement was made by Reg Plate, who has been conducting a survey of popular words used by motorists since last year.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“By far and away, ‘asshole’ was the word that most motorists used the most. In some cases, it was used up to 40 times a minute and is therefore the choice word of motorists, usually to describe other motorists. Second on the list was ‘fucking asshole’, followed by ‘shithead’ and ‘cockwomble’. The word used least by motorist was ‘thanks’. It’s been an interesting study, namely because I don’t do any other work and my wife was glad to see me get out of the house because she hates my guts since I ran off with another woman.”
Reg plans to conduct another survey to find out the most popular word for workers is.
“I’m guessing it’s probably going to be very similar to our findings for motorists but I’m yet to start work on that because I’m a lazy shit.”
The summer of 2016 has officially been classified at the Summer of Shit.
It follows shit events happening all around the world as well as a record number of Grumpy Fuckers in the country.
A spokesman for the Association of Shit Stuff said:
“Yeah, 2016 has been a shitter of a year. We’ve lots shitloads of famous and talented people dying on us; we’ve got assholes killing other people for no reason whatsoever, and of course, there’s the real possibility that Donald Trump could end up as the President of the United States. All in all, it’s been a real fucker of a year so far and there appears to be no sign of it abating.”
One Grumpy Fucker added:
“It’s been a total cockwomble of a year. Only last week, my wife told me that I was a dickhead and last night, I dropped my dinner all down my brand new shirt. What is this world coming to?”
A Russian father has been stripped of his title of Father’s Champion at the Dad’s Race at his local school.
It follows news that Igor ‘Lightning Sneakers’ Nokabolokov had been using anabolic steroids for 6 months in preparation for the race.
Headteacher Timmy Smartshoes told WalesOnCraic:
“He went like shit off a shovel. Some of the other lads were still lacing up their sneakers by the time Igor got to the finish line. We suspected that something was up when he started injecting himself in his arse about half an hour before the race. He had no qualms about doing it in front of everyone. When he got to the start line, he was smacking himself around the face and making a noise like a horse braying. Our deputy head fired the gun and he was gone. We gave him the title of Lightning Sneakers because he won the race but then we started smelling a rat. We hauled him into my office and asked him outright whether he’d been taking any banned substances. We were there for 3 hours.”
The title of Lightning Sneakers, Champion of the Dads was later handed to Brian Gunt, who came in second on the day.
A leading scientist has proven the theory that open plan offices turn normal people into Grumpy Fuckers.
Professor CleverCloggs of No Hope University published his findings at a press conference yesterday. He told reporters:
“We’ve all known it for years but open plan offices are a total shower of shit. Managers simply insist on them so that they can keep an eye on members of staff. We studied 190 open plan offices across the country and we found time and time again that people begin their working life as normal human beings and within six weeks, are the grumpiest fuckers on earth. We’d like to see an abolition of open plan offices to make the world a better place all round.”
Joe FatHead, an office worker who took part in the study, told Grumpy Fuckers:
“When I started my job three years ago, I was the nicest person you could ever meet. Now I’m just a grumpy old fucker and I put that down to the fact that I work in an open plan office. I can’t phone my girl, I can’t scratch my arse – I can’t even sleep on the job. I hate it.”
The release of Grand Auto Theft Go has been blamed for a rise in traffic offences and fisticuffs between strangers.
The game, which was launched following the success of Pokemon Go, allows people to play the game in the real world with their handheld phones.
One gamer told GrumpyFuckers:
“It’s great. So far, I’ve smashed up 23 cars, ran over 79 people and killed 410. It’s just like being in the real world. I’ve also managed to acquire a helicopter which I never thought I’d ever have, plus I found a few Pokemon while I was out beating the shit out of people. It’s all good.”
Sgt. GrimGrits, spokesman for the local police, added:
“This game has had our officers handing out parking fines all over the place. Before we know it, we’ll have all kinds of disturbances going on down here. Someone needs to put a stop to this.”
Coffee was invented to keep workers busy until the got drunk in the evenings.
That’s the claim made by a leading historian about the origins of the drink.
Professor CleverClogs told GrumpyFuckers:
“This shit wasn’t just discovered. It was invented in a lab by a man called Mr Coffee on behalf of the government. They were sick and tired of their workers coming into work and doing jack shit. They needed something that would give them a massive kick up the arse – and something that would keep them addicted. Alcohol was their way of getting through the nights but there was something missing – something lacking during the daytime. These days of course, people drink enough coffee in a year to float the QE2. Meanwhile, Mr Coffee is sunning his peachy arse on a beach in Bermuda – toasting the success of his invention.”
Two grumpy f*ckers had smiles put on their faces when they found a Pokemon living in the arsecheeks of a fat stripper.
Andy and Chris, both 35, found the Pokemon after downloading the Pokemon Go app last night.
Andy told GrumpyFuckers:
“I’ve been a right miserable shit these last few weeks. The last thing I thought would cheer me up was finding an imaginary cartoon character between a fat woman’s buns. Me and Chris were just wandering around like to dickheads when all of a sudden, we spotted it. My life has now totally changed for me – I feel like a new man.”
Friend Chris wasn’t so impressed.
“I just wanted to go and see a fat woman getting her kit off. This has been a real distraction.”
Chris did finally smile for the camera when the fat woman agreed to have her photo taken with the boys.
A smelly bus passenger has sat next to the only other other passenger on a bus, despite there being 47 other empty seats available.
Sandy BigMuff was travelling home from work when the smelly passenger got on. She told GrumpyFuckers:
“I was happy enough sat on my own when the bus pulled over to pick up another passenger. He paid the driver and then took a long look around the bus at all the empty seats. The next thing I know is that he’s sticking his stinking ass right next to my seat. He had a horrible smell about him – like warm chicken soup. To make things worse, I had to get off at the next stop so I had all the hassle of asking him to move. There should be a law against this sort of thing – in fact, I’m going to write to my local newspaper right now. This country has gone to the shithouse.”
CityLine Bus, who runs the service, was asked for a comment about the story.
“Couldn’t give a shit, mate,” was their official comment.
A builder has been deceiving the general public for seven months by keeping his tools in his van overnight, despite a sticker to the contrary.
Jimmy ArseCrack, who has been a builder for 3 years, told GrumpyFuckers:
“I am aware that some people like to break into vans like mine to steal tools, which they can then sell on Ebay. I had the brainwave of sticking a sticker in my van window, saying that I didn’t keep any tools in my van overnight, but really, and don’t tell anyone this – I keep them in the van overnight. Oh how I laugh when thieves walk past my van, totally unaware that my tools are in the van. I can’t believe that I’ve been able to keep my tools in the van for so long.”
Greg Wideboy, who lives next door to Jimmy was shocked to find out that he’d been keeping his tools in his van overnight.
“His sticker explicitly says that he doesn’t keep his tools in his van overnight. At first, I was really hurt that he could lie to me like that, but then I realised what a genius he is.”
Jimmy is thinking of selling the stickers so that more builders can keep their tools in their vans overnight.
*Updated. Jimmy’s van has been broken into. The thief got away with all his tools.
A man has pretended to speak on his phone to avoid talking to someone he knew who was coming the other way.
Darryl Turd was walking to work this morning when he spotted an old friend, Simon Gunt, coming towards him.
Gunt told GrumpyFuckers:
“I was about to say hello when his phone apparently rang and he picked up. There was no ringtone and the asshole pretended that he was on the phone until well after I’d walked past him. I know he wasn’t really on the phone because he had it upside down for starters. It was a real shame because I wanted to ask him why he’s such an asshole – the last time he saw me, he jumped on a bus.”
Turd was unavailable for comment but his neighbour said that was a proper grumpy fucker.
A new scheme that rates the grumpiness of shop assistants has been launched nationwide.
The scheme rates shop assistants for their grumpiness. By law, they have to display their ratings in their shop window.
A spokeswoman for the scheme told GrumpyFuckers.com:
“We’ve all been into a shop where the shop assistant has been a total grumpy fucker to say the least. Our new scheme allows us to independently rate all our local shops for their grumpy attitude and give customers some warning of what they can expect inside. By law, they have to show their ratings in their shop window so there’ll be no getting away from the fact that you’re going to be served by some grumpy fucker.”
One shopper added:
“I think it’s a great idea but then I said that about marrying my husband and what an asshole he turned out to be.”
Jazz musicians across the world have admitted for the first time that they just play any old shit they want.
The revelation comes after a local jazz festival was cancelled due to poor ticket sales.
Festival organiser Jimmy FlangeLips told GrumpyFuckers:
“We weren’t selling many tickets and we were trying to find out why. We tried to get a bit of feedback from people and they mainly said that they couldn’t sing along to the music because the musicians were playing a different tune each night. We put this to the musicians themselves and they admitted that they just play whatever they want.”
One musician, who didn’t want to be named said:
“I’ve never learned to play an instrument in my life. I just pick up a trumpet and play any old shit that comes out of my mouth. People love it and pay me good money to listen to it so why should I stop?”
A call for a ban on male porn stars wearing their socks while having sex has been made by an industry pressure group.
We Want Sex, Not Sox has called for the complete ban of porn stars wearing socks while sticking their bits inside other people’s bits.
Spokesman Glenda Slackflaps told GrumpyFuckers:
“We see the same thing over and over again – bit strapping lads who’ll show off everything they’ve got apart from their little pinkies. We say that they either get everything off or they go home. We’re not going to put up with it any longer. There’d be outrage if a female porn star decided to wear socks. In fact, we know of one star who had cold feet and wore a pair of footsies and her career never recovered.”
One male porn star, who didn’t want to be identified said:
A man who spent his entire life working to pay his bills has died.
Jimmy Waster started work at the age of 15 and has worked most days since. He was 62 when he died.
His wife Janice said:
“He spent his entire life working to pay the bills. I can’t think of one thing that he’s left behind that will make the world a better place. Apart from our swimming pool which is kind of cute except when the dog craps in it.”
Jimmy started his life of work cleaning shoes at a local shop. He then spent 50 years working in a shoe shop selling shoes. He was hoping to retire and see the rest of his days out relaxing with his family and do all the things he’d always wanted to do. He died however and that was that.
Putting a duvet cover on has officially replaced divorce as the world’s most stressful life event.
The news won’t come as a shock to many who struggle weekly with putting the fucking thing on.
Student Jimmy Foureyes told GrumpyFuckers:
“I’ve been through a lot of shit in my life already but nothing compares to the sheer hell of trying to put a duvet cover on when you’re really tired. I literally just want to punch down all the walls in my bedroom, run out into the street and strangle the first person I come across. It’s that bad. How other people manage, I’ve got no fucking idea.”
Professor Tarquin Shitface, who led the survey that led to the outcome, said:
“I’m very posh so I pay someone to do mine. They bring in a team of people to do it. They come out very stressed. I can’t do it myself because I’m too posh.”
A new survey has revealed that just 10 minutes of work can make people use the word ‘fuck’ as if they were commas.
The research was completed by a team at the University of Grumpy Fucks. They wanted to know why people were using the word so frequently.
Professor FuckFace who led the research, told GrumpyFuckers:
“We found that the workplace is a hotbed for profanity. People can arrive like Mother Theresa and within ten minutes, be at the point of ripping someone’s head off. A lot of it is to do with self-serving managers, who were often referred to as ‘cockwombles’. Other sources of frustration included shit coffee from the vending machine as well as conversations with customers. On one average day in an average workplace, you could expect to hear the word ‘fuck’ more than 20 times a minute. 78% of these expletives are mumbled under people’s breath or behind people’s back and our work was crucial in discovering that.”
Worker Jenny WideFlange, who took part in the survey, said: