Scientists in the UK have proven that coffee makes people do stupid things faster and more energy. Prof. Gordon Bumlick made the announcement at a hastily-arranged press conference in a hotel car park. He told the waiting audience: “We’ve done this quick kind of experiment and we’ve proven something that we think we all know. […]
Police have been given emergency new powers to shoot anyone who asks ‘All ready for Christmas?’ Thousands of people are expected to fall foul of the new law, which takes place with immediate effect. PC Plod of the Police Force Federation told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve been overwhelmed by the amount of people asking this question […]
A 17 year old girl has vanished after using moisturiser that makes its users look 20 years younger. Betty Bumflaps applied the moisturiser on Saturday and hasn’t been seen since. A spokesman for the local police said: “We’ve looked high and low for Betty but she seems to have disappeared off the face of the […]
Queues have been forming all over the country as dickheads return the shit they bought on Black Friday. Shops had been selling shit that they hadn’t been able to move all year on Black Friday. One shop manager told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve had these shitty Chinese TVs out the back and I haven’t been able […]
Scientists have shown that dogs take at least 25 minutes to find the perfect place to shit. Unlike humans, who just drop their guts at the nearest WC, dogs need a particular place to lay a cable. Brian CleverClogs who headed up the investigation told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve been studying these dogs over a period […]
Motorists all over the world are bracing themselves for International Dickhead Driver Day. Dickhead drivers all over the world will be tail-gating, cutting people up and pulling out in front of other people. One motorist told Grumpy Fuckers: “I can’t wait. I drive like a dickhead all the time and I can’t wait to be […]
A university has finally proven that women don’t fart – they shoot tiny puffs of glitter that sound like unicorn’s laughter and smell like rainbows. Women’s farts have been the subject of debate since Shirley Bassey accidentally let one rip during a live performance at the Royal Variety Show. Spokesperson for Farting Women told Grumpy […]
A woman has told Grumpy Fuckers that she felt ‘gutted’ when she recently discovered that a Facebook notification was nothing more than a Candy Crush request from an irrelevant person. Sandy WideFace received the Facebook notification overnight. She clicked on it as soon as she woke up, thinking that someone had commented on a photo […]
A new camouflage clothing shop that has opened has gone unnoticed by local shoppers. ‘Now U See Us, Now U Don’t’ opened its doors two months ago but is yet to receive its first customer. Manager Michael Sneak told Grumpy Fuckers: “It’s pretty gutting that we’ve had no one come in yet. We’ve got loads […]
A porn film has been banned for portraying plumbers as people who turn up on time. The film, which features Dennis ‘ThunderRod’ Muggins as The Plumber, was made in 2010 by the now defunct Welsh porn company, Tits and Sheep. But the UK government has taken the unprecedented step of banning the film, as it […]
Rescue workers have recovered 643 bodies after a 2-seater plane crashed into a cemetery. The Cessna aircraft hit a Chinese lantern and crashed. Rescue workers cordoned off the cemetery where the plane came down and are still recovering bodies. Rescue worker Glynne ThickHead said: “I was eating my tea when I heard the crash. We […]
Police are to be given new powers to beat the shit out of motorists who don’t indicate. The Government announced the new measures to cut down on the amount of arseholes who think that every other motorist knows where they are intending to go. Government spokeswoman Tina Tightarse told Grumpy Fuckers: “They’ve facking dickheads. They […]
Men are set to get free evening classes so they can learn how to put things back where they belong after they’ve used them. The Government has announced the measures for men who struggle to put things back and then get stressed when they can’t find them the next time they need them, leading to […]
A band is following in the footsteps of Band Aid 30 by releasing a shit single and telling people to buy it ‘because it’s a charity single’. Acres of Doom have released a song that their lead singer Freddy Twmpath wrote when he was on the toilet. They hope to raise £50 for a local […]
A mother-of-six has taken out her frozen Christmas turkey to allow it to defrost. Full-time mum Glenda Slackflaps has taken the frozen dead bird from the chest freezer in her garage, and has placed it on a plate at room temperature in her kitchen. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “We had big problems last year when […]
80% of teenagers think that ‘safe sex involves having a handrail around the bed’. That’s just one of the shocking statistics thrown up in a recent survey into the attitudes to sex from teenagers. The survey also found that: • 47% thought that rimming involved running a wet finger along the top of a milk […]
A female woman has left shoppers speechless after she had her ‘purse out ready to pay’ at a supermarket checkout. Onlookers were stunned when the mystery woman was immediately ready to pay for 6 donuts and a packet of toilet rolls after the checkout girl had scanned them through at a Kwik Save store. Usual […]
A woman is suing a slimming company for £90 million after claiming that their slimming shakes made her put on 32 stone. Tammy Thundergunt claimed that instead of losing her weight, it actually made her even bigger after drinking 17 of them a day. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “I saw one of their adverts in […]
A man has successfully found the end of a roll of sticky tape. David Dumfuck threw an impromptu party to celebrate, having spent the last three months looking for it. He told Grumpy Fuckers:“It was three months ago to the day that I started looking for the end of this tape. I’d been wrapping some […]
You might be a Grumpy Fucker without knowing it! Take our shitty quiz to find out! [qsm quiz=1]