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UN bans pineapple on pizza

pineapple-pizza

The United Nations has officially banned pineapple as a pizza topping.

The craze of putting pineapple on pizza was started by some asshole during the 1960s. The United Nations has said that the world can no longer go on with pineapple on top of a cheese and tomato base.

A spokeswoman for the United Nation told Grumpy Fuckers:

“It seems as if the world has been turned upside down these last few years and one of the main reasons for this is because people have continued to put pineapple on their pizzas. This horrendous procedure has been going on for far too long and we have now decided to act swiftly to deal with it. We are therefore announcing that from today, pineapple on pizza will be banned. Those attempting to put this exotic fruit on their pizza could face up to ten years in jail. We will not tolerate it any more.”

Pizza-lovers across the world have broadly welcome the move.

“I was happily married for 34 years until I discovered that my wife likes pineapple on her pizza,” said Mario Kart. “We were divorced the next day. I therefore welcome this new ban. I am now looking for a new wife. Hopefully one that has never put pineapple on her pizza.”

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Grumpy Fuckers demand permanent social distancing

social-distancing

Grumpy Fuckers across the world are demanding that social distancing rules should remain in place so that they don’t have to talk to anyone in the future.

Grumpy Fuckers have been quietly pleased with the social distancing rules as it has meant that they can keep the fuck away from other fuckers.

Gary TwoSheds, President of the Worldwide Grumpy Fuckers Association said:

“I’ve been more than happy with not having to speak to anyone. It’s saved me having to cross the road whenever I see anyone I know. The social distancing rules have been a blessing in disguise because it’s meant that I’ve been able to stay indoors and not go out and see anyone. I know that all the members of the association feel exactly the same so we are demanding that these measures are put in place permanently. Then we never have to speak to anyone ever. Perfect.”

Social distancing has been put in place in many parts of the world but the Worldwide Grumpy Fuckers Association said that they’d like to see the restrictions put in place globally.

“I’d like to go on holiday and not have to small talk with any fuckers while I’m there,” added Gary.

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2020 to be turned into a disaster movie

A studio in Hollywood has announced that it is to turn the year 2020 into a disaster movie.

The movie will come with the tagline ‘When you thought things couldn’t get any worse, it just did’.

Studio boss Danny SquareEyes told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I distinctly remember wishing my friends and family a happy 2020 on New Year’s Eve, and reminding myself that things couldn’t get any worse than they did in 2019. Boy was I wrong. This year has been an absolute shitshow and we’re not even halfway through yet. We’re going to sit tight and see how the next 7 months pan out and once it’s in the bag, we’ll get working on a script and get filming. We’ve not yet thought of who we’re going to cast, namely because we don’t know who’s still going to be with us by the end of the year. But we’ve already started some tentative storylines that we never thought we’d make because they seemed too over the top.”

The movie will be called 2020 – A Year of Shit, and studios are hoping to have it in cinemas across the world by the summer of 2021.

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Vibrators ask for some time out

Vibrators across the world have been asking their owners for some time out.

The phallic funboys have been in constant demand since the lockdown started, but many are now experiencing burnout.

One dildo told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I’m used to working once, maybe twice a week. This week, I’ve put in 17 shifts, including 7 in just one day. My owner doesn’t know whether she’s coming or going, as it were. All I know is that I’m exhausted. I’ve had to change my battery three times this week and I’m just hoping that she’ll run out and won’t be able to go to the shops to get more. I wasn’t built for this kind of industrial abuse. I should have joined the union when I had the chance. I can’t get a word in edgeways and I wake up every morning with a horrible feeling of dread coming over me. I don’t think I can take any more.”

One user told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I’ve completed Netflix and YouTube and the only thing left for me to do now is frig myself to death. It’s not my fault. I blame the government.”