Category Archives: News

PROVEN: Just because you’re unique doesn’t mean you’re useful

A recent study has proven that being unique has no benefit to anyone. The study by the University of FackAll proved conclusively that being unique doesn’t mean that you’re useful. Prof. Brian CleverClogs who ran the study said: “People go around thinking that they’re God’s gift to the world. The truth of the matter is, […]

Man dragged from home after putting phone in Airplane Mode

A man has been dragged from his own home after putting his phone into Airplane Mode. Brian Wetcleft was trying out his new phone when police burst into his house and dragged him from his armchair. Speaking from hospital, Brian told local reporters: “I’d been very excited about my new phone as I’d never had […]

92% of population’s happiness comes from gloating in other people’s misfortunes

A large percentage of the population’s happiness derives directly from gloating in other people’s misfortunes. The figure, published in a recent study, is an indicator that most people get on other people’s tits. Jessica Fuckwit who took part in the survey said: “I went through my entire teenage years being a spotty, messy freak. Most […]

COMPETITION: Will YOU nominate the Grumpiest Fucker of the Year 2017?

It’s here again- that’s right – the World’s Grumpiest Fucker Competition. This year’s competition is called the Grumpiest Fucker of the Year Competition 2017 to reflect that actual year that we are in. We’re also looking for the world’s grumpiest fucker, hence the title. Do you know someone who mopes around the place with a […]

83% dogs bark just to be annoying little bastards


83% of the world’s dog population bark just to be annoying little bastards. That’s the startling conclusion into a recent study into why the little shits make so much noise. Professor Danny Dogger who headed up the survey said: “We spoke to over 450 dogs and asked them the same question – Why do you […]

‘Depresso’ officially classed as medical condition for those with coffee withdrawal symptoms

The World Health Association has officially classed coffee withdrawal symptoms as a medical condition. Depresso is experienced when an individual is exposed to lack of coffee. Sufferers experience anything from headaches to committing homicide. A very important spokesperson said: “This condition has been around for a long, long time but it’s only now that we’ve […]

Kids’ Easter Egg Hunts prove the little fuckers can find things when they want

Easter Egg Hunts across the country are proving that kids can find things when they really, really want to. Children often have problems locating clean clothes, the things that they were sent upstairs to fetch, as well as inner calm. Frank ‘Humpty’ EggHead, who runs local Egg Hunts said: “I’m sure that this is something […]

Londoners voted Grumpiest Fuckers in the UK

People who work and live in London have been voted the Grumpiest Fuckers in the UK. Londoners, more commonly known as Laaaardernuz in their local tongue, were installed as the Grumpiest Fuckers in the UK by everyone outside of London. Gareth ThunderGunt, who headed up the survey said: “The UK has a wide variety of […]

Man who reached for the stars was just ‘pointlessly waving his arms around like an cockwomble’

A man who was told to go and reach for the stars has spent three hours waving his hands around pointlessly. Charlie Fuckwit was given the inspirational speech by a life coach he’d paid handsomely. Charlie said: “I paid her a lot of money. She listened to all my problems and made me feel very […]

Man with metal detector spends afternoon seeking the meaning of life

A man with a metal detector has spent an afternoon looking for the meaning of life. Billy NoMates came away empty-handed from his pointless activity. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “I had this thing for Christmas several years back and I never used it because I thought it was shit. But then last week, I was […]

Out of work Bill the Stickman lined up to go into Big Brother house

Former internet celebrity Bill the Stickman is being lined up to feature in the next season of Celebrity Big Brother. Bill took the internet by storm in 2016 before everyone got fucked off with him and put out a contract for his demise. Bill went to ground and hasn’t been seen since. However, his agent […]

The word ‘Good’ banned from ‘Have a Good Day’

The word ‘good’ has been officially banned from the popular phrase ‘Have a good day’. Government sources say that it more accurately reflects life in today’s modern world. A spokeswoman said: “I think it’s about time that we took a reality check and realised that the word ‘good’ doesn’t really add anything to our days. […]

International Day of Happiness can go fuck itself

Grumpy Fuckers across the world have told supporters of the International Day of Happiness to go fuck themselves. They say that the day of happiness is a load of shit designed to dupe people into thinking that life is fine. Manager of Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop, Clive Grimgrits said: “What a load of shit. Anyone […]

Woman so grumpy, she’s not even giving a fuck anymore – she’s giving negative fucks

A woman who has become so disenchanted with life has gone past the point of not giving a fuck anymore. Gladys Throbbon is now at the point where she is now giving negative fucks. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “When I was born, my Mamma told me that life was such a wonderful adventure and that […]

Doctors receptionists voted Grumpiest Fuckers in the World 2017

Doctors receptionists have claimed the title of this year’s Grumpiest Fuckers in the World. It means that they have successfully defended the crown they won last year. Gloria Grumpydrawers, Treasurer of the Grumpy Doctors Receptionists Guild said: “We are delighted to have won this title for a second time. We undergo a lot of training […]

Wife files for divorce after husband fails to dispose of empty toilet roll holder

An angry wife has filed for divorce from her husband after her failed to dispose of an empty toilet roll holder. Rita Bunce’s husband Terry left the toilet roll holder in the bathroom, even when the bin was right next to him. Rita told Grumpy Fuckers: “I can’t believe I married that lazy slob. He […]