A recent survey has shown that 87% of the world’s population is in a serious relationship with coffee. Participants of the survey said that they’d rather have a serious relationship with coffee than a human being. One coffee-lover told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve found that I hate most people because they’re dickheads. I’d much rather have […]
The World Health Organisation has today announced that 4pm is the universal Wine O’Clock. The organisation said that 4pm is now the most popular time to start getting shit-faced. Lionel DeBlair, spokesman for the WHO, told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve been collecting data from all over the world and after we’ve crunched all the figures, we’ve […]
A woman has accidentally bought herself a new pair of shoes after leaning on her phone. Thelma BendyLegs sat on her phone while watching a wildlife show on telly – and happened to accidentally input all of her 16 credit card numbers, her expiry date and her security number – all in the correct order. […]
A man has sold his homing pigeons for the 47th time this year after the birds repeatedly returned home. Every time Darryl Twosheds drops his pigeons off to the buyer, he returns to find the fuckers back home. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “I bought these homing pigeons because nobody likes me and I thought I’d […]
Superstar rapper Kanye West has promised to stop singing if he claims the White House this November. It means that the singer has suddenly become a serious presidential candidate as a result of the pledge. A spokeswoman for Mr West told Grumpy Fuckers: “It’s true. I spoke to Mr West himself this morning as he […]
Grumpy Fuckers across the world are demanding that social distancing rules should remain in place so that they don’t have to talk to anyone in the future. Grumpy Fuckers have been quietly pleased with the social distancing rules as it has meant that they can keep the fuck away from other fuckers. Gary TwoSheds, President […]
A studio in Hollywood has announced that it is to turn the year 2020 into a disaster movie. The movie will come with the tagline ‘When you thought things couldn’t get any worse, it just did’. Studio boss Danny SquareEyes told Grumpy Fuckers: “I distinctly remember wishing my friends and family a happy 2020 on […]
Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Monday 25th May. The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day. One grumpy fucker said: “Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day […]
A dickhead neighbour has mown his lawn at 7.30am on a Saturday. Residents hoping for a nice lie-in were woken by Alan Dupper and his Qualcast 125cc push petrol rotary lawnmower. Alan told Grumpy Fuckers: “My lawn needed doing so I got up early so that I could then spend the rest of the day […]
A woman has spent three hours doing her hair nice so that she can go and buy a loaf of bread. Emily Triplebelly washed it, blow-dried it and styled it in order to go and buy herself a small bloomer. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “I don’t get out much these days so it’s nice to […]
Vibrators across the world have been asking their owners for some time out. The phallic funboys have been in constant demand since the lockdown started, but many are now experiencing burnout. One dildo told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’m used to working once, maybe twice a week. This week, I’ve put in 17 shifts, including 7 in […]
A 54 year-old man has had his underpants surgically removed after he had worn them for 13 consecutive years. Brian CrispyGrits underwent the procedure after his wife threatened to divorce him if he didn’t change them. Brian told Grumpy Fuckers: “They were my comfy ones so I liked to wear them every day. But then […]
A woman in self-isolation has successfully watched everything on Netflix. Ethel LardArse says that she’s now moving on to YouTube, and hopes to complete that too by the end of the month. She told Grumpy Fuckers. “The big boss man told us that we’ve all got to stay indoors in case we get the virus. […]
A staggering 45% of the female population secretly use their boyfriend or husband’s beard trimmers to trim their muffters. Researchers found that a further 76% fail to wash the trimmer before returning back to the bathroom cupboard. Brian Bellend who conducted the survey, told Grumpy Fuckers: “We are both shocked and amused that women do […]
A new T-shirt campaign has been launched to alert social distancing assholes to back the fuck off. The new T-shirts tell the assholes to back away, reminding them to keep 6 feet away from the wearer. Gilly Underfumble, who created the T-shirts told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’m sick of walking down the street and coming across […]
A married couple who have been quarantined for the last 14 days have filed for divorce. Henry and Daisy Dipshit have said that they never want to see each other again after their enforced quarantine. Henry told Grumpy Fuckers: “That was the hardest two weeks of my life. I never want to do that again. […]
A man has been imprisoned for 3 months for playing Christmas music in his car. Police said that Graham Smoothballs was ‘playing a ridiculous Christmas CD in his car when it’s only November’. PC Billy Twoporches told Grumpy Fuckers: “Our boys were out on patrol when this dickhead drove past with his windows down, playing […]
A 50-year-old man has avoided having emotional breakdowns throughout his life by not having any emotions. Tony Bigballs said that having no emotions made life a lot easier for him. He said: “I see friends and they’re running around like lunatics all day. They’re tired, they’re stressy and worst of all, they’re emotional. They go […]
Local police have been given emergency new powers to taser anyone who asks ‘All ready for Christmas?’ Thousands of people are expected to fall foul of the new law, which takes place with immediate effect. PC Plod of the Police Force Federation told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve been overwhelmed by the amount of people asking this […]
The emotion of happiness has been officially classified as ‘over-rated’. Over 3,000 Grumpy Fuckers were questioned about happiness, and nearly 97% said it was over-rated. One Grumpy Fucker said: “I spent my whole life chasing happiness and it was only just as I’m nearing the end of my life that I’ve realised that I was […]