A builder has been deceiving the general public for seven months by keeping his tools in his van overnight, despite a sticker to the contrary. Jimmy ArseCrack, who has been a builder for 3 years, told GrumpyFuckers: “I am aware that some people like to break into vans like mine to steal tools, which they […]
Author Archives: Royston Butterscotch
A man has pretended to speak on his phone to avoid talking to someone he knew who was coming the other way. Darryl Turd was walking to work this morning when he spotted an old friend, Simon Gunt, coming towards him. Gunt told GrumpyFuckers: “I was about to say hello when his phone apparently rang […]
A new scheme that rates the grumpiness of shop assistants has been launched nationwide. The scheme rates shop assistants for their grumpiness. By law, they have to display their ratings in their shop window. A spokeswoman for the scheme told GrumpyFuckers.com: “We’ve all been into a shop where the shop assistant has been a total […]
20
Jun
Jun
Jazz musicians across the world have admitted for the first time that they just play any old shit they want. The revelation comes after a local jazz festival was cancelled due to poor ticket sales. Festival organiser Jimmy FlangeLips told GrumpyFuckers: “We weren’t selling many tickets and we were trying to find out why. We […]
A call for a ban on male porn stars wearing their socks while having sex has been made by an industry pressure group. We Want Sex, Not Sox has called for the complete ban of porn stars wearing socks while sticking their bits inside other people’s bits. Spokesman Glenda Slackflaps told GrumpyFuckers: “We see the […]
A man who spent his entire life working to pay his bills has died. Jimmy Waster started work at the age of 15 and has worked most days since. He was 62 when he died. His wife Janice said: “He spent his entire life working to pay the bills. I can’t think of one thing […]
Putting a duvet cover on has officially replaced divorce as the world’s most stressful life event. The news won’t come as a shock to many who struggle weekly with putting the fucking thing on. Student Jimmy Foureyes told GrumpyFuckers: “I’ve been through a lot of shit in my life already but nothing compares to the […]
For dog owners, dog farts are an all-out assault on the senses. The smell can overwhelm a fully-grown rhino and in some cases, people have lost vision for 24 hours after a particularly bad one. The worst thing about them is that they come so unexpectedly, like some sneaky ninja creeping up behind you and […]
A new ruling by the International Court has deemed that two-faced friends should be bitch-slapped twice – one for each face. The new ruling is designed to provide victims of two-faced fuckers with some retribution. A spokesman for the International Court told GrumpyFuckers: “We’ve all been on the receiving end of some two-faced twat. This […]
A man has invented a time machine so that he can go back 20 years and tell himself to stop being such a dick. Father-of-two Gary Glumchops built the machine after finding letters he’d written go girls, asking them to come round to his house to sit on his face. Gary told GrumpyFuckers: “Back in […]
Former internet star Bill the Stickman has revealed that he is in the grip of a deep depression since his fall from popularity. Bill, whose real name is Bill, was an internet hit earlier this year but has recently lost form and is now barely referred to on social media. He told GrumpyFuckers: “Since February, […]
This year’s Steak and Blowjob Day passed quietly for vegetarian lesbians. The day, celebrated as a ‘man’s holiday’ on March 14th, is traditionally celebrated by women providing steaks and blowjobs. Vegetarian lesbian Ali BigNork told GrumpyFuckers: “You really think I’d like to eat a chunk of cow that’s been dead for days and then follow […]
A man has discovered the Holy Grail of the human psyche – the one thing that turns every woman on. George ‘George’ Simpleton made the discovery by accident when after he had ordered a takeaway from his local Chinese. He told GrumpyFuckers: “I’d cleaned the kitchen before we had takeout but after we’d eaten, there […]
08
Mar
Mar
Events marking International Women’s Day have been cancelled after venues ran out of chocolate and wine. Delegates were forced to head home early, causing many of them to grumble and moan to their partners. One woman told GrumpyFuckers: “I was most disappointed. Okay, I arrived late because I didn’t realise how long it would take […]
06
Mar
Mar
A pair of twins are demanding a refund after their FaceSwap app proved to be pointless. Chris and Chris Gubbins bought the FaceSwap app from the Apple App store last week. The pair tried out their new app last night but found that it was a pile of shit. Chris told GrumpyFuckers: “We thought we’d […]
05
Mar
Mar
Men are to be given free ‘How-to-wash-up-as-you-go-along’ lessons in a new drive to tackle domestic disputes. The government has made the announcement, following a recent rise in divorce rates, specifically linked to messy kitchens. A spokesman told GrumpyFuckers: “Us lads take a lot of pride in the kitchen when we’re preparing meals for our loved […]
A new range of coffee has been launched for people who don’t like mornings. Grumpy Fuckers Coffee follows after the successful launch of Grumpy Fuckers Coffee shop in Cardiff. Manager Clive GrimGrits told GrumpyFuckers: “Our shop has become the number one tourist destination here in Wales since we opened last year. Every morning, we get […]
29
Feb
Feb
We all know how hard it is for some women to have their purses ready when it comes to paying for some goods at a checkout. That’s why we at Grumpy Fuckers have produced an in-depth, step-by-step, fool-proof and easy-to-follow guide. If you’re sick of hearing other shoppers sighing impatiently while you pay for your […]
Workers across the country have woken up to find themselves disappointed that the four-yearly extra day is a Monday. Monday is traditionally the shittiest day of the week. One worker told GrumpyFuckers: “Why couldn’t the extra day be a Sunday or even better, a Saturday? That way, I’d still have a Sunday to look forward […]
People who have a bad night’s sleep are 100% more likely to mention it on social media. That’s the conclusion of a study carried out by the University of Little Hope. Professor CleverDick, who undertook the study, told GrumpyFuckers: “People who don’t get a good night’s sleep feel the need to tell people that they […]