Grumpy Fuckers across the world have told supporters of the International Day of Happiness to go fuck themselves. They say that the day of happiness is a load of shit designed to dupe people into thinking that life is fine. Manager of Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop, Clive Grimgrits said: “What a load of shit. Anyone […]
Author Archives: Royston Butterscotch
A woman who has become so disenchanted with life has gone past the point of not giving a fuck anymore. Gladys Throbbon is now at the point where she is now giving negative fucks. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “When I was born, my Mamma told me that life was such a wonderful adventure and that […]
Doctors receptionists have claimed the title of this year’s Grumpiest Fuckers in the World. It means that they have successfully defended the crown they won last year. Gloria Grumpydrawers, Treasurer of the Grumpy Doctors Receptionists Guild said: “We are delighted to have won this title for a second time. We undergo a lot of training […]
An angry wife has filed for divorce from her husband after her failed to dispose of an empty toilet roll holder. Rita Bunce’s husband Terry left the toilet roll holder in the bathroom, even when the bin was right next to him. Rita told Grumpy Fuckers: “I can’t believe I married that lazy slob. He […]
A world-famous coffee shop has launched its own line of wine-flavoured coffee. The new coffee is aimed at those who struggle to draw a distinction between the night before the morning after and the morning after the night before. Clive GrimGrits, who owns Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop said: “We get all kinds of lazy shites […]
A grumpy mother has sent her three children to school dressed as Kindles for World Book Day. Debbie WideArse said she really didn’t have the time to make up any other fancy dress outfits. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “Every week there seems to be something I have to make or create for my kids to […]
Protests have broken out across the country, demanding that politicians stop turning people into grumpy fuckers. 100,000 people have lined the capital, chanting and holding placards to show how angry they are. One protester told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’m sick of it. Every time I turn on the TV, there’s some dickhead just waiting to rile […]
A woman who was told by a Careers Adviser to follow her dreams has gone back to bed. Julie LardArse took less than ten minutes to get home and back under her duvet. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “Chase my dreams? What’s all that shit about? The last time I followed anything I wanted, I ended […]
01
Mar
Mar
Scientists have successfully established a link between obesity and eating too much shit. The boffins concluded that eating too much shit makes you fat fucker. Prof. Brian CleverClogs told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve finally established a conclusive link between obesity and eating shit. Of course, there are people who are overweight through no fault of their […]
A world-famous coffee shop is recruiting new members of staff but on one condition – that they’re a Grumpy Fucker. Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop is looking for miserable bastards to serve up coffee and pick up crap after people. Manager Clive Grimgrits said: “We’ve had grumpy fuckers coming here from all over the world. Most […]
Britain’s leading TV fitness instructor has rebranded after getting old. Derrick Evans, most commonly known as Mr Motivator has since repackaged himself as Mr Demotivator. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “You get to a certain point in your life when you think ‘I really can’t be arsed’. Things that you thought were important like doing 5 […]
A woman who specifically told her husband not to buy her anything for Valentine’s Day has told of her disappointment that her husband didn’t buy her anything for Valentine’s Day. Joan ‘Joan’ Strumpet, 39, told her husband not to spend any money on Valentine’s Day but to put it towards a holiday. Husband Dean didn’t […]
Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto has announced that Mexico is going to build a tunnel under the Mexico/US border. He said that the Americans were going to pay for the tunnel, which will cost $324bn. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “Trump can boast all he likes about his fucking wall. I said to the missis last […]
19
Jan
Jan
For those still reeling from Monday – fear not – Fuck Off Friday is here! Fuck Off Friday is a day where those who are allowed to vocalise their most innermost thoughts to those around them. Many people use the day as an opportunity to tell those who get on their tits to fuck off […]
18
Jan
Jan
A recent survey has finally revealed why birds sing so beautifully in the mornings. Professor Brian CleverClogs published his discovery in the latest edition of the respected medical journal, The Scrotal Bulletin. He told GrumpyFuckers: “This study has taken us all over the world and we now know why birds sing so beautifully in the […]
The reason why women take so long doing anything has been revealed in the findings of a new study. The study showed that women take so long doing anything because they’re so fucking slow. Professor CleverClogs of the University of Nowhere in Particular told GrumpyFuckers: “Women take longer because they like to do things properly. […]
10
Jan
Jan
Grumpy fuckers from all over the world are preparing for the first-ever worldwide International Grumpy Fuckers Day. Monday 30th January will see grumpy fuckers from all over the world moaning about how shit their lives are like they do on any other day. Organiser Clive GrimGrits, who runs Grumpy Fuckers’ Coffee Shop, told Grumpy Fuckers: […]
A man has woken up exactly one minute before his alarm was due to go off. Shelf-stacker Derek Slowcoach had set his alarm for 7am but woke up at 6.59 exactly. Derek told GrumpyFuckers: “I set my alarm for 7am because I have to get up for my shitty job. I tried to get to […]
A man has told his work colleagues that he has a twin so that he can avoid talking to them outside of work. Jimmy Thundergunt said he thinks his work colleagues are boring assholes and doesn’t want to associate with them more than he has to. He told GrumpyFuckers: “I’m quite a tolerant person but […]
02
Oct
Oct
A new set of badges discouraging people from chatting on London’s Underground has been launched. It comes in response to an earlier initiative called Tube Chat, that tried to encourage commuters to chat, but ultimately went to shit. One London commuter told Grumpy Fuckers. “The last thing on earth that any commuter wants to do […]