A leading bird scientist has proven that owls are just fat, grumpy pigeons. Prof. Timmy Cleverclogs made the announcement to a packed conference last night. He told delegates: “We’ve all see them – these grumpy overweight birds with attitude. They stay up all night, giving mouses a hard time and all that shit. We took […]
Author Archives: Royston Butterscotch
25
Sep
Sep
Scientists have officially confirmed that more than 90% of the population suffers from Obsessive Coffee Disorder. Sufferers from the condition complain of being grumpy fuckers unless they get their fix of coffee. Prof. Timmy CleverClogs who made the announcement said: “Sufferers of Obsessive Coffee Disorder often find themselves find that they can’t function when they […]
13
Sep
Sep
The humble cat has officially been announced as the animal least likely to give a fuck about anything. The cats were pushed all the way to the winning post by koalas and last year’s winner – the honey badger. Professor Timmy CleverClogs who ran the study said: “We were interested in finding out which of […]
06
Sep
Sep
Nominations to find the world’s Grumpiest Husband have are now open. The competition will take place in November at Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop in Cardiff. Manager Clive GrimGrits said: “Yeah we’ve got this shitty competition because no one else will host the fucking thing. I’ll guess I’ll have to get some shitty food and drink […]
31
Aug
Aug
A new brand of coffee has been launched at a famous coffee house in Wales. The Cafe Vodka Valium Latte (commonly known as The Bomb) went on sale at Grumpy Fuckers Coffee House in Cardiff yesterday. Shop manager Clive GrimGrits told local press: “We get all kinds of grumpy fuckers in here in the mornings […]
A manager has forgotten to thank his member of staff for putting in extra hours of work to meet a deadline. The deadline was a bullshit one that really didn’t matter and the member of staff wasn’t paid any extra. The anonymous member of staff told Grumpy Fuckers: “I had so many chances to get […]
A dinner party hosted by a local Feminist Association Group erupted into violence last night after members refused to wash the dishes afterwards. Police were called in after they received calls from worried neighbours. Three women were arrested and charged with anything police could find at the station. One party-goer, who didn’t want to be […]
The annual Grumpy Fucker of the Year Award has received a record number of applications. The event, which crowns the world’s most grumpiest fucker, has been running since 2002. Clive GrimGrits who runs the awards said: “Yeah, we’ve had loads of entries. What else do you want to know?” Gordon Gunt who sent his application […]
The outdoor pastime of camping is to be officially renamed as ‘divorce in a bag’. It follows recent domestic problems as couples struggle to pitch their tents. Camper Dennis Wideface told GrumpyFuckers: “It’s the wife’s fault. She thinks she knows how to get a tent up when in fact, it’s only us men who know […]
Scientists have proven what most of us have thought all along – that women take three full days to wake up every morning. The research was carried out by Dr Brendon ShortThighs, whose experiment took 6 years to complete due to female participants taking their time to fill out forms. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “I […]
01
Aug
Aug
A woman has been admitted to hospital with severe shock after she discovered that her teenage son had tidied his room. Sheila Largecalves had returned home from work early after suffering from the shits. She arrived home to find her son’s bedroom in an acceptable condition. Her husband Len told Grumpy Fuckers: “I hadn’t noticed […]
A staggering 28% of the population now consider the coffee bean as their birth stone. The figure was recently published in a report that no one really gives a shit about. Gordon FatArse, who undertook the study told Grumpy Fuckers: “Life these days is pretty hectic and rather than turning to hardcore drugs, people are […]
27
Jul
Jul
The word ‘asshole’ has been officially announced as the most common word used by motorists. The announcement was made by Reg Plate, who has been conducting a survey of popular words used by motorists since last year. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “By far and away, ‘asshole’ was the word that most motorists used the most. […]
The summer of 2016 has officially been classified at the Summer of Shit. It follows shit events happening all around the world as well as a record number of Grumpy Fuckers in the country. A spokesman for the Association of Shit Stuff said: “Yeah, 2016 has been a shitter of a year. We’ve lots shitloads […]
A Russian father has been stripped of his title of Father’s Champion at the Dad’s Race at his local school. It follows news that Igor ‘Lightning Sneakers’ Nokabolokov had been using anabolic steroids for 6 months in preparation for the race. Headteacher Timmy Smartshoes told WalesOnCraic: “He went like shit off a shovel. Some of […]
A leading scientist has proven the theory that open plan offices turn normal people into Grumpy Fuckers. Professor CleverCloggs of No Hope University published his findings at a press conference yesterday. He told reporters: “We’ve all known it for years but open plan offices are a total shower of shit. Managers simply insist on them […]
The release of Grand Auto Theft Go has been blamed for a rise in traffic offences and fisticuffs between strangers. The game, which was launched following the success of Pokemon Go, allows people to play the game in the real world with their handheld phones. One gamer told GrumpyFuckers: “It’s great. So far, I’ve smashed […]
Coffee was invented to keep workers busy until the got drunk in the evenings. That’s the claim made by a leading historian about the origins of the drink. Professor CleverClogs told GrumpyFuckers: “This shit wasn’t just discovered. It was invented in a lab by a man called Mr Coffee on behalf of the government. They […]
Two grumpy f*ckers had smiles put on their faces when they found a Pokemon living in the arsecheeks of a fat stripper. Andy and Chris, both 35, found the Pokemon after downloading the Pokemon Go app last night. Andy told GrumpyFuckers: “I’ve been a right miserable shit these last few weeks. The last thing I […]
A smelly bus passenger has sat next to the only other other passenger on a bus, despite there being 47 other empty seats available. Sandy BigMuff was travelling home from work when the smelly passenger got on. She told GrumpyFuckers: “I was happy enough sat on my own when the bus pulled over to pick […]