Vibrators across the world have been asking their owners for some time out. The phallic funboys have been in constant demand since the lockdown started, but many are now experiencing burnout. One dildo told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’m used to working once, maybe twice a week. This week, I’ve put in 17 shifts, including 7 in […]
A 54 year-old man has had his underpants surgically removed after he had worn them for 13 consecutive years. Brian CrispyGrits underwent the procedure after his wife threatened to divorce him if he didn’t change them. Brian told Grumpy Fuckers: “They were my comfy ones so I liked to wear them every day. But then […]
A woman in self-isolation has successfully watched everything on Netflix. Ethel LardArse says that she’s now moving on to YouTube, and hopes to complete that too by the end of the month. She told Grumpy Fuckers. “The big boss man told us that we’ve all got to stay indoors in case we get the virus. […]
A staggering 45% of the female population secretly use their boyfriend or husband’s beard trimmers to trim their muffters. Researchers found that a further 76% fail to wash the trimmer before returning back to the bathroom cupboard. Brian Bellend who conducted the survey, told Grumpy Fuckers: “We are both shocked and amused that women do […]
A new T-shirt campaign has been launched to alert social distancing assholes to back the fuck off. The new T-shirts tell the assholes to back away, reminding them to keep 6 feet away from the wearer. Gilly Underfumble, who created the T-shirts told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’m sick of walking down the street and coming across […]
A married couple who have been quarantined for the last 14 days have filed for divorce. Henry and Daisy Dipshit have said that they never want to see each other again after their enforced quarantine. Henry told Grumpy Fuckers: “That was the hardest two weeks of my life. I never want to do that again. […]
The phrase ‘If you lost weight, you’d be a stunner’ has been deemed NOT a compliment by a panel of experts. The phrase is often proffered by over-confident men as a way of attempted seduction. Panel expert Jody Strongthighs told Grumpy Fuckers: “As women, we often hear this phrase and it’s often dished out by […]
A man has been imprisoned for 3 months for playing Christmas music in his car. Police said that Graham Smoothballs was ‘playing a ridiculous Christmas CD in his car when it’s only November’. PC Billy Twoporches told Grumpy Fuckers: “Our boys were out on patrol when this dickhead drove past with his windows down, playing […]
A 50-year-old man has avoided having emotional breakdowns throughout his life by not having any emotions. Tony Bigballs said that having no emotions made life a lot easier for him. He said: “I see friends and they’re running around like lunatics all day. They’re tired, they’re stressy and worst of all, they’re emotional. They go […]
Local police have been given emergency new powers to taser anyone who asks ‘All ready for Christmas?’ Thousands of people are expected to fall foul of the new law, which takes place with immediate effect. PC Plod of the Police Force Federation told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve been overwhelmed by the amount of people asking this […]
The emotion of happiness has been officially classified as ‘over-rated’. Over 3,000 Grumpy Fuckers were questioned about happiness, and nearly 97% said it was over-rated. One Grumpy Fucker said: “I spent my whole life chasing happiness and it was only just as I’m nearing the end of my life that I’ve realised that I was […]
Inspirational memes posted by social media users cure up to 97% of cases of depression. Social media users who post inspirational memes are often viewed as experts in curing mental health disorders. One social media user told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was down on my luck. I was really having a hard time of things and […]
World Peace Day has officially been ruined by an asshole with a lawnmower. Local residents were woken at 7.30 this morning by Jimmy Dickface, who was mowing his lawn. One resident told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was resting in bed because I’d been up late last night sitting on my husband’s face. I thought I’d be […]
Children have been voted the #1 reason why people drink themselves into oblivion. 98% of piss-heads included in a recent survey, said that their kids were the main reason they drank themselves silly. One participant said: “I get up at 6.30am every day to get stuff ready for the little fuckers. I have to drag […]
A university in London is now offering people to be a fully qualified Grumpy Fucker. The University of Farkin Larden will be offering the 3-year course from 2020. Professor Henry Scrote told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve often seen amateur Grumpy Fuckers around the world but we are now offering the chance to actually obtain some accreditation […]
An arsehole has spent an entire movie pointing out the differences between the movie and the book. Glen Shitface sat through the 2010 version of Alice in Wonderland and pointed out every single difference between that and Lewis Carroll’s book. His wife Glenda said: “I’m never going to watch a film with him again. The […]
The government is to set up a National Cockwomble register to allow authorities to keep track of their activities. Registered cockwombles will be subject to a range of restrictions, including being allowed out in the daytime and night time. A spokesman for the government told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve been calling for this register for many […]
An email sent from a woman in Australia has found a woman well in the US. Sheila Bilgepump sent an email to Cindy Leathercroth earlier this month. The email found Cindy well. Sheila told Grumpy Fuckers: “I always want my emails to find my customers well. For this very reason, I start my emails by […]
Scientists at a lab in Switzerland have concluded that drinking too much coffee can make you smell colours. Professor Hanz Cleverclogs announced his findings in a coffee shop this morning. He told awaiting members of the public. “We first started testing this theory on monkeys but they drank all the coffee and were then unable […]
Motorists across the world are preparing to drive like arseholes ahead of International Drive Like a Dickhead Day this Monday. The day allows drivers to drive like complete arseholes, angering other normal motorists. Darren Dickface of the Arsehole Drivers Association told Grumpy Fuckers: “I can’t wait! I’ve been practising my driving all week in anticipation […]