Category Archives: News

Woman ‘gutted’ to discover Facebook notification was just a Candy Crush invitation from an irrelevant person

A woman has told Grumpy Fuckers that she felt ‘gutted’ when she recently discovered that a Facebook notification was nothing more than a Candy Crush request from an irrelevant person. Sandy WideFace received the Facebook notification overnight. She clicked on it as soon as she woke up, thinking that someone had commented on a photo […]

Porn film banned for ‘falsely portraying plumber turning up when he said he would’

A porn film has been banned for portraying plumbers as people who turn up on time. The film, which features Dennis ‘ThunderRod’ Muggins as The Plumber, was made in 2010 by the now defunct Welsh porn company, Tits and Sheep. But the UK government has taken the unprecedented step of banning the film, as it […]

Rescue workers recover 643 bodies after 2-seater plane crashes into cemetery

Rescue workers have recovered 643 bodies after a 2-seater plane crashed into a cemetery. The Cessna aircraft hit a Chinese lantern and crashed. Rescue workers cordoned off the cemetery where the plane came down and are still recovering bodies. Rescue worker Glynne ThickHead said: “I was eating my tea when I heard the crash. We […]

Police given new powers to beat holy shit out of motorists who don’t indicate

Police are to be given new powers to beat the shit out of motorists who don’t indicate. The Government announced the new measures to cut down on the amount of arseholes who think that every other motorist knows where they are intending to go. Government spokeswoman Tina Tightarse told Grumpy Fuckers: “They’ve facking dickheads. They […]

Men to get free evening classes to learn how to put things back once they’ve used them

Men are set to get free evening classes so they can learn how to put things back where they belong after they’ve used them. The Government has announced the measures for men who struggle to put things back and then get stressed when they can’t find them the next time they need them, leading to […]

4 out of 5 teenagers think safe sex ‘involves having a handrail around the bed’

80% of teenagers think that ‘safe sex involves having a handrail around the bed’. That’s just one of the shocking statistics thrown up in a recent survey into the attitudes to sex from teenagers. The survey also found that: • 47% thought that rimming involved running a wet finger along the top of a milk […]

Shoppers left speechless by woman ‘ready to pay at supermarket checkout’

A female woman has left shoppers speechless after she had her ‘purse out ready to pay’ at a supermarket checkout. Onlookers were stunned when the mystery woman was immediately ready to pay for 6 donuts and a packet of toilet rolls after the checkout girl had scanned them through at a Kwik Save store. Usual […]

Helpline opens to help women addicted to buying cushions

A telephone helpline has been set up for women who are obsessed with purchasing cushions. Cushions Anonymous will allow women to call in confidence to talk about their addiction to buying soft furnishings. The line will also allow husbands who take second place to cushions in a marriage to call in. Manager Lesley Spreadlegs told […]

Man lives dangerously by attempting to talk to wife before her morning coffee

A man has risked having his bollocks ripped off by trying to talk to his wife before she’s had her morning coffee. Richard Dunce attempted to converse with his wife about his job before wife Glenda had taken a sip of her coffee. Glenda told Grumpy Fuckers: “I couldn’t quite believe what was happening. I […]

Woman keeps sadness inside after receiving haircut that she didn’t like

A woman has kept her sadness to herself after receiving a haircut that she didn’t like. Even though Annabel Arsewipe told her hairdresser that she loved her new perm, she ended up looking like Phil Spector and was afraid to say anything. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was in that chair for over three hours. […]

Grab yourself a coffee – International Grumpy Fucker Day 2018 is Friday 2nd November!

International-Grumpy-Fucker-Day-2018

Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Friday 2nd November. Fuckers all over the globe have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day. One grumpy fucker said: “Every day is International […]

Prosecco coolers to be introduced to offices nationwide

Offices across the country are to introduce Prosecco coolers to keep their workers happy. The drive is aimed at decreasing the number of grumpy fuckers who work in offices. Campaigner Kayne EastbyNortheast told Grumpy Fuckers: “We are aiming to have a Prosecco cooler in every office by the year 2020. Employers would see a significant […]

OFFICIAL: Taking your bra off after a long day is the best feeling in the world 2018

Taking your bra off after a long day is the best feeling in the world has been declared the best feeling in the world this year. Setting the puppies free has also been ranked ‘Best Feeling of 2018’ by women. A spokeswoman from the Institute of Feelings and Emotions told Grumpy Fuckers: “There have been […]