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Police get new powers to punch noisy eaters in the fucking face

Police have been granted new powers to punch noisy eaters in the fucking face.

Under the new laws, noisy eaters face chewing on a fist if they don’t eat quietly.

A spokeswoman for the police told Grumpy Fuckers:




“I hate noisy eaters. My boyfriend eats like a fucking cement mixer and I’ll be more than happy to see him getting punched hard in the face if he carries on. We have given our police these new powers so that we can stamp this stupid behaviour out. Police will be able to apply these new rules even when they are off duty so that if they are in a public place and come across a noisy eater, they can punch them in the face, no questions asked.”

One woman added:

“I was out having a meal last night and I swear that the woman on the table next to me was chewing a load of fucking rocks.”

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Hospitals to start offering Intravenous Coffee Therapy

Hospitals across the nation are to start offering free Intravenous Coffee Therapy.

The therapy will be offered to those who can’t do jack shit without a cup of coffee in the mornings.

A spokeswoman for the new therapy initiative told Grumpy Fuckers:




“Shit, I couldn’t get out of bed this morning until my fella brought me a bucket of coffee. We’ve set up this new therapy to take advantage of the fact that millions can’t function without caffeine and we are hoping to retire by the end of the year with the shitloads of money we’re going to make from it. Patients will be able to come into hospital, get their shot of coffee straight into their arms and this will allow them to function all week without having to down a coffee.”

Trial users have expressed their deep joy at the therapy. Gordon Wundergunt told Grumpy Fuckers:

“As soon as I got the hit, I went into a 15 minute orgasm. After that, I went and had a sit down because my head hurt but I was then able to function all week without having to get my coffee fix. It is a beautiful thing.”

Patients will be pumped with 20 pints of coffee in one sitting.

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Vegan gets stranded on a desert island

A vegan has become stranded on a desert island after finding themselves in the middle of a moral dilemma.

Les ‘The Lettuce’ Turnip is now facing the problem of what to eat, according to experts.

Nutrition expert Glenda Thundergunt told GrumpyFuckers:




“We are worried that Les won’t be able to bring himself to slaughter the animals that are on the island and will starve himself to death. We all know that the only source of protein in the world comes from dead animals and if Les doesn’t get his shit together pretty quickly, he’s going to end up as food for the vultures. We would encourage Les to stop being vegan and look after himself properly.

Les managed to get a message home to his family earlier this week. It read:

“I’ve often been asked the question ‘What would I eat if I get stuck on a desert island?’. There are wild pigs running around here, as well as sheep and cows and all kinds of animals. And I’ll be eating what they’re eating. It’s rather nice being away from all the arseholes in the world so I’m beginning to think that this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Everyone can go fuck themselves. Apart from the animals obvs.”

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International Lazy Fuckers Day postponed until next month sometime

International Lazy Fuckers Day has been postponed until next month sometime.

Organisers said that they couldn’t be arsed to arrange the annual event because it was too much hard work.

Organiser Fatboy Lardarse told Grumpy Fuckers:



“I woke up this afternoon and asked myself whether I really wanted all the work and hassle of arranging the event. I did it last year and it nearly killed me and this year, I think I’d rather just sit around in my kegs and watch telly instead. I phoned my mate Turdy McGinty and he said the same so we’ve decided just to postpone it for a while. Maybe when we’re feeling a bit more in the mood for it all.”

Regular visitors to the festival welcomed the news. Jerry Shithead said:

“To be honest, I’m glad to hear it. If was this month, I probably wouldn’t have gone because I really can’t be arsed. I hope that they postpone it indefinitely so that I don’t have to go.”

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World’s Grumpiest Husband 2018 Competition date announced

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The date of this year’s Grumpiest Husband Competition has been announced.

Friday 20th April will be the day that polls close and a winner announced.

Competition manager Clive Grimgrits told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We were inundated with entries last year. We had husbands who were moaning that they didn’t get food cooked for them after a long day at work; we had husbands who were moaning that they couldn’t get their ends away with their wives; we even had one husband moan that the TV remote control was too far away from him. The world is full of grumpy husbands and we’ll be wanting to find this year’s Grumpiest Fucker.”

There will be prizes for this year’s winner, including a World’s Grumpiest Husband T-shirt and mug.

“I’m sure that this year’s competition will be the best. If it isn’t, I’ll eat my hat. Metaphorically of course.”

To be notified of when entries open, scroll down to our mailing list below and pop your email address in.

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New dating site opens for people of mixed weights

A new online dating site has opened for people of mixed weights.

It means that fat fuckers can now date skinny fuckers at the click of a button.

Larry Lardarse, CEO of Fat v Skinny Dating told Grumpy Fuckers:




“It’s very rare that you see fat fuckers dating skinny fuckers and that’s all because of the stigma surrounding a fat fucker dating a skinny fucker. I was lying in bed last night next to my fat fucking wife and she asked me if I was going to make love to her. Of course I was going to make love to her – she’s my wife. Why wouldn’t I? But as I was there, banging away at her mound, it made me think about all the other skinny lads who were missing out on the fun that I have. The following day, I borrowed £250,000 from her to set up my own website especially for people of mixed weights. The best part about it is that I can log in as any of my clients so I can cheat on my wife and she’ll never know.”

Customers are expected to pay £30 a month in subscriptions.

“I’m so excited,” said Larry. “The first thing I’m going to buy with my huge income is a speedboat because I’ve always wanted one.”

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Man seizes wrong day

A 46 year old man has seized the wrong day while trying to make his life more interesting.

Donny Dickwash was hoping to seize a Monday but seized a Tuesday instead.

He told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I never get anything right in life. Nothing. I once married a woman and it was only three months into the marriage that I realised that she had a cock. Only last week, I was driving down the road and the guy in the car in front chucked out a plum. For some reason, I thought it was a hand grenade so I swerved to avoid getting blown up and crashed into a petrol station, which blew up. I thought I’d try and add some positivity to my life after seeing a motivational picture that my friend had put on Facebook. The picture said ‘Seize The Day!’ so I did. Sadly for me, I seized a Tuesday when I was hoping for a Monday. I really am thick as shit.”

Donny said that he realises now why he hasn’t got any friends.

“I’m just a complete failure and that’s fine with me because that’s what my Mum always used to tell me so it sorta fits.”

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Get ready for International Grumpy Fuckers Day – Wednesday 28th February

Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Wednesday 28th February.

The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day.

One grumpy fucker said:




“Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day in my life. The first thing I do when I get up in the morning is moan to myself about how shit my life is. I then go downstairs and make myself a shit cup of coffee. I head off to work about 8am and then spend the day working with arseholes. After that, I come back home, make myself a shit dinner and go to bed. That’s it. That’s my life.”

Another fucker said:

“Meh. Just get out of my face, fucker.”

International Grumpy Fucker Day was first celebrated in 2007. It’s been celebrated every year since because that’s how often annual events are celebrated.

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Mother successfully stabs straw into Capri Sun drinks pouch

A mother of two has successfully stabbed a straw into a Capri Sun drink pouch.

Sheila Largecalves couldn’t believe her eyes after managing to stick the pointy bit of the straw into the tiny fucking silver hole.

She told GrumpyFuckers:




“You should have seen the look on the faces of my kids. They couldn’t believe their eyes when they saw me do it. At first, they thought I was having a laugh but when they saw that I’d actually managed to get the pointy bit into the silver circle, their jaws just dropped. Even I had to look twice to make sure. Those holes are tighter than a mouse’s arsehole – I think they’ve been specifically designed that way to make us mothers swear a bit more than we should. I wanted to take a photo of my successful insertion but my greedy fat kid snatched the drink off me and drank it.”

Sheila’s friend Debbie Wondergunt said:

“I’ve never seen that happen before. And I don’t think I ever will again. Not in my lifetime. What a time to be alive!”

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Get ready for Grumpy Fuckers Day – Tuesday 23rd January

Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Tuesday 23rd January.

The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day.

One grumpy fucker said:




“Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day in my life. The first thing I do when I get up in the morning is moan to myself about how shit my life is. I then go downstairs and make myself a shit cup of coffee. I head off to work about 8am and then spend the day working with arseholes. After that, I come back home, make myself a shit dinner and go to bed. That’s it. That’s my life.”

Another fucker said:

“Meh. Just get out of my face, fucker.”

International Grumpy Fucker Day was first celebrated in 2007. It’s been celebrated every year since because that’s how often annual events are celebrated.

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World looks forward to another shit year

Nations across the world are waiting in anticipation of the arrival of another shit year.

With 2018 fizzling out like a disappointing fart, people are now looking forward to the shitfest that will be 2019.

Keith Watercloset of the Grumpy Fuckers Events Committee said:

“2018 was a total load of bollocks. Just when we thought that things couldn’t get any worse, 2018 came along like a massive arsehole. We will be celebrating seeing the end of 2018 and welcoming in 2019, pretending that things are going to be better for some reason. They won’t of course. If anything, 2019 will be a bigger load of bollocks than all the previous years put together.”

Grumpy Fucker Frank Bellend said:

“I’m not sure what’s worse – seeing goodbye to a shit year or welcoming in a new one.”

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Santa admits to being a fat, judgmental bastard

Festive favourite Santa Claus has admitted to being a fat, judgmental bastard.

Santa judges millions of small children around the world every year, leading to emotional trauma and feelings of insecurity among youngsters.

Santa came clean, telling Grumpy Fuckers:




“I’ve been doing this shit for years and it’s only recently that I’ve realised that I’ve been judging these poor kids all these years. Who am I to tell them whether they deserve toys or not? I ponce around the place, eating mince pies and putting on shitloads of weight. I think I need to come clean and admit that I’ve got some kind of problem. I’ve been to see my doctor and he told me to stop being so judgmental. I told him where to go and punched him in the face.”

One child said:

“Who is this fat fucker to judge me? I spend all my life trying to be good and as soon as I put one foot out of place, he’s there with his fat face, judging me and telling me that I’m on his naughty list. Well guess what fucker, you’re on my Shit List and you can get screwed,” said Timmy, aged 5.

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Woman forgets to take phone to the shitter

A 40 year old woman has forgotten to take her phone on her visit to the shitter.

Beverly GlumPlums resorted to reading the bottles of cleaning products under the sink after her stupid mistake.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:




“I always take my phone to the shitter. Every single time. Except for this time obvs. It wasn’t until I’d dropped my load that I realised I’d forgotten my phone. I was devastated. I really didn’t know what to do because I usually like to sit there for an hour or so looking at the crap my friends had posted on their social media. I sat looking around the bathroom for a few minutes before realising that the only thing I could read were the bottles of cleaning products. There was a bottle of bleach and also some disinfectant. I learnt lots from reading the bottles but it wasn’t the same as having my phone. After I left the shitter, I had to have a lie down. That’s how exhausting it was.”

Bev’s mum also called Bev said:

“My daughter’s a lazy waster. I want her to get off her fat arse, get herself a job and a house so she can stop shitting in my shitter.”

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PROVEN: Intelligent people are the grumpiest fuckers on earth

Scientists have officially proved that intelligent people are the grumpiest fuckers on earth.

The study showed that those who have an IQ of 140 or more were the grumpiest fuckers known to mankind.

Professor CleverClogs who commissioned and carried out the study, told Grumpy Fuckers:




“We’ve all had an inkling that those with greater intelligence seem to be the ones who are the grumpiest. We think it’s because they realise what a shitfest this world really is. Those with less intelligence live in a sort of ignorant bubble where everything is lovely and delightful. Our study has shown that the cleverer the person, the more they realise that life sucks – and hence the grumpiness.”

One participant of the study said:

“I’m a Doctor of Human Psychology and I’ve spent many years studying humans and their relationship with each other and the world. Sadly, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s all a load of shit. This gets me down and makes me sad.”

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World dickhead population reaches critical levels

Record levels of dickheads were recorded last month, sparking fears that the world is in the midst of a dickhead epidemic.

The world saw a 14% rise in dickheads in the last month alone.

Professor Freddy Fuckface told Grumpy Fuckers:




“I’ve never seen it this bad in all my life and I’m an old fucker. I sent the boys out yesterday to collect data from across the world and when we sat down and put it all together, we were amazed. The world has never seen such a high population of dickheads. They’re everywhere – in work, at home, down the disco. Everywhere you go, you’re knee deep in dickheads. I think that we are going to have to speak to the UN about this because this is unpresidented in modern day history. And yes, I did just say unpresidented.”

The rise in dickheads has been blamed on all sorts of shit. Professor Fuckface says that there is no one reason for the rise.

“Shit happens. This generation is stuck with the most amount of dickheads the world has ever seen. That’s all there is to it.”

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World Day of Peace disrupted by a FUCKING ALARM CLOCK

The World Day of Peace has been disrupted by a fucking alarm clock.

The annual day, dedicated to peace across the globe, went tits up after a shitty alarm clock woke those observing the holiday.

One observer told Grumpy Fuckers:




“I’ve been looking forward to this day all year. It’s the only day when I can officially have a lie in and get some peace and quiet. Then what goes and happens? My fucking alarm clock goes off. I thought I’d turned the fucker off but it seems not. It’s not surprising – I was totally wankered last night to the point where I was talking shit all night long. Talk about peace – none of my friends got any. I finally climbed into bed about 3am because I’d been up singing Gloria Gaynor songs all night.”

The World Day of Peace is designed to bring peace and harmony to the world.

So far, its effect can be officially classified as ‘Fuck all’.

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Cats can speak – but choose not to

A very clever cat expert has proved that cats can actually speak but choose not to.

Cats are renowned for not giving a flying fuck about their owners or anything else for that matter.

Gary ‘Whiskers’ Fourpaws told GrumpyFuckers:




“We did some kind of experiment that was highly top secret so I can’t tell you what it entailed. But we did conclude that cats can indeed speak perfectly good English but choose not to. Whether it’s the fact that they are indifferent to any other living creature, whether it’s shyness – or in fact whether it’s just that they hate people, we’re not quite sure. When we left our cats along in a room, they chatted among themselves in perfectly good discourse. As soon as we re-entered the room, they shut the fuck up and pretended that they couldn’t speak.”

The scientists also ran experiments on dogs to see if they could talk too.

“Sadly, dogs are just thick as shit and can’t talk,” said Gary.

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Appropriate Eyebrow Education to be taught in schools

Appropriate Eyebrow Education is to be taught in schools for the first time from October.

New directives are set to warn children about the dangers of looking like a cockwomble.

A government spokeswoman said:




“Ten years ago, eyebrows weren’t a problem. The one day, a beauty technician who was having a quiet week thought up the ‘problem’ of normal eyebrows. They started telling people that their eyebrows were shit and that they needed to be sorted. Naturally, people flocked from all around the world to have their eyebrows sorted. Other beauty technicians cottoned on to the idea and started offering their brand of eyebrow treatments, often just using a permanent black marker pen. Since then, people all over the world have been colouring their faces, some of them looking like right cockwombles. Our children need to be protected against this. They need to be reminded that it’s ok to have natural eyebrows so we’re introducing this into schools.”

One pupil at a local school said:

“My mam colours in her face every day before she goes to work. I want to tell her that she looks like a cockwomble but I’m scared that she’ll take my dinner money off me.”

Classes will be rolled out across Wales from October 4th onwards.

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Police given new powers to beat shit out of parking fuckwits

The government has granted new powers to police to allow them to beat the shit out of people who can’t park their cars.

It follows months of pressure from motorists who can’t find a place to park because some other dickhead can’t park their own cars properly.

Campaigner Debbie Moany told Grumpy Fuckers:




“We are sick to the back teeth of these arseholes thinking that they can park wherever they want. We are looking forward to seeing them getting beaten within an inch of their lives. I know that some of the rozzers around here have been dying to get stuck in and now that they have clearance from the top, they’ll be round our car parks like flies around shit.”

Police officer Gary Twogunts said:

“I’ve got myself a new truncheon and I can’t wait to use it. Bring. It. On.”

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Official: 83% of the population are Coffee Sluts

A large proportion of the population would describe themselves as Coffee Sluts, according to latest figures.

The rise appears to come in response to the recent rise of fuckwits and cockwombles in society.

A spokesman for The Coffee Analysis Foundation said:




“We’ve got Coffee Sluts left, right and centre. We’ve got Coffee Sluts all over the place. Christ, I’ve even got Coffee Sluts coming out of my arse. And the rise is down to the sudden rise of fuckwits and cockwombles that have infiltrated society. Coffee has kept murder rates relatively low over the years and the fact that we are seeing more and more Coffee Sluts is testament to that fact. Coffee is literally saving the world, one mug at a time.”

One coffee drinker said:

“I loves the stuff. Can’t get enough of it. I’m at the point in my life where I’m injecting it now.”

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