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Cats can speak – but choose not to

A very clever cat expert has proved that cats can actually speak but choose not to.

Cats are renowned for not giving a flying fuck about their owners or anything else for that matter.

Gary ‘Whiskers’ Fourpaws told GrumpyFuckers:

“We did some kind of experiment that was highly top secret so I can’t tell you what it entailed. But we did conclude that cats can indeed speak perfectly good English but choose not to. Whether it’s the fact that they are indifferent to any other living creature, whether it’s shyness – or in fact whether it’s just that they hate people, we’re not quite sure. When we left our cats along in a room, they chatted among themselves in perfectly good discourse. As soon as we re-entered the room, they shut the fuck up and pretended that they couldn’t speak.”

The scientists also ran experiments on dogs to see if they could talk too.

“Sadly, dogs are just thick as shit and can’t talk,” said Gary.

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Appropriate Eyebrow Education to be taught in schools

Appropriate Eyebrow Education is to be taught in schools for the first time from October.

New directives are set to warn children about the dangers of looking like a cockwomble.

A government spokeswoman said:

“Ten years ago, eyebrows weren’t a problem. The one day, a beauty technician who was having a quiet week thought up the ‘problem’ of normal eyebrows. They started telling people that their eyebrows were shit and that they needed to be sorted. Naturally, people flocked from all around the world to have their eyebrows sorted. Other beauty technicians cottoned on to the idea and started offering their brand of eyebrow treatments, often just using a permanent black marker pen. Since then, people all over the world have been colouring their faces, some of them looking like right cockwombles. Our children need to be protected against this. They need to be reminded that it’s ok to have natural eyebrows so we’re introducing this into schools.”

One pupil at a local school said:

“My mam colours in her face every day before she goes to work. I want to tell her that she looks like a cockwomble but I’m scared that she’ll take my dinner money off me.”

Classes will be rolled out across Wales from October 4th onwards.

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Police given new powers to beat shit out of parking fuckwits

The government has granted new powers to police to allow them to beat the shit out of people who can’t park their cars.

It follows months of pressure from motorists who can’t find a place to park because some other dickhead can’t park their own cars properly.

Campaigner Debbie Moany told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We are sick to the back teeth of these arseholes thinking that they can park wherever they want. We are looking forward to seeing them getting beaten within an inch of their lives. I know that some of the rozzers around here have been dying to get stuck in and now that they have clearance from the top, they’ll be round our car parks like flies around shit.”

Police officer Gary Twogunts said:

“I’ve got myself a new truncheon and I can’t wait to use it. Bring. It. On.”

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Official: 83% of the population are Coffee Sluts

A large proportion of the population would describe themselves as Coffee Sluts, according to latest figures.

The rise appears to come in response to the recent rise of fuckwits and cockwombles in society.

A spokesman for The Coffee Analysis Foundation said:

“We’ve got Coffee Sluts left, right and centre. We’ve got Coffee Sluts all over the place. Christ, I’ve even got Coffee Sluts coming out of my arse. And the rise is down to the sudden rise of fuckwits and cockwombles that have infiltrated society. Coffee has kept murder rates relatively low over the years and the fact that we are seeing more and more Coffee Sluts is testament to that fact. Coffee is literally saving the world, one mug at a time.”

One coffee drinker said:

“I loves the stuff. Can’t get enough of it. I’m at the point in my life where I’m injecting it now.”

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Dogs trained to say thanks to owners who pick up their shit

A new training regime for dogs will see dogs thanking the mugs who pick up their shit.

Unlike cats who hide their turds, dogs simply empty their bowels and fuck off to sniff things like plants and stuff.

Derek Dunce, director of Dog Owners R Mugs told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I’ve had dogs all of my life and not one of them has ever thanked me for picking up their shit. In fact, they’ve taken me for granted for so long now that it’s a joke. I’ve therefore devised a training regime so that dogs can thank us for picking up their shit. It’s a four week training course; dogs will go through some reflection on their current behaviour to begin with. We’ll then do some role playing where owners will shit on the carpet and dogs will be expected to pick it up. At the end of the four weeks, the dogs will receive a certificate and a biscuit because they’ll do anything for a biscuit. I’d like to think that the world will be a nicer place – even if dogs can’t pick up after themselves, a thank you to their owners wouldn’t go amiss.”

One dog said:

“Hey man. You bought me. You can expect to pick up my shit. I’m not going on this patronising so-called training course thanks.”

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Flat-earthers seek global following

Flat-earthers have launched a new initiative to increase their global following.

Followers of the concept say that they want to increase followers in all corners of the globe.

Chief flat-earther Billy Fuckwit told GrumpyFuckers:

“Since Neil Armstrong went to the moon, we’ve had people leaving our ranks in their tens. Of course, all of that was a load of bollocks – the earth is flat and we can prove that – just look at maps – they’re flatter than a witch’s tit. We want our reach to be truly global. We want our message to go all around the world. We want more members of our club so that we can give them membership badges. We got shitloads of them and we just can’t get rid of them.”

Critics of flat-earthers say that they are talking out of their arseholes.

“They’re just talking out of their arseholes,” said one critic.

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PROVEN: Mums are right about everyf*ckingthing

Scientists have proved the theory that mums are right about everyf*cking thing.

Children who think that they know best have been told to shut the f*ck up and listen to their mothers.

One mother told Grumpyf*ckers:

“I’ve been telling the little shits who live with me for 20 years now that I know best. Everything they’ve done, I’ve done it before and learnt from it. Take my daughter for instance. She banging this married man who told her that he’d leave his wife for her. A year down the line and what do you know? He still hasn’t left her. I’ve been telling my daughter for a whole year that this guy is a cockwomble and that she has to get rid of him. It’s only now that she’s realising that what I’ve been saying all along is right. Why don’t they just listen to what I have to say in the first place? It’d save them a lot of hassle and stress.”

One child said:

“My mum always thinks she’s right and most of the time she is. But she did say recently that Alice Cooper is still looking sexy and I don’t thinks she’s quite right about that.”

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Breakfast radio DJs told to stop being so fucking happy

Breakfast radio DJs across the country have been instructed to stop sounding so fucking happy.

Critics have complained that sounding so happy about life so early in the morning is unnatural, and should be banned.

Frank Grumblebags of the National Council of Radio Stations said:

“We’ve been having happy DJs first thing in the morning for far too long. Back in the day, I used to turn my radio on and listen to pure silence because there were no fuckers on the airwaves. Then some arsehole comes along and thinks it’s funny to be happy first thing in the morning. The annoying thing about radio is that you can’t punch the offender in the face. All you can do is turn that shit off. We are calling for a blanket ban across the country to stop these people infecting our mornings with happiness and laughter. It’s just not right.”

Brett Smiley, breakfast DJ for Shit FM said:

“I’m so happy in the mornings. I just want to make everyone else happy. After 10am when I get home though, I am a miserable fucker.”

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Silent hairdressers opens for grumpy fuckers who hate small talk

A silent hairdressers has opened for grumpy fuckers who hate small talk.

Grumpy Fuckers’ Hair Salon opened its doors yesterday and was overwhelmed by demand.

Manager Sheila Fuckwit told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We appreciate that lots of fuckers just want to come in and get their hair cut. We hate talking shit as much as the next person but a lot of the time, we feel that we have to make small talk to cover up the awkward silences. Our salon offers our guests a new experience. We don’t say a fucking word and don’t expect our guests to either. It’s this kind of bespoke yet excellent customer service that makes us stand out from the competition.”

Customers to the salon will be pleased to know that their hairdresser won’t be asking where they’re going on holiday this year.

One customer said:

“I just want to sit on my fat arse and get my shitty hair cut. This place is perfect for me.”

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Famous coffee shop changes its name to Grumpy Fuckers Covfefe Shop

World-famous coffee shop Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop has changed its name to Grumpy Fuckers Covfefe Shop in honour of Donald Trump’s now infamous tweet.

Trump was reportedly halfway through a tweet when the magic mushrooms he’d taken kicked in.

A spokesman for the White House said:

“These are the words of a true leader. People have been asking us all day what covfefe actually means – the word is Latin for great and glorious leader of the free world. It’s a word that defies meaning. Only certain people can say this word. It’s so special that it’s not even in the dictionary. You will find that our Chosen One was given this word by God himself. No ordinary man can comprehend it.”

Another spokesman said:

“Yeah Trump was off his tits. He was halfway through his tweet before he started dribbling and talking bollocks.”

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Man visits gym but forgets to ‘check-in’ on Facebook

A local man has visited his local gym and forgotten to ‘check-in’ on Facebook.

The dickhead, who didn’t want to be named for fear of embarrassment, visited Big Guns Gym last week.

He told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I still can’t get my head around the fact that I went there, did a really good workout and then forgot to tell everyone on Facebook. What a waste of a gym visit. I am absolutely gutted. I told my wife Sheila when I got home and she hasn’t spoken to me since. I had to cancel a night out with the lads on the weekend in case I let slip. I told them I had bardy guts. I can’t even go back to the gym in case they saw my Facebook page last week and knew that I didn’t tag myself in. I’m mortified.”

The case follows last week’s revelation that some men are sitting outside their local gym, just so that they can ‘check-in’ and make it appear to their Facebook friends that they work out.

“These people are muppets.” said gym owner Jim ‘Gym’ Slim. “We all know you don’t have to physically be at the gym to check yourself in there.”

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Woman who seduced man with her Fuck Me Shoes in nightclub put on Fuck Off Slippers when she got home

A woman who seduced a man in a nightclub wearing her Fuck Me Shoes replaced them with her Fuck Off Slippers when she got back to her place.

Frank Boner thought his luck was in after Denise Wideflaps gave him the come-on in Jurassic Park nightclub but she wanted to sleep instead.

He told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I really thought I was in. I’m no oil painting and I’ve been to Jurassic Park many times and not even been acknowledged by a woman. But on this night, I really thought that my luck was in. I was stood looking at the dance floor when this woman called me over. I didn’t think she was looking at me at first because she had a bonk eye but eventually, we ended up dancing. She had these amazing Fuck Me Shoes on and she was rubbing her fat arse up against my groins. I bumped and grinded for a while and then she said that she wanted to take me home. I didn’t need to be asked twice. I went to the gents and got myself some protection and we got a cab home. When we got there, she put on her Fuck Off Slippers and told me to fuck off. She told me that she wanted to sleep and that I wasn’t welcome to stay.”

Denise said:

“I can’t remember much about what happened. I vaguely remember coming home in a cab with some fat twat so the story may be true.”

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Woman admits that being grown up is shit

A 32 year old woman has faced up to the fact that being a grown up is shit.

Lucy Biffon said that she’s fed up of having to do grown up things and would like to be a kid again. Please.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:

“When I was little, my mum told me what life was wonderful. She took me by the hand and said that I had my whole life ahead of me – I’d see wonderful things, meet beautiful people and enjoy my life. Turns out that she was talking shit. I hate my job, can’t find a fella that’s right for me and my tits are already starting to droop like a pair of empty purses. Grown up is shit. I thought it’d be fun but all I do is pay bills, put the bins out, pick up the dog’s shit and go to sleep. I’d like to speak to my mum and ask for a refund because this is not what I signed up for, or what I was promised.”

Lucy’s mum said:

“I had to lie to give her some hope in the world. Sadly, she’s realised already that it’s all pretty pointless. I’m going to run away now. Bye.”

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Woman fakes own death to avoid sexual advances of her husband

A woman has faked her own death to avoid having to have a romantic interlude with her husband.

Jennie Dryflaps said that she was fed up of her fella rubbing his semi up against her back to turn her on.

She told her local press:

“When my fella and I first got together, we were at it all over the place, all the time. We were tied at the groins – nothing could stop us getting it on. We’d do it at home, in the car, in the shopping mall – even in church. Then we got married and that was the end of that. Recently, he’s taken to rubbing his half-chubby up against my back in a bid to turn me on but it’s making me feel physically sick. He doesn’t even speak to me – he just rubs it all over like he’s painting my back with it. Yesterday morning, I’d had enough so I pretended I was dead. After two hours, he realised that I wasn’t responding and called an ambulance. They carted me off and once I was in the back of the ambulance, I was able to sit up and have a cup of tea. I phoned home an hour later, pretending that I was doctor, and telling him that I’d died. He took it pretty well. I’ve now booked a flight to Mexico where I can get some Mexican hunk to ravage me on the beach.”

Jennie said that faking her own death was worth it:

“At least I won’t have to deal with that every morning from now on.”

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Company advertises vacancy for Office Arsehole

A local company has officially advertised a paid position of Office Arsehole.

The company has been inundated with applications from arseholes all over the country.

Jimmy FudgeFingers who placed the advert said:

“Every office has an arsehole, some more than others. We thought we’d embrace this wonderful diversity that Office Arseholes bring to the world of commerce. Duties include bringing food into the office each lunchtime, filling the fridge with loads of their own food and taking credit for someone else’s work. We also fully expect them to hit ‘Reply To All’ when they receive a company email and also to leave dirty cups and dishes around the place for other people to pick up. Being an Office Arsehole is a very important job and we are delighted to see the response we’ve had from our advert. Sadly, we lost our Office Arsehole last week when he ran off with all our takings.”

Applicant Andy Arsehole said:

“I like to bring fish or curry into work and cook it on site. I also like to steal other people’s milk from the fridge. I’m very clever and take from a different bottle each times so that I never get noticed. I’m a professional arsehole.”

Applications for the post close on Monday.

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Man spends who spent his entire life paying bills dies

A man who has spent his entire life paying bills has died.

Clarence Dullard started paying his bills when he was just 16 years and spent the following 71 years paying them.

Daughter Molly said:

“Dad spent his entire life paying bills but sadly after paying them for 71 years, he died. We were watching telly. He just kind of pulled a face and that was it – he was gone. I look back over his 71 years of him paying his bills and wonder if he’d have had more fun if he’d said ‘Fuck it’, bought a camper van and went to see the world. History has a funny way of repeating itself too as I’ve been paying bills now for nearly 26 years and I’ll probably end up the same way as Dad did.”

Clarence was buried on Monday but has left one final bill for his lazy daughter to pay – his funeral fees.

“Sadly, Dad forgot to pay in advance for his funeral. He wanted dancing naked ladies and all sorts there. What he failed to tell me was that I’d be paying for it.”

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Wise old man concludes that everyone is a cockwomble

After 85 years of living on earth, an old wise man has concluded that everyone on the planet is a cockwomble.

Sanjay Grumpydrawers says that his conclusion is based on decades of research of the human race.

He told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I’ve been around long enough to know what’s what. Ever since I was little boy, I began studying the human race and how they interacted with one another. It started with my parents. My dad was a right cockwomble and my mum wasn’t much better. I went to school and got bullied. Loads of cockwombles there. I got a job. Place was full of cockwombles. Moved to the city. Couldn’t move for cockwombles. Decided to become a hermit and live in a cave. Got myself a dog. He shat in my cave and fucked off. Another cockwomble. The world is full of cockwombles. Everywhere you look, there are millions of cockwombles and to be quite honest, I’ve had enough of it.”

Sanjay’s teachings are to be documented in a new TV show called ‘Everyone’s A Cockwomble’ which will be aired next year.

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The total number of minutes that mums get to themselves in a day is fuck all

The total number of minutes that mums get to themselves has been totted up by someone very clever.

They’ve concluded that the amount of minutes that mums get to themselves in any given day is ‘fuck all’.

Peter ‘Pied’ Piper who made the findings said:

“We tried to speak to mums to get some feedback on how many minutes in a day that they get to themselves. On several occasions, we were kept waiting while the mums were sorting their kids out. On many occasions, we had to abandon the interviews because the kids kept interrupting everything. We spoke to some mums who told us that we’d have to speak to them later by phone as they had to be at soft play and despite several calls put in, we never actually got to speak to the mums. Everything considered, we concluded that the amount of actual minutes that mums get to themselves every day is what we call ‘fuck all’. It’s a technical term.”

We asked one mother what her thoughts were on the findings but she said that she had to go because she was late for feeding her little one.

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PROVEN: Just because you’re unique doesn’t mean you’re useful

A recent study has proven that being unique has no benefit to anyone.

The study by the University of FackAll proved conclusively that being unique doesn’t mean that you’re useful.

Prof. Brian CleverClogs who ran the study said:

“People go around thinking that they’re God’s gift to the world. The truth of the matter is, most of us are dispensable. Being unique means Jack Shit. It’s of no use to anyone so if anyone approaches you and tells you that they’re special, either punch them in the face or refer them to my study. If someone comes up to you and says that they work really hard, remind them that washing machines do too. Being unique is of no benefit to anyone.”

Lloyd Gunt who took part in the study said:

“I always thought that I was very special but I realise now that I’m not. I think I’ll spend the rest of my life in my bedroom, away from people.”

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Man dragged from home after putting phone in Airplane Mode

A man has been dragged from his own home after putting his phone into Airplane Mode.

Brian Wetcleft was trying out his new phone when police burst into his house and dragged him from his armchair.

Speaking from hospital, Brian told local reporters:

“I’d been very excited about my new phone as I’d never had one before. I made myself a cup of tea and turned my new phone on to see what it did. There were a few things that I wasn’t quite sure about and one of them was the Airplane Mode. Firstly, I couldn’t understand why it didn’t say Aeroplane Mode and then I wondered what happened if I pressed it. I thought my armchair might sprout a pair of wings or something. What I wasn’t expecting was a large group of armed police crashing through my window and dragging me from my chair. They dragged me out of the house and down the street where a few of the boys saw what was going on and tried to stop them. At one point, I was being pulled like Stretch Armstrong and I realise now that I’m about 1 foot taller than I was this morning. The police gave no explanation as to why they dragged me from the house but I did hear one of them mutter that I was overbooked.”

The police have given no formal response to this story, probably because we just made it all up.

“I’m hoping to get home soon and finish off that cup of tea,” said Brian. “I hate it when I don’t finish off a cup of tea. I feel incomplete.”