Scientists have discovered that cats secretly tell their owners to go fuck themselves – in some cases up to 50 times a day. The boffins found that whereas dogs need constant attention, cats are quite happy for everyone to fuck off. Professor Shinyshoes told Grumpy Fuckers: “We have always considered cats as members of our […]
A woman has filed for divorce after 30 years of marriage after finding traces of butter in her jam. Ethel Leathercrotch said she’d been putting up with that butter-in-the-jam shit for too long and she’d had enough. Husband Terry told Grumpy Fuckers: “She went absolutely apeshit. I’ve been making her toast and jam every morning […]
A popular nightclub has closed its doors ‘for the foreseeable future’ after it was feared that the venue was attracting a dangerously high proportion of munters. The club’s Facebook page informed visitors that the iconic nightclub was closing because there were too many ugly fuckers patronising the venue. Club-goer Dean Snitch told Grumpy Fuckers: “I […]
The 2018 Grumpy Fuckers Awareness week has been launched at a shitty coffee shop in Wales. This year’s Grumpy Fuckers Awareness Week takes place from 15th-21st October, and will include several days of fuckers of moping around with a face like a slapped arse. Organiser Clive Grimgrits, who also manages Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop in […]
A woman has fallen out with her family in November in a bid to prepare herself early for Christmas. Glenda Wideflaps phoned her parents and siblings last night to call then ‘selfish cockwombles’ to start her festive fisticuffs. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “I always tend to leave things to the last minute so I thought […]
A terrier has saved his owner from the murder by 13 postmen, 46 bin men and 103 cyclists in the last week with just his barking. Rufus has scared away would-be murderers from the house with his yapping and hollering. Owner Chris SmellyHouse told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’m so glad I bought him. I would have […]
A telephone helpline has been set up for women who are obsessed with purchasing cushions. Cushions Anonymous will allow women to call in confidence to talk about their addiction to buying soft furnishings. The line will also allow husbands who take second place to cushions in a marriage to call in. Manager Lesley Spreadlegs told […]
A walker has been taken to hospital with shock after a cyclist thanked them for moving out of their way. The incident happened on the popular Taff Trail in Cardiff. The walker is said to be in a stable condition. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was walking to work down the Taff Trail as I […]
An assertiveness charity is hoping to cash in on traditional October events by running a new campaign called FuckOfftober. The campaign hopes to give more people the confidence to say ‘Fuck Off’ when someone is boring them shitless. Campaign manager Tracy SmoothCalves told Grumpy Fuckers: “There are so many boring people in the world and […]
A man has made conversation with his wife who was sat next to him after Facebook went down last night. The popular social networking site went down leaving many not sure what to do with themselves. Jeff WideGut told Grumpy Fuckers: “It was all a bit strange. There I was one minute on my phone; […]
The Government has ordered BMW to recall 5 million of their cars after it was discovered that none of the indicators work on their cars. The car manufacturer has yet to respond to the request, which follows on the news that VW will have to recall some of their cars due to falsified emission tests. […]
A runner has set a personal best but stupidly, has totally forgotten to post it to Facebook. Denise Lardarse beat her previous best of 32:45 to run down the chippy and back last night. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was so excited about the bag of chips I’d just bought, I totally forgot to share […]
A man has taken the rest of the year off work to make sure he’s in when his wife’s internet orders arrive. Jimmy Blundergunt says that it will help his relationship as his wife always gets stressed when her deliveries go back to the Post Office. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “My job’s shit anyway so […]
A new app has been launched to help fuckers find their lost socks. The FindMySock app can even find socks that have seemingly vanished in the washing machine. Creator Jimmy Fuckface said: “I’ve lost shitloads of socks over the years. It got so bad that I realised that I had to do something. I knew […]
Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Monday 24th September. The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day. One grumpy fucker said: “Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day […]
A group of antisocial people is still yet to meet, ten months after it was set up. The Grumpy Fuckers Anti Social Social Club have put off ten monthly meetings so far this year. A spokesman told Grumpy Fuckers: “We really can’t be arsed to meet. Our problem is that we hate people as a […]
A new emoji has been launched, allowing people to express how much of a Grumpy Fucker they are with one push of their fat fucking thumb. The new emoji is available on all good smart phones, and some shit ones. Inventor Clive Grimgrits told a waiting audience: “A Grumpy Fucker emoji has been a long […]
Police have been granted new powers to punch noisy eaters in the fucking face. Under the new laws, noisy eaters face chewing on a fist if they don’t eat quietly. A spokeswoman for the police told Grumpy Fuckers: “I hate noisy eaters. My boyfriend eats like a fucking cement mixer and I’ll be more than […]
Hospitals across the nation are to start offering free Intravenous Coffee Therapy. The therapy will be offered to those who can’t do jack shit without a cup of coffee in the mornings. A spokeswoman for the new therapy initiative told Grumpy Fuckers: “Shit, I couldn’t get out of bed this morning until my fella brought […]
A vegan has become stranded on a desert island after finding themselves in the middle of a moral dilemma. Les ‘The Lettuce’ Turnip is now facing the problem of what to eat, according to experts. Nutrition expert Glenda Thundergunt told GrumpyFuckers: “We are worried that Les won’t be able to bring himself to slaughter the […]