Scientists have discovered that cats secretly tell their owners to go fuck themselves – in some cases up to 50 times a day.
The boffins found that whereas dogs need constant attention, cats are quite happy for everyone to fuck off.
Professor Shinyshoes told Grumpy Fuckers:
“We have always considered cats as members of our family but in truth, they really don’t give a shit. They’re quite happy to take the food, warmth and treats that you give them but they feel no allegiance to you. Just because they live in your house doesn’t mean that they love you. We invented a very special piece of kit that reads cats’ minds and we discovered that cats are constantly telling their owners to fuck off. We had one cat that was constantly repeating the words ‘fuck you’ every few minutes or so. One owner was petting her cat so much that the cat had enough and went and shat in her slipper. These cats just don’t care and they don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves.”
One owner said:
“I don’t believe a word of it. My cat loves me and I know this because it brought me in a dead frog last night.”