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Mexican President: We’re going to build a fucking tunnel

Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto has announced that Mexico is going to build a tunnel under the Mexico/US border.

He said that the Americans were going to pay for the tunnel, which will cost $324bn.

He told Grumpy Fuckers:




“Trump can boast all he likes about his fucking wall. I said to the missis last night that I should build a tunnel instead. She said that it was a good idea so I got up out of bed to draw some designs. I was there with a blank piece of paper and pen. It took me a good few hours but I eventually came up with something perfect. It’s of cylindrical design and will go underground.”

Enrique Peña Nieto said that the location of the tunnel hasn’t been disclosed to keep the Americans guessing.

“Shit, we’ve got hundreds of tunnels there already. The faster their lot are sticking up the wall, the faster our lads will be digging a tunnel underneath it.”

The White House hasn’t responded to the announcement, saying that they are still arguing about how many people turned up at Trump’s inauguration.

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Forget Blue Monday – it’s Fuck Off Friday

For those still reeling from Monday – fear not – Fuck Off Friday is here!

Fuck Off Friday is a day where those who are allowed to vocalise their most innermost thoughts to those around them.

Many people use the day as an opportunity to tell those who get on their tits to fuck off – hence the name.




Clive GrimGrits, who owns Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop told GrumpyFuckers:

“Most of us go through our days wanting to tell people what they really think about their friends, family and work colleagues. Fuck Off Friday is a perfect opportunity to tell it as it is. Only this morning, I bumped into an old school friend. He was thick as shit in school but he passed by in his top-of-the-range Mercedes and a big-titted woman in his passenger seat. He came into my shop and asked me how I was doing and I told him that I was struggling to run the shop and that my missis had left me earlier this month. He told me to ‘keep my chin’ up so I told him fuck off. I haven’t seen him since and that’s fine by me because he’s a right cockwomble and not the sort of person I want to spend time with.”

Grumpy Fucker Debbie DroopyArse said:

“I can’t wait until Fridays now because that’s the day I get to tell my twat of a husband what I really think of him.”

Fuck Off Friday is celebrated all around the world and anyone can join in. How do you celebrate Fuck Off Friday?

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REVEALED: Why do women take so fucking long doing anything?

The reason why women take so long doing anything has been revealed in the findings of a new study.

The study showed that women take so long doing anything because they’re so fucking slow.

Professor CleverClogs of the University of Nowhere in Particular told GrumpyFuckers:




“Women take longer because they like to do things properly. Their motto is ‘do it once, do it properly’. Whereas a fella might attempt to do the same thing three times before getting it right, a female will always take her time. That’s why they are slow and that’s why they take a fucking age to do anything.”

One male participant of the survey said:

“This morning at 9.15am, I asked my wife whether she’d like to nip to the shop with me. The shop’s only around the corner and I thought it’d be a good chance for us to catch up about our plans for the day. It was a silly mistake for me to make. I was still waiting at 4pm and the shop had shut. I could have spent a whole day in work and got paid for it by the time she took to get ready.”

His wife, who also didn’t want to be named said:

“I don’t give a flying fuck about how long I take to get ready. If it takes me three hours to look like perfection, then so be it. I’d rather that than look like a scruffy bag of shit like my husband does.”

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Grumpy Fuckers prepare for Grumpy Fuckers Day 2017

Grumpy fuckers from all over the world are preparing for the first-ever worldwide International Grumpy Fuckers Day.

Monday 30th January will see grumpy fuckers from all over the world moaning about how shit their lives are like they do on any other day.

Organiser Clive GrimGrits, who runs Grumpy Fuckers’ Coffee Shop, told Grumpy Fuckers:




“This day will be like any other shitty old day except that on this one, we’ll be even more grumpy than usual. I’ve set up a for people to come along and whinge and if they can’t be arsed to check it out, they can go fuck themselves. I’ve spent a lot of time and money on this so the least they can do is click a fucking button on their mouse.”

The day’s events will see people moping about their home towns with faces like slapped arses.

One man who took part in last year’s Grumpy Fuckers Day said:

“Meh.”


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Man wakes up 1 minute before alarm goes off

A man has woken up exactly one minute before his alarm was due to go off.

Shelf-stacker Derek Slowcoach had set his alarm for 7am but woke up at 6.59 exactly.

Derek told GrumpyFuckers:




“I set my alarm for 7am because I have to get up for my shitty job. I tried to get to sleep but it was fairly difficult because my next door neighbour was banging his missis. I finally dropped off at about midnight and the next thing I know, I wake up. I thought I’d have a quick slash, but the next thing I know, my fucking alarm’s going off. I was so angry that I punched myself in the face and went to work.”

Derek’s mum said:

“The boy’s a waster of space. I wish he’d move out.”

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Woman accidentally picks up bag of donuts instead of bag of organic vegetables at local store

A woman has mistaken a bag of organic vegetables for a bag of jam donuts at a local supermarket.

Jenny ‘Wobbly’ Webbly picked up the bag of donuts in error at her local Kwik Save store. She had been intending to pick up a bag of mixed organic vegetables.

Jenny told GrumpyFuckers:




“I really don’t know how it happened. I reached out for the bag of vegetables and it wasn’t until I’d got home and sat down to watch that Arnie film – the one with the woman with the three tits – that I realised I’d picked up the donuts by mistake. I had no choice but to eat them all because that’s all I had in the house. I blame the labelling on the bags. Supermarkets these days are very clever at tricking us shoppers. I am going to write to my local newspaper and moan about it. People like me are being taken for a ride and someone has to put a stop to it.”

Jenny’s next shopping trip will be on Monday. She said:

“I’ll try not to let the same thing happen again but I can’t be 100% sure that it won’t.”

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Man uses piece of wood he put in his garage in 1982 ‘because it might come in handy’

A man who put a small block of wood in his garage in 1982 ‘because it might come in handy in the future’ has used it to prop up a set of drawers, 33 years later.

Gary Slowcoach, 52, put the small block of wood in his garage after finding it outside his house. Despite his wife telling him to throw it away, Gary kept it because he thought it might come in handy in the future.

He told GrumpyFuckers:




“I always knew that it’d come in handy one day. My missis kept telling me to throw it away but it was just fate that I found it outside my house that day. Then yesterday, one of the short legs on my set of drawers came off as I tried to retrieve my kegs that had fallen down the back. My mind immediately went to the block of wood I’d put in the garage back in 1982 and lo and behold – it was the perfect shape and size.”

Wife Jean wasn’t overly pleased.

“He’s a lazy twat. All he had to do was stick the drawer leg back on but oh no, he wanted to prove me wrong after all these years. I’m thinking of divorcing him soon. He’s done nothing for me these last 30 years. And his arse smells too.”

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Cardiff store apologises for offensive shop banner

A Cardiff shop has been forced to apologise after one of its banners contained an offensive typo.

Bargain store Massive Discounts contracted a sign-maker to create a new banner for the shop front. Sadly, the banner contained the word ‘discocunt’ instead of the word ‘discount’.

Shop manager Jim Bellend told Grumpy Fuckers:




“I’ve always hammered home the importance of good spelling to my staff. Unfortunately, this didn’t extend to the twat who made my sign and posted it for all the world to see. It’s a massive embarrassment as I don’t have any discocunts in stock.”

Shopper Lesley Longarms said:

“I popped in to get one for my husband as I’d rather he didn’t touch mine. I was vexed when they told me that they didn’t sell any. I left in tears so I went to Burger King and stuffed my face full of dead cow and fat.”

The shop has since replaced the banner.

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Supermarket opens new lane for women who can’t seem to locate their purse

A Chepstow supermarket has opened a new lane for women who can’t seem to locate their purse.

The town’s Kwik Save store responded to customer feedback that some women shoppers were taking too long to find their purse.

Manager Brendan TidyShoes told WalesOnCraic:

“We had a lot of complaints about our female shoppers who would take a year and a half to pack their bags and then spend another 6 months trying to find their purse. These women carry Tardis handbags where they store everything from wet wipes to unopened gas bills. We thought we’d open a new lane specifically for them so that they won’t feel pressurised by other shoppers who would usually stand around huffing and puffing.”

Visitors to the store welcomed the news. Bricklayer Jamie ArseCrack said:

“Yeah. Whatevs. I only came in for a sandwich. Do you know where the crisps are mate?”