Category Archives: News

The World Health Authority have officially declared a form of blindness that affects only males and stops them from seeing dirty dishes and full trash cans. The condition, which is yet to be named, is thought to affect 99% of men across the world. Dr Timmy FourEyes from the University of NoHope told GrumpyFuckers: “We’ve […]

The internet star known as Bill has been found dead in a hotel room in Los Angeles. The star, known for his banal posts and stickman-like appearance was found by cleaners in the early hours of this morning. The cleaner told GrumpyFuckers: “I’m over the moon. If I’d known he was in there, I would […]

A wife has found a pair of scissors in a drawer that her husband had only just looked in. Husband Terry DumbAss had searched through the drawer after his wife Debbie had asked if they were in there. Debbie told GrumpyFuckers: “I asked my asshole husband Terry if he could fetch me the pair of […]

Noisy neighbours who don’t give a fuck can be punched hard in the mouth under new United Nations rules. The news comes as the amount of noisy neighbours who don’t give a fuck reaches its highest level for decades. Director of the Department for Noisy Neighbours Who Don’t Give a Fuck, Jerry Grimgrits told GrumpyFuckers: […]

Dogs are to learn how to shake hands so that they don’t have to greet other dogs by sniffing each others’ assholes. The traditional dog greeting involves two dogs sniffing each the other’s anus and saying ‘Good morning. Is this your anus?’ Dogs will now receive training worldwide so that they can shake hands in […]

An inventor has created the world’s first mood ring that warns men that their lady’s time of the month is approaching. Jimmy Fiddlefingers is hoping to patent the product and sell it worldwide. He told GrumpyFuckers: “I have a lot of male friends who come to me in tears every few weeks because their girlfriend […]

Millions of people worldwide are silently suffering from a little-known condition that makes them grumpy, especially in the mornings. Professor FourEyes, from Harvard University, classified the condition known as GrumpyFuckeritis last year. Yet lack of funding has meant that millions of people have yet to be diagnosed. Prof FourEyes told GrumpyFuckers.com: “Mornings are particular bad […]

An international conference debating Premenstrual Syndrome (PMS) descended into violence last night after supplies of wine and chocolate ran out. The conference, held at St George’s Hall in London, was intended to find ways to make the monthly biological occurrence more bearable for both women and their partners. But following an announcement that both the […]

A Halloween party-goer has chopped off his penis after attempting to scratch his own asshole. Brian DoubleGunt, from Boston, was attending a house party dressed up as the Marvel Comics superhero Wolverine, portrayed on screen by actor Hugh Jackman. Brian had sellotaped knives to a pair of rubber gloves to recreate Wolverine’s famous retractable claws. […]

Legendary porn film ‘Debbie Does Phallus’ has been banned for portraying plumbers as people who turn up on time. The film, which features Dennis ‘ThunderRod’ Muggins as The Plumber, was made in 2010 by the now defunct Welsh porn company, Tits and Sheep. But the US and UK governments have jointly taken the unprecedented step […]

A Welsh nightclub has banned women from pouting when taking selfies to stop them looking like cockwombles. The Jurassic Park nightclub in Neath has slapped on the ban after women spent all night posing for selfies instead of buying drinks from the bar. Manager Clayton Smooth told GrumpyFuckers: “These women spend so long pouting that […]