Festive favourite Santa Claus has admitted to being a fat, judgmental bastard. Santa judges millions of small children around the world every year, leading to emotional trauma and feelings of insecurity among youngsters. Santa came clean, telling Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve been doing this shit for years and it’s only recently that I’ve realised that I’ve […]

A 40 year old woman has forgotten to take her phone on her visit to the shitter. Beverly GlumPlums resorted to reading the bottles of cleaning products under the sink after her stupid mistake. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “I always take my phone to the shitter. Every single time. Except for this time obvs. It […]

The World Day of Peace has been disrupted by a fucking alarm clock. The annual day, dedicated to peace across the globe, went tits up after a shitty alarm clock woke those observing the holiday. One observer told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve been looking forward to this day all year. It’s the only day when I […]

Appropriate Eyebrow Education is to be taught in schools for the first time from October. New directives are set to warn children about the dangers of looking like a cockwomble. A government spokeswoman said: “Ten years ago, eyebrows weren’t a problem. The one day, a beauty technician who was having a quiet week thought up […]

The government has granted new powers to police to allow them to beat the shit out of people who can’t park their cars. It follows months of pressure from motorists who can’t find a place to park because some other dickhead can’t park their own cars properly. Campaigner Debbie Moany told Grumpy Fuckers: “We are […]

A large proportion of the population would describe themselves as Coffee Sluts, according to latest figures. The rise appears to come in response to the recent rise of fuckwits and cockwombles in society. A spokesman for The Coffee Analysis Foundation said: “We’ve got Coffee Sluts left, right and centre. We’ve got Coffee Sluts all over […]

A new training regime for dogs will see dogs thanking the mugs who pick up their shit. Unlike cats who hide their turds, dogs simply empty their bowels and fuck off to sniff things like plants and stuff. Derek Dunce, director of Dog Owners R Mugs told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve had dogs all of my […]

Flat-earthers have launched a new initiative to increase their global following. Followers of the concept say that they want to increase followers in all corners of the globe. Chief flat-earther Billy Fuckwit told GrumpyFuckers: “Since Neil Armstrong went to the moon, we’ve had people leaving our ranks in their tens. Of course, all of that […]

Scientists have proved the theory that mums are right about everyf*cking thing. Children who think that they know best have been told to shut the f*ck up and listen to their mothers. One mother told Grumpyf*ckers: “I’ve been telling the little shits who live with me for 20 years now that I know best. Everything […]

A silent hairdressers has opened for grumpy fuckers who hate small talk. Grumpy Fuckers’ Hair Salon opened its doors yesterday and was overwhelmed by demand. Manager Sheila Fuckwit told Grumpy Fuckers: “We appreciate that lots of fuckers just want to come in and get their hair cut. We hate talking shit as much as the […]

World-famous coffee shop Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop has changed its name to Grumpy Fuckers Covfefe Shop in honour of Donald Trump’s now infamous tweet. Trump was reportedly halfway through a tweet when the magic mushrooms he’d taken kicked in. A spokesman for the White House said: “These are the words of a true leader. People […]

A local man has visited his local gym and forgotten to ‘check-in’ on Facebook. The dickhead, who didn’t want to be named for fear of embarrassment, visited Big Guns Gym last week. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “I still can’t get my head around the fact that I went there, did a really good workout and […]

A woman who seduced a man in a nightclub wearing her Fuck Me Shoes replaced them with her Fuck Off Slippers when she got back to her place. Frank Boner thought his luck was in after Denise Wideflaps gave him the come-on in Jurassic Park nightclub but she wanted to sleep instead. He told Grumpy […]

A 32 year old woman has faced up to the fact that being a grown up is shit. Lucy Biffon said that she’s fed up of having to do grown up things and would like to be a kid again. Please. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “When I was little, my mum told me what life […]

A woman has faked her own death to avoid having to have a romantic interlude with her husband. Jennie Dryflaps said that she was fed up of her fella rubbing his semi up against her back to turn her on. She told her local press: “When my fella and I first got together, we were […]