A 50-year-old man has avoided having emotional breakdowns throughout his life by not having any emotions. Tony Bigballs said that having no emotions made life a lot easier for him. He said: “I see friends and they’re running around like lunatics all day. They’re tired, they’re stressy and worst of all, they’re emotional. They go […]
Local police have been given emergency new powers to taser anyone who asks ‘All ready for Christmas?’ Thousands of people are expected to fall foul of the new law, which takes place with immediate effect. PC Plod of the Police Force Federation told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve been overwhelmed by the amount of people asking this […]
The emotion of happiness has been officially classified as ‘over-rated’. Over 3,000 Grumpy Fuckers were questioned about happiness, and nearly 97% said it was over-rated. One Grumpy Fucker said: “I spent my whole life chasing happiness and it was only just as I’m nearing the end of my life that I’ve realised that I was […]
Inspirational memes posted by social media users cure up to 97% of cases of depression. Social media users who post inspirational memes are often viewed as experts in curing mental health disorders. One social media user told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was down on my luck. I was really having a hard time of things and […]
World Peace Day has officially been ruined by an asshole with a lawnmower. Local residents were woken at 7.30 this morning by Jimmy Dickface, who was mowing his lawn. One resident told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was resting in bed because I’d been up late last night sitting on my husband’s face. I thought I’d be […]
Children have been voted the #1 reason why people drink themselves into oblivion. 98% of piss-heads included in a recent survey, said that their kids were the main reason they drank themselves silly. One participant said: “I get up at 6.30am every day to get stuff ready for the little fuckers. I have to drag […]
A university in London is now offering people to be a fully qualified Grumpy Fucker. The University of Farkin Larden will be offering the 3-year course from 2020. Professor Henry Scrote told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve often seen amateur Grumpy Fuckers around the world but we are now offering the chance to actually obtain some accreditation […]
An arsehole has spent an entire movie pointing out the differences between the movie and the book. Glen Shitface sat through the 2010 version of Alice in Wonderland and pointed out every single difference between that and Lewis Carroll’s book. His wife Glenda said: “I’m never going to watch a film with him again. The […]
The government is to set up a National Cockwomble register to allow authorities to keep track of their activities. Registered cockwombles will be subject to a range of restrictions, including being allowed out in the daytime and night time. A spokesman for the government told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve been calling for this register for many […]
An email sent from a woman in Australia has found a woman well in the US. Sheila Bilgepump sent an email to Cindy Leathercroth earlier this month. The email found Cindy well. Sheila told Grumpy Fuckers: “I always want my emails to find my customers well. For this very reason, I start my emails by […]
Scientists at a lab in Switzerland have concluded that drinking too much coffee can make you smell colours. Professor Hanz Cleverclogs announced his findings in a coffee shop this morning. He told awaiting members of the public. “We first started testing this theory on monkeys but they drank all the coffee and were then unable […]
Motorists across the world are preparing to drive like arseholes ahead of International Drive Like a Dickhead Day this Monday. The day allows drivers to drive like complete arseholes, angering other normal motorists. Darren Dickface of the Arsehole Drivers Association told Grumpy Fuckers: “I can’t wait! I’ve been practising my driving all week in anticipation […]
The 2019 Grumpy Fuckers Awareness week has been launched at a shitty coffee shop in Wales. This year’s Grumpy Fuckers Awareness Week takes place from 5th-11th August, and will include several days of fuckers of moping around with a face like a slapped arse. Organiser Clive Grimgrits, who also manages Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop in […]
Comedians all over the world are ready to crack their annual May the Fourth jokes. The japesters are itching to point out that May 4th sounds like something that would have been said in a Star Wars film. One comedian told Grumpy Fuckers: “I do it every year. I am soooooo funny. I get so […]
A man has filed for divorce after she hung a Live Laugh Love sign at their home. Charlie Bigbollocks said that it was the last straw after she’d also put up another sign that read ‘You’ve Got This’. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve never heard such a load of shit in my life. I can’t […]
A nightclub has banned comedy eyebrows after complaints by members of the public. The Jurassic Park nightclub introduced the ban to stop some youngsters scaring the shit out of older guests. Manager Mark Fatberg told Grumpy Fuckers: “They are pretty scary to look at to be honest and they seem to have got worse over […]
Gin coolers are to be installed in workplaces in an effort to make work more bearable. A trial at an office in Cardiff saw productivity rise by 500%, with office workers laughing and singing their way through the day. Office manager Mary Dangleberry told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’re always looking at ways to make our workplaces […]
A new Government directive will give new powers to police to clamp down on people who are too happy in the mornings. Police will soon be able to taser happy morning people straight in the face from next month. A spokesman for the Police Federation told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve all had enough of this happy-in-the-morning […]
Grumpy Fuckers all over the world are staging protests at today’s International Day of Happiness. Some grumpy fuckers are refusing to get out of bed while others are moping around with faces like slapped arses in protest of the day. Clive Grimgrits, who runs Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop said: “What a shower of shit. We […]
A woman has burnt 600 calories talking about her new diet. Weightwatcher Gladys Thunderbuns said that the new diet replaces the old diet that she was doing last week. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “Last week’s diet was rubbish. I was on it three days and only lost half an ounce. This new diet is wonderful. […]