Police have been given new powers to taser people who whistle no tune in particular. People who whistle nothing in particular have become one of the world’s most annoying fuckers. A spokesman for the police force told Grumpy Fuckers: “These people are the scum of the earth. They go about their day, whistling any old […]
A man has taken up wearing glasses so that people start taking him seriously. Danny Dickwad was largely ignored until he donned a pair of spectacles. Now people listen to what he has to say. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “I used to go into work and sit at my desk. All day long, I’d try […]
It’s that time of year again when we are on the hunt for the Grumpy Fucker of the Year. It could be your husband. It could be your wife. If could be your dog or it even be you! Here’s what you need to do: 1. Fill in the form below. 2. That’s it!! Closing […]
Nature boffins have discovered that woodpeckers only peck trees because they hate them. One woodpecker told Grumpy Fuckers that he hated trees so much that he just ‘wanted to hammer the shit out of them.’ He said: “I’m just an angry bird as it were. I fucking hate trees. They just stand around looking all […]
A woman who couldn’t stop buying cushions has been freed from her home by the Fire Service. Gaynor BonkEye has been buying cushions every day for nearly twenty years. Things came to a head over the weekend when she realised she couldn’t reach her front door. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was a twenty-a-day girl. […]
Scientists have conclusively proved that coffee eases the pain of being awake. The study included plying coffee to over 1,000 grumpy fuckers over a three day period. Professor Frankie Cleverclogs told Grumpy Fuckers: “We studied this subject over many years and our results are particularly striking. We found over 1,000 grumpy fuckers on public transport […]
Cardiff’s first Psychic Festival has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances. The festival was due to be held at Cardiff Bay in May but organisers are now considering postponing it until next year. Mystic Maggie, the festival’s director told Grumpy Fuckers: “We was hoping to have lots of mystic people here but sadly, that’s not […]
A lazy fucker has been forced to tilt his tube of Pringles after finding that his hands were too fat to fit into the container. Jamie ‘Wibbly Wobbly’ Webly, 32, was eating his Pringles while watching a replay of the A-Team on telly. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve been eating Pringles for many years now […]
Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Monday 28th January. The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day. One grumpy fucker said: “Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day […]
A woman has accidentally bought herself a new pair of shoes after leaning on her phone. Thelma BendyLegs sat on her phone while watching Friends on telly – and happened to accidentally input all of her 16 credit card numbers, her expiry date and her security number – all in the correct order. She told […]
Scientists in the UK have proven that coffee makes people do stupid things faster and more energy. Prof. Gordon Bumlick made the announcement at a hastily-arranged press conference in a hotel car park. He told the waiting audience: “We’ve done this quick kind of experiment and we’ve proven something that we think we all know. […]
Police have been given emergency new powers to shoot anyone who asks ‘All ready for Christmas?’ Thousands of people are expected to fall foul of the new law, which takes place with immediate effect. PC Plod of the Police Force Federation told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve been overwhelmed by the amount of people asking this question […]
A 17 year old girl has vanished after using moisturiser that makes its users look 20 years younger. Betty Bumflaps applied the moisturiser on Saturday and hasn’t been seen since. A spokesman for the local police said: “We’ve looked high and low for Betty but she seems to have disappeared off the face of the […]
Queues have been forming all over the country as dickheads return the shit they bought on Black Friday. Shops had been selling shit that they hadn’t been able to move all year on Black Friday. One shop manager told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve had these shitty Chinese TVs out the back and I haven’t been able […]
Scientists have shown that dogs take at least 25 minutes to find the perfect place to shit. Unlike humans, who just drop their guts at the nearest WC, dogs need a particular place to lay a cable. Brian CleverClogs who headed up the investigation told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve been studying these dogs over a period […]
Motorists all over the world are bracing themselves for International Dickhead Driver Day. Dickhead drivers all over the world will be tail-gating, cutting people up and pulling out in front of other people. One motorist told Grumpy Fuckers: “I can’t wait. I drive like a dickhead all the time and I can’t wait to be […]
A university has finally proven that women don’t fart – they shoot tiny puffs of glitter that sound like unicorn’s laughter and smell like rainbows. Women’s farts have been the subject of debate since Shirley Bassey accidentally let one rip during a live performance at the Royal Variety Show. Spokesperson for Farting Women told Grumpy […]
A woman has told Grumpy Fuckers that she felt ‘gutted’ when she recently discovered that a Facebook notification was nothing more than a Candy Crush request from an irrelevant person. Sandy WideFace received the Facebook notification overnight. She clicked on it as soon as she woke up, thinking that someone had commented on a photo […]
A new camouflage clothing shop that has opened has gone unnoticed by local shoppers. ‘Now U See Us, Now U Don’t’ opened its doors two months ago but is yet to receive its first customer. Manager Michael Sneak told Grumpy Fuckers: “It’s pretty gutting that we’ve had no one come in yet. We’ve got loads […]
A porn film has been banned for portraying plumbers as people who turn up on time. The film, which features Dennis ‘ThunderRod’ Muggins as The Plumber, was made in 2010 by the now defunct Welsh porn company, Tits and Sheep. But the UK government has taken the unprecedented step of banning the film, as it […]