Author Archives: Royston Butterscotch

Rescue workers recover 643 bodies after 2-seater plane crashes into cemetery

Rescue workers have recovered 643 bodies after a 2-seater plane crashed into a cemetery. The Cessna aircraft hit a Chinese lantern and crashed. Rescue workers cordoned off the cemetery where the plane came down and are still recovering bodies. Rescue worker Glynne ThickHead said: “I was eating my tea when I heard the crash. We […]

Police given new powers to beat holy shit out of motorists who don’t indicate

Police are to be given new powers to beat the shit out of motorists who don’t indicate. The Government announced the new measures to cut down on the amount of arseholes who think that every other motorist knows where they are intending to go. Government spokeswoman Tina Tightarse told Grumpy Fuckers: “They’ve facking dickheads. They […]

Men to get free evening classes to learn how to put things back once they’ve used them

Men are set to get free evening classes so they can learn how to put things back where they belong after they’ve used them. The Government has announced the measures for men who struggle to put things back and then get stressed when they can’t find them the next time they need them, leading to […]

Refuse lorries ‘swore and threatened pedestrians’ while reversing

A council has been left red-faced after the vehicle reverse alarm on several of its refuse collecting lorries swore at and threatened pedestrians. Five lorries told shoppers to ‘Get out of the way you fat bastard. I’ll break your legs. Get out of the way you fat bastard. I’ll break your legs,” when put into […]

4 out of 5 teenagers think safe sex ‘involves having a handrail around the bed’

80% of teenagers think that ‘safe sex involves having a handrail around the bed’. That’s just one of the shocking statistics thrown up in a recent survey into the attitudes to sex from teenagers. The survey also found that: • 47% thought that rimming involved running a wet finger along the top of a milk […]

Shoppers left speechless by woman ‘ready to pay at supermarket checkout’

A female woman has left shoppers speechless after she had her ‘purse out ready to pay’ at a supermarket checkout. Onlookers were stunned when the mystery woman was immediately ready to pay for 6 donuts and a packet of toilet rolls after the checkout girl had scanned them through at a Kwik Save store. Usual […]

Woman jailed after performing ‘DIY colonic irrigations with Mr Muscle Sink Unblocker and plunger’

A woman who was performing DIY colonic irrigation with liquid sink unblocker and a plunger in her kitchen, has been jailed for three days. Wendy Shitehouse, who was offering her own unique colonic irrigation using Mr Muscle sink unblocker, was sentenced after the court heard that she was offering a ‘full clear out for a […]

Helpline opens to help women addicted to buying cushions

A telephone helpline has been set up for women who are obsessed with purchasing cushions. Cushions Anonymous will allow women to call in confidence to talk about their addiction to buying soft furnishings. The line will also allow husbands who take second place to cushions in a marriage to call in. Manager Lesley Spreadlegs told […]

Man lives dangerously by attempting to talk to wife before her morning coffee

A man has risked having his bollocks ripped off by trying to talk to his wife before she’s had her morning coffee. Richard Dunce attempted to converse with his wife about his job before wife Glenda had taken a sip of her coffee. Glenda told Grumpy Fuckers: “I couldn’t quite believe what was happening. I […]

Woman keeps sadness inside after receiving haircut that she didn’t like

A woman has kept her sadness to herself after receiving a haircut that she didn’t like. Even though Annabel Arsewipe told her hairdresser that she loved her new perm, she ended up looking like Phil Spector and was afraid to say anything. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was in that chair for over three hours. […]

Grab yourself a coffee – International Grumpy Fucker Day 2018 is Friday 2nd November!

International-Grumpy-Fucker-Day-2018

Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Friday 2nd November. Fuckers all over the globe have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day. One grumpy fucker said: “Every day is International […]