Men are to receive free evening classes to help them decipher women’s non-verbal cues. The announcement was made today by some guy from the government. He told GrumpyFuckers: “Us lads have no idea what women mean when they say stuff. Last night, my missis told me that I was a fat, overpaid twat. I found […]
Author Archives: Royston Butterscotch
21
Feb
Feb
Grumpy fuckers from all over the world are preparing for the first-ever worldwide International Grumpy Fuckers Day. Monday 28th February will see grumpy fuckers from all over the world moaning about how shit their lives are like they do on any other day. Organiser Clive GrimGrits, who runs Grumpy Fuckers’ Coffee Shop, told Grumpy Fuckers: […]
Supermarkets have started selling phallic vegetables to bored housewives under the guide of ‘wonky vegetable boxes’. Sales of so-called ‘wonky boxes’, which are made up of the shit vegetables that no-one really wants, have risen dramatically since their launch last week. Store manager Tony Grimm told GrumpyFuckers: “We’re pretending that we’re cutting down on food […]
18
Feb
Feb
A British man has broken the world record for using the most amount of kitchen utensils and saucepans to make one boiled egg. Stanley Undergroin used 15 spoons, 9 knives, 6 forks, 3 spatulas, 17 different saucepans – and everything else he could lay his hands on to cook the egg. His wife Mildred told […]
News, Relationships
Wife who told husband not to buy anything for her birthday disappointed that husband didn’t buy anything for her birthday
15
Feb
Feb
A woman who specifically told her husband not to buy her anything for her birthday has told of her disappointment that her husband didn’t buy her anything for her birthday. Joan ‘Joan’ Strumpet, 39, told her husband not to spend any money on her birthday but to put it towards a holiday. Husband Dean didn’t […]
A man is in hospital after he tried rowing his rowing machine across a lake. Gordon Fuckwit took his BodyMax R50 rowing machine out onto the water last night. He managed to get just 35 meters before the machine sank. Fuckwit was taken to hospital suffering mild drowning. He told GrumpyFuckers: “My wife keeps telling […]
People moaning about being single on Valentine’s Day has come out as the top reason why people are single on Valentine’s Day. The recent survey also found that Valentine’s Day is no different than any other day of the life of singletons. Professor CockJockey who led the survey, told GrumpyFuckers: “It’s a well-known fact that […]
A woman has mistaken a bag of organic vegetables for a bag of jam donuts at a local supermarket. Jenny ‘Wobbly’ Webbly picked up the bag of donuts in error at her local Kwik Save store. She had been intending to pick up a bag of mixed organic vegetables. Jenny told GrumpyFuckers: “I really don’t […]
The World Health Authority have officially declared a form of blindness that affects only males and stops them from seeing dirty dishes and full trash cans. The condition, which is yet to be named, is thought to affect 99% of men across the world. Dr Timmy FourEyes from the University of NoHope told GrumpyFuckers: “We’ve […]
02
Feb
Feb
A recent survey by some asshole in a University has concluded that 97% of kids’ TV show creators were high on hardcore drugs when they wrote their shows. Prof. Brian BigHead from the University of SadFucks carried out his study last month. He told GrumpyFuckers: “The idea behind the study came to me when I […]
The internet star known as Bill has been found dead in a hotel room in Los Angeles. The star, known for his banal posts and stickman-like appearance was found by cleaners in the early hours of this morning. The cleaner told GrumpyFuckers: “I’m over the moon. If I’d known he was in there, I would […]
A man who put a small block of wood in his garage in 1982 ‘because it might come in handy in the future’ has used it to prop up a set of drawers, 33 years later. Gary Slowcoach, 52, put the small block of wood in his garage after finding it outside his house. Despite […]
A wife has found a pair of scissors in a drawer that her husband had only just looked in. Husband Terry DumbAss had searched through the drawer after his wife Debbie had asked if they were in there. Debbie told GrumpyFuckers: “I asked my asshole husband Terry if he could fetch me the pair of […]
05
Jan
Jan
13 signs that you’re a Grumpy Fucker View more lists from Grumpy Fuckers
Noisy neighbours who don’t give a fuck can be punched hard in the mouth under new United Nations rules. The news comes as the amount of noisy neighbours who don’t give a fuck reaches its highest level for decades. Director of the Department for Noisy Neighbours Who Don’t Give a Fuck, Jerry Grimgrits told GrumpyFuckers: […]
Dogs are to learn how to shake hands so that they don’t have to greet other dogs by sniffing each others’ assholes. The traditional dog greeting involves two dogs sniffing each the other’s anus and saying ‘Good morning. Is this your anus?’ Dogs will now receive training worldwide so that they can shake hands in […]
20
Sep
Sep
The United Nations has passed legislation that will allow motorists worldwide to stop their cars and punch tailgaters in the throat. The news comes as world leaders look for a solution to stop assholes driving up other peoples’ assholes. A United Nations spokesperson told GrumpyFuckers: “Even as I was driving into work this morning, I […]
An inventor has created the world’s first mood ring that warns men that their lady’s time of the month is approaching. Jimmy Fiddlefingers is hoping to patent the product and sell it worldwide. He told GrumpyFuckers: “I have a lot of male friends who come to me in tears every few weeks because their girlfriend […]
Millions of people worldwide are silently suffering from a little-known condition that makes them grumpy, especially in the mornings. Professor FourEyes, from Harvard University, classified the condition known as GrumpyFuckeritis last year. Yet lack of funding has meant that millions of people have yet to be diagnosed. Prof FourEyes told GrumpyFuckers.com: “Mornings are particular bad […]
An international conference debating Premenstrual Syndrome (PMS) descended into violence last night after supplies of wine and chocolate ran out. The conference, held at St George’s Hall in London, was intended to find ways to make the monthly biological occurrence more bearable for both women and their partners. But following an announcement that both the […]