A woman has faked her own death to avoid having to have a romantic interlude with her husband.
Jennie Dryflaps said that she was fed up of her fella rubbing his semi up against her back to turn her on.
She told her local press:
“When my fella and I first got together, we were at it all over the place, all the time. We were tied at the groins – nothing could stop us getting it on. We’d do it at home, in the car, in the shopping mall – even in church. Then we got married and that was the end of that. Recently, he’s taken to rubbing his half-chubby up against my back in a bid to turn me on but it’s making me feel physically sick. He doesn’t even speak to me – he just rubs it all over like he’s painting my back with it. Yesterday morning, I’d had enough so I pretended I was dead. After two hours, he realised that I wasn’t responding and called an ambulance. They carted me off and once I was in the back of the ambulance, I was able to sit up and have a cup of tea. I phoned home an hour later, pretending that I was doctor, and telling him that I’d died. He took it pretty well. I’ve now booked a flight to Mexico where I can get some Mexican hunk to ravage me on the beach.”
Jennie said that faking her own death was worth it:
“At least I won’t have to deal with that every morning from now on.”
A local company has officially advertised a paid position of Office Arsehole.
The company has been inundated with applications from arseholes all over the country.
Jimmy FudgeFingers who placed the advert said:
“Every office has an arsehole, some more than others. We thought we’d embrace this wonderful diversity that Office Arseholes bring to the world of commerce. Duties include bringing food into the office each lunchtime, filling the fridge with loads of their own food and taking credit for someone else’s work. We also fully expect them to hit ‘Reply To All’ when they receive a company email and also to leave dirty cups and dishes around the place for other people to pick up. Being an Office Arsehole is a very important job and we are delighted to see the response we’ve had from our advert. Sadly, we lost our Office Arsehole last week when he ran off with all our takings.”
Applicant Andy Arsehole said:
“I like to bring fish or curry into work and cook it on site. I also like to steal other people’s milk from the fridge. I’m very clever and take from a different bottle each times so that I never get noticed. I’m a professional arsehole.”
A man who has spent his entire life paying bills has died.
Clarence Dullard started paying his bills when he was just 16 years and spent the following 71 years paying them.
Daughter Molly said:
“Dad spent his entire life paying bills but sadly after paying them for 71 years, he died. We were watching telly. He just kind of pulled a face and that was it – he was gone. I look back over his 71 years of him paying his bills and wonder if he’d have had more fun if he’d said ‘Fuck it’, bought a camper van and went to see the world. History has a funny way of repeating itself too as I’ve been paying bills now for nearly 26 years and I’ll probably end up the same way as Dad did.”
Clarence was buried on Monday but has left one final bill for his lazy daughter to pay – his funeral fees.
“Sadly, Dad forgot to pay in advance for his funeral. He wanted dancing naked ladies and all sorts there. What he failed to tell me was that I’d be paying for it.”
After 85 years of living on earth, an old wise man has concluded that everyone on the planet is a cockwomble.
Sanjay Grumpydrawers says that his conclusion is based on decades of research of the human race.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I’ve been around long enough to know what’s what. Ever since I was little boy, I began studying the human race and how they interacted with one another. It started with my parents. My dad was a right cockwomble and my mum wasn’t much better. I went to school and got bullied. Loads of cockwombles there. I got a job. Place was full of cockwombles. Moved to the city. Couldn’t move for cockwombles. Decided to become a hermit and live in a cave. Got myself a dog. He shat in my cave and fucked off. Another cockwomble. The world is full of cockwombles. Everywhere you look, there are millions of cockwombles and to be quite honest, I’ve had enough of it.”
Sanjay’s teachings are to be documented in a new TV show called ‘Everyone’s A Cockwomble’ which will be aired next year.
The total number of minutes that mums get to themselves has been totted up by someone very clever.
They’ve concluded that the amount of minutes that mums get to themselves in any given day is ‘fuck all’.
Peter ‘Pied’ Piper who made the findings said:
“We tried to speak to mums to get some feedback on how many minutes in a day that they get to themselves. On several occasions, we were kept waiting while the mums were sorting their kids out. On many occasions, we had to abandon the interviews because the kids kept interrupting everything. We spoke to some mums who told us that we’d have to speak to them later by phone as they had to be at soft play and despite several calls put in, we never actually got to speak to the mums. Everything considered, we concluded that the amount of actual minutes that mums get to themselves every day is what we call ‘fuck all’. It’s a technical term.”
We asked one mother what her thoughts were on the findings but she said that she had to go because she was late for feeding her little one.
A recent study has proven that being unique has no benefit to anyone.
The study by the University of FackAll proved conclusively that being unique doesn’t mean that you’re useful.
Prof. Brian CleverClogs who ran the study said:
“People go around thinking that they’re God’s gift to the world. The truth of the matter is, most of us are dispensable. Being unique means Jack Shit. It’s of no use to anyone so if anyone approaches you and tells you that they’re special, either punch them in the face or refer them to my study. If someone comes up to you and says that they work really hard, remind them that washing machines do too. Being unique is of no benefit to anyone.”
Lloyd Gunt who took part in the study said:
“I always thought that I was very special but I realise now that I’m not. I think I’ll spend the rest of my life in my bedroom, away from people.”
A man has been dragged from his own home after putting his phone into Airplane Mode.
Brian Wetcleft was trying out his new phone when police burst into his house and dragged him from his armchair.
Speaking from hospital, Brian told local reporters:
“I’d been very excited about my new phone as I’d never had one before. I made myself a cup of tea and turned my new phone on to see what it did. There were a few things that I wasn’t quite sure about and one of them was the Airplane Mode. Firstly, I couldn’t understand why it didn’t say Aeroplane Mode and then I wondered what happened if I pressed it. I thought my armchair might sprout a pair of wings or something. What I wasn’t expecting was a large group of armed police crashing through my window and dragging me from my chair. They dragged me out of the house and down the street where a few of the boys saw what was going on and tried to stop them. At one point, I was being pulled like Stretch Armstrong and I realise now that I’m about 1 foot taller than I was this morning. The police gave no explanation as to why they dragged me from the house but I did hear one of them mutter that I was overbooked.”
The police have given no formal response to this story, probably because we just made it all up.
“I’m hoping to get home soon and finish off that cup of tea,” said Brian. “I hate it when I don’t finish off a cup of tea. I feel incomplete.”
A large percentage of the population’s happiness derives directly from gloating in other people’s misfortunes.
The figure, published in a recent study, is an indicator that most people get on other people’s tits.
Jessica Fuckwit who took part in the survey said:
“I went through my entire teenage years being a spotty, messy freak. Most of the other girls were beautiful and my mum kept telling me that my day would come. Twenty years later and all the beautiful girls that were in my class are now decrepit grandmothers while I am in full blossom. Seeing these girls moaning on Facebook about how many more fellas are going to leave them, or the fact that they’re being turfed out of my house is music to my ears. My mum was right all along because most mums are.”
Gary Gunt who also took part in the study said:
“Seeing other people having bad luck makes me feel better about my shitty life. Only yesterday, I saw a guy trip over a dog, smack his face on a lamp post and then get run over by a passing street cleaning machine. Oh how I laughed.”
It’s here again- that’s right – the World’s Grumpiest Fucker Competition.
This year’s competition is called the Grumpiest Fucker of the Year Competition 2017 to reflect that actual year that we are in.
We’re also looking for the world’s grumpiest fucker, hence the title.
Do you know someone who mopes around the place with a face like a slapped arse? Do you live with someone who lingers around the place like a bad fart? Are you married to someone who moans about any old shit they can think of? Then you need to nominate them. Right here, right now.
All you need to do is fill in the form below, explaining why you think this asshole is the world’s grumpiest fucker.
Winners will receive an exclusive mug T-shirt and a mug so if they’re a fat fucker, remember to specify a size for the T-shirt.
83% of the world’s dog population bark just to be annoying little bastards.
That’s the startling conclusion into a recent study into why the little shits make so much noise.
Professor Danny Dogger who headed up the survey said:
“We spoke to over 450 dogs and asked them the same question – Why do you bark? In over 83% of cases, the dogs replied that they bark just to be annoying little bastards. Some dogs said that they only barked to piss their owners off and some also said that they barked to annoy neighbours. What we are seeing here is a large-scale attempt by our canine friends to be annoying fuckers, and this will help us going forward in finding ways to stop them being so noisy.”
One dog said:
“Yeah man. I just bark to piss my owners off. I usually like barking when their favourite TV show comes on. I’ll bark until they tell me to stop and when they do, I bark even more. I also like to bark when they’re trying to get their jig on. There’s nothing funnier than seeing my owner trying to get his end away while trying to stop me from barking at the same time.”
The World Health Association has officially classed coffee withdrawal symptoms as a medical condition.
Depresso is experienced when an individual is exposed to lack of coffee. Sufferers experience anything from headaches to committing homicide.
A very important spokesperson said:
“This condition has been around for a long, long time but it’s only now that we’ve gotten off our arses and officially classified it. We called it Depresso because we thought that sounded clever. Individuals who are exposed to lack of coffee can suffer incredibly. We often see sufferers lash out at other individuals or inanimate objects. The only way that it can be controlled is to reintroduce coffee into the bloodstream. We are working closely with hospitals so that those who have acute symptoms can be put on a drip and receive their coffee intravenously. Depresso cannot be passed from person to person but we have seen a very large increase in reported cases since we officially classified it.”
One sufferer said:
“I went one day without coffee and I ended up punching a local priest in the face. That’s the kind of thing you do when suffering from Depresso.
Easter Egg Hunts across the country are proving that kids can find things when they really, really want to.
Children often have problems locating clean clothes, the things that they were sent upstairs to fetch, as well as inner calm.
Frank ‘Humpty’ EggHead, who runs local Egg Hunts said:
“I’m sure that this is something that’s played out across the country. But chuck in a few bits of chocolate and maybe some toys and these kids can sniff them out from 3 miles. At one recent event, we even encased some treats inside some lead and buried underground. Even Superman couldn’t find them, but sure as fuck, these kids found them and ate them inside ten minutes. Back at home, I ask them where their dirty school uniform is so that it can be washed, and they can’t find a thing. Send them upstairs to fetch my reading glasses – can’t find them. Ask them to simmer down and find some inner calm – bullshit. Their talent soon deserts them.”
One parent added:
“I sent my daughter outside to find my phone as I’d last used it when I was outside gardening. She couldn’t find my phone but she did find her way to the local supermarket and bought herself a shitload of sweets and candy.”
37% of all men grow beards to cover up their pig-ugly faces.
The recent study showed that ugly men would grow their beards all over their faces if they could.
Kevin LardArse who ran the study said:
“The recent rise of the hipster look has given men the ideal opportunity to cover up their face if they themselves deemed them ugly. Previously, we used to see lads walking around with cardboard boxes on their heads but not so much these days. The hipster beard means that these boys can still show their faces in public and even attempt to try and chat others up- all without the need for a cardboard box. Our figures showed that 37% of men across the world only grew their beard so that they don’t look so bad. We were also surprised at how ugly some of the men were when they shaved their beards off.”
One participant in the study said that he had another reason for growing a beard:
“My chin looks like a pair of large buttocks so I was more than happy when the hipster beard look came along. I can walk to the shops now without looking as if I’ve got a massive arse hanging off my face.”
The other 63% questions said that they grew their beards because they look dashingly handsome with them.
People who work and live in London have been voted the Grumpiest Fuckers in the UK.
Londoners, more commonly known as Laaaardernuz in their local tongue, were installed as the Grumpiest Fuckers in the UK by everyone outside of London.
Gareth ThunderGunt, who headed up the survey said:
“The UK has a wide variety of Grumpy Fuckers. Last year’s winners were the Scottish who always seem particularly miserable. That may be down to the fact that they never get any sun and that they always have midges flying around the place. But the Scottish are a lovely race and this year, their Grumpy title was well and truly snatched from them by Londoners. For anyone who has every visited the city, you can tell that they’re a true Londoner because they’ll have a face like a slapped arse and won’t speak to you. Londoners polled over 75% of the vote this year, which is a record for us.”
London commuters were particularly grumpy, presumably because they don’t get to see any of the natural world on their 10 hour journeys to and from work.
A man who was told to go and reach for the stars has spent three hours waving his hands around pointlessly.
Charlie Fuckwit was given the inspirational speech by a life coach he’d paid handsomely.
“I paid her a lot of money. She listened to all my problems and made me feel very special. I felt that she really cared about me. She told me to step outside of her large mansion, to get a grip, and to reach for the stars. Her speech filled me with positive vibes. I got straight on my bike and headed down to the nearest hill, just as dusk was approaching. I looked up at the majesty of the night sky. I recalled her words about how small I was and that I had to reach for the stars. I lifted my arms and reached.”
Charlie was somewhat disappointed though.
“After a several hours, I realised that they were billions of light years away and even with Inspector Gadget arms, I was never going to reach the stars. On reflection, I just stood there pointlessly waving my arms around like a cockwomble. I gained nothing from my experience, except for the idea that I’m going to become a life coach, take shitloads of money off people and tell them to go reach for the stars.”
A man with a metal detector has spent an afternoon looking for the meaning of life.
Billy NoMates came away empty-handed from his pointless activity.
He told Grumpy Fuckers:
“I had this thing for Christmas several years back and I never used it because I thought it was shit. But then last week, I was going to go out with my mates before realising that I didn’t have any. Instead, I got my metal detector out and headed out into some fields. I was there for about 2 hours and found nothing. Then I realised that I hadn’t turned the machine on. I turned it on and looked for another 2 hours. I still didn’t find anything. I spent the rest of the afternoon seeking the meaning of my life. Still didn’t find anything thought.”
Billy went home and ordered himself a pizza instead.
“I won’t be going out again. I looked a right cockwomble. If only I’d discovered a horde of hidden treasure – I’d be on the first plane to somewhere else.”
A woman has painted a smile onto her face to help her get through her shitty day.
Debbie FatArse says that it saves her the effort of pretending to be ok with things.
She told Grumpy Fuckers:
“My day’s hard enough without other dickheads making it worse. I always get told to cheer the fuck up when I’m in work and I really can’t be arsed to smile fake smiles. I thought it’d be a lot easier just to paint a happy face on my miserable face and then I can get through my shitty day without exerting myself too much. It’s worked wonders over the last few days as I haven’t had to speak to anyone because they think I’m a happy bastard. I wash my happy face off at night so that I can be a miserable bastard naturally at home.”
Co-workers have been amazed at Debbie’s overnight transformation. One said:
“She looks so happy these days. Either she’s getting a good seeing to every night or she’s on some kind of medication. Either way, I want what she’s having.”
Former internet celebrity Bill the Stickman is being lined up to feature in the next season of Celebrity Big Brother.
Bill took the internet by storm in 2016 before everyone got fucked off with him and put out a contract for his demise. Bill went to ground and hasn’t been seen since.
However, his agent can exclusively reveal to Grumpy Fuckers that he’ll be appearing in the reality TV show.
“Bill’s be laying low for a while but he thinks it’s time to get back out into the real world. He still feels for his safety but is hoping that he can redeem himself via the medium of TV. If he can get his real personality across to the viewer, we think we might be able to save him. He’s currently a broken man – he needs this chance to show people what he’s really like.”
Celebrity Big Brother producer Buck Smiley said:
“We’re always on the lookout for washed up celebrities and Bill the Stickman really fits the bill. He’s not liked, has nothing going for him and he’s disposable. Just the sort of ‘celebrity’ we like to have on here. We look forward to watching his life collapse around him on live TV.”
The word ‘good’ has been officially banned from the popular phrase ‘Have a good day’.
Government sources say that it more accurately reflects life in today’s modern world.
A spokeswoman said:
“I think it’s about time that we took a reality check and realised that the word ‘good’ doesn’t really add anything to our days. In fact, we are just deluding ourselves to the fact that we wake up each morning and think that today is going to be better than yesterday. We therefore decided to remove the word ‘good’ from the phrase ‘have a good day’ so that it more accurately portrays today’s life. Anyone caught saying ‘Have a good day’ will be put in prison for 37 or years or deported. We’d like to encourage people to use the new phrase of ‘Have a day’.”
One Grumpy Fucker said:
“This is one thing I can agree with the government on. I don’t have good days – just days. The new ban is therefore something I wholeheartedly agree with.”