Offices across the country are to introduce Prosecco coolers to keep their workers happy. The drive is aimed at decreasing the number of grumpy fuckers who work in offices. Campaigner Kayne EastbyNortheast told Grumpy Fuckers: “We are aiming to have a Prosecco cooler in every office by the year 2020. Employers would see a significant […]
Author Archives: Royston Butterscotch
Taking your bra off after a long day is the best feeling in the world has been declared the best feeling in the world this year. Setting the puppies free has also been ranked ‘Best Feeling of 2018’ by women. A spokeswoman from the Institute of Feelings and Emotions told Grumpy Fuckers: “There have been […]
17
Oct
Oct
If you woke up this morning, happy that you were alive and that a new day is a new start – think again. That’s because it’s International Neg Head Day, the day where all the doom-and-gloomers come out and shit all over any little piece of happiness you have. Organiser Jimmy LardArse told Grumpy Fuckers: […]
Doctors receptionists have claimed the title of this year’s Grumpiest Fuckers in the World. It means that they have successfully defended the crown they won last year. Gloria Grumpydrawers, Treasurer of the Grumpy Doctors Receptionists Guild said: “We are delighted to have won this title for a second time. We undergo a lot of training […]
12
Oct
Oct
You might be a stunner but chances are, you’re probably not happy. Scientists have proven the despite their good looks, beautiful people are often the grumpiest fuckers on earth. Professor BoggleEyes of Fuckwit University told Grumpy Fuckers: “You think they’ve got everything because they’ve got the looks. But oh no. Far from it. We asked […]
10
Oct
Oct
People all over the world are being urged to Hug a Grumpy Fucker in the world’s first International Hug A Grumpy Fucker Day. The day is aimed at giving grumpy people some attention and cheering the fuckers up. Organiser Clive Grimgrits told Grumpy Fuckers: “I get to do fuck all every day so I thought […]
A court has heard that a Grumpy Fucker told an overly happy man to ‘fuck off’ before proceeding to punch him in the bollocks. Gerald Grizzle said that he acted in self-defence after the happy man became too fucking annoying. Victim Tim Sparkles told police: “I’m such a happy-go-lucky chap. The world is a beautiful […]
01
Oct
Oct
People who continually post bullshit so-called motivational posts can fuck right off, according to a new charity. The Grumpy Fuckers Veterans Society said that those who spend days posting motivational bullshit never really achieve anything in life themselves. A spokeswoman for the group said: “I see it all the time on social media. These fuckers […]
01
Oct
Oct
Sarcasm has overtaken the English language to become the most popular language among over-40s. The new figures show a correlation between an increasing general disappointment in life and increasing usage of sarcasm as a first language. Professor Greypants of Noname University told Grumpy Fuckers: “We have found a startling connection between increased age and the […]
A woman has been thrown out of a coffee shop after she asked for a decaf Americano. Lisa Largethighs was thrown out of Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop early yesterday morning. Shop manager Clive Grimgrits told Grumpy Fuckers: “We get all kinds of arseholes coming in here and every single one of them is grumpy as […]
30
Sep
Sep
Scientists have discovered that cats secretly tell their owners to go fuck themselves – in some cases up to 50 times a day. The boffins found that whereas dogs need constant attention, cats are quite happy for everyone to fuck off. Professor Shinyshoes told Grumpy Fuckers: “We have always considered cats as members of our […]
A woman has filed for divorce after 30 years of marriage after finding traces of butter in her jam. Ethel Leathercrotch said she’d been putting up with that butter-in-the-jam shit for too long and she’d had enough. Husband Terry told Grumpy Fuckers: “She went absolutely apeshit. I’ve been making her toast and jam every morning […]
A popular nightclub has closed its doors ‘for the foreseeable future’ after it was feared that the venue was attracting a dangerously high proportion of munters. The club’s Facebook page informed visitors that the iconic nightclub was closing because there were too many ugly fuckers patronising the venue. Club-goer Dean Snitch told Grumpy Fuckers: “I […]
29
Sep
Sep
The 2018 Grumpy Fuckers Awareness week has been launched at a shitty coffee shop in Wales. This year’s Grumpy Fuckers Awareness Week takes place from 15th-21st October, and will include several days of fuckers of moping around with a face like a slapped arse. Organiser Clive Grimgrits, who also manages Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop in […]
A reported sighting of a clown has been dismissed by police as a girl in heavy makeup. The ‘clown’ was spotted heading out of a local pie shop and heading into the local cake shop while eating a kebab. An eyewitness said: “I shat myself. This thing was coming towards me eating a kebab and […]
26
Sep
Sep
A woman has fallen out with her family in November in a bid to prepare herself early for Christmas. Glenda Wideflaps phoned her parents and siblings last night to call then ‘selfish cockwombles’ to start her festive fisticuffs. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “I always tend to leave things to the last minute so I thought […]
A terrier has saved his owner from the murder by 13 postmen, 46 bin men and 103 cyclists in the last week with just his barking. Rufus has scared away would-be murderers from the house with his yapping and hollering. Owner Chris SmellyHouse told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’m so glad I bought him. I would have […]
A telephone helpline has been set up for women who are obsessed with purchasing cushions. Cushions Anonymous will allow women to call in confidence to talk about their addiction to buying soft furnishings. The line will also allow husbands who take second place to cushions in a marriage to call in. Manager Lesley Spreadlegs told […]
A walker has been taken to hospital with shock after a cyclist thanked them for moving out of their way. The incident happened on the popular Taff Trail in Cardiff. The walker is said to be in a stable condition. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was walking to work down the Taff Trail as I […]
19
Sep
Sep
An assertiveness charity is hoping to cash in on traditional October events by running a new campaign called FuckOfftober. The campaign hopes to give more people the confidence to say ‘Fuck Off’ when someone is boring them shitless. Campaign manager Tracy SmoothCalves told Grumpy Fuckers: “There are so many boring people in the world and […]