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Coffee shop opens for non-morning people

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A coffee shop has opened in Cardiff for people who hate mornings.

Grumpy Fuckers’ Coffee Shop opened its door yesterday and was overwhelmed by demand.

Manager Clive GrimGrits told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I had to get up at 5am to get the bastard shop open. I hated it. Most people are still sleeping at that time. We opened the shop at 6am and by 7am, we’d already sold out of ‘Fuck You Frappuccinos’ as well as our ‘Piss Poor Tea’. Every fucker who came in had a face on them like a slapped arse so I closed the shop at 8am so I could go home and get some proper sleep like most people do.”

One customer said that she would visit the coffee shop again, despite everyone bumping into each other and not saying a word.

“It was perfect for me. I could just sit there, thinking how shit my life is and how I hated going to work. The guy next to me was asking whether they did any cooked breakfasts but the manager told him to fuck off and get a life. Everyone was grumpy, which was fine because we were all grumpy together.”

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Husband divorces wife after discovering she irons their socks

A husband has filed for divorce after finding out that his wife has been ironing their socks.

Eric Bigballs said that he would never have married his wife Natalie had he known she ironed the socks.

He told Grumpy Fuckers:

“Our socks were always immaculately crease-free and I don’t know why I ever noticed it. I happened to come downstairs one morning and found her ironing the frigging things. I didn’t know where to look. The shame of it. I couldn’t look her in the eye. I went straight out and talked to my lawyer about it. I filed for divorce there and then. I’ll be moving out in the next day or so and I won’t be stepping back into that house. Hopefully, she can meet someone new and they can iron socks together. While listening to Kenny G or something.”

Wife Natalie says she couldn’t give a shit about her husband leaving her.

“He can go fuck himself,” she said.

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Scientists discover ‘dessert stomach’ that allows you to eat afters even if you are full

A leading scientist has discovered a hidden stomach in the human body, that allows people to eat desserts – even when they are full from eating a main course.

David BoggleEyes made the discovery while out eating at a local restaurant.

He told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I was out having one of them eat-all-you-can meals down at the local Chinese when I met a friend who I haven’t seen for a few years. The guy was a fat bastard and ate three main courses over the period of an hour. He was then presented with a dessert menu and we all thought he’d have to decline. We were astonished to hear him ask for a chocolate brownie and when it arrived 10 minutes later, he ate it no problem. I had to make further enquiries so I took him back to my lab to find out where he’d put it all and lo and behold – the x-ray showed what I can only describe as a ‘dessert stomach’. The dessert stomach is separate from the main course stomach so no matter how much you eat for your main meal, you’ll always have room for a dessert.”

BoggleEyes has since proven that the dessert stomach is quicker at digesting its contents, so can be ready within minutes for replenishment.

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Shit handwriting linked to higher intelligence

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People with shit handwriting have been told that it’s possible that they have a higher-than-average IQ.

Boffins at a local university have told Grumpy Fuckers that people whose handwriting is shit are more likely to be clever.

Professor Timmy CleverClogs told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We’ve all seen those doctors’ prescriptions and I can’t read those for shit. We decided to do some digging into this and it appears that these people are so fucking clever that their brains wire out and causes them to write any old shit. Those with neat writing turned out to be proper dunces. They may be able to write neatly but they don’t half write some crap. If you’re writing’s all over the place, you can guarantee that you’re a clever bastard.”

Schoolteacher Simon BigHead said:

“I’m so clever that when I go to write, I find myself scribbling all over the page. I can’t help it. It’s just the way I am.”

Higher intelligence has also been linked to people having shit eyesight and needing to wear glasses.

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New Year’s Eve cancelled because it’s shit

New Year’s Eve has been cancelled worldwide – because it’s shit.

The annual event traditionally sees millions of people wasting time and money on the big non-event. Authorities say that NYE will be cancelled for the foreseeable.

The local mayor told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I’ve been saying this shit for years – New Year’s Eve is a waste of everyone’s time. We all pay over the odds for a waste of time and then wake up the next day feeling even more shit. We’ve decided to cancel it nationwide to save people wasting their precious time. Everyone will thank us in the long run. All going well, we may even extend the ban to Christmas as well. Last year, my wife ran off with the local priest that I gave all my savings to so it’d be good to see that disappear too.”

One New Year’s Eve fan said:

“Oh well. I’m off to get shit-faced.”

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87% population in a ‘serious’ relationship with coffee

coffee

A recent survey has shown that 87% of the world’s population is in a serious relationship with coffee.

Participants of the survey said that they’d rather have a serious relationship with coffee than a human being.

One coffee-lover told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I’ve found that I hate most people because they’re dickheads. I’d much rather have a relationship with a tall dark stranger that doesn’t answer back or let me down. I prefer to have a relationship with something that’s ready to give it to me first thing in the morning and at any point during the day – whenever I want it. I want something that smells good, tastes good and makes me feel alive – something that touches my very soul.”

Coffee was first invented by Keith Coffee in 1764, when he found some coffee beans lying on the floor in some jungle somewhere. He boiled some water in his kettle, put the beans in and invented the world’s first cup of coffee there and then. Since then, over 500 billion cups of coffee are sold every day.

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WHO recognises 4pm as the new official Wine O’Clock

The World Health Organisation has today announced that 4pm is the universal Wine O’Clock.

The organisation said that 4pm is now the most popular time to start getting shit-faced.

Lionel DeBlair, spokesman for the WHO, told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We’ve been collecting data from all over the world and after we’ve crunched all the figures, we’ve come to the conclusion that 4pm is the new Wine O’Clock. This marks a distinct shift from the usual 8pm, and reflects the nature of lockdown all over the world. I myself, usually start getting shit-faced just before 4pm. I have one cold beer, just to get me going, followed by two bottles of Gavi and if that still hasn’t done the job, I go to my emergency cupboard and open whatever’s there – that could include things like peach vodka or sherry from last Christmas. The WHO now recognises 4pm as the new Wine O’Clock and we will be confirming this in a letter to anyone who wants to read it. I’m off to get shit-faced now. Bye.”

World leaders will be forced to accept the new rulings, which comes as the world struggles with lockdowns in towns and cities across the world.

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Woman accidentally leans on phone, inputs 16 digit card number in the correct order and buys new shoes

A woman has accidentally bought herself a new pair of shoes after leaning on her phone.

Thelma BendyLegs sat on her phone while watching a wildlife show on telly – and happened to accidentally input all of her 16 credit card numbers, her expiry date and her security number – all in the correct order.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:

“It’s the third time this has happened to me in a week. I feel awfully embarrassed. All I did was sit down to watch two rhinos shagging and before I knew it, my fat arse had managed to unlock my phone, enter all my card details and order a pair of shoes I’ve been dying to have. They were very expensive and it means I won’t be able to feed the kids for a week but I’m going to look a stunner when I goes down the club tonight.”

Husband Ken said:

“This keeps happening to her all the time. Last month, she sat down to watch Friends, sat on her phone and bought a new Ford. She really needs to put some sort of lock on her phone or at least take it out of her back pocket when she sits down.”

Thelma added:

“That poor delivery man. He’s around her every day or so which is no bad thing as I like perving at his legs in his little Post Office shorts. Sigh.”

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Man sells homing pigeons for 47th time this year

A man has sold his homing pigeons for the 47th time this year after the birds repeatedly returned home.

Every time Darryl Twosheds drops his pigeons off to the buyer, he returns home to find them back home.

He told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I bought these homing pigeons because nobody likes me and I thought I’d made some animal friends. Back in the early days, it was wonderful releasing them and letting them find their way home again. But then they started making extortionate demands and they were getting on my tits. In the end, I decided to sell the fuckers.

“I popped them on eBay and managed to sell them all within the first hour. I drove them 30 miles to drop them off but when I got home, there they were. This has happened 47 times now and I’m not happy about it. In fact, I’m going to write a strongly-worded letter of complaint to the local newspaper about it all.”

Darryl’s wife Susan said:

“My husband’s a dickhead and always has been. I can’t stand the sight of him. Would you like to buy him from me?”

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Kanye West promises to stop singing if he becomes President

Superstar rapper Kanye West has promised to stop singing if he claims the White House this November.

It means that the singer has suddenly become a serious presidential candidate as a result of the pledge.

A spokeswoman for Mr West told Grumpy Fuckers:

“It’s true. I spoke to Mr West himself this morning as he flew in on his private yacht. We were looking for election-winning pledges when one of the girls serving coffee suggested that he stopped singing. We all looked at each other in amazement – it was so simple, yet so powerful. We put this to Mr West and he didn’t take it very well at first. We told him that he didn’t have to really stick to his pledge – it was just to get into the White House. So he agreed.

One music critic welcomed the move.

“Anything to shut him up is fine by me, even if it is for a few months”

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UN bans pineapple on pizza

pineapple-pizza

The United Nations has officially banned pineapple as a pizza topping.

The craze of putting pineapple on pizza was started by some asshole during the 1960s. The United Nations has said that the world can no longer go on with pineapple on top of a cheese and tomato base.

A spokeswoman for the United Nation told Grumpy Fuckers:

“It seems as if the world has been turned upside down these last few years and one of the main reasons for this is because people have continued to put pineapple on their pizzas. This horrendous procedure has been going on for far too long and we have now decided to act swiftly to deal with it. We are therefore announcing that from today, pineapple on pizza will be banned. Those attempting to put this exotic fruit on their pizza could face up to ten years in jail. We will not tolerate it any more.”

Pizza-lovers across the world have broadly welcome the move.

“I was happily married for 34 years until I discovered that my wife likes pineapple on her pizza,” said Mario Kart. “We were divorced the next day. I therefore welcome this new ban. I am now looking for a new wife. Hopefully one that has never put pineapple on her pizza.”

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Grumpy Fuckers demand permanent social distancing

social-distancing

Grumpy Fuckers across the world are demanding that social distancing rules should remain in place so that they don’t have to talk to anyone in the future.

Grumpy Fuckers have been quietly pleased with the social distancing rules as it has meant that they can keep the fuck away from other fuckers.

Gary TwoSheds, President of the Worldwide Grumpy Fuckers Association said:

“I’ve been more than happy with not having to speak to anyone. It’s saved me having to cross the road whenever I see anyone I know. The social distancing rules have been a blessing in disguise because it’s meant that I’ve been able to stay indoors and not go out and see anyone. I know that all the members of the association feel exactly the same so we are demanding that these measures are put in place permanently. Then we never have to speak to anyone ever. Perfect.”

Social distancing has been put in place in many parts of the world but the Worldwide Grumpy Fuckers Association said that they’d like to see the restrictions put in place globally.

“I’d like to go on holiday and not have to small talk with any fuckers while I’m there,” added Gary.

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2020 to be turned into a disaster movie

A studio in Hollywood has announced that it is to turn the year 2020 into a disaster movie.

The movie will come with the tagline ‘When you thought things couldn’t get any worse, it just did’.

Studio boss Danny SquareEyes told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I distinctly remember wishing my friends and family a happy 2020 on New Year’s Eve, and reminding myself that things couldn’t get any worse than they did in 2019. Boy was I wrong. This year has been an absolute shitshow and we’re not even halfway through yet. We’re going to sit tight and see how the next 7 months pan out and once it’s in the bag, we’ll get working on a script and get filming. We’ve not yet thought of who we’re going to cast, namely because we don’t know who’s still going to be with us by the end of the year. But we’ve already started some tentative storylines that we never thought we’d make because they seemed too over the top.”

The movie will be called 2020 – A Year of Shit, and studios are hoping to have it in cinemas across the world by the summer of 2021.

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Get ready for Grumpy Fuckers Day – Monday 25th May

Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Monday 25th May.

The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day.

One grumpy fucker said:

“Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day in my life. The first thing I do when I get up in the morning is moan to myself about how shit my life is. I then go downstairs and make myself a shit cup of coffee. I head off to work about 8am and then spend the day working with arseholes. After that, I come back home, make myself a shit dinner and go to bed. That’s it. That’s my life.”

Another fucker said:

“Meh. Just get out of my face, fucker.”

International Grumpy Fucker Day was first celebrated in 2007. It’s been celebrated every year since because that’s how often annual events are celebrated.

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Dear Ethel: I need your help!

Dear Ethel

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual.

I hadn’t driven more than 5 miles down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help.

When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour’s daughter.

I’m 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour’s daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I’d leave him. He was made redundant from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.

I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.

He won’t go to counselling and I’m afraid I can’t get through to him any more.

Can you please help?

Sandra, St Asaph

Dear Sandra,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it’s clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps.

Ethel x

Ethel Leathercrotch is a world-renowned Agony Aunt who likes cats, standing in supermarket doorways and smelling of chicken soup

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Clive Grimgrits Reviews: The Wizard of Oz

wizard-of-oz

Finding myself in lockdown and having fuck all to do, I thought I’d go through some of my old film collection and see what I had there.

As the world’s most eminent movie critic, it’s all too easy to focus on the new releases. But as they’ve all dried up, it always worth going through some of the old classic and and assessing them as if they were new.

The Wizard of Oz needs no introduction but I’m going to give you one anyway. It’s about a girl called Dorothy Gale who lives on a farm with her Aunt Em and Uncle Henry. She’s got a little prick of a dog called Toto who goes and bites one of Dorothy’s neighbours. Quite rightly, her neighbour tries to get the shitbag of a dog put down but Dorothy runs away and so begins one of the most weirdest movies you’ll ever see. Whoever wrote this shit must have been smacked up to the tits.

First, Dorothy meets this guy called Professor Marvel, who tells Dorothy that her Aunt Em is sick. As she goes back to the house, this tornado comes along and lifts both Dorothy and the farmhouse up into the air. The house then lands in this wacko fucking place called Munchkinland where she meets a rather gorgeous good witch (never knew that such a thing existed but for the sake of the story, she’s there). She informs Dorothy that she’s a murderer, having killed some bad witch.

Then this other bad witch turns up and says she’s going to fuck Dorothy up.

Then Dorothy is told to follow the Yellowbrick Road and find the Wizard of Oz (hence the name), where she comes across a scarecrow, a tin man (what the fuck’s that?) and a lion. Obviously.

Man. That’s some serious hardcore drug problem this writer’s got.

They start singing some songs.

They find the wizard, only to find that he’s not really a wizard.

Then there’s a balloon or something.

Then some clicking of some slippers.

And she’s back home before we know what the fuck just went on.

This film is the sort of film you think you’ve dreamt after eating a shitload of cheese. There’s some shit-scary monkeys flying around at one point and the whole thing smacks of a bad acid tablet experience.

There are some pretty nifty special effects, especially considering the movie was made way back in 1939. The movie flits between black and white and colour and I’m sure there’s some moral in the tale somewhere but I can’t be arsed to work it all out. The underlying symbolism of the populism featured throughout the film is something I just cut and pasted off the internet to make it sound like I know what I’m talking about.

Rating 2/5

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Dear Ethel: Why does my wife make shit coffee?

Dear Ethel

Why does my wife make shit coffee?

Sheila, London

Dear Sheila,

Not everyone can make a nice cup of coffee and I would suggest that your wife either bucks up her ideas pretty pronto or leaves the family home. Life is too short to make shit coffee and this so-called wife of yours needs to think twice before she steps in a kitchen again. Be gentle at first. Suggest ways that she can improve her coffee-making abilities. If she doesn’t respond to this, you may need to think about divorce or having an affair. I have had several of my friends divorce their partners because they were making shit coffee.

Ethel x

Ethel Leathercrotch is a world-renowned Agony Aunt who likes cats, standing in supermarket doorways and smelling of chicken soup

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Dickhead neighbour mows lawn at 7.30am on a Saturday

A dickhead neighbour has mown his lawn at 7.30am on a Saturday.

Residents hoping for a nice lie-in were woken by Alan Dupper and his Qualcast 125cc push petrol rotary lawnmower.

Alan told Grumpy Fuckers:

“My lawn needed doing so I got up early so that I could then spend the rest of the day relaxing. It’s quite a large lawn so it took me about half an hour. Some of my neighbours started hanging out of their bedroom windows and calling me all the names under the sun but I had that same sort of treatment a few weeks ago when I started drilling a wall down in my living room at 6am. They’re not very nice around here – I thought I had moved to a nice neighbourhood but they’re all pretty selfish.”

Neighbour Emma Dale said:

“I didn’t get in till 5.30am this morning because I stopped over at my mate’s house for a drunken shag. I was then woken by Mr Dickhead and now I can’t get back to sleep.”

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Woman spends three hours doing hair to buy bread

A woman has spent three hours doing her hair nice so that she can go and buy a loaf of bread.

Emily Triplebelly washed it, blow-dried it and styled it in order to go and buy herself a small bloomer.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I don’t get out much these days so it’s nice to make an effort. I got up early so that I had plenty of time. I didn’t want to rush anything in case the man down the shop noticed. Once I’d done my hair nice, I went to the shop and bought a loaf of bread. It was only a small loaf I wanted since I’m trying to cut down on my carbs these days. I’ve become the size of a small hippo since the lockdown. I came home and made a small sandwich with the bread I’d bought. Sadly, no one commented on my hair that I’d spent so long doing. Still, in my own mind, it looked nice and I was proud of myself for doing it.”

Emily plans on putting on her ballgown over the weekend to go and buy some eggs.

“I’ll have to get up very early for that,” she added.

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Vibrators ask for some time out

Vibrators across the world have been asking their owners for some time out.

The phallic funboys have been in constant demand since the lockdown started, but many are now experiencing burnout.

One dildo told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I’m used to working once, maybe twice a week. This week, I’ve put in 17 shifts, including 7 in just one day. My owner doesn’t know whether she’s coming or going, as it were. All I know is that I’m exhausted. I’ve had to change my battery three times this week and I’m just hoping that she’ll run out and won’t be able to go to the shops to get more. I wasn’t built for this kind of industrial abuse. I should have joined the union when I had the chance. I can’t get a word in edgeways and I wake up every morning with a horrible feeling of dread coming over me. I don’t think I can take any more.”

One user told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I’ve completed Netflix and YouTube and the only thing left for me to do now is frig myself to death. It’s not my fault. I blame the government.”

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Man has underpants surgically removed after wearing them for 13 years

A 54 year-old man has had his underpants surgically removed after he had worn them for 13 consecutive years.

Brian CrispyGrits underwent the procedure after his wife threatened to divorce him if he didn’t change them.

Brian told Grumpy Fuckers:

“They were my comfy ones so I liked to wear them every day. But then after the hot weather yesterday, my wife Sheila went apeshit on me, telling me to change them. It was only then that I realised that my kegs had become attached to my body. Sheila called an ambulance and a few hours later, they were finally off. It’s a shame really because I considered them my lucky ones.”

Wife Sheila was relieved that her husband was finally free of his underpants.

“I bought them for him back in 2002 and he’s worn them every day since. They had a massive hole in them and his bollocks were hanging out of them like a bag of giblets. I’d like to thank the staff at the hospital for all their help.”

Sheila is now planning a trip to the shops when they reopen to buy Brian a new pair of underpants.

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