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Coffee shop opens for non-morning people

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A coffee shop has opened in Cardiff for people who hate mornings.

Grumpy Fuckers’ Coffee Shop opened its door yesterday and was overwhelmed by demand.

Manager Clive GrimGrits told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I had to get up at 5am to get the bastard shop open. I hated it. Most people are still sleeping at that time. We opened the shop at 6am and by 7am, we’d already sold out of ‘Fuck You Frappuccinos’ as well as our ‘Piss Poor Tea’. Every fucker who came in had a face on them like a slapped arse so I closed the shop at 8am so I could go home and get some proper sleep like most people do.”

One customer said that she would visit the coffee shop again, despite everyone bumping into each other and not saying a word.

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Woman takes all day to get jack shit done

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A mother of four has taken all day to get jack shit done.

Cheryl Blundergunt spent 14 hours of her day getting fuck all done, before taking herself to bed exhausted.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I’ve worked really hard today getting jack shit done. I wanted to sit down and watch some TV with a glass of wine this evening but I still have so much fuck all to get done that I had to work late. I eventually crashed into bed around 11pm, by which point I was totally exhausted. I needed to get to bed early as I have a busy day tomorrow, getting more jack shit done. I honestly don’t know how I get it all done – there just aren’t enough hours in the day.”

Cheryl also has a busy week ahead of her and most of her days will be filled with not getting much done.

Friend Tina Simpleton said:

“What DOES she do with her day? Every time I see her, she looks exhausted and like she’s about to drop. I just don’t understand how she manages to get so little done with so much time on her hands.”

Cheryl hopes to get some rest at some point in the future.

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Get ready for International Grumpy Fuckers Day 2021 – Monday 30th August

Grumpy-Fucker-Day-2021

Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Monday 30th August.

The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day.

One grumpy fucker said:

“Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day in my life. The first thing I do when I get up in the morning is moan to myself about how shit my life is. I then go downstairs and make myself a shit cup of coffee. I head off to work about 8am and then spend the day working with arseholes. After that, I come back home, make myself a shit dinner and go to bed. That’s it. That’s my life.”

Another fucker said:

“Meh. Just get out of my face, fucker.”

International Grumpy Fucker Day was first celebrated in 2007. It’s been celebrated every year since because that’s how often annual events are celebrated.

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Male version Alexa ‘doesn’t listen to a word you say’

A new ‘male’ version of Amazon’s virtual assistant Alexa has been met with poor reviews following complaints that the device doesn’t listen to a word anyone’s saying.

Housewives across the country have been left frustrated with the device, commonly known as Alex, that only seems to light up and respond when there’s a mention of blow jobs.

One Alex user told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I bought one because I wanted a man around the house. I wanted him to just to listen to me but the more I spoke to him, the more he’d shut down and not respond. The more I spoke, the more he’d stop working. In the end, I mentioned the phrase ‘blow job’ and as soon as I’d said it, he lit up and started responding. If I need him to do anything, I just offer him sexual favours and he does what I want. I even asked it to clean my dishes and clear out my guttering and it did it all on the back of a promise of a cock suck.”

Managers at Amazon have asked owners to keep a record of any ongoing issues, and to let them know so that they can ignore them.

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Libraries move ‘Post Apocalyptic Fiction’ books to ‘Non-Fiction’ shelves

library

Libraries across the country have moved the entire contents of their Post Apocalyptic Fiction shelves to that of Non-Fiction.

The reclassification follows a shitfest of a year that’s seen the world change as we know it.

One head librarian told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We always thought that the books in the Post Apocalyptic Fiction section were always a bit too far-fetched but even we didn’t think that the world would go to shit as much as it has done. Having looked through our catalogue of books, we’ve decided that most, if not all, of the Post Apocalyptic Fiction books now belong in the non-fiction section. I’ve got Babs to shift all the books from the one lot of shelves to the other. She’s done fuck all all year so it’s the least she can do.”

Book stores are likely to follow suit when they reopen. If they reopen.

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Woman spends day off work worrying about going back to work

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A woman has spent her entire day off work worrying about going back to work.

Sally Gumboots spent the entire day with a horrible pit-of-the-stomach feeling about going back to work the day after.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:

“Tuesday is normally my day off but it never feels like a day off because I spend the entire day worrying about the fact that I have to go back to work on the Wednesday. It’s doesn’t feel like a day off. I’d like to think that I can enjoy a day away from the assholes I have to work with but in truth, I just spend all my time off worrying about going back to work with all the assholes I work with. Even when I get two days off together, I’m counting down the days to go back to work so I never get to enjoy my time off. I’d like a job where I never actually have to go in, or do anything, or see or speak to anyone. That would be my ideal job.”

Sally’s boss Emma Tingletoes said that no one looks forward to Sally coming back to work either.

“She’s a right grumpy fucker,” said Emma. “All she does is moan about stuff. I might just sack her actually.”

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Daredevil drinks orange juice after brushing teeth

A 32 year old daredevil has drunk a whole glass of orange juice after brushing his teeth.

Gordon Wobblebottom sank the ice-cold glass of fruit juice after spending four minutes brushing his gnashers.

His wife Wendy told Grumpy Fuckers:

“Gordon’s always had a bit of a wild side to him and he’s often spoke about drinking a glass of orange juice after brushing his teeth. We’ve been married for 7 years now and every morning when he brushes his pegs he’s mentioned it. What I wasn’t expecting was him to do it for real. He went into training for it back in February and late last night down at the local leisure centre, he did it.”

Gordon brushed his teeth in front of a small socially-distanced crowd before downing the orange juice.

One eyewitness said:

“I couldn’t watch so I’ve no idea if he did if for real. I expect he did though because he said that he did. Brave man.”

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Jehovah’s Witnesses call for ban on door-knocking Trick or Treaters

trickortreat

Jehovah’s Witnesses have called for a full and immediate ban on Trick or Treaters.

They say that they don’t appreciate strangers knocking on their front doors and threatening them with fire and brimstone if they don’t conform to what they say.

One Jehovah’s Witness said:

“I was in bed the other day. It was my first lie in for several weeks as I’ve been working extra hours. I was in such a deep sleep – it was just what my body was craving- and all of a sudden there was a knock on the door. I tried to ignore it but the knock came again. I dragged my sorry backside out of bed, down the stairs and opened the front door, only to be confronted by a group of total strangers, threatening me that if I didn’t conform to their way of thinking, that there’d be hell to pay. I told them that I wasn’t interested but they kept on and on until I had to shut the door in their faces which I don’t like doing as it’s very rude.”

One trick or treater said:

“Whatever mate. I’ll stick an egg right in your face.”

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Husband divorces wife after discovering she irons their socks

A husband has filed for divorce after finding out that his wife has been ironing their socks.

Eric Bigballs said that he would never have married his wife Natalie had he known she ironed the socks.

He told Grumpy Fuckers:

“Our socks were always immaculately crease-free and I don’t know why I ever noticed it. I happened to come downstairs one morning and found her ironing the frigging things. I didn’t know where to look. The shame of it. I couldn’t look her in the eye. I went straight out and talked to my lawyer about it. I filed for divorce there and then. I’ll be moving out in the next day or so and I won’t be stepping back into that house. Hopefully, she can meet someone new and they can iron socks together. While listening to Kenny G or something.”

Wife Natalie says she couldn’t give a shit about her husband leaving her.

“He can go fuck himself,” she said.

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Scientists discover ‘dessert stomach’ that allows you to eat afters even if you are full

A leading scientist has discovered a hidden stomach in the human body, that allows people to eat desserts – even when they are full from eating a main course.

David BoggleEyes made the discovery while out eating at a local restaurant.

He told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I was out having one of them eat-all-you-can meals down at the local Chinese when I met a friend who I haven’t seen for a few years. The guy was a fat bastard and ate three main courses over the period of an hour. He was then presented with a dessert menu and we all thought he’d have to decline. We were astonished to hear him ask for a chocolate brownie and when it arrived 10 minutes later, he ate it no problem. I had to make further enquiries so I took him back to my lab to find out where he’d put it all and lo and behold – the x-ray showed what I can only describe as a ‘dessert stomach’. The dessert stomach is separate from the main course stomach so no matter how much you eat for your main meal, you’ll always have room for a dessert.”

BoggleEyes has since proven that the dessert stomach is quicker at digesting its contents, so can be ready within minutes for replenishment.

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Shit handwriting linked to higher intelligence

shit-handwriting

People with shit handwriting have been told that it’s possible that they have a higher-than-average IQ.

Boffins at a local university have told Grumpy Fuckers that people whose handwriting is shit are more likely to be clever.

Professor Timmy CleverClogs told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We’ve all seen those doctors’ prescriptions and I can’t read those for shit. We decided to do some digging into this and it appears that these people are so fucking clever that their brains wire out and causes them to write any old shit. Those with neat writing turned out to be proper dunces. They may be able to write neatly but they don’t half write some crap. If you’re writing’s all over the place, you can guarantee that you’re a clever bastard.”

Schoolteacher Simon BigHead said:

“I’m so clever that when I go to write, I find myself scribbling all over the page. I can’t help it. It’s just the way I am.”

Higher intelligence has also been linked to people having shit eyesight and needing to wear glasses.

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New Year’s Eve cancelled because it’s shit

New Year’s Eve has been cancelled worldwide – because it’s shit.

The annual event traditionally sees millions of people wasting time and money on the big non-event. Authorities say that NYE will be cancelled for the foreseeable.

The local mayor told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I’ve been saying this shit for years – New Year’s Eve is a waste of everyone’s time. We all pay over the odds for a waste of time and then wake up the next day feeling even more shit. We’ve decided to cancel it nationwide to save people wasting their precious time. Everyone will thank us in the long run. All going well, we may even extend the ban to Christmas as well. Last year, my wife ran off with the local priest that I gave all my savings to so it’d be good to see that disappear too.”

One New Year’s Eve fan said:

“Oh well. I’m off to get shit-faced.”

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87% population in a ‘serious’ relationship with coffee

coffee

A recent survey has shown that 87% of the world’s population is in a serious relationship with coffee.

Participants of the survey said that they’d rather have a serious relationship with coffee than a human being.

One coffee-lover told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I’ve found that I hate most people because they’re dickheads. I’d much rather have a relationship with a tall dark stranger that doesn’t answer back or let me down. I prefer to have a relationship with something that’s ready to give it to me first thing in the morning and at any point during the day – whenever I want it. I want something that smells good, tastes good and makes me feel alive – something that touches my very soul.”

Coffee was first invented by Keith Coffee in 1764, when he found some coffee beans lying on the floor in some jungle somewhere. He boiled some water in his kettle, put the beans in and invented the world’s first cup of coffee there and then. Since then, over 500 billion cups of coffee are sold every day.

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WHO recognises 4pm as the new official Wine O’Clock

The World Health Organisation has today announced that 4pm is the universal Wine O’Clock.

The organisation said that 4pm is now the most popular time to start getting shit-faced.

Lionel DeBlair, spokesman for the WHO, told Grumpy Fuckers:

“We’ve been collecting data from all over the world and after we’ve crunched all the figures, we’ve come to the conclusion that 4pm is the new Wine O’Clock. This marks a distinct shift from the usual 8pm, and reflects the nature of lockdown all over the world. I myself, usually start getting shit-faced just before 4pm. I have one cold beer, just to get me going, followed by two bottles of Gavi and if that still hasn’t done the job, I go to my emergency cupboard and open whatever’s there – that could include things like peach vodka or sherry from last Christmas. The WHO now recognises 4pm as the new Wine O’Clock and we will be confirming this in a letter to anyone who wants to read it. I’m off to get shit-faced now. Bye.”

World leaders will be forced to accept the new rulings, which comes as the world struggles with lockdowns in towns and cities across the world.

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Woman accidentally leans on phone, inputs 16 digit card number in the correct order and buys new shoes

A woman has accidentally bought herself a new pair of shoes after leaning on her phone.

Thelma BendyLegs sat on her phone while watching a wildlife show on telly – and happened to accidentally input all of her 16 credit card numbers, her expiry date and her security number – all in the correct order.

She told Grumpy Fuckers:

“It’s the third time this has happened to me in a week. I feel awfully embarrassed. All I did was sit down to watch two rhinos shagging and before I knew it, my fat arse had managed to unlock my phone, enter all my card details and order a pair of shoes I’ve been dying to have. They were very expensive and it means I won’t be able to feed the kids for a week but I’m going to look a stunner when I goes down the club tonight.”

Husband Ken said:

“This keeps happening to her all the time. Last month, she sat down to watch Friends, sat on her phone and bought a new Ford. She really needs to put some sort of lock on her phone or at least take it out of her back pocket when she sits down.”

Thelma added:

“That poor delivery man. He’s around her every day or so which is no bad thing as I like perving at his legs in his little Post Office shorts. Sigh.”

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Man sells homing pigeons for 47th time this year

A man has sold his homing pigeons for the 47th time this year after the birds repeatedly returned home.

Every time Darryl Twosheds drops his pigeons off to the buyer, he returns to find the fuckers back home.

He told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I bought these homing pigeons because nobody likes me and I thought I’d made some animal friends. Back in the early days, it was wonderful releasing them and letting them find their way home again. But then they started making extortionate demands and they were getting on my tits. In the end, I decided to sell the fuckers.

“I popped them on eBay and managed to sell them all within the first hour. I drove them 30 miles to drop them off but when I got home, there they were. This has happened 47 times now and I’m not happy about it. In fact, I’m going to write a strongly-worded letter of complaint to the local newspaper about it all.”

Darryl’s wife Susan said:

“My husband’s a dickhead and always has been. I can’t stand the sight of him. Would you like to buy him from me?”

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Kanye West promises to stop singing if he becomes President

Superstar rapper Kanye West has promised to stop singing if he claims the White House this November.

It means that the singer has suddenly become a serious presidential candidate as a result of the pledge.

A spokeswoman for Mr West told Grumpy Fuckers:

“It’s true. I spoke to Mr West himself this morning as he flew in on his private yacht. We were looking for election-winning pledges when one of the girls serving coffee suggested that he stopped singing. We all looked at each other in amazement – it was so simple, yet so powerful. We put this to Mr West and he didn’t take it very well at first. We told him that he didn’t have to really stick to his pledge – it was just to get into the White House. So he agreed.

One music critic welcomed the move.

“Anything to shut him up is fine by me, even if it is for a few months”

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UN bans pineapple on pizza

pineapple-pizza

The United Nations has officially banned pineapple as a pizza topping.

The craze of putting pineapple on pizza was started by some asshole during the 1960s. The United Nations has said that the world can no longer go on with pineapple on top of a cheese and tomato base.

A spokeswoman for the United Nation told Grumpy Fuckers:

“It seems as if the world has been turned upside down these last few years and one of the main reasons for this is because people have continued to put pineapple on their pizzas. This horrendous procedure has been going on for far too long and we have now decided to act swiftly to deal with it. We are therefore announcing that from today, pineapple on pizza will be banned. Those attempting to put this exotic fruit on their pizza could face up to ten years in jail. We will not tolerate it any more.”

Pizza-lovers across the world have broadly welcome the move.

“I was happily married for 34 years until I discovered that my wife likes pineapple on her pizza,” said Mario Kart. “We were divorced the next day. I therefore welcome this new ban. I am now looking for a new wife. Hopefully one that has never put pineapple on her pizza.”

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Grumpy Fuckers demand permanent social distancing

social-distancing

Grumpy Fuckers across the world are demanding that social distancing rules should remain in place so that they don’t have to talk to anyone in the future.

Grumpy Fuckers have been quietly pleased with the social distancing rules as it has meant that they can keep the fuck away from other fuckers.

Gary TwoSheds, President of the Worldwide Grumpy Fuckers Association said:

“I’ve been more than happy with not having to speak to anyone. It’s saved me having to cross the road whenever I see anyone I know. The social distancing rules have been a blessing in disguise because it’s meant that I’ve been able to stay indoors and not go out and see anyone. I know that all the members of the association feel exactly the same so we are demanding that these measures are put in place permanently. Then we never have to speak to anyone ever. Perfect.”

Social distancing has been put in place in many parts of the world but the Worldwide Grumpy Fuckers Association said that they’d like to see the restrictions put in place globally.

“I’d like to go on holiday and not have to small talk with any fuckers while I’m there,” added Gary.

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2020 to be turned into a disaster movie

A studio in Hollywood has announced that it is to turn the year 2020 into a disaster movie.

The movie will come with the tagline ‘When you thought things couldn’t get any worse, it just did’.

Studio boss Danny SquareEyes told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I distinctly remember wishing my friends and family a happy 2020 on New Year’s Eve, and reminding myself that things couldn’t get any worse than they did in 2019. Boy was I wrong. This year has been an absolute shitshow and we’re not even halfway through yet. We’re going to sit tight and see how the next 7 months pan out and once it’s in the bag, we’ll get working on a script and get filming. We’ve not yet thought of who we’re going to cast, namely because we don’t know who’s still going to be with us by the end of the year. But we’ve already started some tentative storylines that we never thought we’d make because they seemed too over the top.”

The movie will be called 2020 – A Year of Shit, and studios are hoping to have it in cinemas across the world by the summer of 2021.

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Get ready for Grumpy Fuckers Day – Monday 25th May

Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Monday 25th May.

The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day.

One grumpy fucker said:

“Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day in my life. The first thing I do when I get up in the morning is moan to myself about how shit my life is. I then go downstairs and make myself a shit cup of coffee. I head off to work about 8am and then spend the day working with arseholes. After that, I come back home, make myself a shit dinner and go to bed. That’s it. That’s my life.”

Another fucker said:

“Meh. Just get out of my face, fucker.”

International Grumpy Fucker Day was first celebrated in 2007. It’s been celebrated every year since because that’s how often annual events are celebrated.