Santa has reportedly been asking kids to leave out bottles of gin and boxes of donuts for him this year. Santa’s rough year means that he’d appreciate gin and donuts, rather than the traditional milk and mince pies this Christmas. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “I get fed up of the same old shit, year in […]
The man who invented the phrase ‘Good Morning’ has been found fatally murdered in his apartment. Cheery John Smiley coined the phrase back in 1952 as a way of making his employees feel valued as they arrived for work. He was found dead last night. A police spokeswoman told GrumpyFuckers: “He had it coming for […]
A woman has spent her entire day off work worrying about going back to work. Sally Gumboots spent the entire day with a horrible pit-of-the-stomach feeling about going back to work the day after. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “Tuesday is normally my day off but it never feels like a day off because I spend […]
Researchers at a very posh university have scientifically proven that people with resting bitch faces look younger. Their work proves that people who smile too much look wrinkly and that too much happiness can leave you looking haggard and miserable. Professor Brian CleverClogs who headed the study told Grumpy Fuckers: “Us clever people have suspected […]
Inspirational memes posted by social media users cure up to 98% of cases of depression, it has been claimed. Social media users who post inspirational memes are often viewed as experts in curing mental health disorders. One social media user told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was down on my luck. I was really having a hard […]
People who whistle shit that doesn’t even resemble a song can now legally be punched in the throat. It means that people who appear happy in their jobs can be reminded that other people don’t want to listen to their shit. Police spokesman Danny LoveTruncheon told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve all heard it – some dickhead […]
Workers in a local shop have called for an ambulance for a woman who turned up for work with no makeup on. The friends, who didn’t recognise their co-worker at first, thought the woman was seriously ill. Mary ‘Jugs’ Layabout told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was just setting up the shop for the day when this […]
A recent survey has discovered that 96% of people tell their pets that they ‘won’t be long’ when they pop out. The survey also showed that 100% of cats didn’t give a shit how long their owners were going to be out. Dr Colin Underchafing told Grumpy Fuckers: “While we eat some animals, we also […]
The United Nations has officially banned pineapple as a pizza topping. The craze of putting pineapple on pizza was started by some asshole during the 1960s. The United Nations has said that the world can no longer go on with pineapple on top of a cheese and tomato base. A spokeswoman for the United Nation […]
A new survey has revealed that just 10 minutes of work can make people use the word ‘fuck’ as if they were commas. The research was completed by a team at the University of Grumpy Fucks. They wanted to know why people were using the word so frequently. Professor FuckFace who led the research, told […]
A woman who was told to calm down by her boyfriend has not calmed down. Ethel Bobblehat said that being told to calm down was an open invitation to lose her shit. She told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was having an argument with my dickhead boyfriend, when I got a little bit angry. He wasn’t listening […]
That’s right! The day when we can finally tell work to go fuck itself is finally here. Grumpy Fuckers all over the world will be calling work and telling their managers where they can stick their shitty jobs. Campaign manager Clive Grimgrits, who runs Grumpy Fuckers Coffee Shop in Cardiff said: “I’ve worked for some […]
A leading scientist has discovered a hidden stomach in the human body, that allows people to eat desserts – even when they are full from eating a main course. David BoggleEyes made the discovery while out eating at a local restaurant. He told Grumpy Fuckers: “I was out having one of them eat-all-you-can meals down […]
A recent survey has shown that 97% of people who go vegan decide to do so to be awkward fucks. The study showed that vegans are not only likely to be awkward but are morally superior to the rest of the population. Professor Dingbat who undertook the study told GrumpyFuckers: “We found that the first […]
Scientists have officially proved that intelligent people are the grumpiest fuckers on earth. The study showed that those who have an IQ of 140 or more were the grumpiest fuckers known to mankind. Professor CleverClogs who commissioned and carried out the study, told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve all had an inkling that those with greater intelligence […]
Coffee saves thousands of people being arrested every morning, according to a recent survey. The survey, carried out by the University of Little Hope, published its findings yesterday. It also concluded that prison population was kept down by up to 50% thanks to the wonder drink. Professor Frank FourEyes, who led the survey, told Grumpy […]
Grumpy fuckers all over the world are preparing to celebrate International Grumpy Fucker Day, which this year takes place on Monday 30th August. The fuckers have been moping around, grumbling to themselves and looking like sacks of shit in preparation for the big day. One grumpy fucker said: “Every day is International Grumpy Fucker Day […]
A 32 year old daredevil has drunk a whole glass of orange juice after brushing his teeth. Gordon Wobblebottom sank the ice-cold glass of fruit juice after spending four minutes brushing his gnashers. His wife Wendy told Grumpy Fuckers: “Gordon’s always had a bit of a wild side to him and he’s often spoke about […]
A recent survey has shown that 87% of the world’s population is in a serious relationship with coffee. Participants of the survey said that they’d rather have a serious relationship with coffee than a human being. One coffee-lover told Grumpy Fuckers: “I’ve found that I hate most people because they’re dickheads. I’d much rather have […]
The World Health Organisation has today announced that 4pm is the universal Wine O’Clock. The organisation said that 4pm is now the most popular time to start getting shit-faced. Lionel DeBlair, spokesman for the WHO, told Grumpy Fuckers: “We’ve been collecting data from all over the world and after we’ve crunched all the figures, we’ve […]