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Noisy neighbours who don’t give a fuck can be punched in the mouth

Noisy neighbours who don’t give a fuck can be punched hard in the mouth under new United Nations rules.

The news comes as the amount of noisy neighbours who don’t give a fuck reaches its highest level for decades.

Director of the Department for Noisy Neighbours Who Don’t Give a Fuck, Jerry Grimgrits told GrumpyFuckers:

“I had it this morning. Some fucker pulled up outside my neighbour’s house at 6am and instead of getting his fat arse out of the car to go knock on my neighbour’s door, this fat fuck just sat in his car, tooting his horn until my fucking neighbour appeared. Then, when my neighbour did appear, the fucker started shouting across the yard at the fat fucker in the car instead going over to him and asking him quietly. The pair of fuckers then had a long and loud conversation about fuck all, making sure that they woke every other fucker in the street. If this law had been passed yesterday, I would have been out there punching the fuckers in the mouth.”

The news has been welcomed by others. Shift-worker Sheila Largecalves said:

“I hate my neighbour. Always making some kind of noise. I’m looking forward to punching the noisy fucker in the mouth.”

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Dogs to learn to shake hands instead of sniffing each others’ assholes

Dogs are to learn how to shake hands so that they don’t have to greet other dogs by sniffing each others’ assholes.

The traditional dog greeting involves two dogs sniffing each the other’s anus and saying ‘Good morning. Is this your anus?’

Dogs will now receive training worldwide so that they can shake hands in the clean and proper way that civilised humans do.

Dog owner Betty Bumflaps said:

“I think it’s disgusting the way dogs currently greet each other. There’s no ‘hello’ or ‘how are you?’ – it’s straight to the shitter for a spot of sniffing. I’m glad that dogs are now going to learn to shake hands like we do. Imagine if I were to walk down the street sniffing everyone’s asshole? That’d be gross.”

But some dogs are not as keen. 3 year old Labrador, Rufus, said:

“I simply adore sniffing assholes. Whatever next? Will they stop us eating cat shit too? What is this world coming to?”

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New legislation allows motorists to stop car and punch tailgaters in the throat

The United Nations has passed legislation that will allow motorists worldwide to stop their cars and punch tailgaters in the throat.

The news comes as world leaders look for a solution to stop assholes driving up other peoples’ assholes.

A United Nations spokesperson told GrumpyFuckers:

“Even as I was driving into work this morning, I had some asshole driving up my asshole. I wound down my window, stuck my head out and said ‘Hey Asshole. Why are you driving up my asshole? Quit driving like an asshole, asshole.’ If I had been able to stop my car, get out, and punch the asshole in the throat, it would have made my trip to work a lot more satisfying.”

One motorist who enjoyed driving up other peoples’ assholes, who didn’t want to be named said:

“Duh what? My mommy told me to stay close to the car in front so I don’t get lost. I find it hard to drive with my webbed feet and three eyes.”

The new legislation has yet to be ratified, whatever that means.

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Mood ring ‘warns men of impending pre-menstrual women’

An inventor has created the world’s first mood ring that warns men that their lady’s time of the month is approaching.

Jimmy Fiddlefingers is hoping to patent the product and sell it worldwide.

He told GrumpyFuckers:

“I have a lot of male friends who come to me in tears every few weeks because their girlfriend or wife has gone off on one because it’s her time of the month. I thought they could all do with a helping hand so I invented this ring that the woman wears on her hand and the alternating colours give the signal to the men whether their partner is in an approachable mood. If the woman is not approachable, it is advised that the lads stay well out of her way – probably best to go down the pub at that point.”

The mood ring has gone on sale for Christmas. Shopper Emma Hardfist said:

“I love my new ring. When I’m in a good mood, it gives off a lovely green glow. When I’m due on, it leaves a big red mark IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS FUCKING FACE.”

The mood ring retails at $2.99.

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Millions worldwide silently suffering from Grumpyfuckeritis

Millions of people worldwide are silently suffering from a little-known condition that makes them grumpy, especially in the mornings.

Professor FourEyes, from Harvard University, classified the condition known as GrumpyFuckeritis last year. Yet lack of funding has meant that millions of people have yet to be diagnosed.

Prof FourEyes told

“Mornings are particular bad for sufferers of this condition. They wake up wanting to punch the shit out of anyone and anything. They stomp around muttering to themselves and the only thing that seems to alleviate their condition is coffee, even if it is a short-term fix. The effects of grumpyfuckeritis can last all day for some and you’ll typically find that they medicate themselves with several bottles of wine at the end of a day. Some even inject it directly into their bloodstream. It’s a condition that needs to be treated properly so we are keen to raise awareness of it.”

Grumpyfuckeritis sufferer Janet Scowl said:

“I asked for a fucking Americano. What’s this shit? I don’t want to speak to you. In fact, I don’t want to even look at you. Get the fuck out of my sight.”

Professor FourEyes added:

“This is a text-book reaction from someone suffering from grumpyfuckeritis. We only said ‘hello’ to her.”

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Premenstrual syndrome conference erupts in violence after chocolate and wine supplies run out

An international conference debating Premenstrual Syndrome (PMS) descended into violence last night after supplies of wine and chocolate ran out.

The conference, held at St George’s Hall in London, was intended to find ways to make the monthly biological occurrence more bearable for both women and their partners. But following an announcement that both the wine and chocolate stocks had run dry, women began screaming and upturning tables.

An eyewitness told GrumpyFuckers:

“It was awful. I was at the bar getting some ice cream when this woman started getting tetchy. It was awful. The barman looked at her in slightly the wrong way so she climbed over the bar and started smashing him over the head with a plastic bowl. Then she burst into tears and kept asking him if he loved her.”

Order was finally restored after police turned up. One office said:

“I could feel the tension in the air. Thankfully, someone went to the corner shop and bought a shitload of chocolate so that kept them happy for a few hours when they all started feeling guilty about eating it.”

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Fancy dress ‘Wolverine’ slices off own penis after attempting to scratch asshole

A Halloween party-goer has chopped off his penis after attempting to scratch his own asshole.

Brian DoubleGunt, from Boston, was attending a house party dressed up as the Marvel Comics superhero Wolverine, portrayed on screen by actor Hugh Jackman. Brian had sellotaped knives to a pair of rubber gloves to recreate Wolverine’s famous retractable claws.

He told GrumpyFuckers:

“I’ve been suffering with worms these last few days. They’ve been driving me crazy. I had some worming tablets before I came out but as I was dancing to Thriller in Brenda’s living room, I totally forgot about my retractable claws. As soon as my asshole started twitching, I did what any normal human would do and that was to put my hands down my pants to scratch it. Sadly, I forgot that I had a penis and I sliced it right off.”

Other party-goers rushed to Brian’s aid. One party-goer, dressed as Donald Trump, told GrumpyFuckers:

“Luckily, we’d just come back from Kwik Save with some frozen sprouts so we phoned for an ambulance and put his willy in with the sprouts. They said that they’d try and sew his willy back on which is good news indeed.”

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How your Facebook friends turn you into a grumpy fucker

They’re your Facebook friends. You’ve met some, you’ve fucked some and you might even pretend to like some of them. Yet you have probably never noticed that they’ve been secretly making you a Grumpy Fucker all these years. What a bunch of fuckers. Here are some of the main culprits – cull them with pleasure.

#1 The-One-Who-Only-Ever-Updates-Their-Status-To-Let-Us-Know-That-Someone-Famous-Is-Dead

Usually, they just type this shit:

[insert dead person’s name here]. RIP

and then sit back to see how many people comment with the words OMG. Fuck you fuckwit.

#2 Let-Me-Tell-You-About-Everything-I’m-Doing-And-Yes-I-Mean-Everything

“I’m just scratching my arse.”
“I’m just thinking about washing a cup. It looks so dirty sat there unwashed.”
“I’m just updating my Facebook status.”

Where do you get the fucking time to actually do anything when you spend all of your fucking life on your fucking phone?

#3 The-Too-Much-Information-Fucker

We all have those thoughts that flit across our mind but there reaches a point where it’s socially acceptable to broadcast it to the world.

“Just dropped my guts. Still had last week’s sweetcorn in it.”

“Went to pork my missis last night but she was a bit dry and I pushed a bit too hard and now I’m in A&E with a snapped banjo string.”


#4 The Self-Promoting-Fucker

“Hey! I’ve had my article about ingrowing toenails published on the internet. Head here to read it – I’m going to be famous!”


#5 The-Facebook-Activist-Fucker

If you’re still not grumpy enough, the Facebook-Activist-Fucker will remind you that others in the world have it a lot fucking worse than we do. From pictures of animal abuse to the latest war atrocities, they’re happy to palm the guilt off on to us while absolving themselves of any responsibilities themselves. A FACEBOOK SHARE WON’T SAVE THE DOGS. GETTING OFF YOUR FAT ARSE AND BRINGING IT HOME WILL.

#6 The-Fucked-Up-Grammarian

“I hope your well.”

Erm. I don’t own a FUCKING WELL. Surely, you mean ‘you’re’? Surely. Fucking learn the rules, FUCKWIT.

#7 The-Shorthand-Fucker

“Off 2 da skl to lrn how 2 fking write prply.” Good. Fuck off.

#8 The-Oh-So-Happy-Fuckers

Making their shit lives look amazing to everyone else by posting the best bits on their Facebook wall.

“At the airport waiting to go on holiday.”

Good. Hope it crashes.

“I’m so happy right now, I could cry.”

I’ll give you something to fucking cry about.

#9 The-Luvvy-Duvvies

“[insert fucking partner’s name here] is the best partner anyone could ever ask for. I love you [insert fucking partner’s name here]” Pass the sick bucket.

#10 The-Whinging-Fuckers

“I hate my job. How come all my other friends have jobs that they’re happy in?”

Because they got off their fat fucking arses and did something about it.

#11 The-Sympathy-Craving-Fucker

“Feeling low today.” Good. Fucker. Now you know how I feel reading your self-indulgent shit every day.

#12 The-Friend-Who-Logs-Once-Every-Two-Years

Thought you were supposed to be my friend? Fuck you and your I’ll-log-in-when-I-want attitude.

#13 The-Snoopers

This is the fucker who you have as a friend on Facebook but they haven’t posted anything for years. When you bump into them at the local supermarket, they know EVERYTHING about your life.
THEM: How is your cat now?
ME: My cat? How did you know about that?
THEM: I saw it on your Facebook.
ME: Do you want a punch in the fucking face you freak?

#14 The-Frapists

Yeah, yeah. You’re so fucking funny.

#15 The-Fucker-Who-Tags-You-In-All-Your-Horrific-Photos-After-A-Night-Out-But-Only-Posts-Half-Decent-Ones-Of-Themselves

Fuck you and your 17 chins.

#16 Farmville-Fucking-Fuckers

[insert fucker’s name here] wants to play Farmville. Oo. Now let me just think about that. You see, I can’t decide whether to accept your invitation or to drape my wet bollocks over an electric fence. I’ll get back to you.

#17 The-Selfie-Fucking-Queen

Hey love – you look the same in EVERY OF YOUR 23,484 FUCKING PHOTOS OF YOURSELF. And yes, you still look like a FUCKING MOOSE IN EVERY ONE.

#18 The-Runner-Fucker

“[insert fucker’s name here] just achieved a personal best of 32:34:15.” Hey mate. I’m just off to find some fucks to give you.

#19 The-Small-Animal-Lover-Fucker

Those fuckers who produce a steady stream of cute kitten and puppy photos for us to drool over. Actually, you’re the only ones who cheer us up. It’s what the internet was invented for. We salute you!

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Porn film banned for ‘falsely portraying plumber turning up when he said he would’

Legendary porn film ‘Debbie Does Phallus’ has been banned for portraying plumbers as people who turn up on time.

The film, which features Dennis ‘ThunderRod’ Muggins as The Plumber, was made in 2010 by the now defunct Welsh porn company, Tits and Sheep. But the US and UK governments have jointly taken the unprecedented step of banning the film, as it features a scene where the plumber turns up at a woman’s house when he said he would.

Government spokeswoman Glenda Pencilskirt told Grumpyfuckers:

“In this day and age, when young people are so susceptible to things they see on telly, we thought it right and proper to remove this film from the public domain. We can’t let our children see this kind of thing, letting them grow up thinking that a plumber will turn up when he says he will. The days I’ve sat in waiting for the asshole to turn up. It’s just not on. We need to think of the children.”

But critics have pointed out that the film will now go underground. Porn fan Dave StrongArm said:

“It’ll go underground now without a doubt. Gang wars will pop up as they try to ship illicit copies of the film and the government will see that it’s a short-sighted solution. I personally like the bit where Debbie gets spit-roasted. It reminds me of a Scout fete I went to once.”

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Nightclub bans pouting selfies to stop women looking like cockwombles

A Welsh nightclub has banned women from pouting when taking selfies to stop them looking like cockwombles.

The Jurassic Park nightclub in Neath has slapped on the ban after women spent all night posing for selfies instead of buying drinks from the bar.

Manager Clayton Smooth told GrumpyFuckers:

“These women spend so long pouting that my bar staff is left with fuck all to do. They never get the photo right first time so they literally spend all night sticking their arms out and taking photos. They look like ‘Class A cockwombles’. Back in the day when I used to go clubbing, we’d drink ten gallons of beer, puke it all back up and then fall asleep on the dance floor. That was called a REAL night out.”

But clubbers haven’t been put off by the new rule.

Sheila Largecalves said:

“Me and my friends will head to the shitters to do it. If we’re not allowed to do this thing in public, it’s only going to go underground. What else can they expect?”

Jurassic Park will be closed this Saturday for urgent repairs to the toilet cubicles after one female clubber got her arse stuck down the pan.

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Coffee shop opens for non-morning people


A coffee shop has opened in Cardiff for people who hate mornings.

Grumpy Fuckers’ Coffee Shop opened its door yesterday and was overwhelmed by demand.

Manager Clive GrimGrits told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I had to get up at 5am to get the bastard shop open. I hated it. Most people are still sleeping at that time. We opened the shop at 6am and by 7am, we’d already sold out of ‘Fuck You Frappuccinos’ as well as our ‘Piss Poor Tea’. Every fucker who came in had a face on them like a slapped arse so I closed the shop at 8am so I could go home and get some proper sleep like most people do.”

One customer said that she would visit the coffee shop again, despite everyone bumping into each other and not saying a word.

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Cardiff store apologises for offensive shop banner

A Cardiff shop has been forced to apologise after one of its banners contained an offensive typo.

Bargain store Massive Discounts contracted a sign-maker to create a new banner for the shop front. Sadly, the banner contained the word ‘discocunt’ instead of the word ‘discount’.

Shop manager Jim Bellend told Grumpy Fuckers:

“I’ve always hammered home the importance of good spelling to my staff. Unfortunately, this didn’t extend to the twat who made my sign and posted it for all the world to see. It’s a massive embarrassment as I don’t have any discocunts in stock.”

Shopper Lesley Longarms said:

“I popped in to get one for my husband as I’d rather he didn’t touch mine. I was vexed when they told me that they didn’t sell any. I left in tears so I went to Burger King and stuffed my face full of dead cow and fat.”

The shop has since replaced the banner.

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